Graffiti Moon

by Cath Crowley

So do chips, sausage rolls and girls in short skirts

  Remember

  Love

  Lays its fingers on your heart

  And holds it

  Under water

  Remember that

  When the next girl smiles

  Lucy

  I wait for Ed outside and for the first time tonight I see a few real stars, ones I don’t have to imagine. Tiny flares burning far away. I trace around them with my finger and add a UFO or two. Adding things to the world is a game Mum and Dad and I play when we’re really strapped for money. Imagine what you want, Lucy, because we probably can’t afford it. I never really minded because they always found the money for the important stuff like my glass. Al says the game probably made me a better artist. It doesn’t always work, though. I’ve drawn Dad living in the house more than a few times lately.

  Ed’s taking his time so I lie on the grass to wait for him. I draw Shadow in the sky. Dark hair, I’m thinking, scruffy but not out of control. Deliberately scruffy. I’m thinking old Ramones t-shirt. Or maybe a t-shirt that he’s printed himself. I draw a speech bubble and words about art inside.

  I draw Ed next to him, to pass the time. It’s weird but he wasn’t as hard to talk to when I couldn’t see him. Maybe he should have put his hand over my face on our date instead of over my arse. Maybe we should both have been blindfolded. Things would have looked strange, sure, but they might have turned out differently.

  One of my favourite paintings is The Lovers by René Magritte. It’s of two people kissing. Both have a sheet wrapped around their head. Everything’s so normal in the painting: her dress, his suit, the soft blue of the walls behind them. The only weird thing is that their heads are wrapped so they can’t see each other and they’re kissing through cotton. Maybe it’s not so weird, though. Maybe kissing blindfolded like that is the easiest way to start.

  I’m a little jealous that Jazz doesn’t need a sheet over her face to avoid first-date awkwardness. I pushed my way through the crowd to tell her I was going Shadow-hunting and she was spinning her disco around Leo like she’d known him for years. ‘I’m leaving with Ed,’ I shouted into her ear.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Ed,’ I shouted louder. ‘He and I are going to find Shadow.’

  She pulled me from the dance floor away from the speakers. ‘You don’t mind if I stay?’

  I shook my head. ‘You don’t mind if I go?’

  ‘Keep your phone on,’ she said. ‘I’ll text and let you know how the night’s turning out.’ She waved and went back to dancing. A slow song came on and Leo looked unsure for a second before she turned circles around him. She moved without a flicker of doubt in her body. Maybe I’m wrong but he looked flickered with doubt to me.

  ‘What if you meet Shadow and he’s not into you?’ Jazz asked me once. The thought had crossed my mind a million times. Some guys like me. Some guys don’t. But I have the feeling that Shadow will be one of the guys who do.

  Knowing that I might finally meet him sends zings to all the right places. Ed and I will find him and he’ll be painting something amazing. After the introductions Ed will go back to the party, or to see Beth, and I’ll be alone with Shadow. I don’t know what I’ll say first. Maybe just, ‘I like art.’

  ‘Me too,’ a voice says.

  I look over my shoulder and see a guy. He’s older than me, by a year or two, and he’s wearing a suit, but not the uncool kind. It’s almost silver. The combination of sharp suit and scruffy hair really works. I spread five fingers on the grass.

  ‘It’s kind of loud in there. You mind if I sit?’ he asks.

  I shake my head. ‘I needed some air too.’

  He lies next to me and props himself up on his elbow. His hair falls over one eye every now and then and every now and then he flicks it back. He catches me staring and smiles. I smile. We look at each other, look away, look again.

  ‘Are you waiting for someone?’ he asks in a way that makes me think he’s asking if I’m waiting for a guy.

  ‘Just a friend. I’m waiting for a guy called Ed. Just a friend,’ I say again. And then in case he missed it I say, ‘We’re not together, Ed and me. We’re about to go searching for a graffiti artist called Shadow. Have you met him?’

  ‘I haven’t. I kind of know Ed. He’s friends with Leo, right?’

  ‘Yep.’

  Some kids stumble past us, kissing as they move. ‘They make it look like an Olympic sport,’ he says. ‘We should hold up signs from one to ten to grade them.’

  ‘All the people in the party are getting very high scores.’

  ‘Tell me about it.’ He looks at me and away again. He traces a finger along the grass, making slow patterns.

  ‘I like drawing,’ he says when he catches me staring. ‘So how come you want to find this Shadow guy?’

  ‘I like his art,’ I say, and he makes more patterns. There’s something going on. I don’t know what but there’s something.

  ‘Where will you look for him?’

  ‘The old train yard and the skate park.’

  ‘Are you going now?’

  I nod. ‘You want to come?’ I don’t feel weird asking. I feel right.

  ‘I’d like to. I can’t now, though. Can I catch up with you later in the night?’

  ‘Yep. Definitely.’

  ‘Great. Where are you going after the skate park?’

  ‘Maybe Barry’s café.’

  ‘Okay. So if I want to find you it’s the old train yard, the skate park or Barry’s.’ He stands and holds out his hand. Then he pulls me up so I’m close to him. ‘In case I need it, can I have your mobile number?’

  I am all tingle as I give it to him and watch as he puts it into his phone. ‘I’m Lucy,’ I say so he can add my name with the number.

  ‘I’m Malcolm,’ he says. ‘Malcolm Dove.’

  Dove, I think. Birds trapped on a sky. It’s not out of the question that this could be Shadow. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  ‘Nice to meet you, too,’ he says. I watch him walk away, get into a car and leave. Lucky Ed takes a while coming back. I need a little time to unzing.

  ‘Would Shadow ever wear a suit?’ I ask on the way to the train station.

  ‘Not in a million years,’ Ed says.

  ‘You don’t know everything about him, though.’

  ‘I know that much.’

  It’s more awkward with Ed than when we had our eyes closed but it’s not as awkward as I thought it might be. I guess after you break a guy’s nose, semi-awkward isn’t too bad.

  ‘Where’s Beth tonight?’ I ask.

  ‘She has dinner with her family every Friday.’

  ‘And she won’t care that you’re out with me?’

  ‘Beth’s cool. And it’s not like you and me are on a date.’

  ‘No. Right. Of course.’ I look up to the sky in the hope that I’ll feel insignificant and get a little perspective on that moment of humiliation.

  ‘What are you looking at?’ Ed asks.

  Nothing that’s helping. ‘Did you know that we’re made up of the same matter as stars? We are nuclear energy exploding.’

  ‘You’re not like other girls, you know that, right?’ Ed asks.

  ‘I’ve been aware of the problem,’ I tell him. ‘But for the record, ten minutes ago you had your hand over my face while your best friend was dancing with a girl. You’re not exactly like the others, either.’

  ‘Fair point.’

  ‘I think it’s better to be different,’ I say. ‘Shadow is different.’

  ‘You’ve never met him. How would you know?’ Ed asks.

  ‘I’ve seen his paintings and art reveals a lot about a person. There’s this one of a girl with a road map on her and a guy with smoke pouring out of his car engine.’ Ed doesn’t say anything. ‘Don’t you get it? A broken-down car.’

  ‘I get it. Some girl dumped him and he’s crying over it.’

  ‘I don’t think he’s crying over it, but if he is there’s nothing w
rong with being sensitive.’

  Ed rolls his eyes a few times.

  ‘Careful. You look like my mother.’

  He rolls his eyes again.

  ‘Okay, what?’ I ask.

  ‘How do you know he’s sensitive?’

  ‘Why are you being so snappy?’

  ‘I’m not. Forget it. Shadow is sensitive. Let’s talk about something else. We can walk to the train yard from the station.’

  Good idea. Subject dropped, mister. ‘My bike’s at Barry’s. We could ride there.’ I check my watch. Eleven-thirty.

  ‘What time do you have to get home?’ he asks.

  ‘My parents know I’ll be out all night. You?’

  ‘I’ve got till about two-thirty.’

  ‘What happens then?’

  He grins. ‘Beth.’

  ‘Oh. Right,’ I say, and look up at those stars again. Nope. No good. I can’t get no insignificance.

  So there’s truth to the rumour. Teenagers are having sex. If Shadow turns out to be the kind of guy I think he is, which he will, then maybe I’ll get to do more than read surveys about it. We’ll meet and click and sit up all night and everything will tip out of me and into him and the other way around and while we’re tipping the night will fade and the world will get pink and in that pinkness he’ll kiss me. We’ll keep taking bits of each other till we get to our centre then we’ll do it and it won’t feel scary or strange. ‘I’d do it with Shadow,’ I say, imagining kissing a guy who looks like Malcolm Dove. As soon as I say that I concentrate really hard and try to bend the laws of time with my mind. Nope. No luck. The stupidest comment in the world is still out there.

  Ed’s eyebrows take on a life of their own. ‘Really,’ he says, and laughs.

  ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘Nothing. You can do it with anyone you want.’ He laughs some more. He taps his hands on his legs in time with the laughing. I have this urge to break his nose again.

  ‘Okay. That was a pretty stupid thing to say, but don’t tell me you haven’t thought about doing it with girls before.’

  ‘I’ve done more than think about it.’

  ‘I meant, thought about doing it with girls that you haven’t done it with.’ A second ago I didn’t think this couldn’t get much more humiliating, but maybe I was wrong.

  ‘I’ve thought about it with girls that I know, sure. You don’t know Shadow.’

  ‘Like Angelina Jolie never crossed your mind.’

  ‘At least I’ve seen her.’

  ‘So I haven’t seen Shadow. I’ve met someone who’s seen him and that’s almost the same thing.’

  Ed laughs again.

  ‘I actually think maybe I did meet him back at the party.’

  ‘Gorilla?’ His eyebrows go higher than I would have thought possible.

  ‘No, not Gorilla. Another guy I met out the front. He was arty and sweet and he wore a very sharp suit.’

  ‘Doesn’t sound like Shadow to me,’ he says.

  I turn my head to the left so Ed’s clear that I’m ignoring him. He didn’t have to make me feel so stupid. It’s not like I said I’d do it with Mr Darcy. Actually, I have said that before but that was a longish time ago when I didn’t have the maturity I have now.

  The first time Jazz slept over at my house we made lists of people we’d do it with. She looked over mine. ‘Yours are all fictional characters.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘So you need at least one real person. Who’s one real person you’d do it with?’

  ‘Shadow,’ I said.

  ‘I guess an invisible graffiti artist is one step up from fictional.’

  ‘He’s visible. I haven’t seen him yet, that’s all.’

  Ed and I don’t say anything the rest of the way to the station. We don’t say a lot while we wait for the train. He laughs every now and then and every now and then I think about breaking his nose.

  Once the train comes and we’re sitting opposite each other I get back to Mr Flicker of Doubt on the Dance Floor. ‘Is Leo a good guy?’

  ‘We’ve been best mates since primary school,’ Ed says, resting his feet on the seat next to me.

  ‘But is he a good guy to his girlfriends?’

  ‘He hasn’t had a girlfriend for a while, not since Emma.’

  ‘The girl with the big . . . brains?’

  He smiles slowly. ‘Uh-huh. The girl with the big . . . brains. She was smart and funny too, by the way. And tough. I liked her.’

  ‘So why’d they break up?’

  ‘Don’t know.’

  He knows, he’s not saying, which is fair enough. But I’ve left Jazz on a dark dance floor with this guy and I want to know if she might need a heads-up about something. Jazz would like to think she’s tough but I’ve seen her crying during The Notebook. ‘So Leo just sleeps with girls since Emma?’

  ‘He doesn’t lie to them. Jazz’ll know the score before anything happens.’

  ‘If anything happens,’ I say, because I don’t want him or Leo thinking that Jazz has made a decision. I don’t think she has, but maybe I’m wrong and either way I don’t want Leo taking her for granted.

  ‘Okay,’ Ed says. ‘If anything happens she’ll know the score.’

  I imagine that moment and how Jazz will feel. Nervous and excited. Hopeful that maybe she’ll spend the next day and the day after that with Leo. Days falling like dominoes in her head. And then he’ll tell her the score. ‘That’s awful,’ I say.

  ‘Being honest with her is awful?’

  ‘Being honest with her then is awful. He should be honest from the second he starts flirting with her.’

  ‘What, hi my name’s Leo and by the way I’m only out for sex?’

  ‘Is that all he’s out for?’

  ‘I didn’t say that. I was making up a situation. It looked to me as if he liked her.’

  I pull out my phone.

  ‘You should leave them alone. Leo’s a better guy than everyone thinks.’

  ‘He doesn’t look like that to me,’ I say, and dial her number.

  ‘Lucy,’ she shouts. ‘This party is unreal.’ The phone fills with music and I know she’s holding it out so I can hear. ‘Finally, my life is exciting. How’s it going with Ed?’

  ‘It’s okay. Listen, Jazz, be careful. With Leo.’

  ‘Why? What do you know?’

  ‘Nothing. I left you there, that’s all. The plan was to stick together.’

  ‘Stop worrying about me. Have some fun.’ She blows what I think is a kiss into the phone and hangs up.

  Ed gives me some eyebrow action. ‘You’re mad again,’ I say.

  ‘I’m not blocking your airway.’

  ‘You don’t know what it’ll be like for Jazz. I know what it’s like to feel disappointed, after the blood and broken bones on our . . . whatever it was that we had.’

  He gives me loads of eyebrow action.

  ‘Okay, it was your blood. You were probably a little disappointed too.’

  ‘You think?’

  The train stops at our station and we stand at the doors but they don’t open. The driver announces over the speaker that there’s been a slight technical problem but we’ll be on our way soon. I imagine him in the control room pressing all the buttons but nothing works to let us out. Press more buttons, I think as Ed and I stare at the doors. This could get awkward.

  Through the glass I see part of the Shadow piece hovering in the sky. ‘Ironic,’ I say, not really expecting Ed to get it.

  ‘What, that we’re locked in a train, staring through the glass at a painted sky, or because we’re back where we started?’

  ‘Well, both I guess.’

  ‘Just because I don’t know who Atticus Finch is doesn’t mean I’m stupid.’

  ‘I never said you were.’

  ‘I know what irony is.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Why’d you say yes to a movie if you didn’t even like me?’

  ‘It was an accident.’

  ‘You
said yes by accident?’

  ‘No. I said yes on purpose. The other thing was an accident.’

  ‘You didn’t even put me in a taxi. Do you have any idea how much a broken nose hurts?’

  ‘You are still mad at me.’

  ‘Of course I’m still mad. You never even called to see how I was. After accidents like that, people usually call to apologise.’

  ‘That’s a really good point,’ I say, because it is a really good point. How could I not even think of calling? How did I not put him in a taxi? I could have called Dad. ‘I didn’t even think of calling.’ I pull back from a severe eyebrow raise. ‘I did vomit, though,’ I tell him. ‘Which I think shows some real remorse.’

  He drops his eyebrows. ‘You vomited?’

  ‘When I got home. Barely made the sink. I had to throw out my clothes.’

  Again we have a silence that only astronauts can fully understand.

  Then Ed says, ‘That’s a shame. I really liked that t-shirt you were wearing.’

  ‘You remember my t-shirt?’

  ‘Up until the anaesthetic I remember everything.’

  ‘I am sorry,’ I say. ‘Sorry that I broke your nose and really sorry that I didn’t put you in a taxi.’

  ‘And sorry that you didn’t call to check on me.’

  ‘I’m sorry about that, too.’

  He leans on the wall of the carriage and folds his arms. ‘I’m sorry I grabbed your arse.’

  I can’t resist. ‘What’s wrong with my arse, mister?’

  Eyebrows up. Doors open. ‘Got it,’ the driver says over the intercom.

  ‘If Jazz is anything like you, Leo’s the one with something to worry about,’ he says, and lets me walk first into the night, which, I have to say, I kind of like.

  Poet

  Dance floor

  11.45 pm

  Maybe

  Maybe you and me

  Maybe you and me

  Maybe you and me

  But probably not

  Maybe I hang out with you longer than a night

  Maybe I hang out with you longer than a night

  Maybe I hang out with you longer than a night

  But probably not