The Shortest Distance Between Love & Hate

by Sandy Hall

  “Is there something I can do?” I ask. “I’m serious.”

  “You could apologize to Henry.”

  “I did,” I say.

  “What? When? Why haven’t I heard about it?”

  “I sent him a message on Facebook.”

  She snorts. “My Henry Lai doesn’t have Facebook. So you apologized to some random Korean kid named Henry Lai. Did they write back?”

  “No,” I say, scowling at the ground. “To be fair, I haven’t seen him in four years. But oh man. I swear I tried. I could show you the message.”

  She’s laughing, whether at me or at the situation or something completely different, it’s hard to tell.

  “I’ll give you that,” she says. “You tried. No denying it.”

  We’re almost at the dorm now, and I know there are other things I want to say to her, other topics I want to broach. This is the first time since before she found out who I really was that I’ve felt like I had her attention, like I might be able to say something and make her listen.

  “I really am sorry about all that stuff,” I say. It’s an incomplete thought and an imperfect saying but it’s the best I can do at the moment. “About the middle school stuff and about what I did the first weekend of school.”

  “I’m sorry about everything I’ve done this semester,” she says.

  “I accept your apology.” I wait a beat. “Do you accept mine?”

  “Yeah, I’m almost there. It’s just, you were a dick. You were a real dick back then. You were so into making life miserable for Henry. And it felt like there was nothing anyone could do about it.”

  “I always expected him to tell on me.”

  “That’s not like Henry,” she says. “He would never dream of it. He flies under the radar. All he wants is for people to leave him alone.”

  “Where is he? Where’s he go to college?”

  “Penn State. He’s going to be an engineer of course. I tried to convince him to go here, but he really wanted to go farther away. He had his eyes on Boston, but Penn gave him more money.”

  “Good for him,” I say. And I mean it. “I didn’t let myself think too much about him over the years. I did feel guilty.”

  “Well, at least you’re not a sociopath.”

  I have to laugh since that’s the word I used for her earlier. But I decide against mentioning it, mostly because I’m not prepared to feel her wrath. It’s too nice to just talk to her.

  We’re nearly at the dorm now and I’m running out of steam.

  She slides her key card and lets us in. We head for the stairs.

  “Thanks again for helping me.”

  “You’re welcome again,” she says as we get to the second-floor landing.

  “You didn’t actually say you’re welcome earlier,” I point out.

  “Well then, you’re welcome now. Seriously. Anytime. I’m happy to help. Nobody deserves to fail calculus.”

  “Not even me?” I ask.

  “Not even you, Farter.”

  I laugh. “Night, Parsley.”

  “Night.”

  And then she’s gone, through the door to the stairs. I watch her through the little window. Before she starts to ascend, she looks back. I can’t tell if she can see me, but I like knowing that she looked back.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  -PAISLEY-

  It’s Halloween and I’m stuck at work. I get all the worst shifts anyway, so it’s not like I’m shocked. I guess I’m mostly shocked that Carter isn’t here with me. Misery loves company and all that. Instead I’m on with a guy named Derek whom I’d never met before, and he’s spent most of the very quiet shift hitting on one of the girls who works in the weight area.

  The good news is that at least Carter and I are getting a break from each other. The bad news is that I think I might actually miss him. That’s really bad news. Our little jaunt to the library was already a week ago, and between work and class, I’ve seen him almost every day since. You’d think I’d want a break. I may or may not have had a fairly illicit dream about his lips three nights in a row.

  Or maybe I just miss having someone to sit at the desk with.

  Yeah, that’s probably it.

  I try to make eye contact with my desk mate, but Derek is really good at avoiding eye contact when he wants to.

  I could use a bathroom break, and even though it’s super quiet, I know I shouldn’t leave the desk completely unattended.

  So I wait.

  I consider my options. I could page Derek back to the desk. I could go into the weight room and ask him to cover the desk for a few minutes. That thing could happen where sometimes you suddenly just don’t have to pee anymore. I could take my chances and run to the bathroom, leaving the desk unattended.

  I decide to text my friends.

  Starting with Lizzie. But it turns out she’s currently in Ohio seeing her boyfriend Cameron, and I don’t want to interrupt them. Not for my silly complaints. They don’t deserve that.

  I text Madison, but her only response is to send me a mirror selfie of her dressed as Wonder Woman.

  I text Henry, but all he wants to do is complain about people being loud in his hallway while he’s trying to study for an organic chemistry test he has next week.

  I check the clock. It’s still only nine thirty.

  This night is so boring it might drag on forever. I don’t know why the gym would bother staying open until eleven on Halloween night when everyone is obviously out partying. Although there’s a guy here on the treadmill wearing a dinosaur mask, so that’s fun. Should I stop him? Is that unsafe? It seems like he might not be able to see very well.

  Paisley: There’s a guy on the treadmill wearing a Tyrannosaurus rex mask. Do you think I should talk to him?

  Henry: I wish I had a Tyrannosaurus rex mask.

  Paisley: That wasn’t the question.

  Henry: Maybe? I don’t know. I gave up on studying, and I’m going to a Halloween party that the Society of Asian American Engineers is throwing.

  Paisley: Do I have the wrong number? Who is this, really?

  Henry: Haha. So funny.

  Paisley: Who’s being funny? I’m legitimately confused/concerned. You. Henry. Are going to a party?

  Henry: Might as well. I’m not going to get any work done.

  Paisley: Are you going to dress up?

  Henry: One of the girls in my hall is loaning me her soccer uniform. So I’m going as a female World Cup soccer winner or something.

  Paisley: I don’t understand anything that’s happening. I think my phone is broken. Or maybe it’s suddenly able to text with people in alternate universes. This can’t be Henry Lai that I’m talking to. My Henry Lai doesn’t dress up and go to Halloween parties. And why a female soccer player?

  Henry: Why not? And also, she’s the only one who’s around who had an idea when I asked if I could borrow something. I look cute in these shorts.

  Paisley: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FRIEND.

  Henry: Do you want to see a picture?

  Paisley: I honestly can’t imagine anything I want more in this world, Henry.

  -CARTER-

  It’s Halloween and I should have plans. Ray even invited me to the party his brother is throwing. I kind of lied and told him that I needed to do homework. I’ll make it up to him.

  It’s not a complete lie. I do need to get homework done. The thing is, I could have easily gotten it done before going out.

  And instead of doing anything productive, I’m thinking about Paisley. Wondering what she’s up to tonight. I know she had to work.

  Maybe I should casually stop by. I know they’re showing the original Halloween at midnight in the field behind the fitness center. It’s going to be cold, but there’s something so creepy about an outdoor movie on Halloween.

  Maybe she’d be into it?

  For the first time ever, I wish I had her cell phone number.

  What if I get over to the fitness center and she’s her usual “ew
, Carter” self? I need a cover. I grab my history notes. I never got around to giving them to her. That’s a better excuse than anything else I can come up with.

  Why does everything have to be so hard?

  I look in the mirror and try to pump myself up.

  “You can do this. You blew off Ray to do this. So you gotta suck it up and try.”

  What am I going to tell Ray if he realizes that I’m not home studying?

  I shrug. That’s something for Future Carter to worry about.

  I grab a coat and, at the last second, a sheet to sit on. Even if Paisley doesn’t want to see the movie, maybe I’ll go by myself.

  I head out the door into the cool, breezy night.

  -PAISLEY-

  I hear the door open and someone stands at the desk clearing their throat. I can’t believe I’m being interrupted right in the middle of the most amazing conversation I have ever had. With anyone. Ever. I need to see Henry dressed up for Halloween. But I also need to do my job.

  I look up and it’s Carter. He’s smiling. A lot.

  “I’m very surprised to see you here,” I say, putting my phone facedown on the desk. I want to be able to bask in the glory of the picture when it comes later and not get a spoiler from the little thumbnail on my lock screen.

  “I, um,” he starts. Then he chews his lip. “I brought you my history notes.”

  “Really?” I ask. “On Halloween?”

  He hands them to me and I flip through them. “These are really good notes.” I look up at him. “How did you get so good at taking notes?”

  He blushes. “My mom made me go to this tutoring place after school freshman year. Like every day after school for a month I took a class on study skills. They taught us how to take notes.”

  “I feel like I should take a study skills class now. Do they let college kids into those classes?”

  He grins. “I’m not sure.”

  I flip through the pages again. “It’d probably be worth looking into,” I mutter.

  “Is anyone here with you?” he asks, changing the subject.

  I explain about Derek and the super quiet night. Then we watch the T. rex on the treadmill for a minute.

  “He’s really going for it,” Carter says.

  “He really is.”

  Carter takes his usual seat next to me and a weird, jittery feeling in my chest seems to settle, like things are finally the way they’re supposed to be.

  “Don’t you have somewhere you need to be tonight?” I ask, leaning back in my chair.

  He shrugs. “I was thinking about going to see a scary movie. They’re showing Halloween out on the lawn behind here at midnight.”

  “By yourself?”

  “I don’t know. I thought maybe you’d want to come.”

  “Why?”

  -CARTER-

  I was actually prepared for this question. I figured pretty much anything I asked Paisley to do tonight would be met with a question like this.

  I suck in a deep breath.

  “Just seems like something friends do,” I say.

  She nods. “If we’re going to be friends, I think I need to know a few things first.”

  “You know, I had the biggest crush on you back then,” I say. That’s probably not what she was wondering about, but it seems like something I want her to know.

  “Well, that can’t be true. Twelve-year-old Paisley spit when she talked, had permanent halitosis, and the same approximate temperament as a honey badger.”

  I shrug. “Well, you’ve changed a little, sure. We all have.”

  “But have you really?” she asks.

  “Oh, come on, Paisley. I’m a changed man from middle school. You can see that, right? That I’ve grown up? I thought we went through this all the other night on our walk back from the library.”

  She sighs. “I don’t understand why of all the people you could pick on, you would pick on Henry. He was just trying to make it through the day without a panic attack. Maybe if you explain what happened? I can’t imagine Henry provoking you, but…” She shrugs and lets the thought trail off.

  “I guess I lashed out. I felt threatened and I needed to take it out on him. It’s hard to feel vulnerable.”

  “Wait, what?”

  I shrug. “I don’t like feeling vulnerable.”

  “No, no. The part about feeling threatened by Henry. What would Henry do that would make you feel threatened?”

  “You don’t know? He never told you what happened?”

  “Um, no. Definitely not.”

  “Oh. Well, that’s unexpected. So, seventh grade was rough. I hate excuses so I won’t go into the details, but I was having a lot of family issues.”

  “That can be rough,” she says.

  “It was. And I was crying in the bathroom one day. And Henry walked in. He was really nice about it, of course. He honestly made me feel better. But in that moment, I was so scared that people would find out that I was crying at school, I told him he better never tell anyone.”

  “That’s ridiculous; Henry would never tell anyone anything.”

  “I didn’t know that. And as a twelve-year-old, I was terrified. Everything was already the worst. School was the one place that remained okay and untouched. I couldn’t risk it.”

  “So he saw you cry once and you decided to make his life miserable?”

  “Well, no. He walked in on me crying a couple of times. Apparently, we were on a similar bathroom schedule.”

  “You’d have thought you would have learned to cry elsewhere. And not in public if you were so worried.”

  “You’d have thought. But I didn’t. And it was always Henry walking in. And sometimes, outside of the bathroom, he’d ask me if I was okay. Anytime he’d ask, I would make sure to do something to him. To make him pay.”

  “To make him pay for being nice to you?”

  I lean my elbows on my knees. “Paisley, I’m not saying it was logical. I’m not saying this is an excuse. It’s just the story.”

  She scratches her neck and eyes her phone. It’s lying facedown on the desk, and I can tell she’s itching to text Henry, to verify my claims.

  “I don’t know why you would think Henry would tell people about this. He never even told me.”

  “I just can’t believe he never told you. Even after all this time.”

  “That’s how Henry is. He’s amazing. Even when I told him that I made out with you, he didn’t get mad at me. He’s the best friend I could have ever hoped to have.”

  “So would he really be that upset if we, I don’t know, were friends? Were maybe civil to each other? Hung out sometimes when we weren’t at work or studying?”

  She doesn’t respond. She looks away, watching the second hand on the clock above the desk tick away.

  When she still doesn’t say anything, I continue.

  “And after we moved, my mom sent me to a therapist. If that, I don’t know, sweetens the pot for you. Because I was aggressive and I had behavioral issues. It helped. Everything helped. And I grew up. I’m different. Though sometimes I still get a little angry.”

  She stares at me like she’s trying to formulate her next thought. She wants to argue with me, I know she does. But I don’t think I’ve left much room for arguing.

  -PAISLEY-

  The guy in the T. rex mask leaves while I’m thinking. I’ve probably put Carter through enough. I don’t know why I’m even forcing him to say all this. I don’t know why I can’t just … admit that I want to be friends with him.

  (“Friends or more, friends or more!” a little voice in the back of my head chants. “Kiss him! Kiss him!”)

  Then Derek comes out from the weight room, interrupting my train of thought.

  “The big boss man called and said that if there’s no one here at ten o’clock, we can close up and leave.”

  “Oh,” I say. “I don’t think there’s anyone here.”

  “Yeah, Chrissa and I are going to check the basketball courts, and the lifegu
ards say there’s no one at the pool. Why don’t you guys lock the doors so no one else gets in.”

  “Sounds good to me,” I say.

  “And then,” Derek adds, turning back, “we’re going to this haunted hayride. If you want to come?”

  I look over at Carter.

  “Would you be pissed if we skipped the movie? I’ve never actually been on a haunted hayride.”

  “So does that mean we can be friends?” he asks.

  “Yes. Of course.”

  We tell Derek we’ll come and he wanders off to start the closing procedure.

  “I know I’ve said this a couple times now in a bunch of different ways, but for the record, I’m sorry about how I spoke to you after the calc thing,” Carter says.

  “You really don’t have anything to apologize for.”

  “Yeah, but I like to think that I’m less angry today than I used to be. It’s kind of like a twelve-step program, for my rage.” He blushes.

  “You had every right to yell at me,” I say. “I was so way out of line, I couldn’t even see the line. And I’ve been out of line the whole semester. I’m sorry for, like, everything. I can’t really be more specific than that because there’s way too much. I’d be happy to make a list. Maybe create a spreadsheet.”

  Carter laughs and my world tips slightly on its axis, righting itself, bringing everything to sharp relief.

  -CARTER-

  Well, this is a surprising turn of events.

  I’m not sure what to expect from this outing with Chrissa and Derek. And it’s probably better that way. I’m not a big fan of haunted houses, so I hope I don’t start weeping like a baby in the middle of it.

  On the way to the hayride, Paisley and I are in the backseat of Chrissa’s car and she’s laughing at her phone. She tips it toward me.

  It’s a picture of Henry in a soccer uniform. With pigtails.

  Paisley can’t stop laughing.

  “That’s a good look for him.”

  “It is,” she agrees. “Henry isn’t usually very silly, so this. It’s refreshing.” She looks like a proud mama bear.