Fate of the Free Lands
Page 25
“Twins,” Jules said.
“Twins.” He stared at her, dread in his gaze. “Did they…? Something went wrong?”
“Everything went as well as it could. They’re both healthy.”
“But then where—?”
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“I don’t know!” She heard the despair and pain in her voice, and struggled to get it under control again.
Ian stared at her, confusion and anger appearing, his hands clenching into fists. “The twins were definitely mine?”
Her own anger stirred. She welcomed it, embracing the heat it brought. “I can’t believe you asked me that.”
He got mad in turn. “I’m the father? I can’t believe that I wasn’t told! I deserve to know where the children are!”
“I don’t care what you think you deserve!” She closed her eyes, too tired to keep arguing. “Beside, I can’t tell you. Not won’t tell you, can’t”
“Jules, I don’t understand any of this.”
“The prophecy, Ian. Any child born to me is doomed. You know that! I had to do it! There was only one way to save the twins, Ian. Only one way to give them a chance at life. Because if anyone knew I was the mother, they’d die.”
“What did you do?” Ian asked, his voice low.
She knew she had to tell him. “As soon as they were born, they were…taken. Ships left here last night. I never…never saw… Never touched…” Jules inhaled deeply, the words suddenly spilling out. “The ships will take the children somewhere, different somewheres, and transfer the children to someone else, who will transfer the child to someone else, and…I don’t know how many. Enough that no one will know who the child’s mother is, no one can ever trace the chains afterwards to the end. At the end of it all, there’re supposed to be good families for both. But I don’t know. I can’t know. No one can know who the mother of those children is.”
Ian stood up abruptly and walked to one side of the cabin, then turned and walked across to the other, moving like a man who wasn’t seeing where he went. He stopped, turned and sat down again, his mouth working but no words coming. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he finally got out, his voice holding grief as well as reproach. “I’m the father.”
“Because this way the guilt is on me,” Jules said. “You didn’t deserve any of the pain, Ian. It’s mine. Go ahead and hate me. You can’t possibly hate me more than I do myself.”
He didn’t answer for a long time, his hands on the table before him twitching, his expression that of a man slowly taking in something he hadn’t sought or expected.
“I’m sorry,” Jules finally said. “I shouldn’t have done this to you. I know why you hate me now.”
He looked at her, his eyes filled with struggle and concern. “I don’t hate you.”
“Why not?”
“How can I hate you?” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Yes, I hurt, but I can see how much having to do this hurt you.”
“I’m fine,” Jules said, trying to push aside his sympathy.
“Are you? Then why do I see your heart lying on the table between us, ripped from you and bleeding?” He looked toward the door to the cabin, his expression torn, his voice filled with yearning. “If I left right away…tried to catch one of the ships…”
“What, Ian?” Jules asked. “Suppose you did catch the ships, find the children. Then what?”
He grimaced in pain, clenching his fists again. “The children would die. Eventually. Before then they might be traded as pawns or prizes among those wanting in on the prophecy. They’d never have peace and they’d die young, probably very young. I hate to admit it, but I understand your reasons. I understand the terrible logic that leaves only one choice if our children are to live. But you should have let me share in the decision. I had a right to be part of it.”
“No. The prophecy lies on me. The decision was one I had to make,” Jules said, her own voice faint. “It’s my fault.”
“I wasn’t so drunk that night that I didn’t know what might come of it! And I knew the danger any child of ours would face. But I didn’t listen to my own conscience. The guilt is mine as well.”
She looked away, not wanting to share the pain. “It’s done now. I used you. You can leave with a clear conscience.” There. That should get him out of here.
“You used me? You have no feelings for me?”
“No. Nothing.”
“Liar. Do you think I’d let you off that easily?” Ian reached to pick up the mug on the table, offering it to her for another drink. She took a swallow rather than turn her head away, the rum-laced coffee once more feeling both cool and warm, welcome in her dry mouth and throat. “I’m facing things I want to avoid. You should do the same. My memories of that night with you are vague in part, but I do remember some things very clearly. I remember you saying ‘I love you’ to me.”
“That was just passion,” Jules said. “I didn’t mean it.”
“You said it more than once, and it sounded like you meant it.”
“Well, there, you see what a fool you are?”
“Jules.” Ian extended one hand toward her. She saw it was shaking. “I want to stay with you.”
“Why?” she asked, ignoring the gesture. Why wouldn’t he go? “Do you like being mistreated? Or do you like being in constant fear of your life?”
“Maybe both,” Ian said. “Why does your crew stay with you?”
“I honestly don’t know.” The longer he was here, the more part of her wanted him to stay, the more part of her wanted that comfort. But the prophecy looming over her life would destroy anyone who became too close to her. “If you stayed on this ship, nothing would come of it. Don’t think it’d be a way to get close to me.”
“Closer than we were nine months ago?”
She felt her face warming at the memory. “Um…that… Why? Why would you want to stay?”
Ian laughed, slow and quiet, the tones sad rather than humorous, his voice afterwards still strained. “Jules, you do realize that most people have to figure out what their goals in life are, right? That most of us have to search for what we want to do and what we want to become?”
“What are you talking about?” Jules asked, wondering why Ian was speaking so oddly.
He looked at her. “You told me about growing up, about how you decided early on that you wouldn’t be forced into the usual paths of orphans and instead become an officer in the Emperor’s service. You had that goal for so long that you have no memory of deciding on it. And then the prophecy happened, and your goals in life were suddenly bent in a very different direction. You fought it, but you’ve had to live with the reality of the prophecy that sets your life on a certain road.
“But the rest of us, Jules. We have to look at many different paths, trying to choose one.”
She shook her head at him. “You told me that it was expected that you’d become an officer, following in your father’s footsteps. You didn’t really decide that.”
“I did decide it,” Ian said. “I could’ve walked away, but there wasn’t anything else I knew of that I wanted more, so I went along with it. Then you…you captured me, and told me my mother and sister were here, and that set my goals for me again. I had no choice but to look after them, until they decided to go off in a direction I would not follow. I didn’t fully realize how much my life had lacked a goal I really wanted until I was left alone here in Dor’s Castle.”
“I can’t help you find a purpose in life, Ian,” Jules said.
“You already have.”
She made a face. “Stop that. Don’t give me that junk about me giving your life meaning.”
“It’s only partly about being in love with you,” Ian said, looking back at her with a serious expression. “And, yes, I do love you. I still love you even though I don’t know why. I’ve loved you for some time, and I finally freely confess that to you now.”
“Ian, stars above, I am not in the mood—”
“That’s right,” Jules said, surprised at the turn in the conversation. “I’m going to make that happen. If I can. Keep the free lands as free as possible, until whenever the Great Guilds are overthrown.”
“Will you let me help?” Ian said. “I’d also like to see that happen.”
“You…what?”
“I don’t want the system that betrayed my father after a lifetime of loyal service, the system that corrupted the soul of my sister so she can only think of social advancement, the system that sentenced my mother to hard labor for a crime she didn’t commit, I don’t want that to take over these lands. I want something better here, and you seem to know what that better thing is. I want to help you.” He took a deep breath. “And…I have a new reason as of today. It’s the only way I can help…our children.” His voice cracked on the last two words. “Make their world, wherever they are in it, a better place, and hope they benefit from that.”
She stared at him, anxious and confused by his offer. “What if I still said no? What would you do?”
He frowned at the deck. “Work toward that goal another way. They need people with military knowledge here at Dor’s. I could do that. Help defend that wall.”
“You could die on that wall,” she said, knowing as the words left her how much that would hurt her. The emptiness inside her still had room for more pain.
He shook his head, his face working. “At the moment, that doesn’t seem that awful a thing.”
“Ian…” She sat back, closing her eyes. Could someone else help fill the void inside her? Did she want to let anyone fill that even a little? “Ian,” Jules said again, keeping her eyes closed because she couldn’t look at him, “if that’s how you truly feel, we can make room on the Sun Queen for you.”
“Such a generous offer.” She could feel Ian’s eyes on her before he spoke again. “Why me, Jules?” he demanded, his voice harsh. “Why did you choose me to be the father?”
She tried to shrug once more, but that almost made the blanket fall. “I thought you’d be good in bed.”
“Jules, don’t I deserve the truth from you?”
Not really a question, more of another demand, but that didn’t raise the resistance it usually would in her. Because he had a right to make this demand. She finally looked at him again. “I wanted the father of my children to be my choice. And I wanted them to be strong, and brave, and smart. That’s why I chose you. And I wanted you to live. That’s why I sailed away the next day, because having you close to me will kill you. I have enough on my conscience without adding your death to it.”
“So you do care for me.”
She shifted her look to a glare. “Were you listening? Where did I say that? Everything I said was selfish. Things I wanted. Why can’t you see that?”
“Different people see different things,” Ian said, his eyes on her.
“Stop sounding like a Mage.”
“I have no idea what sounding like a Mage means.” He stared into the distance. “What were they? A boy and a girl? Or…?”
“I don’t know,” Jules said. “I can’t know, or I might give it away to people watching me for clues as to who they are and where they are.”
“I see. You’re right.” His voice sounded dull, like someone trying to tamp down all feelings. Ian stood up abruptly. “If you’re going to let me join the crew, I should report to your first officer. Is it the big man who didn’t want to let me in here or the woman who insisted I be let in?”
“Either one.” Jules looked down at the table again, suddenly afraid of being alone in this cabin with only the memories of what had happened yesterday to keep her company. “Um…Ian…if you’d like to stay a little longer, we could talk.”
“We could?” His voice, his eyes, still held anger and remorse. “What could we talk about?”
“I don’t know. I…” Emotions overwhelmed her for a moment. “I have to…I’m the captain. I have to…” Jules gritted her teeth, trying to power through her grief and failing. Too soon. Too soon.
His eyes held worry, too, as Ian nodded and sat back down. “Maybe you could tell me about the people in the crew. Who they are and all.”
“Yes. I could do that.” Jules hesitated, something tight inside her blocking her throat for a moment. “Ian, it hurt so bad. I don’t mean my body. I mean…”
“I know what you mean. As it sinks in for me, it’s hurting, too. I think later it’s going to hurt a lot worse, once some of the numbness inside me wears off. At least we can hurt together.”
He’d also lost them. She reached out, grasping his near hand with her own. “Thanks.”
* * *
“No Mages in town,” Dor said to her, looking about the Sun Queen’s stern cabin curiously. “For a while we had three or four pretty constantly, but they left over a week before you got here this time.”
“Are you sure they left?” Jules said. She was wearing her usual clothing after having her midsection wrapped to hold it in until her body could recover more. To those who didn’t know, she didn’t look like a woman who’d recently given birth. Keli’s herbal drink had helped lift her spirits a little, and as Mak had reminded her in the dream, having others around had also helped her pull partway out of the pit of depression. “I didn’t see any Mages in Cape Astra before three tried to kill me.”
“We saw two of the Mages board a ship and leave. The other two…” Dor shook his head in amazement. “They went out into a field and suddenly there was a huge bird, and they both climbed on it and flew away. I admit I had trouble believing your crew when they told me about being attacked by Mages riding huge birds. Maybe I simply didn’t want to believe they could do that. But they can.”
“I wonder what’s up this time?” Jules muttered, looking east.
“Speaking of something being up, I heard Maeve was called to your ship a couple of days ago,” Dor said.
“She checked out one of the girls in the crew,” Jules said, having readied that lie and shared it with Maeve by a message sent with Liv. “The girl’d had too good a time ashore and it looked like she’d acquired an extra souvenir as a result. But it turned out to be a false alarm.”
“Ah. I’ll tell anyone who asks. You know how it is. A midwife coming out to your ship, people talk.”
“Do you see any babies in here?” Jules said, amazed inside that she could say those words without breaking down. But she’d sealed that away, an unhealed wound that no one but those closest to her could see or would ever see.
“No, of course not! Why did you want to see me?”
Jules looked east again. “The Mechanics guessed we’d have about a year before the Emperor realized how futile his efforts to catch me were, and how badly the Empire was rupturing citizens who were heading west to new settlements. They told me that nearly eight months ago.”
Dor nodded, his mood suddenly grim. “Leaving us maybe four more months to prepare.”
“Have you heard anything from any of the newest escapees?”
“Not about an attack, no. Pretty much the same news as for months. Tight security around Sandurin and Landfall, and whatever’s left sailing the sea in search of you. No one’s mentioned legions being gathered or extra ships being prepared to transport them.”
“Good. I’ve been doing what I can to get people in the new settlements to commit to sending aid here when the Empire comes knocking on Dor’s Castle,” Jules said. “How are your preparations?”
“Coming along,” Dor said. “Building a wall takes time. It should be done in two more months. Three at the outside. Funny thing about walls, isn’t it?”
“What’s that?”
“I’ve had plenty of time to think about it. You know, if
this wall was being built in the Empire, it’d be all about the Emperor. The reasons for building the wall wouldn’t even have to make sense. They’d do it because the Emperor said so. And if building the wall did make sense, it’d be about controlling people: keeping them in, keeping them out, forcing them to do what they’re told. But my wall isn’t to force people to do anything. It’s not to keep out refugees fleeing their old lives in search of a better future. It’s to defend them, and that better future, for all of us.” Dor scratched his head. “That’s funny, isn’t it? You could have two walls that might look the same, might be built the same, but serve totally different purposes.”
“Mak used to tell me that why something is done matters,” Jules said. “I think that’s why your wall will hold. It’s being built for the best of reasons, to help instead of hurt, to serve hope instead of fear. If the things we build take anything from us, I’m sure the wall will draw strength from that.”
“That’s good,” Dor said, a smile appearing on him. “Give me enough defenders, and we’ll hold it.”
“I’m going to do my best. Sun Queen will be leaving port tomorrow,” Jules added. “We’ll be going to the Sharr Isles to drop off some cargo and see what we can hear about events in the Empire.”
“It still surprises me that you’re willing to risk being that close to the Empire.”
“The Empire thinks I’m still engaging in frequent piracy,” Jules said. “I hear they’ve got decoy ships sailing around looking like rich, helpless merchants that are actually crammed with legionaries ready to nab me when I attack. But since the Sun Queen and I are engaged in other forms of commerce at the moment, those ships aren’t seeing any action.”
“What about other pirates?” Dor said. “Aren’t those decoys snaring other ships?”
“They got one before word got out,” Jules said. “Now all pirates are avoiding obvious targets and making money escorting ships full of refugees to the west, or carrying the refugees themselves.”
Dor smiled. “Meaning the Empire’s attempt to stop piracy has helped cause the numbers of its citizens escaping to increase dramatically. Good sailing. I’ll be looking forward to seeing you again.”