Klawde--Evil Alien Warlord Cat #1

by Johnny Marciano

  The cat blinked and swished his tail. He was so adorable and innocent, I’d do anything to keep him.

  CHAPTER 6

  The smallest ogre now appeared to be begging the long-furred ogre for some kind of mercy. I sensed that the long-furred one was the warlord of the fortress, while the small one was some kind of underling. The largest, baldest ogre was clearly lowly as well.

  I observed the Humans as they communicated in their barbaric tongue. They did have some fur, but it sprouted from their bodies in strange places, such as the tops of their heads and in lines above their eyes. Bizarre!

  Unsurprisingly, they were so disgusted by their own appearance that they had draped themselves in a kind of fur-substitute, held together with primitive buttons and zippers.

  I almost felt sorry for them.

  All of a sudden, the small ogre scooped me up in its arms and hurried down a passageway to its lair.

  “Put me down!” I commanded.

  But it did not obey. It held me so tightly I couldn’t get away. I watched in horror as its huge mouth came right at my head.

  It was going to EAT me!

  With all my strength, I tried to push the monster away, but I could not overpower it.

  The Human put its lips to my fur and made a loud smacking sound. And then—it let me go.

  What did this mean? Before I could even begin to ponder it, something even stranger happened: The ogre stretched out on a soft platform, covered itself with a large piece of cloth, and died.

  I pawed its chest cautiously, fearing this was some kind of trick. But there was no getting it back to life. In the next room, I found the other two Humans had perished similarly.

  Had their enemies poisoned them?

  I could hardly believe my luck! Now I had a large, well-equipped fortress all to myself. Once I located the Humans’ weapons and teleporter, I could make my way back to Lyttyrboks and reclaim what was rightfully mine.

  Purrr.

  First, however, I had to do something about the pitiful state of my fur. The foul falling liquid had made it damp and clumpy.

  But what could I do? Without a follicular exuviator, I would have to . . . to . . . lick myself! Like some sort of barbarian tree cat!

  It took all night. I was finally finishing when Earth’s puny, pale sun rose into the sky, and the strangest, most disturbing thing yet occurred.

  The Humans began to ARISE.

  They lumbered about with half-opened eyes.

  ZOMBIES! They were GIANT OGRE ZOMBIES!!

  I went to the front portal, but I couldn’t open it!

  I was trapped!

  As I madly searched for an escape route, the Humans one by one went into a small room where they removed their primitive coverings and stepped into a tall glass cage. Then they turned a knob, which caused that horrible clear liquid to come streaming down over their hideous bodies.

  Moments later, they came out, wearing new coverings and smiling.

  What kind of world was this?

  CHAPTER 7

  Sunday Morning.

  I woke up happier than I’d been in weeks. I had my own cat! I’d been asking for one ever since I was six, and it had finally happened.

  After breakfast, my mom said we needed to start unpacking, but my dad insisted we go out for cat supplies.

  “But almost everything we own is still in boxes!” Mom said.

  “Well, I unpacked my signed Derek Jeter baseball,” Dad said, pointing to where it sat on the mantel. “And that’s all I need to feel at home!”

  Mom sighed. “Fine,” she said. “You two go to PetBin. They do free vaccinations on weekends. Make sure that thing gets a rabies shot.”

  “You bet!” Dad said brightly.

  Getting my new cat into the carrier that my dad had borrowed was no picnic. It took both of us, and my dad got so scratched up that it looked like he might need medical attention.

  I tried to think of names for the cat while we drove, but it was hard to concentrate because Dad was blasting his eighties hair metal music.

  We’re not gonna take it!

  NO! We ain’t gonna take it!

  We’re not gonna take it ANYMOOOOORE!

  I really, really wished he wouldn’t sing along.

  At PetBin, Dad filled the cart with supplies. My cat—Bandit? Or Hermes? No, Loki!—seemed a little more relaxed now. He was purring.

  Or was he growling? It was hard to tell.

  The last thing we picked up was a collar with a name tag.

  “What would you like me to put on it?” the cashier asked when we went to get it engraved.

  I was still thinking Loki—or maybe Thor?—when my dad blurted out something that sounded like “Claude.”

  “Clod?” the cashier said.

  “No,” Dad said. “Klawde. K-L-A-W-D-E, like clawed, but spelled in a more exciting way!” He playfully pawed at the air. “Why use a C when you could use a K? K is the alphabet’s party letter!”

  Dad looked so pleased with himself that I didn’t have the heart to protest. I told myself that I had my cat, and that was all that really mattered.

  While the cashier was engraving the tag, we took Klawde over to where they were offering the free vaccinations.

  A young-looking vet opened the carrier door and bent down to see inside. Klawde’s purr-growl stopped.

  “Oh, look at him, he’s so . . .” The vet paused. “Interesting-looking.”

  Klawde was crouched down low and baring his fangs.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t give him a shot right now,” I said.

  “Oh no, it’s fine!” the vet said. “I work with animals every day, and I know how to handle them.”

  He reached into the cage and pulled Klawde out by the scruff of the neck.

  “See?” he said. “Easy peasy! Now we just take this needle and—”

  With a bloodcurdling yowl, Klawde flew at the vet’s face and latched on.

  The vet started screaming and flailing his arms around. I was yelling, “STOP! STOP!” and my dad was desperately trying to pull Klawde off.

  It wasn’t so easy peasy after all.

  CHAPTER 8

  Just when I thought I was safe, the Humans brought out the cage.

  I struggled valiantly, but together the two ogres overpowered me. After locking me inside, the small ogre carried me into their armored vehicle and we proceeded to leave the fortress.

  Had my enemies somehow made contact with them?

  Is my exile not enough for you, General Ffangg? Do you now intend to kill me?!

  At the end of a seemingly endless journey, they removed my cage from the vehicle. The landscape was the most awful and desolate I had ever seen.

  The building they took me into was some kind of prison. And inside were more cages—filled with other cats!

  The legends were true! Lyttyrboks’s criminal felines had survived their exile—and their descendants were right here!

  I tried calling to them. “Fellow cats! Comrades! What sort of evil place is this?”

  But the only word I heard back from them was “MROW!”

  MROW? Did Earth cats have their own language? What could this word mean? Beware? Turn back?

  Before I could make sense of it, the ogres began to wheel me around the room in a small vehicle made of metal bars. They filled this vehicle with many boxes and bags. It was hard to see out of the cage, but there appeared to be pictures of cats on the boxes.

  I could not understand what was happening.

  The next thing I knew, my cage was being lifted up. The door opened, and I shrank back. I would not let them leave me in this horrible place! But then a new Human reached inside the cage and grabbed me by the neck. He was lightning fast! Suddenly I was out in the open—exposed!—and being held down by its hideous five-fingered paw. T
hen it drew out a tiny spear and tried to stab me in the neck!

  I attacked!

  First, my claws ripped at its hands. Next, its face.

  Oh, how sweet the feeling! I left long red scratch marks all over its vile, furless cheeks. When I was but seconds away from murdering it, my Humans pulled me off.

  This was followed by much incomprehensible yelling as the bleeding Human chased my Humans out of its territory.

  CHAPTER 9

  Sunday Afternoon.

  My dad didn’t play any eighties music on the ride home from PetBin. He looked sort of grim.

  I kept sneaking glances at Klawde, safely back in his cat carrier. When dogs do something bad, they look guilty. Not Klawde.

  He was definitely purring now.

  Dad cleared his throat. “What happened at PetBin—”

  “You’re not going to make me give him away, are you?” I said. “Because I don’t have any friends here, and if I don’t get to keep Klawde, I’ll be all alone and miserable!”

  “Raj,” he said, “you are going to make friends. At Camp Eclipse.”

  “Don’t remind me,” I said.

  “But what I was going to say is that the vet took a gamble with Klawde today, and he lost. You did warn him.”

  “So I can keep Klawde?”

  My dad nodded. “But you and he had better be careful. If that animal scratches your mother—”

  “It’ll be the last thing he ever does,” I said.

  “Exactly.”

  I peered into Klawde’s cage. “Did you hear that, boy? You’ve got to be nice.”

  Klawde looked me right in the eyes and blinked. He almost seemed to understand what I was saying.

  And then he hacked up a giant hairball.

  CHAPTER 10

  Oh, the humiliations of exile! A hairball! I had to find an exuviating robot on this planet.

  Back at the fortress, the Humans released me from the cage and opened the items they had stolen from the Territory of the Bleeding Man. And then they placed them before me . . . like an offering.

  Did they realize I was their superior? Were they pledging their undying loyalty to me? This would be most excellent.

  I inspected their gifts.

  There was a small tower with rope wound around it. A sculpture, maybe?

  There were also several fluffy, fake animals that they tried to coax me into attacking and killing. Was this their idea of military training?

  These were disappointing offerings indeed.

  They next took out a box, poured some sort of sand into it, and attached a cover. They kept lifting me up and placing me inside. I had no idea what they wanted me to do in there. Dig? But why?

  Finally, there was the food—if you could even call it that. The only reason I knew they expected me to eat the pebble-like pellets was the way the big ogre kept pretending to put them into its mouth.

  Not that he was eating the pellets. No, the Humans had something altogether different to dine on.

  Strange smells—delicious smells—came from a pot that the long-furred Human was stirring. I spit out the pellets and jumped near the flaming metal box to sample this food, but the long-furred Human pushed me off.

  The gall! If only I had my molecular disintegrator, I would have vaporized it. Did this ogre have any idea what I did to the entire population of Poosikat?

  I again leaped to the firebox, and again was shoved off.

  We shall see about this.

  CHAPTER 11

  Monday Morning.

  MOUNT ECLIPSE WELCOME CABIN 500 FEET—the sign read.

  Even though we’d pulled into the parking lot, I was still desperately trying to get out of the whole nature camp thing.

  Mom refused to listen. “Look, Raj,” she said as we walked away from the car. “This camp is a wonderful opportunity for you to understand the natural world, learn important survival skills, and beef up your college applications.”

  “But I’m going into sixth grade!” I said. “And I thought the point of camp was to make friends.”

  “Oh, yes, of course. Friends.” Mom pointed at a group of kids who looked two years older than me. “How about them?” she said.

  As Mom signed me in to camp, I watched the kids stab at trees with pocketknives. I had no idea what they were doing, but they did not look friendly.

  When I turned back, my mom was already walking to our Prius. “Have fun!” she called, and drove away.

  Fun. Yeah, right.

  “Hi! What’s your forest name?”

  A girl had just materialized in front of me, like some kind of nature ninja. Her face was painted with mud.

  “My what?”

  The dried mud was cracking on her cheeks. It looked itchy.

  “At Camp Eclipse, everyone has a forest name. Mine is Cedar,” she said.

  Before I could say anything, I felt a big hand press down on my shoulder. I turned around to see a kid the size of a refrigerator looming over me.

  “I’m Wolf,” he said.

  “That’s a great forest name!” Cedar said.

  “That’s my real name,” the big guy said. “My forest name is Steve.”

  Cedar and I looked at each other. It seemed like a bad idea to correct him.

  “What’s your name?” Steve asked me.

  “I’m Raaaaa . . .” I started to say my real name, but that was wrong, so I thought fast and finished, “. . . aaat.”

  Rat? Did I just name myself Rat? Did they even have rats in nature?

  Steve grinned. “That’s cool.”

  “We’re going to learn so much in nature camp! You guys are going to love it!” Cedar cried. “I can’t wait until Survival Night!”

  Just as I was about to ask what Survival Night meant exactly, the sound of a strange hissing animal filled the air.

  Except it wasn’t an animal. It was a tall, skinny guy with a big, bushy beard. He was standing on top of a large stump and flapping his long arms.

  Cedar told us that this was the park ranger, who was also our camp counselor. “His forest name is Turkey Vulture.”

  “Why is he hissing?” I asked. “Is there something wrong with him?”

  “No. It’s the sound of a turkey vulture, duh! That’s how he calls us to the Speaking Stump,” Cedar said. “Follow me.”

  I looked at the counselor again. I didn’t care what Cedar said—there was definitely something wrong with him.

  CHAPTER 12

  With the Humans gone, I had the fortress to myself. It was time to locate their intergalactic teleporter and return to my planet to have my revenge!

  Finding it proved difficult, however.

  For one thing, the Humans put portals between their rooms for some reason. And like everything else on this barbaric planet, they were designed for opposable thumbs.

  Hiss! Why couldn’t they just use universal touch screens for everything like we did back home?

  I took a nap and considered what to do.

  Five minutes later, I was hungry.

  The food situation had thus far been intolerable. Worse even than the petrified pellets was the foul-smelling canned sludge they seemed to think was a treat for me.

  Their food they placed inside an enormous box that was divided into two compartments. Using all my strength, I managed to pull one compartment open.

  The food inside was frozen solid. But why?

  The second compartment, however, held items that were merely cold.

  I licked everything.

  Much of what the Humans considered food disgusted me. There was, however, a long yellow rectangle that was rather tasty, and an even more delicious white liquid inside a carton.

  I also found a box of twelve smooth brown ovals. I bit into one. It cracked open, and a yellow-orange glob suspended in a
thick clear goo oozed out.

  I ate it.

  It was DISGUSTING!

  I went and vomited into one of the ogres’ foot coverings.

  CHAPTER 13

  Monday Morning.

  The park ranger kept hissing and flapping until we’d all gathered around the big stump he was standing on.

  Then he smiled at us. Was it just me, or did he have a lot of teeth?

  “Welcome to Camp Eclipse, nature newbies. My name is Turkey Vulture, and I am your Survival Leader. Before we begin today’s activities, let us put on our deer ears!”

  I looked over at Cedar and the older kids, who were all cupping their hands behind their ears. I did the same, and the sounds around me—birds, wind, insects—got louder.

  “This is the sound of . . . nature!” Turkey Vulture said.

  It sounded pretty nice, actually. Not nearly as spooky as I’d expected.

  “Some fear that humans are destroying the planet, but Earth will be here long after we are gone. Nature is indestructible,” Turkey Vulture went on. “Humans, on the other hand, are not.”

  He paused dramatically.

  “However, if you learn to live with nature, there is hope for you. When you begin to understand nature’s secrets, you may be able to survive the future that is coming. The day when you can no longer just buy whatever you want, such as soda, skateboards, pants”—and here he looked straight at me—“or Americaman comic books, in a store.”

  I felt a chill up my spine. It was like he could see right into my soul!

  Then he smiled with all those teeth again. “The first step is to learn to navigate our way in nature,” Turkey Vulture went on. “Does anyone have an idea how we do this?”

  It seemed like everyone except me was raising their hands, but Turkey Vulture called on me anyway.

  I gulped. “Well, once my dad and I got off the highway at a rest stop that was really nature-y behind the parking lot. We went for a walk and got super lost, but we used Google Earth to find our way to an In-N-Out Burger.”