by Lynn Mann
‘Because it will be helpful for you to know, and yes of course,’ said Marvel. ‘Don’t fret it, Aleks.’
‘Don’t fret it? If I could manage not to fret it, I wouldn’t need to be here,’ Aleks said as he and Marvel walked back towards our camp.
‘We’re not short of situations?’ Rowena said to me with a grin. ‘I take it you’re referring to the “challenge” that’s waiting for us on the horizon?’
I felt her restrain herself from searching my mind for the information that I hadn’t chosen to share with her, or with any of my friends except Justin. I grinned as I replied, ‘there are no flies on you. Thanks for trusting me. I haven’t told you more about it because we’ll all know what to do when the time comes, so it’s better to just let it happen than to be distracted by it now.’
Rowena nodded. ‘And you know about it in advance how, exactly? From the Kindred Elder?’
‘Nope, from knowing that time is non-linear,’ I said.
‘And what, in the name of summer, is that supposed to mean?’ Rowena demanded.
‘I’ll let Oak help you with that, good luck with it,’ I said, laughing.
We were just clearing up after lunch when Fitt rode Flame into camp. The sight of a Kindred riding a horse was enough by itself to give us pause, but the way Fitt sat, leaning backwards whilst gripping with her legs, made it an even more peculiar sight.
Aleks dropped his head into his hands.
‘It won’t mean she’s not there just because you can’t see her,’ Sonja whispered to him as we all got up to greet our friends. ‘Come on, it’s time for you to meet the newest member of the Horse-Bonded.’
Flame was tired, yet looked magnificent. Her white socks and blaze stood out in dazzling contrast to her deep orange coat, which gleamed in the sun. Her ears were pricked with interest and her eyes sparkled. She radiated the truth of herself; she was strong, intelligent, determined and... whole. She had cleared that which had broken her, and now she, along with her Bond-Partner, had work to do.
Fitt was exhausted and as she dropped to the ground from Flame’s back, her legs gave way. Powerful as they were, she had pushed them beyond their endurance in using them to cling to Flame to prevent overbalancing backwards as she leant back in her efforts to keep her weight off of Flame’s forequarter. I felt her determination not to compromise her horse any more than she could avoid whilst she was learning to ride and my heart went out to her. I remembered only too well when I had had the same concerns whilst learning to ride Infinity.
I crouched down beside her and hugged her. ‘You need food and rest, and then we’ll help you,’ I told her. ‘Welcome to our group, Fitt.’
She leaned against me slightly and I had to brace my legs against the ground to prevent being pushed over by her weight. ‘I do need rest, but I won’t get it until I understand what you meant when you said that I’m using my breeding as an excuse for my posture,’ she said in her strained, husky voice.
‘You really should rest first,’ I said, but she shook her head, furiously. I sighed. ‘Okay, but it will be easiest if I show you, and your Elder is still between us.’
Fitt frowned, thoughtfully. ‘She thinks she does what is best and she is my Elder, but I left my family to find out if I could make my own decisions and I have discovered that I can. I decided to trust you and as a result, I have found Flame. Someone has to take a risk, or we’ll never move forward. I will defy my Elder,’ she said simply but definitely. And then I could feel her in my mind.
How did you do that? How did you remove the block? I asked her.
It was no block, it was a suggestion of one that you believed and that I chose to respect, Fitt replied. Now, I choose to ignore it and so it is rendered ineffective.
The Elder’s fury hit both of us. I felt Fitt reel from her Elder’s disapproval and for a moment, I felt doubt. Would I be putting everything at risk by defying the Elder and attempting to help Fitt?
Your centre... Infinity’s thought was so subtle that only one who shared her being as did I would notice it. It was enough. I regained my centre and knew the Elder’s anger for what it really was – fear, pure and simple. She was learned and wise but at that moment, her actions were being ruled by her fear that Fitt and I would open a wound that we couldn’t heal, leaving the Kindred in a worse situation than that in which they found themselves presently. But I also knew that as soon as Fitt and I had met, a wheel had been set in motion and as time went on and our friendship progressed, it was getting less and less likely that it could be halted.
‘Fitt, I can show you something that will help you to understand why you have the posture that you do, if you’re ready?’ I said out loud so that my friends would all know what we were about.
I felt Fitt steel herself and step aside from her Elder’s anger. ‘I am ready,’ she said.
I took Fitt back with me to when I was experiencing pain in my chest. At first, I had thought I had indigestion, but when I realised that my pain was emanating from my heart, I could find no physical cause for it and neither could Adam or Thuma, an experienced Tissue-Singer. Thuma told me that my heart was being prohibited from working at full capacity due to being weighed down by the huge amount of emotional pain that I was carrying. Only by addressing the issue that caused my emotional pain could I clear it and allow my heart to function without restriction.
Fitt mulled over what she had witnessed. You think I am hunched because I carry emotional pain that weighs down on me? But what about the rest of my kind? she asked me.
Is there something that weighs down on you all? That has always weighed down on you all?
Not that I can think of.
Infinity and I thought as one. Then do not think. Be Aware.
Fitt knew immediately to what we referred; the collective consciousness of the Kindred. It was the sum total of all of their thoughts, all of their experiences, all of their history. It held all of the answers to all of the questions. As a human, I wouldn’t have dreamt of searching it without being invited by the Kindred Elder, but Fitt was under no such restriction. It was a part of her as much as she was a part of it and she immersed herself in it. She hadn’t paused for food or water and I could feel how desperately her body needed both, but her mind needed information more.
We piled our bedding behind her and guided her to lean back and rest, which she did without argument or even notice. Sometimes, she shut her eyes tightly, other times she opened them and stared at nothing or flicked them between sights that we couldn’t see. A few times, she shed tears, which slid over one downy hair after another as they streaked her face.
Flame stayed by Fitt’s side throughout, sending gentle waves of love and support to her Bond-Partner as she searched for the knowledge that she needed. I sat on the ground by Fitt’s feet and Infinity grazed close by.
When I ate my dinner, Fitt’s flat nose twitched and she licked her lips to clear the saliva that moistened them and ran down her fangs, but other than that, she didn’t move a muscle. She had gone somewhere and she would not return until she knew all that she needed to know.
Just as the sun was setting, her eyes flashed as she saw through them again and then she gasped and sat up. She looked all around her in apparent confusion and disbelief and I was Aware of her desperately trying to fit in what she had learnt with what she had known before. Flame immediately flooded her with love and understanding.
‘Fitt, breathe,’ I said, quietly. ‘Slowly and deeply. Like this... that’s a bit better.’
‘She knows,’ Fitt wheezed.
That made sense. ‘Okay, the Elder knows and presumably she thought that you wouldn’t cope with knowing. Was she right?’ I said.
Fitt shook her head. ‘No. Yes. No, well I knew some of it anyway, without realising I knew, but all of it... I can see why she won’t let herself trust you.’
‘Has it stopped you from trusting me?’ I asked her.
‘No, but I’m glad I trusted you before I learnt all of this.’
‘And you can feel how it affects you?’ I said.
Fitt nodded. ‘I can feel the weight that presses down on my shoulders now. It’s always been there, so I never thought about it, never even noticed it, but now I want it gone. I want to be able to stand up straight, to sit up straight on Flame, to open and lift my chest so that I can be stable for her. For us both.’
‘Do you know how to clear whatever it is that weighs on you?’
‘Flame does,’ said Fitt. ‘She thinks I need to find a way to forgive you.’
Nineteen
Forgiveness
Me? Forgive me?’ I said, aghast, and then, ‘oh I see, us humans.’
‘Am?’ Aleks called from where he and the rest of our group sat around the campfire.
There was a lot of shushing and whispering as my friends sought to prevent him from interrupting further.
‘I will be the first of the Kindred to forgive your kind,’ said Fitt. ‘I will set a trail for the rest of the Kindred to follow within our collective consciousness, and when they do, it will set them free.
‘And can you find a way to forgive what it is that you must forgive?’ I asked.
‘Flame is already helping me to understand what forgiveness is, in truth. Ahh, I see the error that most of us make.’
I was Aware that Flame and Fitt communicated in the way that they had when their minds first touched – huge amounts of information were being transferred back and forth in mere seconds. Fitt was totally consumed by what she was learning. I left them to it, rising stiffly from where I had held my vigil and then stretching before joining my friends at the campfire.
‘How are they doing that?’ Sonja asked. ‘It’s incredible, it’s as if their minds are communicating at the speed of light!’
‘I think the fact that Fitt’s always been Aware means that her mind can accept more than ours,’ I said. ‘Our horses learnt to communicate with us in ways our minds could cope with but Flame hasn’t needed to do that with Fitt, she just turns her attention to something and Fitt immediately knows it.’
‘And she’s learning about forgiveness,’ Sonja said, thoughtfully.
Aleks said. ‘Well we can tell her what that is.’
‘I think it’s far more likely that we’re about to learn it isn’t what we thought it was,’ said Marvel. ‘Brace yourself, Aleks, Fitt’s coming over.’
As Fitt stepped out of the twilight and into the glowing light of our campfire, all of us gasped. Fitt was standing straighter! I leapt to my feet and stood in front of her. She was definitely taller than she had been before.
‘Fitt! You’re already less hunched, you’re doing it!’ I said.
She nodded. ‘I am learning forgiveness. I can show you its energy, if you would like to learn?’
I looked around at my friends. All of them were nodding except Aleks, who sat in the foetal position, his forehead resting on his knees. His arms were wrapped tightly around his legs as he rocked from side to side.
‘Aleks?’ I said.
He shook his head from side to side, without looking up. ‘I can’t do it,’ he said. ‘This is it, isn’t it? This is my worst nightmare happening for real. I can’t cope, I can’t do this.’
I looked apologetically at Fitt, who merely smiled back at me and then sat down. I will wait, she told me.
As Sonja handed Fitt a full bowl of rabbit stew, I went to sit next to Aleks. ‘Aleks, this isn’t your worst nightmare, in fact, it’s not even close,’ I said, gently.
Aleks jerked his head up. ‘WHAT?’
‘Where’s Nexus?’ I said.
‘She’s grazing over there.’
‘She’s content?’
He raked his fingers through his hair. ‘Yes.’
‘So, then all this is, is a group of friends sitting together around a campfire. You’re close enough to Fitt to pick up information about her, just like you all did the first few times we met her, before anyone except me was Aware. Let yourself know her, Aleks.’
I felt Nexus add her support to my suggestion and Aleks flicked his eyes to Fitt and then quickly away again. We all sat in silence. Aleks breathed his fear in and out in short, sharp pants, which gradually became softer. We waited. Eventually, he said, in a cracked voice, ‘Fitt, I know you mean no harm. I’m sorry for... the way I am.’
‘I forgive you.’
Fitt spoke three words that had always held a certain meaning for me – an entirely different one from that which she gave them. Rather than using them to tell of her choice to put aside a wrong done to her, she used them to dismiss the idea that any wrong had existed. She had grasped, in full, the meaning of the concept that everything happens as it should.
‘Forgiveness means knowing that there is nothing to forgive,’ I whispered.
‘It is so. I will need to apply my new understanding to every aspect of the resentment and shame that is carried within the collective consciousness of the Kindred, in order to clear it from my own shoulders and set an example for the rest of my kind. When I have done it, I will stand tall,’ rasped Fitt.
‘Is there anything I can do to help you?’ I asked her.
‘Everything your ancestors did that led to the Kindred carrying the emotional weight that disfigures them will be remembered by me and forgiven. Some of it will not be easy to forgive, but it must be so and I would have you by my side as I do it,’ Fitt said.
I was Aware that she didn’t just mean physically. She wanted me to relive her memories with her as she forgave everything that weighed her down. I could see the sense; I would be the focal point for her forgiveness. If she could forgive the actions of humans while a human rode her memories with her, then she could be sure that her forgiveness was complete and absolute. There was one glaring obstacle, though.
‘Your Elder will be furious, Fitt,’ I said. ‘I’ve been careful not to overstep the boundary that she’s needed in place in order to be in contact with me and this won’t just be overstepping it, it will be smashing it to smithereens.’
‘She is already furious, but where her anger is fuelled by fear for our kind, my request to you is fuelled by love for them,’ Fitt replied. ‘I would be the catalyst to my kind that you have been to yours in bringing about change. You could not have done all that you have without Infinity and your friends. I cannot do all that I must without Flame and my friends. You are my friend and I am asking for your help.’
Loathe as I was to alienate the Elder, my choice was clear. ‘I’ll be by your side as you forgive,’ I said. ‘When do you want to begin?’
Fitt lowered her empty bowl to the ground. ‘It cannot wait and I doubt that either you or I would be able to sleep even if it could. Are you happy to start now?’
‘I am,’ I said.
Immediately, Rowena leapt to her feet and I heard her organising the others to bring blankets for us as Fitt’s mind gently entwined itself through mine and then drew it into the collective consciousness of the Kindred.
There were incubators. Hundreds of them, each containing a small, hairy baby with fangs, tiny talons and eyes with slitted pupils. The babies were strangely quiet as they lay staring at the ceiling, blinking only occasionally. Thick needles pierced their leathery skin, attaching them to tubes containing various coloured fluids. One of the babies had blood dried in a streak down his hairy face.
Two humans with clipboards entered the nursery. They selected a baby and then took her into a brightly-lit room with a metal table upon which were various metal implements. She gave a husky whimper as a mask was placed over her face, until her eyes closed. I wanted to look away as her scalp was sliced open and her skull was punctured with well-practised precision, but my mind witnessed whatever Fitt chose to witness. Wires were inserted into the various holes in her skull and then joined into a small rectangle of metal that I recognised from descriptions of The Old as a computer chip. The baby began to stir and the humans turned on a machine that could only have been a computer, and began pressing buttons on it. The baby either
screamed, cried or calmed as different buttons were pressed in turn. When the humans were satisfied that all was working as it should, the chip was embedded in her skull and then the skin was stapled together over the top of it. The baby made strained wailing noises as she kicked her feet and clenched her fists. She was in pain and the humans didn’t care. They merely lifted her from the table, wiped the worst of the blood away and then returned her to her incubator.
I wanted to scream. Your centre... Infinity reminded me and I found it just before I felt the energy of Fitt’s forgiveness. Flame was with her, giving her the strength she needed to remember that we are all parts of the same whole and we are all merely dreaming a dream. Those who had incarnated as humans of The Old had made a mistake. They thought they were all separate beings, needing to compete with and control one another and as a result, they were fearful and unstable. They lost the ability to empathise or even love and they could not see that they were heading for their own destruction.
I thought of Aleks, whose soul had incarnated over and over in The Old and was now battling so desperately to clear his need to be in control of his external circumstances. Everything found its way back into balance, eventually, regardless of what occurred and who did what to whom. Blame, anger and guilt merely stood in the way of that balance being found.
Together, Fitt and I understood that we were seeing various parts of the same whole coming together and playing the parts in the dream that each would learn from and that would propel each towards finding balance. Together, we forgave.
We saw the babies grow without love or any form of nourishment other than that which entered their veins from the tubes to which they were attached, night and day. Any attempt to touch the tubes left them screaming as their computer chips registered a deviation from acceptable behaviour and stimulated nerves that would create pain.
