I lost it.
Completely lost it.
But he was still there.
We sat on the couch, facing toward the front door. When I heard keys jingling, my heart pounded against my ribcage. The door opened slowly and I saw Mom walking in with Jeremy behind her.
I stood to my feet and heard Mom gasp. Tears built up in her eyes and her shoulders slumped.
I was supposed to be mad.
I was supposed to hate her.
But all I could do was hug her, pull her to me, and cry into her. I didn’t know what to think of the exchange between the two of us.
And maybe tomorrow, I would be mad again.
And maybe when I went back to Wisconsin, I would hate her once more.
But right now? On Christmas afternoon?
Right now, we were just two people made to screw up, fuck up, and learn new things. We were made perfectly imperfect.
Snow falls soft.
I love you slowly.
~ Romeo’s Quest
Those few days in Chicago, Mom and I didn’t figure things out. We didn’t work on our issues.
We mourned the first Christmas without Gabby. On New Year’s Eve, we cleaned out the bedroom, too. Mom lifted up Gabby’s guitar and smiled toward Daniel. “You can have it.”
He frowned. “I can’t.”
“Please,” Mom whispered, running her fingers over the guitar strings. “It deserves to be played.”
Daniel looked over to me and I smiled, nodding.
“Thank you,” he said, taking the guitar into his hands. As Mom and I folded up the last of the clothes to send the Goodwill, Daniel played Gabby’s guitar.
“Do you know any Beatles?” I asked him. Mom looked up toward him and smiled, waiting for his answer.
He played Let It Be, singing quietly. His voice was smoother than I’d ever heard it before. It gave me the best kinds of chills. Outside the window, snow fell at a tamed speed, falling against the tree branches, falling against every inch of Chicago.
And when the clock struck midnight, everyone cried.
“What do you think?” I asked Daniel as we arrived back at the train station in Edgewood. “Do you think she’ll be able to stop drinking?”
“I don’t know,” he answered. “But I hope she does.”
“Me too.” I looked around and smiled at Daniel. We stood in a hidden corner by the payphones in the Amtrak station. “She wants me to come back to live with her…to work on our relationship.”
He nodded slowly. “I know.”
My voice whispered with the next topic. Mom had given me the letter from the college of my dreams on the way out. “I got into the University of Southern California.”
“I know,” he repeated. “Of course you did.” His head lowered to the ground. “No matter what, no matter how hard we try…why do I feel like I’m going to lose you?”
I felt it, too. But I couldn’t voice it. “Okay, well, Henry is going to pick me up soon. I’ll call you later? Otherwise I’ll see you at school this week.” I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him on his lips, trying to give him ease to his doubt. He lightly tugged on my bottom lip and I sighed against his mouth. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
As I watched him walk toward the door, my heart tightened. After our final exams in a few weeks, there was a whole new semester where Daniel and I would have to pretend to not be in love. Only this time, I wouldn’t be in his class. The idea of going through that again was painful. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted him to quit his job. I wanted him to run away with me, but I knew he couldn’t. He loved teaching. He loved his band. His home was here in Edgewood.
And what about college? I’d gotten into the University of Southern California. My dream school. That would be four years away from Daniel—four more years of separation.
We had gone one semester with being surrounded by each other and it had almost been the end of me. A raw truth was settling into my head as I studied him outside the building. I’d fallen in love with the right guy at the wrong time.
“Hey, Ashlyn.”
Jumping out of my skin, I turned around at the sound of my name. “Jake, you scared me. What are you doing here?”
“Just got back from my grandparents’…” He gave me a grimace look. “Were you just kissing Mr. Daniels?”
My mouth dried up and I coughed. “What?”
“You were just kissing Mr. Daniels.” He said it as a fact, but it hit my ears as a question.
I studied him intensely as he rotated his body toward the exit, pointing to Daniel, who was standing outside waiting for a taxi. I could feel the vomit climbing up my throat.
Laughing nervously, I yanked up my suitcase handle and started to roll it away from him. My legs felt like Jell-O. My mind felt like mush. “I gotta meet Henry…” I muttered.
We messed up.
We’d gotten too comfortable. We’d touched too much. We’d slipped.
Footsteps were following me, and I frowned at the sound of them. “Ashlyn! Listen, you’re a smart girl. But hooking up with your teach—” Jake’s mouth was yapping and yapping.
My hand flew to his lips, shutting him up. “Shut up, Jake! Shut up!” I was going to cry. No, correction—I was crying.
“Oh my gosh, it’s true,” he muttered, stepping back. “He’s the guy?! He’s the one?! Oh my gosh, Ashlyn!”
He was pacing back and forth. I looked toward the exit and saw Henry’s truck parked in the front of the station. My fingers ran across my eyes, and I tried my best to pull my panicked self together.
My entire body shook, my hands trembling.
“Don’t say anything…” I whispered.
Jake gave me a harsh look of disbelief.
I walked away, not looking back once. But I could feel his eyes still staring at me. Judging me. Losing all respect for who he thought he could someday love.
I’m not afraid of losing you.
I’m more afraid of losing me.
Don’t make me choose. Because I’ll choose you.
~ Romeo’s Quest
First-hour chemistry was something I feared on the first day back to school. I didn’t want to come face to face with Jake. I didn’t want him to look at me with disappointment glowing in his eyes.
When I stepped into the classroom, I heard everyone whispering. I wasn’t sure if it was because Ryan was dead or because I looked like death, but they whispered along. Jake was sitting at our lab table, and when he saw me, I gave him a small smile.
His lips curved up a bit.
Only a small, tiny hair, but it was enough for me right now.
“Hey,” I said, taking my seat.
“Hey, Ashlyn,” he chuckled, stressing my name. “I panicked…when I saw”—he cleared his throat and moved in closer to me—“what I saw. I understand completely though.”
My heart pounded aggressively. “You do?”
“Of course, Ash. You lost your sister. Then you lost Ryan. You were an easy target for the asshole.”
“He’s not an asshole!” I cried, seeing that Jake definitely didn’t understand.
He took my hand in his and held on to it. I wanted to rip it from his grip, but I didn’t. Jake didn’t know the history of Daniel and me. I couldn’t expect him to understand.
“I’ll make him regret using you though,” he whispered with order in his tone. “He’ll regret hurting you.”
“Jake! No, please. You don’t understand.”
He didn’t reply. His mind was already made up.
And I saw it happening. My life was once again falling apart.
It never even had a chance to fall back together.
I walked down the hallways after chemistry feeling as if my heart were resting underneath my shoe. I wished I’d had Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, which would make me disappear right then and there. Hailey hadn’t made it back to school yet, and I understood completely.
The looks of pure sadness that were delivered my way
were intense and forced my eyes to water every now and then. When I reached my locker, I looked down and saw Daniel standing in his doorway, staring directly at me. His cool eyes held a wicked amount of guilt and hurt, and I tried my best to crack a smile. He must have heard the whispering crowds, too. He stepped forward toward me and I shook my head back and forth.
The only person who could comfort me wasn’t allowed to. The only person I wanted to run his fingers through my hair and hold me against his chest had to stay at a distance.
“I don’t care,” he mouthed, and my heart was breaking into a million useless pieces.
I shrugged my shoulders and the tears started to pour from my eyes. “I do,” I mouthed back to him before I lowered my head. I cried into my locker and gasped for air as the overwhelming memories of death proceeded to surface in my soul.
Why were Gabby and Ryan dead? And why in the hell did I deserve to be alive?
I choked on my tears when a reality set in.
I ruined lives. I was certain I did. I’d ruined Gabby’s life. I’d ruined Ryan’s. I’d ruined Henry’s and Mom’s. And I was on the pathway of ruining Daniel’s, too.
Before I knew it, two arms were wrapped around me and pulling me closer to their body. I looked up and saw Daniel still standing at his classroom door, tears fighting to escape his eyes, but I was thankful of his choice to keep his distance.
Henry was shushing my tears as I felt his own dripping onto my face. “It’s okay, Ash. You’re okay. We’re okay.”
I yanked at his shirt, pulling him closer. “Dad…” I whispered, unable to get any other words to leave my mouth. The undeniable power of pain was devastating. I’d known hearts could hurt, but I’d never known they could bleed out into the realms of nothingness.
Henry held on to me. Students passed and whispered, and some even stood and stared. But I released the breath I’d been holding for the past few months.
And I inhaled the air that lightened my mind.
And I exhaled the air that clogged up my soul.
Breathe in, breathe out. I was desperately in need of performing that task over and over again.
Just. Breathe. Ashlyn.
I was alone at the lunch table. I didn’t even pick up a tray to eat. I just sat. Alone. Broken.
Avery glanced over to me at one point as if he were going to join me, but then he looked away, back to his football table. I wondered how much longer he would keep his sexuality a secret. I wondered if he’d tried to convince himself that he was straight just so he wouldn’t end up as another statistic.
I hoped he would be all right.
Jake was standing in line getting his food. He nodded toward me as if he were going to come sit with me, but I didn’t want to be near him. I hopped up from the table and hurried away. I walked past Avery. I walked past Jake.
But I didn’t walk past Ryan.
Because you couldn’t walk past the dead.
My eyes fell to Daniel, giving him a few blinks that I wanted him to follow me.
I stepped into the gated area in the basement, and there I stood in the darkened space, waiting. To some, I probably appeared to be pathetic for leaning against a wall next a dirty bucket and a mop, but I didn’t care. He would come; I knew he would. If Daniel Daniels loved me the way I knew he did, he would show up.
So I would wait. Even if that meant waiting until the sun fell down and led the world into abyss, I would patiently wait. Knowing that, no matter what, he would do everything in his power to meet me.
I heard his footsteps, and when I looked up, I saw his face. “Sorry I’m late.”
The sniffles were coming back, and when I felt his hands wrap around my lower back, I pressed into him, forming our bodies together.
“I’m sad,” I said breathily.
He rested his chin on top of my head, soothing me with his loving caresses. “I’m sad, too. So instead of being sad alone, we can be sad together for a little while.” His lips connected with my forehead, and I knew there was no one else in the world I wanted to hold. No one else in the world I wanted to have as mine.
But I would hurt him.
I always hurt people because I never took the time to heal myself.
So I had to leave him.
But it felt so hard to pull away.
“I’ve never been in love before,” I whispered, laying my head against his chest.
His fingers traveled through my hair and ran across my cheek, finding my lips. “I thought I’d been in love before, but I was wrong,” he said, circling my mouth with the tip of his thumb. My hot air brushed against his finger as he continued the simple motion that was driving me insane. “Before you, I never truly loved. I’ve never believed in eternity until I found you, Sweets. Ashlyn Jennings, you’re my forever always.”
“No,” I whispered, on the verge of crying. “Daniel, somebody knows.”
His eyes looked down to mine and I felt his worry wash over me. Or maybe it was my own worry. Sometimes our feelings were so in sync it was hard to tell them apart.
“How?”
“The train station yesterday. They saw us.”
His hand brushed over his face and he nodded, taking in the information. “Okay.”
That’s all he said.
I narrowed my eyes. “Daniel, he wants to tell! He wants to get you in trouble!”
His shoulders fell and his sweet blue eyes locked with mine. “I’ve been thinking about quitting, Ashlyn. I can just do my music to make a living. My parents had a little saved up, too. I’ll sell their house. I can find another job or something. That way I can give you everything you need. We can make this work. I can hold you when you need to be held. I can kiss you and not worry about who’s watching. I’ll come to California to be with you.”
“Daniel,” I said nervously. “You can’t sell that house… It’s your home. And you love teaching.”
“No, I love you. You are all that matters.”
He was going to give up everything he’d worked for, everything he was, to choose me.
That’s when I knew what I had to do.
My voice cracked. “I’m ruining your life.”
The walls felt as if they were closing in. I felt chains wrapping around my heart as I slowly started to un-invite Daniel inside of me.
“No…” his voice choked out. I felt his nerves. He knew where this was going.
“My mom’s doing better. But she’s alone down there. I should go back, go home.”
His fingers wrapped around mine and lay against my chest. “This is home, Ashlyn. We are home.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t—” His voice shook. “I don’t understand. I know things are a mess, but…” Tears burned down his cheeks and he stepped away.
“I don’t know who I am right now, Daniel.” My voice was shaky, broken. “I went from having a twin, to having you, and there has never been a time for me to learn what it means to be alone. And I need to try. I need to try to be alone for awhile to prove to myself that I can stand on my own.”
“I understand that, I really do…but…” He wiped his eyes and turned away from me. His hands landed on his waist, and I watched the deep inhales and heavy exhales he was taking. “How can I fix this? How can I make you stay?” He looked back to me. “I’ll give up my world for you, Ash. I’ll give it all up.”
“Daniel…what if I gave up going to California for school?” I whispered.
He declined that offer, telling me that California was all I ever wanted, it was my dream. I moved over to him and brushed my fingers against his cheeks. My hands wrapped around his neck and I pulled his mouth to mine, kissing him hard, feeling his tears hit my lips.
“I know.” I swallowed hard. “Don’t ask me to be the reason you give up everything.”
“How am I supposed to keep going? Without seeing you every day? Without you?”
My hands landed on his chest. “Start slow,” I said. “Maybe we were just meant to get each other through t
he darkness.”
“I don’t believe that,” he argued.
I frowned. “It was Jake Kenn. You’ll have to talk to him. I can’t be the reason you lose everything you worked so hard to get.”
He chuckled nervously. “I’ve lost worse.”
My footsteps away from Daniel were the most painful steps I’d ever taken. The walls were whispering to me, mocking me with the debilitating truths of Daniel’s and my fate. There were so many times I wanted to turn back to him and take back my words. But I knew I’d made the right decision.
Because if it were the wrong decision, my heart wouldn’t hurt this much.
Don’t say goodbye.
~ Romeo’s Quest
Walking back into the cafeteria, I gasped when I saw Hailey sitting with Jake at our table talking. I rushed over and hugged Hailey tightly. “I thought you weren’t coming back this week!”
She smiled. “Gotta start back sometime.”
Daniel returned to the cafeteria and walked over to our table. “Jake, can I talk to you for a minute in my classroom?”
Jake narrowed his eyes on Mr. Daniels and huffed, “No thanks.”
I cringed at his reaction and moved over to Jake. I placed my mouth near his ear and sighed. “Please, Jake? For me?”
He frowned and shook his head back and forth. He didn’t say a word. He just stood up and followed Daniel out of the room.
Hailey and I sat back down at the table. “Remember in the beginning of the year when I said I’d never seen two people love each other so quietly? About Ryan and Avery?” Hailey asked. I nodded. Her eyes moved toward Daniel, who was walking away. “I stand corrected.”
I leaned in toward her. “Jake told you?” She nodded. I started to explain the complete situation but she cut me off.
“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Ashlyn.” Her eyes watered over and she shrugged. “Friends stick together no matter what. And I told Jake to shut his big mouth and keep it to himself.”
Loving Mr. Daniels Page 24
