by Lynn Mann
She nodded. ‘I think so.’
‘You have to know so. Tell me when you know you’re ready,’ I said, firmly.
Sonja breathed deeply for a while as she and Bright shared thoughts and then she said, ‘I’m ready. I’m going to do this. With your help, Bright and I are going to do this.’
‘Right then, we’ll move forward into walk. I’m going to push you whenever I can feel you backing off. Okay?’
‘Okay.’
Sonja squeezed Bright’s sides with her lower legs, and as he easily lifted his forequarter, she closed her thighs slightly, ready to pull back if she felt him overbalancing forwards. Then she nudged with her heels to ask him to step under more with his hind legs, which he did willingly. He was slightly crooked, so Sonja pushed against him with her right leg, supporting him with her left rein as he straightened through his body. I felt her hesitate. Bright’s balance was a lot better, but it was a level of balance they had reached hundreds of times before and they both felt comfortable there.
‘Ask more, Sonja,’ I said as Infinity, bridleless, stepped alongside Bright. The difference in the amount of lift she was achieving compared with that of Bright was obvious, as was the level of engagement of her hindquarters as we powered past them both.
I felt a new determination welling up in Sonja, so Infinity and I circled away to give her and Bright more space. Within minutes, they had achieved a higher level of balance, exceeding their previous best.
Infinity and I moved alongside them again. ‘Ask even more, Sonja,’ I said, ‘and keep asking until Bright is matching Infinity. We’ll keep circling away and then coming alongside you and each time, Bright needs to be more lifted and more engaged than the last time. Sit into your pelvis a little more, check your shoulders are down and back, and keep your chest lifted. As he generates more power, he’ll need to feel that you’re completely stable so that he has confidence you can support him if he starts to feel unstable. As his balance improves, he’ll feel vulnerable because his body will be arranged in a way that’s unfamiliar to him. You need to have absolute concentration on what’s happening to him so that you can step in and support him where he needs it. Absolute concentration, okay?’
I was pleased that Sonja was unwilling to break her focus by speaking and merely nodded. As Infinity and I circled away again, I felt Flame’s interest in what was happening with Bright. She had moved to stand near Serene and both horses, and Holly, stood watching.
By the time Infinity and I rejoined Bright and Sonja, they were nearly there but Sonja’s worry that she wasn’t good enough had crept its way through her concentration and was beginning to take hold. Tears ran down her face. Bright was slightly crooked again and he was hesitating about stepping underneath himself with his hind legs as much as he needed to.
‘Sonja, focus on Bright. You saw him as a blinding white light when he revealed his essence to you, back when you bonded. You saw All That Is in him because that’s who he is and because you have the potential to remember that it’s also who you are. Focus and reach for it. Come on, push yourself, push Bright and you’ll remember who you are. Push on Sonja, that’s it...’
All of a sudden, Bright was straight, lifted and his stride and power matched Infinity’s. A look of wonder stole across Sonja’s tear-streaked face.
‘Trot?’ I said and Bright stepped up into a majestic trot alongside Infinity. ‘Keep your focus now, Sonja, whatever happens, keep your focus. Be there for him as he’s always been for you,’ I said and then Infinity and I peeled away from them.
Just as Infinity and I reached Flame’s side, the weight of Bright’s past came to the surface for release and he let out a roar.
Ten
Vortex
Infinity and I took ourselves away from camp for the afternoon, with Flame in tow. I knew that my friends could do with some time to process the events of the morning without me around, and having had to abandon my plan to try to work with Flame that morning, I decided that going for a gentle wander was an acceptable alternative; the extra movement would help her to get used to how her body felt after all the healing she had undergone.
Flame followed Infinity and me as we explored. She stopped occasionally to snatch at grass, tree leaves or herbs before thundering up behind us in a panic to catch up. Several times, Infinity turned her head back to Flame, her ears flat back and her nostrils wrinkled, warning her that she was too close to Infinity’s hindquarters. On one such occasion, Infinity bucked and threatened to kick out. Flame grunted and flung herself to one side and Infinity squealed to drive her point home. I had to smile – Infinity may regard human social conventions as an irrelevance but she would not tolerate any breaches of the equine code of conduct.
When we came across a grassy glade, I dismounted and removed Infinity’s saddle, and then sat down to lean against a huge tree root whilst Infinity and Flame grazed. Flame was comforted by the warmth of the sun’s rays and reassured by Infinity’s and my confirmation of her own feeling that there was nothing nearby that need disturb us. I was pleased to note that her constant state of high alertness decreased slightly. She gradually grazed further away from Infinity and nearer and nearer to where I was sitting. She snuffled around my boots, sniffed her way up to my knee where my hands rested and then nuzzled my fingers briefly, before dropping her head back down to graze. My heart melted. As I watched her slowly graze her way around the glade, there was a definite sense of rightness about her being with Infinity and me.
I spent the next hour or so revelling in the feeling of peace that comes from watching horses graze. Then I dozed for a while, lulled by the sound of their munching and by the warmth of the sun on my face. When I opened my eyes, Infinity grazed at my feet while Flame attempted to doze nearby. I took in every detail of the two mares. As the sunlight bounced off of Infinity’s shiny white fur, seeming to create a white nimbus around her that was almost too dazzling to look at, she radiated strength, intelligence, confidence and love. There was no mistaking that she was a being of immense power. Flame, on the other hand, was underweight and her coat was still dull and staring. Although I was Aware of her warmth, courage and determination, her character was dampened by the fear that seeped noxiously through her body from where it was concentrated in her pelvis and stifle. It weakened her in both body and mind. Her eyes would close for a few minutes and then open suddenly as her whole body jerked, ready to flee from whatever foe was sure to have sneaked closer.
I radiated a small amount of light and allowed it to settle around Flame, with the intention of increasing it if she wanted me to. I felt Flame’s immediate acceptance of my energy. I steadily increased the flow of light to her and she allowed it to permeate throughout her being. I noticed, but gave no attention to, the fear that shrank away from my light, recoiling back to its places of refuge in the pelvis and stifle. I concentrated instead on the peace that replaced it and on Flame’s courage and resolution to complete the task that she had undertaken when incarnating into her beautiful, chestnut body. She would do it and Infinity and I, and all of our friends, would help her. Flame sank into a peaceful doze. I kept my flow of light steady, ensuring that the nutrition she had taken into her body was available to be used in building it back up, rather than being directed by her fear towards maintaining her ever-ready flight response.
As the light began to fade, the mares and I left the glade. I became Aware of Aleks struggling to drag a litter which he’d loaded almost as heavily as Nexus’s, whilst trying to make camp before nightfall. He could have had a comfortable bed for the night and returned to camp tomorrow, and he could have brought a smaller load, but I could feel his need to make amends for his behaviour regarding Flame. The mares and I intercepted him and Nexus, and Infinity took Aleks’s load after I managed to persuade him that punishing himself wasn’t necessary. I filled him in on the events of the day.
Aleks whistled. ‘Well at least I’m no longer the most unpopular person in the group,’ he said with a grin.
‘I think you’ll f
ind yourself the most popular member of the group, once we get back to camp with this lot,’ I replied.
‘If I’d known you were going to give so much food to Fitt, I’d have brought more,’ Aleks said. ‘Well done, by the way, for making friends with her and everything, that must have taken real guts.’
‘No, not at all. She’s not dangerous, none of them are. They’re just trying to survive.’
‘By eating horses and attacking humans in the process.’
‘By hunting their prey, just as any other predator does, including us,’ I said. ‘And don’t forget that the Kindred are also Aware. Fitt’s intrigued by our horses, she knows they’re important to what we’re trying to do and they’re in no danger from her, so please stop worrying about Nexus’s safety.’
‘I’m sorry. I panic because I know I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to Nexus as a result of me knowingly taking her into danger. I want to help with this mission, we both do, but I can’t seem to find a way to be calm about it.’
‘If Sonja’s got anything to do with it, you soon will, she’s going to be after you to follow in her and Bright’s footsteps after what they achieved today, so I’d get a good night’s sleep tonight, if I were you,’ I said with a grin.
Aleks chuckled. ‘And what about you? What will you do about Rowena?’
‘I’ll just give her space to sort through her feelings and make her choices in her own time. We’re almost there, I can smell the campfire. Are you ready for a hero’s welcome?’
We arrived at camp to find everyone sitting around the campfire, sipping tea.
‘Aleks!’ Sonja cried and flung her arms around him, ‘I’ve never been so pleased to see anyone, we thought we were going to go to bed hungry tonight. Oh Am, there you are, we were worried about you. Aleks, has she told you about Bright and me? You have to try harder, Aleks and I’m going to make sure you do. Bright and I have more work to do until we’re established in our new balance, but I know what to do and I know what you have to do, too, so as soon as I’ve ridden in the morning, I’ll help you, that is unless you’d rather carry on working with Amarilla? I guess that would make sense...’
‘Errr Sonja, that’s great and I’m really happy for you and everything, but we need to unload the litters and get dinner organised,’ Aleks said, disentangling himself from her, ‘and Amarilla and I need to see to our horses.’
‘It’s fine, Aleks, I’ll take all three down to the stream for water and a rub down. You’re needed here to unload the litters and Sonja has so much to tell you while you do it,’ I said with a wink.
‘Thanks a lot, wicked girl,’ he whispered as he gave Nexus a rub on her neck before she left with me.
‘I’ll come and help you with the horses, Am,’ Rowena said quietly out of the darkness, ‘and we’ll expect dinner to be cooked and waiting for us when we get back,’ she said to the others in her normal, commanding tone.
Infinity and I led the way down the narrow path to the stream, between huge boulders that looked as if they’d been stacked either side on purpose, rather than pushed there by the force of frozen water, years past. Flame was close on Infinity’s heels and Nexus and Rowena brought up the rear.
I was Aware of Flame’s weariness. Soon, she would be able to rest in the safety of the herd. Her herd, where they would each take a turn at watch, while the others rested in peace. And if any danger arose, we would all protect her. She would be safe. I felt Flame recoil from my thoughts. I heard her footfalls, uneven due to her lameness, cease and as I turned to her in the moonlight, she looked away from me.
You should not pledge that which you are not certain of being able to provide, Infinity rebuked me.
I understood and was confused at the same time; my thoughts and feelings had been genuine, and yet somehow, I had managed to lie to Flame.
Humans require reassurance to such an extent that they are reassured by reassurance itself. Bonded horses accept this but Flame merely knows that you offer something to her of which you cannot be sure and her trust in you is shaken, Infinity told me.
I get it. My intention of protecting Flame is genuine, but I can’t possibly know that I’ll be able to keep her safe. I suppose we humans lie to each other quite often in the name of well-intentioned reassurance.
Being untruthful is neither good nor bad. It is merely unhelpful when the recipient of your attempted reassurance knows the truth and is confused by your attempt to subvert it.
Okay, I understand, I’ll watch myself more carefully.
I pictured the herd grazing peacefully through the night, taking turns at watch – something I could be sure of. I felt Flame’s acceptance of the truth and she began to walk behind Infinity and me again. I wondered how many other times I’d offered well-intentioned advice or reassurance which if I’d thought about it, I would have known to be untrue.
When we reached the stream, the horses spread out along its length and drank, thirstily. I began rubbing Infinity down where her saddle had been and saw Rowena doing the same for Nexus. When the horses had drunk their fill, they began to graze along the banks of the stream.
I finished rubbing Infinity down and moved towards Flame. I radiated a small amount of light to settle gently around her as I approached and then stroked her shoulder gently with the back of my hand, working up to her face. She didn’t flinch or try to move away, but she stood rigidly, concentrating on my touch whilst deciding how she felt about it.
‘I’m just going to rub you all over with my hands, just as I’ve done for Fin. You’re a beautiful girl, you’re putting on a bit of weight and your coat will shine soon. It’ll gleam if you’ll let me groom you with brushes, but I’m just using my hands for now, that’s my brave, beautiful girl.’ I spoke quietly as my hands worked their way around her eyes and ears, back down her neck to her torso and then on to her hindquarters.
I tuned into her body as I worked and anywhere that I could feel that her muscles were tight, I hummed, my voice resonating with the tired muscles and creating a pathway down which I sent my intention for the muscles to relax. All of them responded, apart from those around the pelvis and stifle. Flame breathed in deeply and then let out a long, relaxed sigh.
‘It all comes so naturally to you now, doesn’t it,’ said Rowena.
‘What does?’ I asked, stepping back from Flame.
‘Being you. You used to be so unsure of yourself, so eager to please, so apologetic at the slightest hint of discomfort from someone else, and now, you’re just you. When you talk, it’s impossible not to listen because your words ring with truth. You know what everyone needs without them asking, without them knowing they need it half the time and you give it to them, not because you’re a people-pleaser like you were, but because it’s just what you do. Your light isn’t just your light, it’s you. It’s not even as if you just performed tissue-healing just then, you were just being you. Everything is just an extension of you as well as being a part of you.’
‘You’re Aware! Thunder and lightning Ro, you’re Aware!’ I launched myself at her, and she hugged me back, laughing.
‘I thought you’d know straight away but you’ve been distracted, having Flame with you, so I got to spring it on you! It was worth everything I’ve been through today, just for that!’
Her recent experiences came to the forefront of her thoughts and I witnessed them, instantly. I saw her accompany Oak down to the stream after he had returned to camp with me. She was furious with me; it was she who was bonded to Oak, she with whom he had chosen to share his life, not me, and it was her role to help him achieve perfect balance, whilst she found hers alongside him. I had taken the opportunity to do that away from her. Oak offered her no counsel. Rowena could feel his elation as if it were her own and soon found her anger at me warring with her delight that her horse could balance his body with such perfection that he could experience the full power of who he was with no lingering memories or fears to hold him back. She saw the choice in front of her �
� whether to feel love for her horse, or anger at me. She remembered that she and Oak had agreed to incarnate together again so that he could provide a sanctuary for her as she had once done for him. Love flooded through her body until there was no room for any other emotion.
She revelled in his achievement with him, but realised that every time she rode him now, she would compromise him. For her to be able to ride Oak in the way that I had, she knew that she needed to sit into her pelvis more and lift her chest to a higher degree than her fears and insecurities had so far allowed her to; she had never before lifted her chest enough for her to be completely stable, because if she did, all of the hurt and rejection she carried there would come to the fore. She would have to feel it all over again and she would have to admit that the part of her life from whence it came had existed and was part of who she was. To acknowledge it might even change who she was now – she might not feel as confident and capable if she allowed the unloved, unwanted little girl she had been to again be part of her. Her fear of that happening prevented her from sitting deeply enough into her pelvis to be grounded and strong.
But now, she was overwhelmed by her love for her horse, a love that had existed in their previous life together, had existed all the while they were discarnate and existed now that they were incarnate together in this lifetime. It would always exist, she knew that now, and she could feel its power.
Marvel reached Oak and Rowena at the stream just in time to give Rowena a leg up on to Oak’s bare back. Oak was tired but he knew that Rowena wouldn’t need to ride him for long.
She didn’t. She no longer cared about who she was in the eyes of anyone else; it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered other than the love she shared with her horse. In the absence of any fear, of anything other than love, she made the adjustments to her body’s position that allowed her to be the rider he needed her to be. She heard Marvel’s cheering as she and her horse blurred into one being. Oak cleared the last remaining shreds of negative emotion from within his body as Rowena cleared all of hers. She knew of her oneness with All That Is. She was Aware.
