Opiate Jane

by Baker, Jessica K. ;

  Landon stood up slowly and leaned over the sink to look in the mirror. He grabbed a tissue and wiped his nose. He just stood there looking in the mirror. I didn’t move. We stayed like that for about fifteen minutes. The whole time, I was running through everything I’d seen over the past six months: the pill in his jacket pocket, the falling asleep in the middle of our conversations, and the weight he’d lost. I knew. I so knew. I’d stayed in denial. I hadn’t wanted to even consider the thought that Landon was using drugs. I’d just kept telling myself that I was paranoid to love someone and that I was just seeing the signs of use because I was looking so hard for them in my mother. Now, the proof was right in front of my face and I couldn’t deny it anymore.

  Landon finally spoke.

  “Yeah, Kyle gave me something last night to keep me going so I could study for my chemistry test,” he said. “It must have been stronger than I thought to knock me out. Sorry, I didn’t mean for you to see me like that.”

  “Why would you do something like that? Don’t you know how dangerous that is?” I asked, seething. “Since when do you worry about studying for a test? You haven’t been interested in your schoolwork at all this year, and doing that stuff sure didn’t keep you going. It knocked your ass out. I was scared to death. I thought something was seriously wrong with you, Landon.”

  “It was only a Percocet,” he responded. “It wasn’t anything major. I take them sometimes. Why are you so pissed?”

  I was furious. He takes them sometimes? It isn’t anything major? Only a Percocet? How could he be so casual about it, acting as if it were something I should have already known? But I guess I had already known, hadn’t I? I just sat there glaring at his reflection in the mirror. He had to see the disgust in my face.

  Landon turned around and bent down to where I was sitting.

  “Why are you looking at me like that? You look like you’re getting ready to go bipolar, Jane. Don’t tell me you didn’t know.”

  “I didn’t know, Landon,” I protested. “We’ve never once talked about drugs. There were times I thought you might be on something, but I thought I was just being paranoid. I couldn’t bring myself to believe you would be involved in anything like that.”

  “Jane, it’s no big deal. I don’t do it every day. Come on, don’t be so judgmental. Let’s get ready for school. We’re going to be late.”

  I stood up.

  “I’m not riding to school with you,” I said. “You shouldn’t even be driving. I refuse to ride with anyone who’s as doped up as you are. I’ll take the bus.”

  I stomped out of the bathroom and into his room. He caught up with me by the door and grabbed my arm. I turned and looked him directly in the eye.

  “Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me again,” I warned.

  “What? Why are you being like this?” Landon asked. “You act like I’ve done something to harm you. This isn’t about you, Jane. This is my business, and I don’t understand why you’re being such a bitch about it.”

  I pulled away from him and he let go of my arm.

  “Why don’t you ask my mother and her dope dealer the reason I’m such a bitch about it, Landon?”

  I stormed out of his room and flew down the steps. I was amazed I could even make it out of the house. I felt like I was in shock. I’m sure that’s what being in shock has to feel like. I took off running down the lane toward the bus stop. I didn’t stop until I’d made it to the end of the lane. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know if it was from the running, from the shock of seeing Landon like that, or from the fact that he called me a bitch. Of course, with my luck, the bus came early, so I was completely winded when I had to get on it. I climbed onto the bus and took my old seat next to the red-headed boy. He gave me a horrified look.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “I’m fine,” I answered.

  “All righty then,” he responded sarcastically.

  I was so upset and the stupid smell on the bus was irritating me. I looked over at the red-headed boy and asked, “What is that stinking smell anyway?”

  He looked at me and replied, “The bus driver has a pig farm and the bus sits in the middle of the pig farm all day.”

  I could feel everyone staring at me. It was just like the first time I’d ridden this bus. But this time, I really didn’t care as much that they were staring. All I could think about was Landon and the way he’d looked when I found him. It was a flashback to when I’d found Mother after she’d overdosed. It was the feeling of being so scared, you think your heart is going to jump right out of your chest, that weak feeling in your knees like you’re going to fall to the ground, and that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you think you’re going to vomit all over everything.

  The rest of the day was a fog. I walked around in a daze. I’d left my backpack at Landon’s house, so I didn’t even have half of my books. But it wouldn’t have mattered. I couldn’t concentrate. Landon found me at lunch and tried to talk to me, but I got up and just walked away. Milah Jo looked at me so weirdly. She’d been asking me all day what was wrong, but I wasn’t coming out with any information. I didn’t want to talk about it. I think she might have been getting aggravated with me. I just wanted to get through the day so I could go home, go to bed, shut my eyes, and forget any of this bullshit had happened.

  It was such a relief to hear the last bell of the day. Then I could go home and not have to look at another living soul. I needed to be left alone in my own torment and solitude. Mother and Lizzie had plans to go to the park, so I figured they would head out not long after I got home. Landon was waiting for me right by the side entrance of the school. He tried to persuade me to ride home with him. I refused. I wouldn’t stop walking, so he got right in front of me.

  “Move, Landon. I’m going to miss my bus,” I demanded.

  “Jane, please just ride home with me,” he begged. “We didn’t get to finish talking this morning and I can see you’re still upset.”

  I stopped.

  “Landon, I don’t want to go with you and I sure don’t want to talk to you. Besides, why would you want a bipolar bitch in your car anyway?”

  He tried to put his arms around me. I flinched and backed away from him.

  “I told you not to ever touch me again, you arrogant ass.”

  He came toward me. I took off walking not realizing I was headed toward the parking lot instead of where the buses were. Landon caught up with me quickly and stepped in front of me again.

  “I’m so sorry, Jane,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said those things. You really caught me off guard. I just couldn’t understand why you were making a huge deal out of this. I was upset that you were so angry with me.”

  “You don’t understand why I would be so angry with you?” I asked. “Do you not know what you’re doing to yourself? You could have overdosed and died for all I knew. To see you like that was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. There were two other terrifying moments in my life, Landon. Do you want to know what they were? You were with me for one of them, when Lizzie fell in the pond. You have no idea what the other was. I never told you, because I didn’t want you to judge me for something that was not my fault. I truly believed that if you knew, you wouldn’t want me. My mother overdosed on heroin when Lizzie was four months old. Mother almost died. She survived, but a part of me died that day. The hopeful part of me died. Until I met you, I had no dreams of having a happy and hope-filled life.”

  “Jane, I didn’t know about your mom,” Landon said. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. But that’s not going to happen to me. I only take a pill here and there. I don’t shoot anything. I would never let it go that far. Please ride home with me. We really need to talk.”

  “I’m not going with you,” I argued. “Move and let me through or I’m going to miss my bus.”

  “Well, if you
miss your bus, then you’ll need a ride home, won’t you? So, I’m not moving,” he added.

  “I said move!” I yelled.

  The people walking by us were starting to stare, but Landon didn’t budge. I thought, Okay, does he really want to do this here and now? That’s fine. So I asked the question I knew I had to ask:

  “Answer me one question, Landon. You’re going to have to choose between me and the drugs, because I cannot live in that world again. Are you going to quit?”

  I really didn’t want to know the answer to that. How rejected I would feel if he were to choose the drugs over me!

  “No, no, no, I don’t do ultimatums, Jane,” he answered. “I don’t have to choose. This is who I am. This is who you fell in love with. I don’t want to stop. I’m young; this is what teenagers do. It’s not like it’s affecting my life. I work and I go to school. I’m not your mom, Jane. You need to accept me the way I am. I’m sure one day I’ll stop, but not right now. This is when I’m supposed to party. Why are you being such a prude?”

  Well, there it was: the answer I didn’t want. I could feel my eyes filling with water. The anger had finally turned to hurt. I couldn’t hold the tears back. They were coming full force now. I couldn’t accept it. I knew better. How could I be with him knowing he was ruining any chance of a future we would have? I finally looked him in the eye.

  “Landon, I’m walking away now. DO NOT FOLLOW ME. Let me go.”

  I went out around him and headed for the buses. I looked up to see my bus pulling away. Great! Now what was I going to do? I just kept walking out toward the soccer field. I felt like my feet were going to fall out from under me. I had to sit down. I found a tree by the concession stand and sat down with my head between my knees and bawled. I cried until I didn’t think I had any liquid left in my body. I finally realized Mother would be wondering where I was. Not that I normally cared so much if she was worried; I just wanted to make sure she and Lizzie would still go to the park. I wanted my time alone. So I took out my phone and called Mother. I told her I’d gone back to get something out of my locker, I’d missed my bus, and I would find a ride home.

  Now, I had to find that ride home. I decided to start walking and thumb it. I’d barely made it past the parking lot when a car pulled up next to me. It was Kyle, Landon’s friend. He rolled down the window and asked me if I needed a ride home. I knew Landon had gotten him to hang out at the school and wait to see if I needed a ride. I really didn’t want to take it, especially knowing he was the one who had given Landon the pills. But I really wanted to get home. I just wanted to be alone. Ten minutes in Kyle’s car and I would get that, so I took his offer. I walked around to get in the passenger side and saw there was a girl in the passenger seat. I hadn’t noticed her before. She didn’t look familiar. I didn’t think she went to our school, because I’d never seen her before. She had short, edgy brown hair and a few visible tattoos. She definitely didn’t go to our school. I doubted she went to any school. Even though she was sitting, I could tell she was tall. She was all legs and you could really see them with the Daisy Duke shorts she was wearing. She was really thin and was wearing a tight tank top that showed off her huge boobs. She looked like someone you wouldn’t want your boyfriend around, that’s for sure. She opened the door and pulled up her seat so I could get in the back. I was buckling my seat belt when Kyle introduced us.

  “Jane, this is Ivy, Ivy Lang. She’s a friend of mine. Ivy, this is Jane, Landon’s girlfriend.”

  “Oh, really, this is Landon’s girlfriend,” Ivy sneered. “Landon talks about you all the time. I was wondering when I’d get to meet you. Well, hello then.”

  “Yeah, hello,” I sneered back.

  Landon talked about me all the time? Nice. That meant my boyfriend did hang around her.

  Kyle revved up the engine of his car and took off flying. Great. I might make it home. It was a pretty silent ride. I thought about giving Kyle a good piece of my mind, but I knew it wasn’t Kyle’s fault. Landon was going to do what he wanted, whether Kyle gave it to him or not. That knowledge didn’t make me any less pissed at Kyle, though. I must have made him and Ivy uncomfortable because they barely said two words to each other. It was a very awkward ride.

  I was so glad to get out of that car and into my house. I put on my best fake smile for Lizzie as she met me at the door. She wasn’t greeting me, though. She was headed for the car and ready to get to the park.

  “Geez, Jane. Don’t you know I’m going to the park? Get out of my way, woman!” Lizzie said.

  “Whoa! Sorry, woman!” I replied.

  I smiled at her for real. Only Lizzie could yank a smile out of me now. I headed toward my bed as Mother and Lizzie pulled out of the driveway.

  I made it to my bed and shut my eyes, but sleeping just wouldn’t happen. My mind was erratic with emotions. I had no idea what I was going to do. I didn’t want to lose Landon, but I didn’t want to live with the dope either. Been there, done that. It wasn’t fun. Besides, I’d been nothing but cold to Mother the last six months because I’d been waiting for her to go back to that stuff. Yet the whole time Landon had been the one doing it, and as mad as I was at him, I didn’t feel the hate for him that I did for Mother. How was that possible? How could I explain that? How could you hate one person so much because of her drug use yet love another in spite of his? I knew I still loved Landon. Nothing could ever stop that. Not even dope. But I knew loving him was not enough.

  • • • • •

  Landon must have gotten tired of sitting in the silence because he finally got up and walked out after about an hour. As soon as I heard the back door slam, the tears came on in full force again. I cried myself into a depressed slumber.

  Shut down

  The next few weeks were a complete daze. I’d shut down and wasn’t talking to anyone, not Landon, not Milah Jo, and not even Lizzie. I couldn’t bring myself to deal with anyone. I had to get it together. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, especially Lizzie. I just couldn’t bring myself to fake it for them. It seemed like it took all the energy I had to get out of bed and shower, let alone talk to people.

  Mother had been hounding me for a week to find out what was wrong with me. She said I wasn’t being my usual sarcastic self. She seemed genuinely worried about me. Deep down, I was starting to feel a little bad for treating her the way I had. Evidently my judgment had been seriously flawed. I’d been cruel to her all this time because I was scared to death she was going to let me down, and the one person I’d put all my faith into ended up destroying me. I promised myself from that moment on I would ease up on Mother. I wasn’t going to let her in completely, but I wouldn’t make her miserable anymore either. That would be good for all of us, especially Lizzie. I just had to get it together first.

  I also decided it was time to open up to Milah Jo. She’d been a really good friend to me and I’d shunned her for the past two weeks. I called her to see if she would pick me up for school. She’d gotten her license the previous week, and I hadn’t even congratulated her. She happily agreed to pick me up. She was really excited to show me the car her grandparents had bought her for passing her driver’s test. It was a 1976 Volkswagen Beetle. It was multicolored and horrible-looking, but Milah Jo absolutely loved it. I didn’t blame her. It had to be nice for her to have something of her very own.

  She didn’t question me at all on the ride to school. That was very strange for Milah Jo. She did tell me she was very worried about me and that she hoped I would trust her enough to talk to her. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I spilled the whole story to her.

  Milah Jo gave me that “I’m so sorry” smile and said, “Hon, I would have never dreamed that Landon was doing anything like that. That stupid-ass idiot! What in the world is wrong with that boy? You must be really hurt after everything you’ve been through with your mama and now Landon too.”

  I started tearing up.

 
; “I’m so sorry, Milah Jo. I had no right to treat you the way I have the past few weeks. I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone. How stupid am I?”

  We had reached the school parking lot and had just gotten out of the car. Milah Jo wrapped me into a big bear hug and told me, “Jane, you’re not alone anymore. You can always trust me to be there for you. Promise me you’ll never suffer through anything like this alone again.”

  I was sobbing and hugging her back as tightly as I could.

  “I promise, Milah Jo, I promise.”

  She let go of me and said, “Okay, well now we’ve got to get you cleaned up so we can get inside this stupid farm school before the tardy bell rings.”

  And that’s what she did. Milah Jo took me straight to the restrooms and ran everybody out of there so she could make me presentable. Our day was pretty well split except for lunch. We still always sat at our table in the back corner. We hadn’t been sitting there long when Landon set his tray down on the table just as he had done that first time he had sat with us at lunch.

  “May I sit with you ladies today?” he asked.

  I couldn’t even look up at him.

  “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Landon,” I said.

  He put my chin in his hand and turned my face toward his.

  “Jane, I really miss you. Please.”

  The touch of his hand on my face sent a flutter through my stomach. I had to admit that as mad as I was at him, I missed him desperately. I really wanted him to sit with us, but my pride wouldn’t let me say yes.

  “You made your choice, Landon. Go sit with Kyle.”

  He let go of my chin.

  “Please, Jane.”

  I just turned my head away from him and started eating my pizza. Landon walked off and went over to sit with Kyle. Milah Jo didn’t say one word to him. That was unbelievable, because nothing kept that girl quiet. She didn’t stay quiet long, though.