Loved by Lance-a-lot

by ChaShiree M.

  “What the hell are you talking about Araya?” I am trying to remain calm but she better explain fast before I lose my shit.

  “I saw you. I saw you with that blonde bitch. How could you? How could you do this to us. We were going to be a family.” It takes me a second to realize she must have been across the street at the tattoo shop and saw me with Kass. The thing is, I could understand her having a question or two, but it's the accusation that is gutting me. After all this time and how much I have put into proving to her that, to me, she and our daughter and our life together means more than life to me, how could she even think to accuse me of something that would destroy EVERYTHING!?!?

  “I don’t know what you think you saw, but who gives a fuck? Is that what you think of me, Ray? After all we have been through you think I would cheat on you? Jesus!! I know you have problems with trusting men, but FUCK Ray. What more can I do?” I yell back at her, running my hands through my head as the frustration and wrist-slitting pain rips through my chest. I look at her and even with her arms crossed and her face so sad and fueled by what she deems my betrayal, she has never looked more beautiful but it’s not enough anymore. “It won’t ever be enough, will it? Nothing I do will ever be enough for you to give me 100% of you? God. I thought we had made it, Ray. I thought you understood that you are my oxygen. My goddamn air, Araya. I fucking injected you into my blood and made your presence in my aura, vital for my very existence. But it’s not enough and you know what, I’m done. I am done killing myself to prove how much I love you. I am done tiptoeing around you in the hopes that you will no longer doubt me. I am done. You won, Ray. You finally got what you wanted all along. To prove you were right. You know what the sad thing is…. Our daughter deserves better from you.” With my hands in my pants pocket and my head down, I walk down the street not sure where I am going but knowing I need to get away.

  I am not sure how long I walk or how I end up at the train station, but I find myself on the train heading back to Karis. Shit. I left my car there. Who gives a fuck about a car? I left my life back there.

  10

  Araya

  “What did you do Araya?” I say to myself over and over. “Maybe it wasn’t.” No. I saw what I saw. I mean, I suppose it could have...I don’t know. The more I think about it, the more I am not sure what I saw. I know I saw him kiss her, but could it have been innocent? “Oh God.” I cry out sobbing into the pillow on the bed. I can still smell him from the other night and that makes this more excruciating. I rub my stomach, tears still running down my face as I think about what my life was supposed to be. Is he right? Is this my fault? I mean I know what I saw, but is it possible I overthought some of it? I don’t know. All I know is that I fucking miss him. He was...everything to me. I have spent so much time in my life, waiting for people and expecting them to let me down. Other than Vanessa, it has always been me. When I met Travis, everything in me began to change. I started to believe in love and men. No. That’s not true. I started to believe in Travis. The way he spoke to me, held me, looked me in my eyes when we made love. Hell, the way he kissed me made me see stars. How could a man who made me feel all of that, do what I am accusing him of doing?

  “How long have you been up?” Vanessa asks me as she walks into the room. Noting that she is in clothes and not pajamas, I sit up remembering she is supposed to go pick up Lily from the hospital today.

  “I have no clue. I just keep going over it and over it in my head. On one hand, I know what I saw. On the other, my heart is telling me I am missing something. Which one can be trusted though, Pumpkin?” I ask her, more tears coming down my face. At this rate, I don’t need to be sobbing for the tears to flow freely. My heart is crying without my help.

  “You are doubting it because deep down you know Travis is nothing like any man we know. You know he loves you and my niece more than himself. He would not do this.” I hang my head knowing she is right but not able to come up with another explanation. I need to not think about this for a second. For a teeny tiny second, before I fall apart and never come back together. “What time are you going to get Lily?” I ask her changing the subject.

  “I did already. She is in the third bedroom sleeping. We got back about twenty minutes ago. I fixed her a sandwich and she wanted to sleep since she says she didn’t sleep well in the hospital.”

  “You got her already? What time is it?” Hell. How long have I been out?

  “It’s noon.” Well hell. My stomach begins to grumble, and I rub it sighing, knowing I have to feed my daughter.

  “Come downstairs with me while I feed my tummy?” I ask her, putting on my sweats.

  “Of course.” We walk down the stairs and fix ourselves a sandwich as we chat about anything but my situation. Just as we are finishing up the doorbell rings. My heart begins to do jumping jacks believing it is Travis.

  “He came back.” I let slip as I begin trying to fix my pajamas. Vanessa goes to the door, but the voice I hear isn’t Travis’s. I could pick him out of a lineup blindfolded, with techno music playing. Walking into the room I am more than shocked to see Dr. LaSalle at the door along with another man. Looking at my sister, I note she is upset, with her arms crossed. “Vanessa is everything ok?” I ask her.

  “NO! Everything is not ok. This arrogant, thinks he knows everything, jerk, is trying to take Lily out of here.”

  “What! Why would you do that?” I ask him, with my hand on my hip.

  “I told you and your sister the other day she was coming home with me. She is my responsibility now. Please move and let me wake her.” He takes a step toward the stairs and Vanessa and I both move in front of him. I can see his jaw grinding as he tries to remain calm. The guy he brought with him, that hasn’t stopped staring at my sister since I have been in the room, reaches out and grabs his arm.

  “Mark. Maybe we should come back. Give…” He stops and quirks his eyebrow at Vanessa asking her what to call her.

  “Vanessa. My name is Vanessa.” She says, face red, eyes down.

  “Vanessa.” He whispers. Like he is saying something sacred. “We should leave and let Vanessa have time to talk to Lily. Considering what she has been through, it should be her choice. Don’t you think? You don’t want to be another controlling man in her life. Do you?” Mark begins to deflate thinking about what his friend said.

  “I would never hurt her, Pedro. She was brought to my E.R. that night because she is meant to be mine. I want to protect her from the asshole whose life I am going to take. Jesus, Pedro. You know.” He says to his friend running his hands through his hair.

  “Yes. I do know.” Pedro responds looking right at Vanessa. “Look, give Vanessa your number and let her call you when she has had time to figure this all out. How does that sound?” He says to the both of them. They both nod their heads and exchange numbers. Once they have left, I can’t help but feel disappointed that it wasn’t Travis. Have I lost everything? Forever?

  The next few hours, I alternate between sleep and crying. I manage to eat, remembering that I have a little person inside of me, counting on me for nutrients. Just like my mood, at about five in the evening it begins to rain, and Lily comes downstairs.

  “Oh hi.” She says using her other hand to wipe her hair out of her face.

  “Hi sweetie. I don’t know if you remember me, but I am Miss Rubias’s older sister Araya. I was with her when she came and got you from behind the bleachers.”

  “Oh right. Thank you. I...I didn’t know who else to call.” She says clearly saddened by needing help.

  “It’s ok. We are happy to help. Do you want to talk about it?” I learned early on that it can sometimes make it easier to deal when we get it out.

  “Not right now. But thank you. Where is Miss Rubias?”

  “She is upstairs napping. I am sure she will be down soon. Can I get you anything?” She looks down at my stomach.

  “You’re pregnant.”

  “I am.” I say patting my busy baby. “Doesn’t mean I can’t coo
k.” Laughing as I walk over to the refrigerator.

  “Uh… I could go for some eggs. Scrambled.” She whispers sitting on the stool. Actually, eggs do sound good. Pulling them out, looking out the window as the storm bellows, lightning flashes and thunder rolling, I smile. I have always loved storms. They have been a great reflection of my life and have given me reason to sleep sometimes. I am about to drop the eggs into the skillet when the doorbell rings again.

  “Geez. Dr. LaSalle sure doesn’t give up does he.” I say out loud to myself. Walking to the door, I open it. Gasping, I tighten my grip. Standing in the rain, wet, and eyes filled with trepidation, anger, and pain is Travis. Even with all of that, the thing I see that matters more than anything else is ...Love. “Travis.” My hand goes to my mouth as I sob his name.

  “Done with this shit baby. I fucking love you Ray and you love me. So, what the hell are we doing?” He asks with his arms open. Not bothering with thoughts or questions or anything, I run into his arms, surrounded by the storm that was rolling inside of me, but quickly being replaced by sunshine. In his arms, I’m home.

  11

  Lansing

  I spent the night staring at the ceiling, feeling sorry for myself. Part of me was pissed that she would think something so low of me. That these past five months have meant nothing to her. That my actions and words have been in vain. My body numb from the heartbreak couldn't find it in itself to sleep. Going over and over it in my mind trying to figure out what else I could have done. The truth is…. nothing. She is so jaded and has been so hurt by the very people who were supposed to love, protect, and show her what real love is. It’s no wonder she even gave me the time of day.

  When I could no longer lay in the bed, I got up and looked around the condo, pieces of her everywhere. Clothes she had strewn about the floor while packing for the weekend. Boxes filled with baby stuff as we were preparing to set up the baby’s room. Pictures of the two of us all over the place, smiling, hugging each other. Even some of us kissing. This life, our life, evidence of what is meant to be. Suddenly, I knew. There is no way I could let her push me away. Not even with fucked up accusations like this one. But I needed something more. One last thing to prove that this is forever.

  With newfound determination, I take a shower and get dressed. Once I am shaved and clean, I call Terry.

  “Lansing. Been a while. I thought you had forgotten about me.”

  “Nah. My fiancé decided she wasn’t ready, so I had to wait. But I am done waiting. Is it still available?”

  “The one you wanted, yes. Price is still the same as well.”

  “Excellent. You should receive the payment from my accountant within the hour. We’ll meet in say, an hour and a half to sign papers and get the keys?”

  “Sounds good. I will see you then. Oh, and Lansing, congratulations!!!” I hang up feeling good about the decision I made. Terry is a friend from high school. She is also a real estate agent here in town and a few months ago I had commissioned her to find Ray and I a house. When I mentioned it to Ray, she tried to seem as if she was calm, but I saw the panic in her eye at something so permanent even though she was already pregnant and that is as permanent as it comes. So, I put the search on hold…. sort of. I told Terry to continue to send me listings to my job. She did. When this six-bedroom, four-bathroom house came across my desk, I knew that was it. Now, it’s ours.

  “Shit.” I spit out walking outside the door. I forgot I left my car in Savannah. Damn it. Walking back inside the door, noticing that the sky seems a bit dark and gray, I call the car service from work and request a ride. Takes less than thirty minutes for them to come. However, considering the time of day, and the weather, we are going to be stuck in traffic. Great. I close my eyes and lean my head back, telling myself that I can be just a bit more patient. “You are going to get her. She is not going to get away from you again.” With that thought, I lean back and take a few deep breaths. Everything will be right again.

  I wake up with a jolt, the thunder causing me to jump as I wake from a nightmare. My time in the service, as short as it was, still gets to me sometimes. Feeling my phone vibrate, I check it and see it is a voicemail from the auction guy. Apparently, I won both bids from the other night. I smile, happy to have yet another piece of evidence that our life was ordained for us. I look out the window and note we are pulling up to the house, the rain making it almost impossible to see anything. I get out of the car, getting soaked the moment I step out and I barely recognize it. The only thing I can think of is that my woman and baby are on the other side of that door. Ringing the bell, I almost fall to my knees when it opens. Standing there looking every bit the goddess I have always seen her as, is my future. If it wasn’t for the whispered, “Travis” that leaves her mouth as her hand flies up to cover the sob, I would be on the ground begging her to come back to me. It is clear however, that she has been just as miserable as me. Not bothering with pomp and circumstance and all the other shit, I simply say what I am feeling.

  “Done with this shit baby. I fucking love you Ray, and you love me. So, what the hell are we doing?” I ask her with my arms wide open letting her know she doesn’t have to say anything. She cries for a second before running into my arms holding and squeezing me. Trying to be sure not to squeeze my daughter, I hold her, sniffing her hair and neck, giving thanks that she is once again where she belongs.

  “I’m so sorry Travis. I love you so much. I don't know…”

  “Shhh. It’s ok baby. I know. I love you too Araya. You know that, don’t you?” The question leaves me as I rub the back of her head. I rock her back and forth, wanting to calm her down so she doesn’t upset the baby.

  “I do. I know that. I don’t know what came over me. Oh God! How can you still love me after that? I don’t...I don’t know...Travis please... please don’t leave me.” She cries into my chest, sobbing so hard her body is shaking. I want nothing more than to calm her down. Hearing her breakdown like this is killing me. But somehow, I feel like she needs this. Moving us further into the house where it is warm and not raining, I pick her up, kicking the door closed behind us and sitting on the couch. My mind working overtime trying to decide how to handle this. I am about to take her upstairs and sit her on my cock...that always helps ...when a voice I don’t recognize enters the room.

  “Araya did you want me to ...Oh! I’m sorry I didn’t know you had company. I’ll just ...” She begins to ascend the stairs when Ray lifts her tear soaked face up from my chest.

  “Lily, wait. I’m sorry. Lily this is my.... Travis. Travis this is Lily.” I feel the scowl form on my face as she stumbles over the word fiancé in the introduction. It pisses me off. Leaning forward extending my hand, I wait for the young lady, covered in bruises and bandages to take it.

  “Nice to meet you Lily. I am her fiancé. Do you mind me asking what happened to you?” My instincts have kicked in looking at this young girl who obviously is being abused. I want to beat the shit out of whoever did this to her. I also want to make sure someone is not going to be coming for my woman and her sister either. Then it clicks. She is the girl they went and got from the school. The one I called the lawyer about even though neither of them asked me to.

  “Uh… it doesn’t matter. I was only here for the night. Good night.” She makes a beeline for the stairs clearly scared to divulge any information.

  “Lily wait!” Ray calls out. “I promise he is not going to hurt you. He was asking out of concern for all of us. It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it. I just want you to know he is not going to hurt you. Ok?” She looks at Ray and then back at me. Fidgeting and biting her lip, I can see the sadness in her eyes, and I feel like shit that even for one second she thought I was being an ass. “Are you still hungry?” Ray asks her standing up from my lap. Instantly I feel bereft. Like something has been taken from me. My arms empty and protesting the feeling. I have to stop myself from pulling her back into me.

  “Yeah. I kind of am.”

  �
�Well both of you are in luck. I am starving as well. Why don’t I make us some pasta and a salad, and we can all sit together and eat? Baby where is Vanessa?” It just dawned on me; she wasn’t down here.

  “Right here. Glad to see you’re back big bro.” She says, hugging me.

  “You know I wasn’t going to be gone for too long.” The rest of the evening goes pretty typical. We eat while talking about nothing serious. Well, until Vanessa tells Lily about some doctor named Mark that apparently is trying to deem himself her guardian of some sort. Now I need to look into this demanding ass. I tell the ladies what the lawyer said about only being able to prove her father unfit and turning guardianship over to Vanessa if Lily testifies against him. She seems to give it all some thought before turning in to go to sleep. I know that Ray and I could leave, but if she is anything like me, she didn’t sleep last night. Deciding we both need to rest; we clean up downstairs and go upstairs to...sleep. Eventually.

  12

  Araya

  “Take your clothes off and get on the bed Ray.” Travis’s voice leaves no room for questions. My body begins to shake, knowing what is coming. It’s more than that. It missed him.

  “Why?” I ask, trying to hide my smirk. I know why and I am more than ready for it. But the latina in me can’t help but push his buttons. Even as I begin pulling my top off.

  “You forgot who you belong to for a second. I need to remind you.” He has already removed his clothes, his hands gripping his cock as he licks his lips and hones in on me. Everything in me is lit up right now knowing I am going to have his hands and mouth touching me. Removing the last of my clothes, I lay back on the bed, legs spread, hands rubbing my stomach with my chest heaving up and down as I try not to squirm. The bed dips as his knees and hands sink into it, his body sliding over mine, caging me under him. “Mmm. Baby I can smell your honey pot leaking. You want something, Ray?” He asks, his mouth centimeters from my neck as he sniffs me. I inhale, trying to catch my breath so maybe I can answer him. No luck. I find myself nodding, unable to find the words or air. “You have to tell me baby. I need to hear the words. I almost lost you. I need to hear you say it, so I know this is real.” His eyes conveying the pain he felt yesterday. I let the tear that has been hidden finally fall as I allow the pain from him to sink into me. I deserve to be encumbered in his heartbreak. To feel the sorrow he felt, the darkness he was caged in, to make the light currently surrounding me with his presence, darken a bit.