Daniel texted me each day, making sure I was finding time to eat, to cry, to mourn. Each text ended the same: I love you.
I’d needed that.
The night before Christmas, I couldn’t sleep. I sat in the living room with my notebook, writing away, pouring all of my thoughts into my imaginary characters. I heard footsteps approaching from behind me. I turned to see Henry walking with two coffee mugs.
“Tea?” he asked. “Rebecca had some weird flavor in the cabinet, but I thought I would give it a try.” I nodded and moved over on the couch to make room for him. He sat down and handed me a mug. “What are ya working on?”
“My novel.”
“What’s it about?”
I bit my bottom lip. “I’m not quite sure yet. But I’ll let you know when I find out.” Closing the notebook, I turned toward him. “Gabby did forgive you,” I said. “She never blamed you for leaving.”
Henry’s eyes locked with mine. “And what about you?”
“Me?” I paused. “I’m working on it.”
He nodded. “That’s progress.”
Next were the tears that streamed down my face and the shaking followed. “I’ve been so terrible to you.”
“I’ve been even worse, Ashlyn. I wasn’t there. I missed so much.” His head lowered. “Where do we go from here?”
“I don’t know. But let’s just get through tonight.” I lifted my tea, took a sip, then spit it into the cup. “Oh my gosh! That tastes like reindeer piss!”
Henry laughed and raised an eyebrow. “And you know how reindeer piss tastes because…”
I gestured toward his mug. “Try it. See for yourself.”
When the tea hit his lips, he gagged, spitting it back into the cup. “Yup, that’s definitely Rudolph’s piss.”
“Really? I was thinking it was Comet’s.”
He smiled. I smiled. We smiled. Not an uncomfortable grin, not an estranged father-daughter smile, but a real smile. The first one we’d had in…years.
“I think I’m going to go see her…be with her for the holiday. If it’s okay with you, I’ll probably go tomorrow.”
He grimaced.
“I’ll come back, Henry,” I promised.
“She’ll love that, Ashlyn. She’s doing a lot better…” He moved to the Christmas tree in the corner and lifted a gift box. “Here you go.”
My fingers ran over the wrapping paper. I saw my name written across it and my heart skipped. “You always give us gift cards,” I whispered.
“Yeah, well… I thought I would try something different this year. Open it.”
I was slow to unwrap the gift, feeling as if this were some kind of dream I would awake from. I gasped when I saw the CD sitting in my hands. Romeo’s Quest.
Henry cleared his throat. “I know it might be weird, being your teacher’s band and all. But I saw them perform a few weeks ago. They’re good, Ashlyn.” He paused. His bottom lip twitched. “Dan”—he paused again—“Mr. Daniels was telling me how they based each song off Shakespeare plays. You like Shakespeare, right? But if you hate it, we can get something else. I’ll take you shopping—”
A deep sigh rolled through me. My arms wrapped around Henry and I held him close. “Thank you, Henry. It’s perfect.” When we pulled away, I went back to the tea and took another sip, gagging after the taste.
“Why do you even drink this nasty stuff?” Henry asked, eyeing the tea.
“It’s not all nasty,” I argued. “Plus, Gabby loved tea, she’s the reason I started drinking it.”
His eyebrows lowered. “Do you think you can tell me more about Gabby?”
My lips turned down and I felt my heartbeat increase at the idea of sharing the wonderful things about my best friend to the guy who should’ve already known her. “What do you want to know?”
His voice was a whisper, barely making a sound. “Everything.”
After spending hours sitting and chatting with Henry about Gabby, I found myself sitting in the bathtub on my phone talking to Daniel. It was around three a.m. and he had no plans of hanging up on me.
“Sorry to call so late,” I sighed.
“No worries. I was just lying here, hugging my pillow, thinking of you.”
I laughed at his comment. “I’m going to see my mom tomorrow…”
“Yeah? I think that’s great.”
“I’m nervous… What if it doesn’t go over well? What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if I get there and I’m still mad at her? Because…I still feel mad.”
I heard his breathing through the receiver, and that sound alone gave me a hair of comfort. “I’ve had a lot of terrible things happen in my life. And what I’ve come to realize is if you don’t say what you need to say when you have a chance…you’ll regret it. Even if you’re mad, say it. Scream it into the world while you still have a chance to. Because once life passes you by, it’s gone. And so are the words left unspoken.”
My eyes blinked tight and I felt my heart pounding against my ribcage. Say what I needed to say. That idea scared me so much. “I’m sleepy…”
“Go to bed, Ash. You have big day tomorrow.”
I nodded to the phone as if he could see me. “Will you stay on the line with me? Until I fall asleep?”
“Of course.”
I stood up from the tub and moved back toward my bedroom. “Merry Christmas, Daniel.”
“Merry Christmas, angel.”
I lay with my phone to my ear, and he played his guitar through the line until my eyes fell heavy and dreams washed over me.
I climbed onto the train with Gabby’s treasure chest in my lap. I figured opening a few letters with Mom might be good for her. For us. I texted Daniel, thanking him for last night. He only texted back with one word: Always.
Sitting in a window seat on the train back to Chicago brought back the memories of my first train trip to Wisconsin. Where Daniel and I had first crossed paths. So much had changed since then, yet a few things still remained. Those blue eyes, for one.
I placed the treasure box on the seat next to me. My legs tucked against my chest and I sighed. I missed them both so much, Ryan and Gabby. A few tears started falling from my eyes as my head fell to the glass window and the train started moving. Closing my eyes, I took a few deep breaths. I’m okay. I told myself that over and over, yet the tears kept coming.
There should be a universal law that said young people shouldn’t be allowed to die. Because they’d never really had a chance to live.
My eyes reopened when I heard footsteps near me and I looked up.
Beautiful.
Breathtaking.
Brilliant.
Blue eyes.
More tears fell as Daniel lifted my treasure box and sat down in the seat beside me. “What was his greatest fact?” he asked, pulling me close and kissing away the tears.
I closed my eyes as more emotion kept falling down my cheeks, yet he never stopped his kisses, catching each tear against his lips. “His heart. The way he loved so deep and felt so much,” I whispered about Ryan. “The way he loved his sister and his mom. The way he missed his dad…” My eyes reappeared and I placed my hands on the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. “What was your mom’s favorite Christmas fact?”
This time, he closed his eyes. He didn’t reply right away. When his blues opened, they were glassed over with water. “I don’t talk about her…”
I nodded. “I know.”
We rested our foreheads against one another, breathing in each other’s existence. “Her double problem showed up every Christmas. I always got two of the same sweaters, just in case I ruined one. She would bake double the amount of cookies. She would make us watch It’s a Wonderful Life twice. She…” he chuckled, brushing his finger across his forehead. “She added double the vodka to the holiday punch. But that was for Dad mainly.”
“What was his craziest fact?” I asked, lightly kissing his lips.
“Hmm, he was a dreamer who made things happen. He bought
the boat before he had the lake house. But he was sure the house would come. He dreamed it to life, I think.” My fingers knotted his hair in my hands. He kissed the bridge of my nose. “You’re never going to have to do these types of things alone, Ashlyn. Never.”
I want to know who you were before me.
I want to see the world that you see.
~ Romeo’s Quest
We made a quick stop before heading to Mom’s house. When Daniel drove the rental car up to the curb of the suburban house, I smiled. One of the cars in the driveway had bumper stickers covering it with some of the best bands ever created.
Bentley’s car.
I reached into the treasure chest and pulled out Gabby’s promise ring and the letter addressed to Bentley. Feeling the ring against my fingers made me sigh. They would’ve been so happy together.
“I’ll wait here,” Daniel said, noticing the look in my eyes.
“Please come with me?” I asked, climbing out of the car.
His door opened and he climbed out, too, closing the door quietly. Each footstep I took toward the household felt painful. Each time my winter boots lifted, I felt a sharp knife stabbing me inside my gut.
Holding on to the ring and letter with one hand and Daniel’s hand with the other, I climbed the steps up to the front door. My head turned to the porch swing, which was covered in a bit of snow. I blinked and the memories started to resurface.
“I think I love him,” Gabby whispered against my ear as we swung back and forth on Bentley’s porch on a humid summer night. He headed inside to grab us some sodas before we went to the fair.
I snickered at my sister. “You love him.”
She gave me a sly smile and nodded. “I love him.”
Shaking my head back and forth, I snapped myself out of the memory. My finger rose and I held the doorbell down for a second. Right at the sound of the doorbell, though, I wanted to retreat. I wanted to go back the way I’d come and drive back down to Chicago.
Then Daniel tightened his hold on my hand.
I relaxed.
The door opened, and when I saw Bentley through the screen door, I gasped. He looked surprised and a bit sad at first. I wished I didn’t look so much like her. Just seeing me probably broke his heart.
Bentley stepped onto the porch and his eyes widened. “Ashlyn,” he whispered.
My feet started shifting around. My nerves were growing strong.
Daniel let go of my hand, and when I looked at him, he gave me a small grin.
“Hi, Bentley.”
Bentley laughed, his eyes watering over. “‘Hi, Bentley?’ That’s all I get? Come here.” He wrapped me into a hug. I breathed him in, hugging him tighter and tighter as time went by. “You look so good,” he whispered against me.
“You too, Bent.” We pulled away from one another and both wiped at our eyes, laughing. “Oh, Merry Christmas!” I said, scratching at the back of my neck.
He smiled wide. “So who do we have here?”
I turned to Daniel, who was quietly waiting to the side. I blushed. “This is Daniel, my—” I paused, not knowing what we were at the moment.
“Boyfriend,” Daniel smiled, holding his hand out toward Bentley. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Bentley gave me a coy look, “Oh, it’s nice to meet you, too.” He pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek. “He’s a looker, isn’t he?” I giggled and shoved Bentley in the arm. “Well, don’t just stand out here. Come on inside.”
Hesitation took over me. For some reason, I didn’t feel as if I should step inside without Gabby by my side. “We can’t stay. I just…” My hands rose with the letter and ring. “I wanted to give you this.” The ring landed in his hands and I heard a deep-rooted gasp run through him. “She left it in the treasure box you gave me. And she asked me to give you the letter.”
He held the piece of paper tight in his hand. “This is from Gabrielle?”
I nodded.
As I watched him slowly open the letter, a weird sense of peace washed over me. It felt like a book closing, the final chapter to the love story of Bentley and Gabrielle receiving closure.
He cried as he read her words. Of course he cried. Her letters always made people cry. “She was my favorite.” His voice cracked as he kept reading the words over and over again.
“I know.”
“Sometimes I wonder how I’m supposed to begin again, ya know? How am I supposed to…” He coughed and ran his hand over his water-soaked face. “How am I supposed to ever be happy again?”
“You start slow.” Daniel stepped forward, placing his hand on Bentley’s shoulder. “You allow yourself to feel whatever the hell it is you’re feeling. And when you start to feel happy, don’t feel guilty about it.”
“Start slow,” Bentley repeated to himself. His head fell to the porch. “Wow. He’s a looker and he’s smart. So much better than Billy.”
I laughed at Bentley’s comment and pulled him into a goodbye hug. “Take care of yourself, okay?”
He pulled back and kissed my forehead. “You too, Ash-Ash.” Turning to Daniel, Bentley shook his hand. “Daniel… Take care of my kid sister, okay?”
Daniel held on to Bentley’s hand for second longer and smiled. He then stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I will.”
He would.
Home—what does it mean?
It’s your eyes staring back at me.
Just Breathe.
~ Romeo’s Quest
“Mom?” I said as I turned the doorknob, entering the apartment. It was exactly the same. The living room still had the large, ugly floral print frame traveling around the ivory-colored walls. The television was still on crappy reality television. The couch was still the same brown mundane color.
Yet it all felt different.
Daniel walked in behind me, closing the door. “I don’t think she’s here,” I whispered, but I didn’t know why. It felt as if I were trespassing, and if I were to get caught, the world would crash around me.
I stared down the hallway toward what used to be Gabby’s and my bedroom. Every hair on my body stood up. Goose bumps covered my skin. I hadn’t known I would feel so scared yet so angry just by standing in the apartment, but I did. I wanted to scream, but my throat was tight. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come.
Walking to my bedroom, I found that the door was closed. My fingers wrapped around the doorknob and I pushed it opened.
Just like the rest of the apartment, everything was the same but somehow different. I hated that.
My side of the bed still had a few of the books I’d left behind sitting on my dresser. The closet was filled with both my clothes and Gabby’s.
I moved to my bed, which was perfectly made, and sat down on the edge of it. Patting the spot beside me, I invited Daniel to sit with me.
“It smells like you,” he noticed. “I know that sounds weird, but it does.”
My eyes moved to my pillow and I picked it up, breathing it in. It had recently been sprayed with my favorite perfume.
“I’m going to tell her how much trouble she caused,” I stated, staring up at Gabby’s side of the room. Her Beatles posters were still hanging up. Leaned up against her bed frame was her acoustic guitar. Pictures of her and Bentley were still taped all over the wall. Photos of her and me… “She abandoned me when I needed her the most.”
I looked to Daniel, who was giving me pained eyes, yet he didn’t speak.
“She—she told me to go away!” I stood up, feeling my blood start to boil. Being back here was stirring up my emotions; being back here was pissing me off. “I could have helped her! I could have taken care of her!” I screamed, pacing back and forth.
He kept staring. I kept breaking.
“And then she has the nerve to spray my pillow?! As if she misses me?!” I huffed and puffed, my face heating up. I pounded my hand against my chest. “Gabby was my twin! If anyone should have fallen apart, it should’ve been me!”
I was
both furious and nervous. Furious because Mom had turned to alcohol when she could have turned to me. And nervous because I was afraid to see her broken.
Moving over to Gabby’s bed, I started ripping her comforter off, tossing her pillows to the side, tossing her sheets to the ground. “She’s not coming home, Mom!” I cried into the air.
Next, I hit Gabby’s posters, tearing them down. I reached for the photos and started tearing those to the ground, too. Daniel wrapped his arms around me and pulled me off of the bed.
“Ashlyn, stop,” he ordered.
I couldn’t. My mind had been taken away from me by the sadness, by the memories. How dare Mom order me to leave. How dare Henry take care of me. How dare Gabrielle get cancer. How dare Ryan kill himself!
“I gave Ryan a place to stay. We were supposed to sleep it off and figure things out in the morning. Rebecca calmed down. She wanted him to come home. Hailey needed him… What an asshole. He’s an asshole for dying!”
It wasn’t fair. They’d all left me when I would have done anything to stay with them. I would have given them all the love they needed.
Why wasn’t I enough?
He was holding me around my waist, yet I kept kicking and screaming. “Let me go!” He held on tighter. I started kicking my legs around, clawing my fingernails into his arms, trying to rip his hold of me away. My howls grew deeper and the pain only intensified. “Let me go!”
“No.” He held on and placed me against a wall to control my kicks. My body landed against the cold wall and I cried. “I’m never letting you go, Ashlyn. I’m never letting you go.”
“You will! You will let me go.”
My stomach twisted and I felt like I was going to vomit. He wasn’t trying to, but he was lying to me.
Because everyone always let go.
My vision began to blur over and I felt lightheaded.
“You’re having a panic attack,” Daniel whispered against me as my breathing started to increase. My insides tightened. “Calm down for me, sweets. Steady your breathing.” He turned me around so I was facing him. I yanked on his shirt, pulling him closer to me.
Loving Mr. Daniels Page 23
