Managing Your Emotions: Instead of Your Emotions Managing You

by Joyce Meyer

  One thing that is good for the people with phlegmatic personalities to remember is that they need to exercise their faith and make an effort to show some emotion. It can be very dull living with an individual who is bland about everything.

  If you are a low-key person, you need to stretch yourself on purpose for the sake of others with whom you are in relationship. We are operating in love when we sacrifice ourselves and do what others need us to do.

  On the other hand, if you are more like me and tend to get aggressively excited about new things you are involved in, you may need to learn to tone down your emotions and become more of a balanced person. Remember, it is difficult for a more serious and sober person to relate to you because he truly does not feel what you feel. The answer, of course, is balance, as we will discuss later on.

  The third personality type is called sanguine. This is the most emotional type of all. The sanguine personality is bubbly and seems to bounce through life. It is easy to tell when a sanguine comes into the room. His voice can be heard above everyone else's: “Oh, I'm so excited to be here!”

  The sanguine has a tendency to get on the nerves of a choleric — especially mine! I am the serious, goal-oriented type who always has a plan and am moving toward it. When a sanguine comes bouncing in, it often disturbs me. But the sanguine may not even notice. Because he is so full of fun and energy, he is usually oblivious to anything other than having a good time.

  Sanguines often marry the fourth type, called melancholy. As you can guess, melancholies are those who have the most trouble with depression. They are the deep people — the thinkers — the organizers. They are the ones who are so organized they alphabetize their spice racks. They tie their shoelaces and put them inside their shoes before carefully placing them in the closet. They believe there is a place for everything, and everything should be in its place.

  Sanguines are frequently not very disciplined, and this is, of course, very difficult for the melancholy types to handle. Melancholies are really neat people. They always have a plan, but they usually end up married to sanguines who couldn't care less whether there is a plan or not. Even if they did have a plan, sanguines wouldn't remember it for more than five minutes. They are the ones who park their car in a parking lot or garage, and then can't remember where they left it!

  Do you think a sanguine would worry about that? Not the lady I knew who did it. She thought it was funny! Now she has a new story to tell at the parties she bubbles into.

  As you can see, how you and I react to emotions depends to an extent upon which of these four types best describes our individual personality: choleric, phlegmatic, sanguine, or melancholy. Most of us are a blend of two or more of the personality types.

  It really helps to know yourself. There are some good Christian books available on the subject: Spirit-Controlled Temperament by Tim LaHaye and Your Personality Tree by Florence Littauer.

  Always remember that we can learn to control our weaknesses through the power of the Holy Spirit and in doing so become well-balanced individuals who cannot be controlled by Satan.

  EMOTIONALISM

  The term “emotionalism” is used to describe “a tendency to rely on or place too much value on emotion.”3 Often it is defined as an “excessive display of emotion.”

  An “emotionalist” is “one whose conduct … is ruled by emotion as opposed to reason.”4

  One project or assignment I always give those who attend my seminars on this subject is to read the book of Proverbs and find all the verses in it that compare emotion to wisdom.

  In doing this, they usually learn that one of the differences between wisdom and emotion concerns proper timing.

  Wisdom always waits for the right time to act, while emotion always pushes for action right now! Emotionalism is rash. It calls for immediate action. While wisdom calmly looks ahead to determine how a decision will affect the future, emotions are only concerned with what is happening at the moment.

  How many times have you said or done something in the heat of emotion, then later experienced deep, deep regret for your rash action?

  “Oh, if I had only kept my mouth shut!”

  It is amazing the damage that can be done to a relationship by one emotional outburst.

  One time, when I was trying to learn to control my mouth and not talk back to my husband, I got so emotional the Lord had to say to me, “Joyce, that's enough! Don't you say another word!” I hurriedly left the room, ran down the hall, and locked myself in the bathroom. I was so upset I buried my face in a towel and screamed into it! Sometimes the strongholds in our flesh become so ingrained, it takes some pretty determined action to break them down. That's why we need to learn to fight against our undisciplined emotions and bring them into submission to the will of God.

  Fighting Emotions

  [Therefore, I do not treat God's gracious gift as something of minor importance and defeat its very purpose]; I do not set aside and invalidate and frustrate and nullify the grace (unmerited favor) of God...Galatians 2:21

  At first it won't be easy to overcome emotions. It never is. When you and I initially begin to break ourselves of any habit, we have a struggle on our hands. We have to fight within ourselves, crying out to God, “Lord, help me, help me!” It is so wonderful to know that the Holy Spirit is always with us to help us all the time.

  If you know you have given yourself over to some bad habit like emotional eating, when you sit down to the table you have to say within yourself, “Holy Spirit, help me not to overeat.” In a restaurant where everybody at your table is ordering dessert, and you can feel yourself starting to waiver, you can cry out inside, “Holy Spirit, help me, help me!”

  I have found that if I depend upon my flesh through sheer willpower or determination alone, I will fail every time. But if I am determined to resist temptation by calling on the power of the Holy Spirit, I find the strength I need for success.

  I have discovered that the Lord is not going to do everything for us in this life. We can't just find someone to lay hands on us and pray for us to be set free from all our bondages. There is a part we must play with our minds and wills. It takes a combination of faith and action.

  The Apostle Paul said that he did not take the grace of God in vain. (Gal. 2:21.) He meant that he did not expect God to do everything for him without doing his part too. God gives us the ability to do what we need to do, but we must choose right action.

  The writer of the book of Proverbs tells us: The beginning of Wisdom is: get Wisdom (skillful and godly Wisdom)! [For skillful and godly Wisdom is the principal thing.] And with all you have gotten, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation) (Prov. 4:7.) In other words, we need to be able to see through the lies Satan speaks to our mind and past the feelings he stirs up within us. We must keep our eyes on the Word of God and do what it says — not what the enemy causes us to feel like doing.

  If you are going to be a person who is committed to the Word of God, you will have to learn to be led by the Spirit and not by your emotions.

  Whenever an emotion rises up on the inside of me, I test it to see if it is in line with the Word of God. If it is not, the Holy Spirit reveals it to me, and I resist it.

  That's how we fight against our emotions — by using our will to make a decision to follow God's Word rather than our feelings.

  EMOTIONLESS

  Someone who is emotionless is “lacking emotion — unable to show emotion; one who feels no emotion, or very little emotion.”5

  Many times when people have been hurt badly in their past, they develop a hard core within and build up high walls without to protect themselves. They may have all the same feelings that others have, but they are unable to show them. Sometimes they may even be so hurt they become callous and unable to feel anything. In either case, there is a real healing needed.

  Hardened and Unbridled Emotions

  So this I say and solemnly testify in [the name of] the Lord [as in His presence], that you must
no longer live as the heathen (the Gentiles) do in their perverseness [in the folly, vanity, and emptiness of their souls and the futility] of their minds.

  Their moral understanding is darkened and their reasoning is beclouded. [They are] alienated (estranged, self-banished) from the life of God [with no share in it; this is] because of the ignorance (the want of knowledge and perception, the willful blindness) that is deep-seated in them, due to their hardness of heart [to the insensitiveness of their moral nature].

  In their spiritual apathy they have become callous and past feeling and reckless and have abandoned themselves [a prey] to unbridled sensuality, eager and greedy to indulge in every form of impurity [that their depraved desires may suggest and demand]. Ephesians 4:17-19

  The Lord called my attention to this passage about unbelievers and showed me two things about it. First of all, it says unbelievers are so callous and hard they are past feeling. But in the same verse it says they live by their feelings in sensuality and carnality.

  As I meditated on that statement, the Lord showed me that such people are past doing what they should be doing with their feelings.

  God gives us feelings for a specific purpose and use in our walk with Him. These people have been hardened to the place they are past using their feelings for the right purpose. Satan has moved them into an area in which they are living riotous lives, doing whatever they feel like doing.

  What is the world's philosophy today? “If it feels good, do it!”

  You and I are not to live that way.

  Jesus and Emotions

  For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. Hebrews 4:15

  According to this verse, Jesus experienced every emotion and suffered every feeling you and I do, yet without sinning. Why did He not sin? Because He did not give in to His wrong feelings. He knew the Word of God in every area of life because He spent years studying it before He began His ministry.

  The Bible says that as a child Jesus … grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom …(Luke 2:40) so that by the time He was twelve years old, He thought He was old enough to go to the temple in Jerusalem and “be about His Father's business.” (Luke 2:41-52.) But He still had years of learning before He entered His full-time ministry.

  You and I will never be able to say no to our feelings if we don't have within us a strong knowledge of the Word of God. Jesus had the same feelings we do, but He never sinned by giving in to them.

  When I am hurt by someone and I feel angry or upset, it is such a comfort to me to be able to lift my face and hands and voice to the Lord saying, “Jesus, I am so glad that You understand what I am feeling right now and that You don't condemn me for feeling this way. I don't want to give vent to my emotions. Help me, Lord, to get over them. Help me to forgive those who have wronged me and not slight them, avoid them, or seek to pay them back for the harm they have done me. Help me not to live under condemnation in thinking that I shouldn't be feeling this way.”

  It is not a matter of just thinking, “I shouldn't be feeling this way.” It is a matter of crying out to God and functioning in the fruit of the Spirit called self-control. (Gal. 5:23.)

  You and I don't have to feel condemned because we have bad feelings. Jesus understands. His main concern is that we come to the point where we are like Him: humble, gentle, meek, and lowly. He wants us to develop compassion, understanding, and softness of heart.

  Because I was hurt really badly in my childhood, I developed a hard core and built up high walls around myself for self-protection, just like those I have mentioned. I became hard and calloused on the inside. But I learned and am still learning that any kind of personality, no matter how hurt or hurting, can be presented and projected in a kind, gentle way.

  No matter what our past experiences or our present feelings, we are to be compassionate toward others. We are to rejoice with those who rejoice, but we are also to weep with those who weep. (Rom. 12:15.)

  One of the things Jesus imparted to people and imparts to us today, and one of the things we need to impart to others, is not hardness, but understanding.

  No matter what anybody does or has done to us, we need to convey to them the message: “I understand what you are going through. I understand how you feel. But also let me tell you what the Word of God says. You don't have to stay the way you are.” Hurting people hurt people, but love can heal and change them.

  It is obvious what Satan wants us to do. He wants us to develop hardness and callousness within us so that we cannot feel or be sensitive to the needs of others.

  God wants us to be more sensitive to the feelings and needs of others and less sensitive to our own feelings and needs. He wants us to deposit ourselves in His hands and let Him take care of us while we are practicing being kind and compassionate and sensitive to other people.

  As believers, we are not to be led by our feelings, but we are to be moved by them to show compassion and understanding to those in need. That is the right purpose and use of feelings and emotions, … so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress, with the comfort (consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God (2 Cor. 1:4).

  Feelings or Decision?

  … being in an agony [of mind], He prayed [all the] more earnestly and intently, and His sweat became like great clots of blood dropping down upon the ground. Luke 22:44

  Remember, feelings are part of the soul which is often said to be composed of the mind, will, and emotions.

  When we are born again, we are not told to stop thinking. We are just told to start thinking a new way.

  When we are born again, we are not told to stop deciding, to stop desiring, we are just told to surrender our will to God and decide to do what He desires, according to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

  The same is true with emotions. When we are born again, we are not told to stop feeling. We are just told to learn how to express those feelings in the right way.

  Jesus did not feel like going to the cross, but He resisted against operating by His feelings. He subjected His emotions to His heavenly Father.

  In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus went through agony of soul in His efforts to resist the temptation to do what He felt like doing rather than what He knew was God's will for Him.

  Testing the Emotions

  Oh, let the wickedness of the wicked come to an end, but establish the [uncompromisingly] righteous [those upright and in harmony with You]; for You, Who try the hearts and emotions and thinking powers, are a righteous God. Psalm 7:9

  Here in Psalm 7:9 and also in Revelation 2:23 ( … I am He Who searches minds (the thoughts, feelings, and purposes) and the [inmost] hearts …) we read that God is a God Who tries emotions. What does the word try mean in this context? It means to test until purified.6

  A few years ago, as I was praying, God said to me, “Joyce, I am going to test your emotions.” I had never heard of anything like that. I didn't know these Scriptures were even in the Bible. So I went on my way.

  About six months later I just suddenly seemed to become an emotional wreck. I cried for no reason. Everything hurt my feelings.

  I thought, “What is the problem here? What's going on?”

  Then the Lord reminded me of what He had said to me earlier, “I am going to test your emotions.” He led me to Psalm 7:9 and Revelation 2:23 and caused me to understand what He was doing for my own good.

  No matter who you are, there will be periods of time in which you feel more emotional than usual. You may wake up one morning and feel like breaking down and crying for no reason. That may last a week or it may last longer. You may think, “What is my problem?”

  During those times you have to be careful because your feelings will get hurt very easi
ly. The slightest thing will set you off.

  There were times in my life when I would go to bed praying, feeling as sweet as could be, then wake up the next morning like I had stayed up all night eating nails! I would get up in such a foul mood that if anyone came near me or crossed me, I felt like hitting them on the head!

  What should we do when we start feeling that way? First of all, we shouldn't start getting under condemnation. Number two, we shouldn't even try to figure out what is happening. What we should do is simply say, “This is one of those times when my emotions are being tried. I'm going to trust God and learn to control them.”

  How are you and I ever going to learn to control ourselves emotionally unless God allows us to go through some trying times?

  Remember, the Bible says that God will never allow any more to come upon us than we are able to bear. (1 Cor. 10:13.) If the Lord does not allow such testing times to come upon us, we will never learn how to deal with Satan when he brings them upon us — which he will sooner or later.

  Trying times are learning times.

  Emotions and Fatigue

  But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a lone broom or juniper tree and asked that he might die. He said, It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; for I am no better than my fathers. 1 Kings 19:4

  I have often heard that after a person goes through a real emotional high, he will usually bottom out with an emotional low.

  We see this in the life of Elijah the prophet in the book of 1 Kings. One day he is on Mt. Carmel making a fool of the priests of Baal, calling down fire from heaven, at the height of his emotion. The next day we see him out in the desert sitting under a juniper tree asking God to let him die because he feels so depressed.