I Have a Voice

by Bob G Bodenhamer

  Creating a calm state

  You may fly into a calm when by yourself, when speaking to a pet or to somebody you are comfortable with. Reflect on those times and ask yourself what enabled you to be calm, relaxed and speaking fluently. What beliefs, values, memories, decisions and attitudes go with that calm state and speaking so fluently? The answers will give you the mental frames of mind that permit you to fly into a calm. As these mental frames come to conscious awareness, trust your unconscious mind to give you even more reasons for you to fly into a calm in all situations.

  Your ability to fly into a calm is already a resource; you only need to make it a key item in your repertoire. You probably need to practice, so that it becomes stronger, more powerful, and so that you can access it in a split second when you need it.

  OK, I admit that for a person who blocks it may not be quite as simple as that in those extreme contexts where they go into a panic before speaking. However, let’s not dismiss this process too soon. You may be surprised at what you can do. For sure, you have nothing to lose but some time practicing.

  First, pay attention to that state of calm that you know you can achieve. Think about a time when you really demonstrated the power of your telephone voice (or something equivalent). Be there again, seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard, and feeling what you felt.

  What enabled you to step out of the angry and yelling state to the calm and cool state where you said, “Hello!”? What beliefs, values, decisions, intentions empowered that response? Why didn’t you answer the phone with your angry voice? Why didn’t you yell at the person calling in? Your answers to these questions will help you identify the key aspects of how you can fly into a calm, so that you can generalize the strategy for use in other contexts in your life.

  As you clarify each factor, amplify it to find the optimum value for best results. It is also important to establish a trigger – a word, a symbol, a special touch – that is associated with this ability to change your emotional state at will. In NLP this is called anchoring (see Bodenhamer and Hall, 1999, Chapter 13). Consider:

  What would be a good anchor or symbol for total calmness?

  What sound, sight, and sensation would remind me of this state?

  Now practice stepping into it, setting that link to some trigger, breaking state, and then using the trigger to step back into that place where you manage your emotions.

  4. Finding your calm state.

  Create your best representation of a confidently relaxed state. The best way to do this is to recall a time when you were really relaxed in a calm and centered way.

  Ask yourself:

  What kind of relaxation do I need or want for speaking fluently in all contexts?

  How can I feel calm and confident and relaxed whenever I speak?

  What kind of a relaxed mind and emotions do I want or need in a given situation?

  Although you might think that their relaxed state involves lying on the beach on a sunny day, that is not really appropriate for the workplace or for those times that typically trigger blocking. A relaxed state is not about going limp or crashing out. There are other kinds of relaxation which would serve you better as a possible resource. You need to have a relaxed state which:

  has the qualities of alertness, mindfulness, readiness, or whatever would make you resourceful when you typically block

  gives you the sense that you are in control of the situation, that nothing will faze you or distract you from your purpose.

  Relaxed alertness means:

  Your breathing is easy, you are no longer obsessing and your mind is at ease.

  You have a calm confidence in your ability to speak fluently, a relaxed attentiveness in listening fully to the other person.

  You are not concerned with whether or not he/she may be judging how you speak.

  It is also important that you can say “Yes” to being in this calm state (see Chapter Six).

  The relaxed energy of readiness and eagerness to speak calmly gives you confidence because you are aware that your mind-body system knows how to perform optimally. It also means that when you are tested by life and slide into a block once in awhile, you are able to accept those everyday frustrations without judging yourself.

  Imagine going to that place and associate totally into that experience. Recall this memory as richly as possible: see what you were seeing, hear what you were hearing, and feel what you were feeling – so that you can access this state. You may wish to amplify the state by making the pictures more vivid; by making the sounds more explicit; by talking to yourself in a calm relaxing way using words that totally and completely relax you. And then connect it to a code word, symbol, physical touch or sensation so that you have a ready access to that state. When you activate your code (fire your anchor), it will put you back into that calm state.

  Once you have set this trigger, try it out for real by accessing this state just before entering a speaking engagement. Learn from what happens. Remember there is no “failure”; it’s just a message that you need more practice. (For further information see Lederer & Hall, 1999). If you need to customize this set up, mentally step back and examine it, so that you can make any necessary adjustments. Find out what works best, and then amplify it, build your resource state:

  What is the nature and quality (pictures, sounds, feelings) of your relaxed state?

  What qualities and factors make up this state?

  What other qualities would you like to edit into this state?

  Additional qualities

  For instance, you could add a big dose of healthy humor to the mix. The ability to lighten up, to not take your self or others so seriously, to enjoy people and experiences tremendously enriches relaxation. How many times have you become extremely fearful of a speaking moment when it was totally unnecessary? The people you were speaking to were not judging you like that and you know it. It was you who was doing the judging. Well, what about stepping outside that and seeing how ridiculous such thinking is. Could you now laugh at your childish behavior?

  You can explode most fears by exaggerating them. Go really over the top with the fear until it become ridiculous. Then exaggerate it some more; it becomes ludicrous. Your sense of humor enables you to operate in a more humble and delightful way.

  How about appreciation? What if you moved through the world appreciating things, people, and experiences more? Instead of fearing what other people may think of your speech, appreciate that most will listen patiently to you. Appreciate that you can not only speak, but you can in some contexts speak fluently. I know some mute people who would love to have those abilities.

  Magnanimity is another resource. It would enable you to operate from a sense of a having a big heart and thereby prevent you from becoming mentally ruffled. How would that enhance your life?

  You could choose to be open, to accept what the world offers you. You could be more flexible, forgiving, playful, balanced … the list goes on and on. Create you own set of resourceful qualities that will enhance your core relaxation state. Practice, practice, practice building that state so that instead of flying into a block you fly into a calm.

  Defusing emotions

  Emotions have a profound effect on whether or not the PWS blocks and stutters. The PWS can learn how to control those emotions which have got out of perspective. In Chapter Two it was proposed that people evaluate their experience based on their expectations of what happens next, they learn to associate their emotions with whether or not their experience of the world matches those expectations.

  The degree of association can change. The adult mind can judge which emotions are appropriate for a particular experience. Most inappropriate emotions are linked to the past, possibly childhood experiences. A PWS may claim that because “I was scared of my father because every time I started stuttering he would yell, ‘Spit it out! Spit it out!’ and ever since then I have been afraid of authority figures for they will want me to ‘spit it out’ and I can’t. That’s why I stutt
er.” This kind of generalization needs to be challenged; the PWS needs to sort out these confusions, as there is no need to hang on to the embarrassments from childhood and apply them to present situations. For example, the person they are talking to now is not that yelling parent, that threatening or ridiculing authority figure. It’s time for the PWS to make new evaluations about their emotional responses as the old ones are no longer justified.

  Exercise 5.2: The Emotions Are Just Signals Pattern

  Emotions have a profound effect on whether or not the PWS blocks and stutters. The PWS needs to know how to control those emotions which have got out of hand. The following exercise provides several ways to reframe those negative emotions.

  Overview

  Recognize that emotions are just signals.

  Access a witnessing state.

  Recognize the triggers that evoke the blocking

  Say to yourself, “It is just an emotion.”

  Give yourself permission to change the meaning that drives the emotion.

  Use a positive resource.

  Check alignment.

  Put into your future and install.

  1. Recognize that emotions are just signals.

  Remind the PWS that their emotions are there for a purpose, which is to help them evaluate and decide whether or not their experience is enjoyable and worth pursuing. In this sense it is information about their relationship with an experience. The point is: are they acting on that information unthinkingly, or are they engaging in a proper evaluation of what is happening?

  2. Access a witness state to one of the major negative emotions around blocking.

  Ask the PWS to name one of the emotions they associate with blocking. It could be fear, anxiety, confusion, anger, or whatever. Have them take a deep breath and then release it as they mentally step back from that negative emotion. They need to be far enough away to witness – objectively observe – that emotion.

  Say to the PWS: “Know that this negative emotion offers an evaluation of your current experience and your model of the world.”

  Ask the following questions:

  “What was going on in your life when you created this emotion?”

  “What should you have expected from that time? Should you have expected any other reaction or anything different?”

  Many PWS have told me they can tell just by looking that other people think it funny to hear them block and stutter: they may snicker, seem embarrassed, not know what to do. Ask, “What do you expect?”

  If you had never heard or seen someone block and stutter, and then when they try to speak to you they lock up in a block, how do you expect you would react? Perhaps with the laughter of embarrassment? The majority of people do not intend to make fun of you. Some may feel sympathetic toward you, some may even feel empathy – they feel your hurt, they struggle with you as they see you struggle. Even if someone makes fun of you, whose problem is it? It is only your problem if you make it so.

  Once the PWS has answered your question about their expectations, get them to evaluate what they have said in terms of whether or not it is logical or reasonable. The fact that you are asking them to witness their own thoughts suggests that they need to consider their answer, and decide how appropriate it is.

  3. Recognize the triggers that evoke the blocking.

  Discuss the following questions with the PWS:

  “Where do you block worst? What is going on when you block?”

  Step back from those times of blocking and note what is going on that triggers the fear and anxiety, those negative emotions that cause you to freeze up and block.

  “Knowing that you do not always block, that in certain situations [name them] you are fluent, what has to happen in order for you to experience fear and anxiety and then block?”

  “What do you have to see, hear or feel in order for you to know that it is time to block?”

  If it is a feeling: a) what emotion is behind the feeling? b) what thought is behind that emotion? and c) what triggers that thought?

  “Does the interpretation you are putting on the events that trigger you to block accurately represent what is happening? Or are you responding to some old learning from childhood that is no longer relevant today? If so, know that that emotion is just an emotion.

  4. Say to yourself: “It’s just an emotion.”

  Lead the PWS to use their most resourceful voice to say something like, “I am more than my emotions. I experience emotions, but I am more than just my emotions.” It is OK for them to put this in their own words. It is vital that the PWS be able to separate their identity from their emotions as this is a vital step towards their learning how to control their state. Then ask them:

  “If that emotion is just information, what does it tell you that will help you change what you do?”

  Ask them to consider:

  “Who is in control here? You or your emotions? Who’s running the show?”

  Suggest that they refuse to treat their emotions as being the final arbiter, or as providing a final report on their standing, status, destiny and identity. Instead, “Decide to learn from your emotions, treat them as signals and messages about the relationship between your perception of the world at the particular moment when you generated the emotion. Keep the emotion to the context in which it originated. Do not let it color your life.”

  5. Give yourself permission to change the meaning that drives the emotion.

  Ask the PWS to go inside and make appropriate changes to anything that is no longer useful.

  “Go inside and give yourself permission to change the meaning of this emotion. Should any internal objection come up, welcome it, find out what its intention for you is, and find another way of satisfying it. (See step 7 for reframing any objecting parts.)

  “What new meanings for that emotion will permit you to minimize its effect?”

  For example:

  “I learned this emotion when I was being made fun of as a child for my stuttering. I am no longer a child. I am an adult and I can handle anyone who thinks it is clever to make fun of me today. They have the problem – not me!”

  “I give myself permission to feel fear because it allows me to recognize things that are a true threat to me and to take appropriate action early.”

  “I give myself permission to feel the tender emotions because it makes me more fully human.”

  6. Use a positive resource.

  Ask the PWS to find a resource which will override that negative emotion and minimize or eliminate its power.

  “Which resourceful state could you use to override that negative emotion, and would minimize or eliminate its power.”

  “You may like to consider this list of resourceful states: calmness, courage, faith, persistence, determination, being centered.”

  “Access the resource state that you choose and then find a way of amplifying to make it even more powerful. Then, holding this resource state, allow it to overpower the negative emotion that you do not want. Feel this sense of calmness, courage, faith … [use their actual words] permeating the whole of your being, and replacing that unwanted emotion with this positive resource state.”

  “Meta-State the negative emotion with your positive emotion as you apply the positive emotion to the negative emotion.”

  7. Check alignment.

  You need to check with the PWS that they are totally aligned with this change. If there is a part of them that objects to this change, that part could sabotage this process and kick the person right back into the negative emotion.

  Therefore, go inside, and ask if there are any parts of you which have any objections to the proposed change.

  “Does any part of you object to letting this operate as your primary style in dealing with this emotion?”

  You may need to make a list. After each objection ask, “Are there any more parts which object?” If so, go back to step 5.

  The next step is to find out each part’s intention – its higher purpose – so that it may b
e satisfied in a more appropriate way. In NLP it is presupposed that all behavior has a positive intent. That is not to say that the intent is ethically or morally correct. The intent relates to the circumstances at the time and the resources the person had available.

  A frequently asked question concerning this presupposition is, “What about a person who sexually abuses a child? What is the positive intent behind that?” Most abusers were abused themselves; the adult’s behavior, however horrible, could be an unconscious attempt on the part of the adult to experience love or even to give it. This may seem sick – and it is – but it is true to experience. Having worked with several abusers I found that such intents are common. Part of the person wants something which is currently denied them. Having very few strategies available, anything might be better than doing nothing.

  A PWS was dealing with her fear of giving up stuttering. It is a major issue with her. The intent or purpose of her stuttering is that it serves as a means of stopping her from being successful. Because if she were successful in her career then she would be going out and meeting new people, traveling the country and even the world giving presentations. Although she is a superb, fluent public speaker when in her empowerment state, she knows that is a problem because to her, being successful means she will be “out there” and being “out there” means that she is in danger. So she retains her stuttering behavior to protect her from this danger, which is (a) failure and (b) the possibility of getting hurt. Indeed, the word she used to describe that fear of success was “terror.” So the part of her which has the intention of keeping her safe needs to maintain the stuttering because that will prevent her from being successful and thus will protect her from failure and being hurt. Paradoxically, staying safe means continuing to stutter – and that causes more failure and more hurt. The person thus experiences incongruence – they are at odds with themselves; their behavior doesn’t get them what they want.