by Lynn Mann
‘It’s alright now, beautiful boy, you’re coming home with me and nobody’s ever going to hurt you again,’ said the female voice. Rowena’s voice was huskier than in her current lifetime, but even if I hadn’t recognised her from my own sense of her, I would have known her from how Oak thought of her.
She never asked anything of him in that lifetime; his body was too damaged from the harm done to him by his abusers. She looked after him and loved him dearly, and he learnt to trust her and to be happy. He recognised a soul with whom he would incarnate again, at a time when she would need another to love her and keep her safe. He would do for her as she had done for him and together they would do much for others.
I was Aware that Rowena now wept. I felt her understand the agreement that her soul had made with Oak’s to reincarnate together again. I witnessed her guilt that she hadn’t been willing to push herself past the fear that blocked her from being able to give everything of herself to Oak when she rode him – her fear that in giving her complete attention to being in the moment, able to respond instantly with whatever support he needed, she would give up her ability to hide the aspects of herself that she didn’t want anyone to see – resulting in it being another who helped him to achieve that for which he had been yearning.
I sent a wave of love to my friend, understanding how she felt but not allowing myself to become involved in emotions that were hers to feel. I felt Infinity’s approval and grinned just as I became Aware of Oak’s intention to slow to a walk. I closed my thighs and pulled back a fraction, just enough to show him that he needed to keep his forequarter lifted and sitting on his hindquarters as he slowed his pace. He barely needed me.
I marvelled at how easily he was adjusting to his new balance, and not just physically; when Fitt dropped to the ground a little way in front of us, Oak held himself aside from the instinctive fear that horses feel in the presence of a predator and sent his calm, warm energy towards her, just as Infinity had done during our previous two encounters with Fitt. I immediately radiated my light and allowed it to settle around the three of us as Oak and I approached her.
It was the first time I had seen Fitt up close and I noted that she was quite a bit smaller than the Kindred who had nearly killed Infinity the year before. Her human-like face was covered in fine, downy brown hair, the pupils of her green eyes were slitted like a cat’s and the fangs that jutted out from under her top lip almost seemed to clamp her mouth closed. The wiry fur through which her tough, leathery skin was visible, was dark brown and her powerfully muscled body stooped. The talons that protruded from her fingers and thumbs were menacing, and quickly I pushed away memories of Infinity’s and Flame’s injuries before they could take hold.
I was Aware that just as Oak had chosen to move away from his instinctive fear of a predator in order to send her his love and reassurance, Fitt had chosen to step aside from her instinct to see him as prey. She had been Aware of our approach and had experienced Oak’s achievement alongside us. She was fascinated by what she had witnessed and she was intrigued by Oak now as well as by Infinity, both because of how they behaved towards her and because of her Awareness of them as beings far surpassing her expectation.
I felt Fitt’s uncertainty at a decision she had made, but her resolve to stick to it nevertheless – she wanted to be friends. My heart leapt.
You’re hungry. I’ve brought you more food, I told her.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘In my hunger, I ate the fruit of a plant new to me and now my stomach is irritated.’ Her voice rasped in her throat as if she were having to strain to get each word out.
‘That’s why you need the mennawort. Here, I brought you some roots. We normally grind them down and then make a tea with them, sweetened with...’
‘…honey,’ Fitt finished for me and the tops of her mouth turned up into what I took to be as much of a grin as her fangs would allow. ‘So do we, but it’s a long time since I’ve had anything that sweet; I’m nearly as bad at gathering as I am at hunting, in fact it’s a wonder I’m still alive.’ She reached for the roots and then retracted her hand suddenly. ‘Your skin is so fragile and my talons are sharp. I don’t want to hurt you,’ she said, quietly. I felt an overwhelming sense of shame from her.
It was a shame that was hers by inheritance. My heart went out to her as I became Aware of her revulsion at her own body, a revulsion absorbed by her ancestors from the humans of The Old whenever they had looked at their creations – their genetically modified humans, their necessary abominations created for the enforcing of law and order – a revulsion that had been passed subconsciously from generation to generation.
‘You won’t hurt me. Here, take them from me,’ I said, holding my hand out to her.
Fitt looked at me, uncertainly.
I wasn’t revolted by her. I admired her courage in attempting to survive by herself and in trusting a human to help her. I appreciated her sensitivity and consideration towards the horses. I trusted her and I knew that she wouldn’t hurt me. I felt her take stock of my thoughts and knew that they reached her in a way that I never could have with spoken words. She reached out and tentatively closed her talons around the roots in my hand.
‘Thank you,’ she said, her gratitude for more than just the mennawort.
‘You’re welcome. I hope it eases your stomach enough for you to be able to eat. I’d have invited you back to our camp to eat with us, only a new horse has joined our herd and she has a lot of fear to overcome before she’ll be able to cope with anyone new.’
Fitt chewed on the mennawort roots. They were very bitter without honey to sweeten them, but she showed no sign of discomfort. ‘You call her Flame,’ she said, ‘and she is recovering from being hunted by one of my kind.’ Her eyes widened. ‘She killed him, but not before he injured her, terribly. He will have regretted that. We need to eat but we abhor suffering. My fear of causing suffering prevents me from committing to the hunt, that’s what my father always tells me. He hoped I might get past it when I...’ Fitt blinked and shook her head. ‘I speak too much.’
‘No, you don’t, not at all, you can tell me anything. I want to learn about you and about your kind and I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have about me and mine. Please, carry on?’
Fitt shook her head. ‘I’m not permitted to.’
I was Aware of the import of her words as well as of their spoken meaning. Fitt’s decision to trust and befriend me was hers alone. The Kindred Elder had commended her for making her decision but the Kindred race had enough fear and mistrust of humans that Fitt had been forbidden from sharing any information with me that wasn’t hers alone.
‘I understand,’ I said. ‘Your Elder knows I’m Aware, though. She knows that if I wanted to, I could know anything about you that I choose to, just as you can with me?’
‘She knows.’
‘But she also knows that I wouldn’t pry for information that you don’t want to share. I wouldn’t do that to you or to anyone else.’
‘She hopes that is the case. We all do.’ She closed her mouth suddenly and looked skyward.
I grinned. ‘We’ll change the subject before you say anything else you’re not supposed to. Here, I’ll show you the food I’ve brought for you, it should keep you going for a while.’
Several hours later, Oak and I made our way back to camp, leaving Fitt – who assured me that she was happy for me to call her that, since knowing her real name would tell me much about her kind that they didn’t yet trust me to know – eating contentedly, the mennawort having eased her stomach.
Oak was keen to experiment with his body and after a brief spell in walk and trot, he surged forward into an enormously powerful canter. I was amazed at how he adjusted to the change in gait and speed so easily, with only a slight amount of resistance needed from me in my seat and back, to help him maintain his balance.
Do not underestimate how valuable your own balance, strength and confidence are to him, Infinity’s thoughts wove their way int
o my mind. He will not find it so easy with a less accomplished rider.
I remembered that it had been some time before Infinity had found it as easy to balance as Oak was, as she had had to contend with me being inconsistent in my own balance. Will Rowena find it more difficult to ride him now that he’ll be striving for more? I asked her.
That will depend on her choices.
Oak’s canter ate up the distance back to camp and it seemed no time at all before we arrived back there. Oak was tired and sweaty, but his eyes shone and he radiated joy and power. A red-eyed Rowena flung her arms around his neck as I slid to the ground. I unsaddled him as she sobbed into his mane and then I gently disentangled her from his reins and took his bridle off. Oak moved off in the direction of the stream and Rowena walked beside him, her hand on his shoulder.
Marvel said, ‘flaming lanterns, Am, what’s going on? Sonja and I get back to find that you’ve taken Oak off with little explanation and Rowena’s hysterical, and then sinks into a weeping melancholy that’s far more frightening than her temper. None of the horses will tell us what’s going on but their lack of concern indicates it’s nothing too serious, so we go to make some lunch only to find that most of our food is gone. When you and Oak finally return, he looks amazing, Rowena starts crying again and Holly, Sonja and I are as much in the dark as ever. Did I leave anything out, or does that just about cover it?’ he asked Holly and Sonja.
Holly raised her hands and let them fall and Sonja shrugged.
I nudged Justin’s mind and once I knew that his attention was with me, I told my friends everything that had happened.
As they listened, all three of my friends’ jaws dropped in horror at the thought of someone helping their horses to achieve that which they had so far failed to help them to achieve.
I would have done the same thing in your place, Am, but I admire your courage – didn’t Rowena put one on you last time you offered unasked for help with Oak? Justin’s teasing was accompanied by a sense of support for me.
You know full well she did since you were the one who scraped me off of the floor, but as everything happens as it should, it’ll be interesting to see what happens now, I replied.
You think more and more like Infinity every day.
I’m just trying to keep myself centred, the same as you Jus, but as with everything else, I have to try harder than you do.
That’s just because you challenge yourself more than I do. I’m living in comfort, teaching students who think I’m wonderful, and I have Quinta and Feryl for support. You’re camping out whilst befriending one Kindred and allowing another free access to your mind, as well as helping an injured, terrified horse to heal, challenging those with you to the point that they probably hate you, and if that weren’t enough, you have to coach Aleks!
I sent love and gratitude to Justin as I wished for the millionth time that he were with me.
I’m just wondering whose horse I can run away with and help to achieve perfect balance in the hope that it might jolt their shocked and horrified Bond-Partner into finding their own, and then I can come after you, he thought to me.
Maybe the situation will present itself. Uh-oh, looks like Marvel is about to speak and judging by the look on his face, you’ll probably be able to hear him from where you are.
But Marvel simply said, ‘how could you Am?’ and then turned to follow Rowena and Oak.
‘Serene assures me that at some point, your behaviour will make sense, Amarilla,’ said Holly, ‘but until then, I think I need to be somewhere else.’ She picked up Serene’s grooming brushes and walked off towards the horses’ grazing area.
Sonja stood where she was. I was Aware that her empathy with Rowena warred with her delight at the prospect of a division between Rowena and me, one that might allow her to take Rowena’s place as the person in the group closest to me. ‘Why did you do it, Am?’ she asked me.
‘Why are you so upset that I did?’ I said.
Sonja flushed. ‘Because it wasn’t your place? Because Rowena wanted to be the one to help Oak to achieve perfect balance? Because you’ve robbed her of the opportunity?’
‘But what about what Oak wanted?’ I said, gently.
Sonja looked at me in confusion. ‘Are you saying he asked you to help him? He wanted you to help him, rather than Rowena?’ I felt her stab of fear that Bright might make the same choice.
‘Do you think he achieved what he did against his will?’ I said. ‘He didn’t ask me. He had no need to, any more than my hand needs asking to scratch my head.’
‘But your hand and your head are both parts of you... oh.’ Sonja looked searchingly into my eyes. ‘It’s about being one with everything, isn’t it? Is that what it’s like, being Aware? You just know what someone else wants and you respond to it without needing to be asked? Without conscious thought?’
‘At times, yes. I’m learning that too much thought allows my personality to get in the way of my soul. Not enough thought, and I just drift around on the tides of consciousness, which isn’t helpful either. It’s a balance and I think I’m slowly getting better at finding it.’
‘And that’s a good thing? Even though you’re upsetting people?’
‘Why did you ask to come with us on this trip, Sonja, honestly?’ I asked her.
‘Because I believe that trying to befriend the Kindred is the right thing to do and because I wanted to travel with you, so I could carry on learning from you. Bright and I didn’t want to interrupt our progress by changing instructors.’
‘Honestly,’ I repeated. I was Aware that Bright monitored our conversation. Sonja picked up a stick and threw it into the fire, causing sparks to shoot up into the air. She paced over to one of the seating logs and sat down. I lowered myself to sit on another log and waited. She got up and began to stalk away from the camp, before returning and sitting down beside me.
‘I wanted to come with you, because you’re the hub of everything. Oh, I know Justin and Quinta have achieved everything you have, but they wouldn’t have got that far without you. You’re important and... and...’
‘Say it, Sonja. You have to say it,’ I said.
Sonja put her face into her hands for a long time. Bright was with her in her mind, lending support by his gentle presence but giving her the space to sort through her feelings. Finally, she said, ‘you’re important and I want to be with you so that I’ll be important too. I hate that you speak to Justin in your mind. I hate that you and Rowena have been through so much together that you’re as close as you are. I want to be the friend closest to you, so that when people look at me, they will see someone who is worthy of notice. There, I said it.’ She turned to look at me, accusingly.
‘What people?’
‘Huh?’
‘Whose opinion is it that bothers you, as to whether or not you’re worthy of notice?’
‘Well, um there’s... well there’s... um...’ Sonja frowned. ‘There’s...’
‘Only one of us in the room, actually,’ I finished for her. ‘We’re all one. You’ve convinced yourself that you need others to look at you as if you have worth when in fact those others are you. It’s your opinion of yourself, your lack of self-worth, that holds you back. You don’t push yourself and Bright the little bit further that you need to in order to reach perfect balance, because you don’t believe that you’re good enough and you’re terrified that all you’ll do is prove it to yourself. You think you’ll prove that you have no worth other than what you can persuade others to award you, even though those others are, in fact, you.’
Sonja stared into my eyes as if to try to find the lie in my words. Bright reminded her of the times that she had visited the subject with him and her expression softened as she put my words together with his counsel and realised that the answer to her torment was always the same.
‘I understand what you’re saying, but it doesn’t change how I feel,’ she said. ‘I still feel a draw to be around you, to feel good about myself by being your friend and
part of everything that’s happening. Bright says it’s impossible for me to be unworthy, because I’m part of All That Is. But I’m here, in my own head, as always. It isn’t as lonely as it used to be now that I have Bright, but I still just feel like... little, insignificant me.’
‘So, you need to take a risk. You need to get your saddle and bridle, go and tack up your beautiful boy, and you need to push yourself. You need to put your fears to one side and focus on Bright, only on him and what his body needs from yours, so that you can respond in every millisecond exactly as he needs you to, as you’re very well capable of doing by now. You need to move past your belief that you’re not good enough, that you have no worth and you need to ride Bright to a place where you will know all you need to know for yourself. Come on, it’s time.’
‘I c...can’t,’ Sonja said, her voice tight with fear. I looked at her and felt with her Bright’s calm confidence that this was the right time and that she would find her courage. She breathed out, deeply. ‘But I have to. Will you come with me? Will you help?’ Sonja said standing up, trembling.
‘Fin and I will be with you and Bright every step of the way.’
Holly was still grooming Serene when Sonja and I arrived at the horses’ grazing area. Flame and Infinity were grazing side by side and I was pleased to see that Flame merely raised her head, still chewing, to watch my approach. She flinched when I flung my saddle onto Infinity’s back, but then she reached out to sniff it, gingerly, before snorting and walking away.
Infinity’s eagerness for what was about to come matched my own and as soon as I was on board, she cantered powerfully over to where Sonja was saddling Bright with trembling hands. There was a thunder of hooves and Flame skidded to a halt behind us. I held the intention in my mind that Infinity and I would work alongside Bright and Sonja within the confines of the grazing area. I felt Flame’s anxiety subside and she dropped her head down to graze.
‘Ready?’ I asked Sonja, who had just mounted Bright.
