Duplicity

by Fin C Gray

  Waqar still stood there, looking at Tom sympathetically. Tom turned his back on him and walked towards the dining room. He heard the front door click shut before he got there.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Then

  A soft breeze wafted a bitter green smell of bracken towards Daniel as he stirred from his dozing. He sat up, admiring the shimmering water of the lake below. Waqar lay on the grass beside him, eyes closed, the faintest of smiles on his lips. This caused Daniel to smile too. What are you dreaming of, my friend? Daniel wanted to reach out and touch his face. Instead, he lay back down again and gazed up into the cloudless blue sky. A perfect heaven above them. Here, for the first time, it felt as if there was no one else in the world but the two of them. Was eternity giving him a clue?

  It had taken two hours to trek to this spot high on the fellside, and he thought of Waqar calling a cheerful ‘hello’ to every hillwalker that they had encountered, wishing them well as they passed. It was impossible not to like Waqar. Daniel had seen this from the first time they met. He still yearned for his touch and wished again that they could be together in the way he often imagined; he wanted to announce to the world that they belonged to each other. Fresh hillside air filled his lungs and left him, like a sigh, and he edged his body closer to his sleeping friend.

  Waqar would be gone soon; he had told him that his path was clear, and he was determined to follow it. Daniel would have to follow his own path soon enough. As long as it brought him back to Waqar, he would be happy. Pakistan was such a long way away. So hard to imagine, especially on this breezy green hillside – a distant sun, baking sand, fierce heat, strange smells and foreign, warbling calls to prayer; how would all this feel? How would he cope in a land so far away, so different to here? He lifted up his skinny arm and stared at the pale skin with its covering of thin dark hairs. Waqar’s skin was dark – prepared for that climate. Maybe he should go to the tanning salon in town.

  Daniel stood up and spread his arms out, imagining they were wings and that he could fly into the sky so he might admire his friend from above. Then he could swoop down, pick him up and have him cling to his neck as he soared down to the lake, skimming the water with bare feet. He wanted to show Waqar his own inner power and convince him to stay here in England and follow a different path. His path. A happy road where the world’s troubles were not theirs to solve. Where his God, their God, did not disapprove of their love. But Waqar’s words could always overpower his. Waqar’s ideas were always clear and well-formed, always rich with truth and conviction. Why did they ever have to be apart?

  For a second, he thought he felt Waqar’s eyes on him and immediately felt ridiculous, but when he turned around, his friend was still asleep on the grass, his face a picture of peace. Daniel sat down beside him and rested his hand on Waqar’s thigh. His friend remained still, and Daniel leant in towards him, bringing his face close to Waqar’s so that his cheek almost touched the black beard that had grown thick on his dark skin. He could feel Waqar’s warm breath against his lips and wanted to press his mouth against his. Daniel’s hand was now between Waqar’s open legs, but when he felt his friend stir, he withdrew it as if from a flame. Daniel pulled himself away and stared up at the sky again.

  ‘Hello, Dani. Have I been asleep?’ Waqar turned to face him.

  ‘Yeah, you were out for the count. I nearly put a mirror to your mouth.’

  ‘Mirror? Why?’

  ‘That’s how you check if someone is breathing.’

  ‘You are funny, Dani.’ Waqar was rubbing his eyes. ‘Was I asleep long? I was dreaming of heaven. Allah was holding me. It was beautiful.’

  ‘What did Allah look like in your dream?’

  ‘More of a feeling… a presence. I could feel Him holding me. We can’t truly know how He looks until we are there with Him. We will meet Him together. We will understand Him together. I knew it was Him because I felt… euphoria… it flooded over me. He told me that we are following the pure path, the path to greatness, to glory, to love.’

  ‘I wish I was that sure… this is a huge step for me.’

  Waqar’s expression hardened as he got up on his knees and leant over Daniel.

  ‘We’ve been over this a hundred times, Dani. You are sure – then you are not sure. What more can I tell you? There is nothing for us in this world. Allah has chosen us. We have agreed to do his work. This is the only way we can be together through eternity. You want us to be brothers in heaven, don’t you?’

  Daniel gazed into Waqar’s earnest eyes, looked longingly at his thick curly hair, framed by a perfect blue sky. Nothing for us in this world? Wasn’t this enough? He propped himself up a little and brought his face level with his friend’s.

  ‘I want to spend forever with you – you know that. I believe Allah wants us to be together, and this is his plan for us. These are such big steps he wants me – us to take. Can we not be together here… now… properly? Just until we start our journey?’

  ‘Properly? What is not proper about this? Our journey has already begun, Dani. It started the moment we became friends. The moment we became brothers. We are approaching the most fantastic part of our road. There are only a few weeks left now—’

  ‘A few weeks for you. Six months for me! Why can’t I travel to Karachi with you? Why do we have to go separately? I’ve never travelled so far on my own.’

  ‘I told you, Dani. I need to prepare the ground for you. I need to make sure that you are certain about this. I need to assure the leaders there that you are ready and that you are committed to our cause. They don’t accept strangers at face value. They know about you from the emails I have sent, but they need to hear it from my mouth, they need to feel my sincerity.’

  Waqar paused and looked at Daniel squarely, waiting for a response. Daniel rocked from side to side, nodding. Would he ever hear from Waqar again? Maybe this was his way of escaping him.

  ‘You have to buy the tickets soon. I need to arrive there on the tenth of June. This is what I have agreed with our sponsors. You must come, six months later, then I will know enough to be your sponsor. And I have to take the money with me. Have you fixed that?’

  ‘Yes, I can transfer it to your bank account whenever you want.’

  ‘No, Dani. Cash. Remember? I need to take cash.’

  ‘OK. We’d better head back. It’ll be getting dark in an hour or so.’

  There was only one small bag of clothes, with a tattered copy of the Qur’an on top. The room looked bare; random beads of Blu Tack gave clues to where the posters had once been. His bookcase – once full of English, geography and religious philosophy books – stood empty. Waqar sat on top of the bare mattress, arms clutching his legs and his head resting on his knees. He seemed to be concentrating on the bulging black binbags at the end of the bed.

  ‘What’s in the rubbish bags?’ asked Daniel.

  ‘Blankets, books, things. You’ll take them to the charity shop?’

  ‘Are you keeping nothing? What about the presents I gave you? Your watch? The gold chain? The DVDs, the music?’

  ‘None of that stuff is necessary, Dani. You know that. We can’t take it with us, can we?’

  Daniel turned away and left the room. He heard Waqar move off the bed to follow him. For once, he wanted to be on his own. Facing this separation felt like too much. It even masked the dread of the journey that had been haunting him all these months, the fear of the camp in Pakistan. Waqar was his world, and now Waqar’s world was his. A speeding train was pulling his friend away, leaving a blur of their life behind. Waqar had brought all these joys to his life, only to take the most important part of it away.

  ‘What’s wrong, Dani?’

  He felt Waqar behind him, his arms wrapping around his chest, and his anxiety seemed to disappear at once. He placed his hands on Waqar’s and squeezed them before turning to face him.

  ‘Waqar, I love you, and I want us to be one, always. You know how I feel about you, and I can hardly bear to be apart from
you, even for those months – time that you say will pass quickly, but will seem like a lifetime to me. Can we please travel together? I’m afraid to go to Pakistan without you.’

  Daniel’s eyes were pooling with tears. Waqar placed his hands on Daniel’s shoulders and pulled him closer.

  ‘Be brave, brother,’ he said. ‘I will be in Pakistan making things right for you. I will be there when you step off the plane and for every step of the way after that. Allah will give you courage and keep me in your heart. See it as a test. I will be with you always, through God. It is Allah who holds us together and Allah who will bless us when we join Him in Jannah.’

  Waqar wiped tears from Daniel’s eyes and gently kissed his mouth. When Daniel tried to respond, he pulled away from him.

  ‘That is all Allah will allow,’ said Waqar. ‘We are brothers here together. In Jannah, who knows?’

  ‘OK, Waqar. If you want me to wait, I’ll wait. But why will Allah allow us to be together in Jannah? He doesn’t allow it here, does he? Here, we are no better than dogs in the eyes of Islam. You said so yourself.’

  ‘In paradise, we will not be judged, brother. There we will have whatever rewards we desire for the great deeds we will do here on earth. Paradise will be whatever we want it to be. Eternal happiness. No more tears, brother. This world’s rules are there simply to test us.’

  ‘You’re so sure. I trust you, Waqar, you know I do. There’s no one in the world I trust more.’

  ‘I am glad, Dani. This last night here, I will sleep in your bed, with you. I will hold you until morning. This will let you know how things will be in Jannah. It is for this reason that Allah showed us this road we must take. Come, brother. Let’s eat.’

  The clock by the bed glowed: 3.12 a.m. Waqar was snoring gently beside him, his arm draped around Daniel’s waist. Daniel had seen every minute pass since they had lain down together shortly after midnight. Time was moving slowly, but strangely fast too. Each moment dragged, but every hour brought him closer to separation, and this made the night move quickly. This arm, this closeness, would be a distant memory the next time he lay down on his bed. This nearness would be gone. The thought of this closeness being his through eternity was the only thing that kept him from going out of his mind.

  Ten minutes passed, and he put his hand on Waqar’s, enjoying Waqar’s warm breath on his neck, the mumblings he uttered through sleep. Foreign words, words that were in his friend’s brain, but meant nothing to him. Waqar was at peace, surely discussing his journey with Allah. Would Allah help him in the same way? Of course, he would. His other hand drifted to Waqar’s stomach, bare, covered in soft hair, swelling with each breath. His hand quivered against the warm skin. He reached further, felt the band of his underwear. He pressed his fingers against the bulge of the cloth lower down, wishing to feel a response even close to the one he was experiencing at that moment.

  He turned to face Waqar and drew close to his face, so that their noses touched. He kissed him gently, pleased that he didn’t pull away from him. His soft breathing almost sounded like pleasure. Daniel pressed his body against him and began to cry. All this meant nothing if there was no loving response. If only Waqar had woken him up and touched him in this way, everything would be perfect. He turned over again and looked at the clock: 3:47 a.m. He pulled Waqar’s limp arm and placed it around his waist, closing his eyes, hoping for sleep.

  Terminal Five felt like one of those faceless shopping centres multiplied by ten. A warehouse of people dodging one another with their luggage trolleys. False exclamations of ‘excuse me’ and ‘I’m sorry’. It was as alien to Daniel as all his imaginings of Pakistan had been. He hated this place. It represented separation, distance, departure. The day had come. That dreaded day when he would say goodbye. His mother filled his brain. That goodbye had been the most wrenching one he’d known, and here it was again. Why was life like this? Waqar was right. Daniel almost knew he would never hold him again. Not the way he had last night. Not the way he wanted. Waqar was right.

  At least they didn’t need a trolley. Waqar’s bag was nothing to speak of. A holdall. ‘Carry-on baggage,’ the girl at the desk had said. A few clothes? He’d no idea what was in there, but Waqar clung to it as if it was his life. The check-in girl had asked if there was anything in it that was against regulations. He couldn’t remember what the regulations were, but Waqar had said, ‘No.’ So what did it matter, anyway? What was in there couldn’t be part of their final journey here in this world. He knew that much. He knew they’d agreed their paths would join at the same point and that they’d be together forever within hours of fulfilling their purpose. Waqar had been clear about that. But Tom. He’d have to deal with him. Tom wasn’t for now, however. Waqar would be gone soon. Focus on that.

  ‘Let’s have some tea before I go through the security checks,’ said Waqar. He pointed to a Costa, crowded with people. They’d first met at Starbucks.

  So much time had passed since then. Daniel nodded, trying to remember their first meeting. How did they come so far in such a short time? Was falling in love this easy? It wasn’t easy, though. It was fucking hard, and he didn’t even know if it made him happy. All he knew was, he couldn’t fight it. He didn’t want to fight it. All he wanted was to be with Waqar, no matter what. Waqar pushed ahead and placed his bag on a spare seat at a table for two. The man sitting there eyed him suspiciously. Waqar turned on his best beaming smile.

  ‘Sir, would you mind sitting at the bar? I am saying goodbye to my dearest friend and we would like to sit together, here.’

  The man scowled at them, but got up anyway and let Daniel sit. ‘Wait here,’ said Waqar. ‘I’ll get some tea.’

  Ordinary people sat around at the tables, close to where Daniel was sitting. Holidaymakers, families, businesspeople. The place reeked of disappointment. Yet smiles were everywhere, railing against reality. Did anyone feel like he did? Maybe this was a dream, and he was still embracing Waqar in bed. Please let it be a dream. His lungs were constricting; his heart was pushing through his chest. This moment was killing him inside. Was he to sit here and drink tea? Don’t leave me, Waqar! Please, don’t let me stay here on my own.

  Waqar returned with a tray that held a pot of tea, two cups and cellophane-wrapped biscuits. He was smiling. It was that same smile, that first smile, the winning smile he first saw him give. Daniel felt a sense of the first day they met course through him. He had to stop himself thinking this was the last time he’d see this smile. How could it possibly be the last time? He would see this smile now, then and forever. Shut up, Danny. Your mind is fooling you, stupid. Waqar had said it would and that he must fight it.

  Waqar sat down and rubbed his foot against Daniel’s. ‘Not long now,’ he said.

  ‘And not long until we see each other again,’ said Daniel.

  Waqar lowered his voice, almost to a whisper, ‘That’s right. When we see each other again, the sun will be shining. Our future will be clear. Our journey’s end will be close. Paradise beckons, my brother.’

  ‘Every moment will be like an eternity until I see you again.’

  ‘Those moments are worthless, Dani. We have forever together. What can compare to that?’

  Forever? Really? What made Waqar so sure? He wanted it to be true, he wanted to be sure. But Waqar was intent on doing this and nothing he could do or say would stop him. Surely he had some fears, some doubts? His own fears and doubts were as many as the stars. Maybe when they were both in the camp, Waqar might change and decide against this whole mad plan. The only thing Daniel was sure of was that life without Waqar would not be worth living. He would have to take the leap. Maybe this eternity would be theirs. No point saying this to Waqar. Faith, Daniel. You must have faith.

  ‘I just want it to be over. I don’t want to think about what we have to do. I don’t honestly want to do whatever it is I have to do. I know I have to do it to be clean and to have our life in Jannah. You must be frightened too. Are you not scared, Waqar?’

/>   ‘No, brother. I am not afraid. I do not want you to fear this either. Take courage from our love, our friendship, our brotherhood. Know that I would never harm you, never leave you, never ask you to do anything that wasn’t right, that wasn’t the best thing for us both. I leave you today for a purpose. Our shared purpose. I’m not afraid. I have you. I have you for always, as you have me.’

  They both looked at the departures board that was adjacent to where they were sitting. BA Flight 125 to Doha showed it was ready for boarding.

  ‘That’s my flight. I still have to go through security,’ said Waqar.

  ‘Yes, but we have five minutes or so. The security gates are just there, and the departure gate is close.’

  ‘I can’t miss my flight. Come on, Dani. If there’s a queue at security, I might miss it. Let’s go.’

  Waqar stood up and picked up his bag. Daniel looked up at him, admiring his tall stature, his curly black hair falling over his dark features. He stood up and faced him.

  ‘Let’s walk to security together,’ he said.

  The entry way was up ahead. There were already crowds of people queuing at it. Not all for Waqar’s flight, Daniel knew, but they’d be waiting for one of the many flights on the other side, and Waqar would have to queue along with them.

  ‘You’d better go,’ he said.

  ‘In a moment,’ said Waqar. ‘Let us spend these last seconds together.’ He dropped his bag on the ground and pulled Daniel towards him, whispering, ‘I love you. Know that.’

  ‘You are my world,’ said Daniel, also in hushed tones. ‘Life will be impossible until I see you again.’

  ‘Be strong. I’ll be with you. Allah will be watching you, keeping you safe for me. Six months is nothing, brother. Paradise is waiting for us.’

  Waqar picked up his bag. Daniel saw his eyes were wet with tears and watched him rub them with his free hand.