I Have a Voice
Page 4
This concept is extremely important. In order to bring about change, we must first find out the purpose of the behavior the person is wanting to change. If their behavior is producing a valid response to their need it is unlikely that they will change that behavior unless and until that need is beingmet in another, healthier way. For instance, in Josh’s case, he first needs to let go of the need to avenge his mother. Forgiveness is more likely when the person is able to dissociate from this involvement. Having a degree of objectivity about a key relationship enables them to find the necessary resources and reframe the meaning of that experience. These techniques are covered later in this book.
Josh’s need for vengeance fulfils a childhood purpose. He has to release this if he is to becomemore adult in his way of dealing with this relationship. Josh has no need for blocking or stuttering when he is able to forgive his mother and apply adult resources to the need for attention and protection. Essentially, he is growing up that part of him responsible for the childish behavior. The patterns in this book provide ways for healing the hurt behind such memories and for providing new ways for people to get what they want with blocking and stuttering.
Reasons for blocking and stuttering
Children at school not only have their peers making fun of them because they stutter, they may also find school-teachers ridiculing them in front of the class. A history of such experiences can produce layers of hurt that locks in the block. Eventually the children identify with blocking and stuttering: “I am different. I really am.” “There is something wrong withme.” “I amuseless.” “I am worthless.” “I am a weirdo.”
Some children deliberately choose to stutter because that is a way of protecting themselves within a dysfunctional family or in a hostile school environment. One client chose to block and stutter as a child in order to make things uncomfortable for his parents because they made life uncomfortable for him. As he grew through childhood and adolescence, the fear and insecurity he had acquired to cope with his sick family preserved his blocking and stuttering. Overcoming the problem was consequently a real challenge.
Another client, whose mother smothered her as a child, started blocking and stuttering because she thought that the behaviour would control her very controlling mother. She also discovered that blocking and stuttering served her as an attention getter from those people around her.
As a clinician, be aware that the form of the childhood blocking and stuttering will vary for each person. So treat each client as a unique individual, rather than simply generalizing across all clients. It is only when you understand the structure of how each one blocks and stutters that you can design your interventions for their particular need.
CASE STUDY 4
Although the vast majority of people start blocking and stuttering in childhood, there are the rare PWS who begin when they are adult. For example, I received the following email from Matt:
I have a great deal of experience in Public Speaking … and, until recently, typically presented at over 100–150 Investor Seminars per year. About 4–6 months ago, I developed a stuttering “habit”, which seems to rear its head primarily while talking on the telephone … although a few times in front of a crowd.
It’s not a severe problem, but I find it somewhat annoying … I have actually begun to initiate “avoidance behavior” when it comes to speaking on the phone with people I don’t know too well. Two months ago I decided to make a career change (within the same firm) to become an Investment Advisor. (The career change was unrelated to the stuttering.)
I’m somewhat apprehensive and concerned about the obvious necessity of dealing with clients on the telephone…as this is naturally, a huge part of running an advisory business practice … and prospecting.
Matt’s first experience with stuttering began in adulthood. I have not spoken to him in detail but I did ask him in a second email to check out what it was he was so fearful about when speaking on the phone:
This statement is very provocative to me … since I don’t feel that I’m fearful of anything more than the possibility of stuttering … and the stuttering began at a time when I was questioning my passion for my career … and was particularly stressed with 18–20 hour work days. [italics added]
In the third email I inquired:
If you didn’t have the fear of the ‘possibility of stuttering’ what would change?
He replied:
I would be able to fluently and easily pick up the phone and speak with anyone and everyone without having the nervousness and apprehension which comes with the fear that I may not be able to communicate properly and get stuck over words. I would actually enjoy the experience of getting to know new people and conveying the Investment principles that I truly believe in.
Not being able to cope with dealing with clients on the phone suggests it is highly likely that the roots are in his childhood. Such behavior frequently indicates lack of confidence and that usually arises from a poor self-image. However, that can be changed. For example, Susan completed her story as follows:
Then I drew another picture. I was still in cage but stutter suit was off. The following thoughts were present:
I can make phone calls.
I can look people straight in the eyes.
I can stay in the moment of stuttering.
I can love myself for who I am, if I stutter or not.
Then I went a step further with the stutter suit off. I stepped out of the box and immediately I was in an empowered state. Here were my thoughts:
I am empowered, I am out of jail.
I can be real and all that I am. I can anything, there are no limits.
I can really rock.
There is so much I can do.
It is so amazing, how these 2 different states really create different results. It is really neat!
Three keys to fluency
In working with PWS I have come to the conclusion that there are three key steps towards more fluency. The PWS must:
Develop a healthy concept of Self, especially within the context of stuttering.
Ignore what others may or may not think about them. Not be bothered by how other people talk about them.
Know that they have the personal resources necessary for living successfully in the world.
Of these, the first step is fundamental. It is only when the PWS has developed an inner sense of worth and self-esteem that they can ignore what others may or may not think or say about how they speak. When that fear goes, most if not all of blocking and stuttering goes with it.
The PWS crucially begins to overcome that ingrained habit by building a healthy view of themselves. In this book there are several exercises designed to assist you to lead a PWS towards a healthier view of themselves so that they can be fluent in all contexts.
Using what you already have
I have a simple theory: “If a person can speak fluently in one context, then that person can learn to speak fluently in all contexts.” People who stutter already know how to talk; they do not need to re-learn how to do this. What they need is to be able to access the same state of mind they are in when they are speaking fluently.
Blocking does not happen all the time. It is only triggered in those contexts where the PWS has associated fear and/or anxiety. The emotional issues which contribute to blocking and stuttering are reinforced through experiences such as bullying, teasing, being ridiculed, and so on. Most if not all PWS fear what others will think of them if they block and stutter. They tend to define their concept of self based on this behavior and believe: “I am different, so there is something wrong with me.” Many PWS feel powerless to overcome this problem. They tend to believe that the world in which they live is filled with people who are out to get them.
Throughout life, bonds of various strengths are created between your experiences and your emotions, and these find expression in your body. Those which are repeated, both negative and positive, become stronger. It seems highly probable that the feelings which are c
onnected to blocking affect the breathing and speaking muscles. In that way, blocking is similar to a panic or anxiety attack. However, a person who has panic attacks does not live every moment of every day panicking. Similarly, the person who blocks and stutters is not always blocking. As with a panic attack, blocking is triggered psychologically. Therefore the way to change this response is to change the cognitive aspects of this learned behavior.
The average PWS has spent years achieving mastery – they can block without thinking about it! To change this habit, they will need to spend time practicing flying into states of calm (see Chapter Five). The vast majority of clients with anxiety problems whom I have seen over the years took up to twelve hours of therapy to eliminate the fear or at least make it manageable. It then required three months or more practicing changing their focus of attention. However, it may take longer with PWS. Not all completely overcome their problem; a few hardly change at all.
Although I highly recommend that you work face-to-face with clients because that provides important visual information, much can still be achieved through telephone consultations. It is surprising how much can be done auditorily, even though this is the area of difficulty! After 25–30 hours and much practice, several PWS have gained either normal fluency or are greatly improved. Why does change take so long? Because these emotions and strategies are so well programmed into the body, and it takes time for the body to readjust to cognitive changes.
Because blocking and stuttering are learned behaviors, they can be unlearned. A practical way of doing this is through the use of cognitive (thinking) techniques such as those of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Neuro-Semantics®, both of which are primarily cognitive therapies. This book includes those processes which I have used successfully with clients who suffered from anxiety and panic disorders. These two methodologies provide ways of working to change blocking and stuttering behaviours by altering the way someone thinks.
By changing the thinking-and-feeling components of experience you can effect change in the messages that the body-mind sends to refresh and reinforce the neural pathways. This offers hope for recovery and transformation. It is therefore not surprising that in the past three decades the many forms of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have been instrumental in creating the most significant changes. The Neuro-Semantics model has enabled us to pioneer faster and more streamlined ways of getting to the source of the problem – the cognitive frames that determine experience.
The aim is to remove the debilitating meaning of particular people and events so that they no longer fear them, but act fluently and confidently. Changing the PWS’s cognitive frames necessitates helping them reframe all those unconscious hurts and fears around stuttering (see Chapter Five). It’s not that the PWS has to be super-aware of their behavior. On the contrary, they eventually become totally bored with or indifferent to that dysfunctional behavior so that they ignore it, let it go, and do something more interesting. They establish and maintain good relationships with others; they communicate by paying more attention to the other person. This is, after all, what makes life worth living.
Chapter Two
Learning to Think Differently
If blocking is primarily cognitive rather than physiological, then it seems sensible to find ways of resolving this problem through cognitive means. This means that the PWS needs to change the way they think about themselves, how they relate to others, and how they fulfil their needs. Until they change how they think about stuttering, their physiology will stay the same.
A key change comes from acknowledging that you have control over what you think. Once you accept that the cause of the blocking lies in the way you think, this offers you the means to solve your problems. It also stops the foolishness of believing other people control your mind without your permission. When the PWS is able to say Yes to the belief: “No one can make me believe or feel anything that I choose not to believe or feel” and incorporate it into their model of the world, the fear of what other people may think of them disappears. Once that belief about other people causing them to stutter is out of the way the PWS realizes that they have to take responsibility for creating their own stuttering. Then there is no reason for the stuttering to persist.
Although changing your thinking can sometimes happen quickly, it is more often the case that it takes time, especially if the PWS is adjusting their responses to childhood hurts which have been very well learned. Your role is to help them build the necessary skills step by step: undoing old thought patterns and learning new ones so that the old fears and other negative emotions around blocking diminish. For a start, the PWS must stop telling themselves negative stories and instead learn how to access resource states and apply them when needed.
All the change patterns and processes in this book are intended to enable you to assist the PWS to find their own resources which will enable them to function well. One byproduct of working with PWS to access the numerous resources they already have available within themselves, is that they also become more attuned to the present. Once the PWS can give a great big No to those old childhood limiting beliefs and a great big Yes to their present adult resources they will be moving rapidly towards increasing fluency. Having changed the meaning of those situations which used to lead to blocking, they learn to interpret their experience in more flexible ways, and have more effective strategies for getting what they want. Indeed, this is true for all therapy.
Meaning
In order to operate in the world you need to make meaning of your experience. A meaningful experience is one that provides an opportunity for taking action. It doesn’t mean that you will be successful, only that you have a strategy for intervention. People are happy when they can interpret a situation and know what to do. Because any situation can be interpreted in a number of ways, it matters how people interpret what is happening because the meaning they give it determines what they will actually do.
The word “meaning” comes from an Old High German word meaning “to hold in mind”. Because much of what we hold in mind is linguistic, it matters how we use language, how we talk to ourselves, because the meanings are in the form of stories about how to do things and “what happens next”. These stories create our model of the world, hold everything in place (at least temporarily), and thus influence the whole body-mind system. The PWS has meanings which hold blocking and stuttering in place. Once those particular meanings are removed or changed, other strategies or stories – resources – become available, and the blocking and stuttering behaviors lose their power and disappear.
Every visual image, sound, feeling, smell, taste and word has associations for us. Every experience leads to a composite of meanings and mind-body states. Over the years we learn to associate particular experiences with certain body-mind states, both pleasurable and inhibitory. For example, a favorite meal may not only stimulate appetite, but also remind you of pleasant memories of previous meals in good company in beautiful surroundings. Alternatively, people may avoid situations when something unpleasant occurred because that triggers upsetting memories.
However, some common situations cannot be avoided because they are part of everyday life. Personal history is powerful: “I have always blocked and I always will.” So when the PWS encounters the kind of person with whom they usually block, a limiting state arises and they actually block. Other triggers could be the way someone looks, such as having a confused look on their face, starting to snigger, or acting as if they are in a hurry. The PWS connects their feeling response to that with particular context: the appearance, voice tonality or behavior of the other person.
To find out what kind of anchors trigger their blocking, just ask the PWS, “How do you know when to block?” “What triggers you to block?” Because blocking is not inevitable, you could assume that when those key factors are missing they are fluent. Check that out: “And when you are fluent, that key factor is not present?” In this way the PWS discovers what sets off their blocking behavior. Then the
y can choose to change the meaning and power of those triggers. This makes a profound difference to someone’s life. Once on the road to fluency, the old meanings associated with blocking simply dissolve.
The following situations commonly trigger blocking for most PWS:
Being away from the safety of being by themselves at home.
Finding the atmosphere “tense” or “serious”.
Being under pressure to finish what they have to say. Having to “Hurry up!”
Reading out loud in front of a group.
Speaking to anyone at all/anyone in authority/anyone of the opposite sex.
Ordering in a restaurant, or asking a shop assistant for help.
Making a phone call or answering the telephone. (Some can make a call but cannot answer the phone, and vice versa. It depends on the meaning of the context.)
What exactly is the trigger? Sometimes it is a combination of factors; the PWS interprets the whole situation together with their expectations as the cue for running their blocking strategy. It may be that they are no longer aware of what the specific cues are because they have generalized the situation. For example, it is sufficient that they perceive the other person as having higher status, an “authority figure”, or in a position of power over them. The PWS explains this by saying that it goes back to their childhood, being confronted or challenged by the parents, or perhaps to a time when they were being put down by teachers. Since then it has been extended to all other people in authority. The thought now serves as the trigger for the PWS to experience blocking.