Managing Your Emotions: Instead of Your Emotions Managing You

by Joyce Meyer

  A Servant of God or of Self?

  For although I am free in every way from anyone's control, I have made myself a bond servant to everyone, so that I might gain the more [for Christ]. 1 Corinthians 9:19

  After dealing with this subject of emotional healing for years, I began to see something that disturbed me. I saw that many people make a religion out of being healed. They establish a little co-dependent religion apart from the Church of Jesus Christ. They label themselves and others as co-dependent, then set up a whole system of beliefs and practices based on their condition and their perceived “cure” for it.

  The problem is, such people are so preoccupied with their rituals and practices they never seem to get healed. They just work at it all the time.

  If you are part of a co-dependency recovery group, I am not saying you should quit it. I am just warning you not to let it become the center of your whole life. Don't become so involved in it you and everyone else in your life are consumed with nothing but your problem.

  Never use your problem as an excuse for bad attitudes or behavior.

  If you are enrolled in a program, attend the program and complete the course. Then when it is over, you should “graduate” and get on with your life. Don't spend the rest of your time on this earth centering your attention on something that needs to be faced, dealt with, then put behind you once and for all.

  Be Transfigured by the Word

  And all of us, as with unveiled face, [because we] continued to behold [in the Word of God] as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another; [for this comes] from the Lord [Who is] the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18

  Another danger of the co-dependency recovery groups is their tendency to label as sickness what is really sin. The Bible does not teach that addictions are sicknesses, but they are sins. They are areas which have been allowed to get out of balance — areas which are not being submitted to the fruit of self-control and which must be brought under control through the help of the Holy Spirit.

  There may be rare cases in which some addictive behavior is due to a chemical imbalance or some other physical problem, but those are not the majority of situations. If that door is left open, almost everyone would rather think their problem was something they could not control, rather than taking responsibility for their actions.

  If you are involved in or affected by something that is sinful, you need to acknowledge that sin, confess it to God, ask for forgiveness, repent of it, then get on with your life. You don't have to spend the rest of your life feeling guilty. You can be forgiven and completely restored by the mercy and power of God.

  I realize that breaking addictions such as alcoholism, drug use, sexual perversion, eating disorders, gambling, etc., is not easy, but I sincerely believe the pattern for deliverance is the same as it is for any other problem or sin. Breaking strong addictions may require extra support from loved ones or additional help from the Holy Spirit, but total deliverance will come by following the Holy Spirit's leading and refusing to live in bondage.

  If we are not careful, we will do as carnal people and find an excuse for our sins. The only people who are going to reach spiritual maturity are those who are willing to look into the Word of God, see themselves as they are, then allow the Holy Spirit to lead and guide them in changing that image.

  Be Doers of the Word and Not Hearers Only

  But be doers of the Word [obey the message], and not merely listeners to it, betraying yourselves [into deception by reasoning contrary to the Truth].

  For if anyone only listens to the Word without obeying it and being a doer of it, he is like a man who looks carefully at his [own] natural face in a mirror;

  For he thoughtfully observes himself, and then goes off and promptly forgets what he was like.

  But he who looks carefully into the faultless law, the [law] of liberty, and is faithful to it and perseveres in looking into it, being not a heedless listener who forgets but an active doer [who obeys], he shall be blessed in his doing (his life of obedience). James 1:22-25

  If you and I are to be free from our bondage, whatever it may be, we must become doers of the Word and not hearers only. Otherwise we are deceiving ourselves by going contrary to the truth.

  It is the truth and the truth alone that will set us free. In order for that truth to work in our lives, we must be responsible. We cannot try to excuse away our sins and weaknesses. Instead, we must become bond servants to God and not to our human nature. We must be dependent upon the Lord and not upon ourselves, other people, or things.

  There are benefits to be derived from emotional healing recovery groups if they are scripturally sound and are led by people who are mature. These benefits include the opportunity to talk with others who are going through or have been through the same type of experience. This kind of shared experience and mutual understanding seem to be important to those who are hurting.

  People seem to be comfortable talking with me about their abuse because they know I have been where they are. Frequently they tell me that it gives them hope to know that someone made it through all the pain and misery and is now whole.

  It is also good to have a set time each week dedicated to facing some of these deeper issues. It prevents people from pushing them into the background and pretending they are not there. It is good to be accountable to others, and a Holy Spirit-filled, Holy Spirit-led group can provide that atmosphere of non-judgmental accountability.

  Healing can also come directly from the Holy Spirit and the Word of God. It does not have to come through any other agent. If God chooses to use an individual or group, that is His choice. But it is important to be sure it is His choice and not a desperate attempt to get help at any cost.

  Satan is waiting to destroy those who are already wounded. Often emotionally bruised people are easily deceived. They are hurting so badly, they are likely to cling to anyone and anything that offers them help.

  I may sound a bit overprotective, but I would rather be aggressively cautious than see people deceived and brought into worse bondage than they are already in.

  The bottom line is this: God is your Helper. He is your Healer. He has a personalized plan for your deliverance. Make sure you know what it is, then begin to walk through it one step at a time.

  Don't let your wounded emotions control your decision in these matters. Follow peace and walk in wisdom!

  10

  Restoring the Inner Child

  Another one of the things we have heard a great deal about in recent years is the inner child. I believe that every healthy adult ought to have a child within. By that I mean that each individual should be responsible, yet lighthearted.

  Growing Up Too Fast

  And He called a little child to Himself and put him in the midst of them,

  And said, Truly I say to you, unless you repent (change, turn about) and become like little children [trusting, lowly, loving, forgiving], you can never enter the kingdom of heaven [at all]. Matthew 18:2,3

  Do you feel in your childhood you were forced to grow up too fast? If so, you should know that happens to a lot of people. When it does, they lose something, and that loss is detrimental to their adulthood.

  As adults we should be able to accomplish things in our lives without feeling burdened. We should be responsible and yet lighthearted enough to enjoy our daily lives, even our work, as we read in Ecclesiastes 5:18: Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is for one to eat and drink, and to find enjoyment in all the labor in which he labors under the sun all the days which God gives him — for this is his [allotted] part.

  In fact, I believe we should be able to enjoy every single thing we do.

  Some years ago this fact was brought to my attention because I realized I was past forty years of age, married with four children, and yet I could not say I had ever really enjoyed very much of my life.

  John 10:10 tells us Jesus said He
came to this earth so that you and I might have life and enjoy it to the full.

  Some time ago, I did a series titled “The Lost Art of Enjoying Life,” then recently wrote a book on the subject, Enjoying Where You Are on the Way to Where You Are Going. I really think we have forgotten how to enjoy life. We need to learn how to be childlike, because if there is one thing a child knows how to do it is enjoy — anything and everything. But when a child is forced to grow up too quickly without being permitted to act out his childhood, the result is often tremendous emotional problems.

  I believe people today force their children to grow up too fast. The parents are so anxious for their children to learn to read, write, and get a head start on life, they don't allow them just to be kids. Somewhere we have arrived at the mistaken idea that the more we can cram into a child's mind, the smarter and more happy and successful he will be in school and in life.

  Now I am not against educating children! Youngsters should be encouraged to learn quickly and easily and to excel in their studies. But they should not be forced to take on responsibilities beyond their years. They need an opportunity to just be themselves and enjoy life before taking on the heavy burdens of adulthood.

  In my own case, I hated childhood. I desperately wanted to grow up so that no one could ever push me around or mistreat me. Whatever childhood was supposed to be, it was stolen from me. What I had as a replacement I did not like or want. So I grew up knowing nothing about being childlike. My memories of being a child were very painful to me.

  That's what abuse does: it robs a person of his childhood. The same thing happens when a child is saddled with a responsibility too heavy for him to bear at his age. He may have to take care of a sick parent or fill the place of a missing mother or father in the family. He may be forced to go to work outside the home sooner than he should.

  I started working at about age thirteen. I lied about my age, saying I was sixteen. I did it because I needed to take care of myself, to earn my own money so that I wouldn't have to ask anyone for anything. I was determined that nobody was going to give me anything for nothing, because I didn't want to feel obligated to anyone.

  I had a worker personality, and still do. The natural worker in me, plus the abuse I suffered, turned me into a workaholic. I felt comfortable, happy, and fulfilled only when I was working and accomplishing something. I didn't know how to relax and enjoy anything.

  If I had work to do, I was never able to quit until it was finished. I had not yet learned that work is never really finished. There is always something that needs to be done. Now I have learned to work until quitting time then leave whatever I am doing for the next day.

  If you and I don't do that, we open ourselves up to burnout. And once we get burned out, it is very hard to recover.

  Not being permitted to play will steal a person's childhood and his enjoyment of adulthood.

  For some reason I was made to feel guilty on those rare occasions in childhood when I did play. I always had the feeling I shouldn't be doing it, that I ought to be hard at work. That feeling damaged me. It took me years to get to the point of not feeling guilty if I was having a good time.

  One night a few years ago, my son asked me to stop working and come sit down and watch a movie with him on television. I wanted to do that. I wanted to pop some popcorn, open up a couple of sodas, and sit down to enjoy a movie with my son. But I had such a nagging sense of guilt I couldn't enjoy it.

  Finally I said to myself, “What's my problem? There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I need to spend time with my children like this. The movie is clean, the popcorn is low-fat, and the soda is diet. Why do I feel so guilty?”

  The Lord said to me, “Joyce, you didn't do everything today you thought you should do. And you didn't do everything today the way you think you should have done it. Therefore you feel like you don't deserve to have any fun.”

  My problem was thinking I had to deserve every bit of fun, enjoyment, or blessing that came my way. I needed to learn about God's free gift, His grace and favor.

  The good things that come to us in this life are given to us by the Lord. (See James 1:17.) He wants to give them to us. He wants us to enjoy life to the fullest, even when we don't entirely deserve it.

  We need to be delivered from our guilt complex, from thinking we have to deserve God's gifts to us. We think we have to earn everything, but God wants us to know we only have to receive and enjoy them in thanksgiving and gratitude.

  If we are not enjoying life as we should, the reason is that the devil is trying to steal our joy. One way he does that is by destroying the child in each of us.

  Satan Is Out To Destroy the Child

  … And the dragon stationed himself in front of the woman who was about to be delivered, so that he might devour her child as soon as she brought it forth.

  And she brought forth a male Child, One Who is destined to shepherd (rule) all the nations with an iron staff (scepter), and her Child was caught up to God and to His throne.

  And the woman [herself] fled into the desert (wilderness), where she has a retreat prepared [for her] by God, in which she is to be fed and kept safe. … Revelation 12:4-6

  When I began to do a Scripture study of this subject, I saw that Satan is always out to destroy the child. And God is always trying to protect the child.

  This principle applies not only to actual children and to the promised Christ Child, but also to the inner child in each one of us. Unless we have a healthy child within us, we cannot play and enjoy life the way God intends.

  My husband is a wonderful man, a mighty man of valor. Yet he has a big kid in him. He has always been able to have fun and enjoy everything he does. I used to want to be that way. But I wasn't willing to just cut loose, let go, and enjoy myself.

  Dave has always been good about going to the grocery store with me. We would go only every two weeks or so, and because we had a certain, limited amount of money to spend, I had to shop very wisely and carefully.

  There I would be with my grocery list, coupons, calculator, my three kids, and my husband, really intense about getting the best deal on everything. The truth is, at that time in my life I was pretty intense about everything. But where I was too intense, too “adult” in my attitude and behavior, Dave was just the opposite. He had all the characteristics of a child. He could even have fun in the grocery store!

  Characteristics of a Child

  … and a little child shall lead them. Isaiah 11:6

  When studying this material, I wrote down two or three pages of notes about the characteristics of a child. One of them is that a child has fun no matter what he does.

  Regardless of what a child does, he can manage to find a way to have a good time. He can be punished and made to stand in a corner, and he will make a game out of it by doing something like counting the flowers on the wallpaper.

  When my son was younger, I asked him to sweep off the patio, so he took a broom and went outside. Since he really didn't want to do that job, he grumbled a little bit. But a few minutes later I looked out and saw him dancing with the broom. He was sweeping all right, but he was having a good time while he was doing it.

  That's where you and I fail as adults. We have all kinds of mundane things to do, things we hate and dread and just want to get over with, but we don't allow ourselves to enjoy them.

  Included in this list are religious duties, things we think we are supposed to do to be good Christians. If we approach them as obligations, they become chores rather than privileges.

  God wants us to learn how to enjoy these things and to enjoy Him. He wants us to enjoy prayer, Bible study, and going to church, just as He wants us to enjoy our spouse, children, family, home, and everything else in life. He wants us to enjoy cleaning house, washing the car, mowing the lawn, and all those other things that we do while thinking to ourselves, “Boy, I'll be glad when this is over so I can do something fun.”

  For too long we have put off enjoying life. God wants us to enjoy
everything — even going to the grocery store.

  Having Fun

  I know that there is nothing better for them than to be glad and to get and do good as long as they live;

  And also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor — it is the gift of God. Ecclesiastes 3:12,13

  So Dave would go to the grocery store with me to have fun. He would chase the kids up and down the aisles with the shopping cart. Since I was so concerned about appearance and reputation, I would try to get him to stop.

  “Will you quit making a scene?” I would say. “Everybody's looking at us!”

  Then he would answer, “If you don't be quiet, I'll chase you with the cart.” Then he would start after me, and I would really get upset. But even then, he wouldn't let me make him mad. Instead he would think up some other way to amuse himself and the kids.

  Since he is six feet, five inches tall, he can see over the aisles I can't. He would see me in the next aisle — all intense with my coupons, calculator, and cart — and throw something over the top of the aisle aiming at the cart.

  One time I got so upset with him I yelled, “Would you please stop it! You're driving me nuts!”

  “Oh, for crying out loud, Joyce,” he said. “I'm just trying to have a little fun.”

  “Well, I didn't come here to have fun,” I answered honestly. “I came to get groceries. I want to get them off the shelf, put them in the cart, take them to the checkout stand, haul them out to the trunk of the car, take them home, and put them in the cupboard.”

  I had my plan all laid out. But in that plan I had not allowed for any fun.