The Shortest Distance Between Love & Hate

by Sandy Hall

  “So why did you come? Again, not that I’m not happy to see you, but it feels like you’re dancing around something.”

  “Well. You know how we talked the day after Halloween?”

  “Yes…”

  “So I kind of forgot to mention something that morning. Or not forgot. I failed to mention something.”

  “Always so precise,” I say, trying to lighten the mood.

  He twists his fingers in his lap. “I had sex with my calc TA. I had sex with Jana,” he says in a rush. “On Halloween. I can’t believe I did that and I can’t believe I’m here telling you I did that. And I’m racked with guilt about it.”

  I fall back on my bed and cover my face. Henry had sex. I let that sink in. Then I sit back up.

  “You’re judging me,” he says.

  “No, I’m not. I’m taking it in. That’s great, Henry. As long as you think it’s great. But I’m getting the feeling that you don’t think it’s great.”

  “It’s fine. It’s okay. I like her a lot and I wanted to do it. If that’s what you’re asking. I just can’t believe I did that. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “But you did,” I say gently. “I know you, Henry. If you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t have.”

  “I know. You’re right. I wanted to have sex with Jana.”

  “Have you talked to her? Like have you and Jana discussed this?” Her name feels weird in my mouth, like it’s some sacred word I shouldn’t be using. I guess it’s because of how Henry says it, with such reverence.

  “I have.”

  “And are things okay?”

  “Yeah, she likes me too. I told her that we shouldn’t be together because she’s my TA, and she said it was no big deal. That there aren’t any rules about it. But what if she gets fired for fraternizing or something? Then that’s all my fault.”

  “Well, no,” I say. “That’s her own fault. She’s a grown-up. She can make these decisions for herself.”

  “Okay. Yes. But I’m still party to them.”

  “Listen, Henry, you’re obviously a wonderful person and I’m happy that someone likes you. But you’re not so wonderful that she can’t contain herself. That when she’s around you she just wants to rip off your clothes. You’re not … Fabio.”

  “Wow, another timely and humorous pop culture reference from you,” he says.

  “You can be as sarcastic as you want about my timely and humorous pop culture references, but my point still stands. As long as this was consensual on both sides, there’s nothing wrong with what happened.”

  “But it’s unethical!” Henry insists.

  “I know, I know, buckaroo. I know the ethics of it upsets you. But really, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Or it’s only as big of a deal as you make it. If you want it to be a huge deal, that’s fine. But if you want to be with her, to be with Jana, then you need to come to terms with the ethics.”

  He rubs his face. “You’re right. I knew you’d make me feel better.”

  “I made you feel better? Just like that?” I ask, snapping my fingers.

  “Just like that,” he says.

  “So you’re going to leave now?”

  He laughs. “Yeah, you know, I figure I’ll head right back. Twenty minutes with you would be worth the twelve-hour round trip.”

  He stands and stretches before coming to sit next to me on my bed.

  “So, let’s watch whatever movie you were going to watch with Carter, and you can tell me all about how you love him.”

  I hit him with my pillow. “I don’t love him.”

  “Sure, sure, whatever you say.” He grabs my pillow and rolls it behind his neck, making himself comfortable.

  -CARTER-

  In the morning, Ray and I are both home for once. When I wake up, he’s standing in the middle of our room wearing nothing but a towel and staring wide-eyed at his phone.

  I check the time. It’s only nine. I’m not sure how I’m going to make it until this afternoon when I’ll hopefully hear about how my mom’s doctor’s appointment went.

  “Hey, you okay?” I ask, sitting up.

  “What are you up to today?” he asks, still not looking at me.

  “Nothing. I don’t have work or anything.” I wouldn’t have minded spending the day with Paisley, but that was likely a pipe dream even before Henry showed up. “Why, what’s up?”

  He hands me his phone and moves over to his closet to pull on a pair of shorts.

  “What am I looking at?”

  “A group text about the trivia team. One of the guys got mono and he can’t compete today. We really need a stand-in or else we’ll have to forfeit.”

  “I thought you had a ton of alternates or whatever.”

  He pulls a T-shirt over his head. “We did. But I guess they’ve all been making out with each other because they all have mono too. And one of them has to go to a wedding.”

  “Wow. What the hell kind of parties are you guys having? Maybe I don’t want to help you out if all it’s going to get me is mono.”

  “Please, man, I’m begging you here. For some reason, there’s no one else available this weekend on short notice. We need a body.”

  In the spirit of roommate bonding, I say, “Sure. I can be a body. It’ll be a good distraction from waiting around to hear about my mom’s test results.”

  “Oh man, that’s today?” Ray asks, stopping in the middle of whirling around the room and getting ready.

  “Yeah. This is great, though. This is exactly the diversion I need.”

  “Good. Do you own a tie?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you have said tie with you?”

  “Yes.”

  After that, it’s quick work getting dressed, meeting the rest of the team at the dining hall for breakfast, and then getting on the bus.

  “I had no idea there were girls on this team,” I say to Ray as we take our seats.

  “Of course there are girls,” he says, giving me a weird look.

  “You just never mention them.”

  “Weird,” he says. “I’ll have to do better.”

  The bus ride is about an hour, so I scroll through my phone, playing whatever games don’t waste data, and soon enough we’re at the tournament.

  It’s the kind of day that flies by. We move from one round to the next, with barely five minutes to get from one room to another.

  I have trouble keeping up at first, and I definitely make a couple of mistakes, but in the end, I get more questions right than I get wrong, so I’d call that a win. Especially since I don’t embarrass myself too much in the process.

  We place third in our division, which means the team will be going on to the next round.

  Ray high-fives me. “What do you say? You want to join?”

  “Hell, yeah,” I say. “If you guys want me.”

  “Dude, mono can last a long time. We need to make sure you’re prepped and ready for regionals the first weekend of December.”

  I nod. “Sounds good to me.”

  When I finally check my phone, I realize I hadn’t thought once about my mom all day. We had to hand our phones in before the first round and didn’t even get them back during lunch. I texted Thea this morning to let her know I wouldn’t be available but that she should text me no matter what the news was.

  And then I see the words “No disease detected.”

  I scroll through her texts and reread.

  “What’s up with your mom?” Ray asks, reading over my shoulder. I lean so he can read along with me.

  When I don’t say anything, Ray keeps reading. “All the tests showed normal organ function and no disease detected.”

  I’m glad he’s reading because my eyes are blurring with tears. I knew I was worried about this, but it’s like I couldn’t acknowledge how worried I was until right this second. And now, everything is going to be fine.

  Ray gives me a sort of awkward side bro hug, but I appreciate it.

  This is officially the b
est day I’ve had in a long, long time.

  -PAISLEY-

  I feel bad that Henry slept on the floor last night even though Stef never came home. I’ve texted her a couple of times today, but apparently she was just “out.” Which seems weird to me and like she’s pissed off, but I have Henry to deal with.

  We went to the dining hall for breakfast and I made him eat waffles. Then we hung out in the sunshine for a while. And I swear with each passing hour, he became more and more comfortable with the idea of what he did. Like he had been in denial up to that point. I swear I should write a guidebook about the care and keeping of your introverted best friend.

  When we get back to the room that afternoon, Stef has obviously been there but is no longer around.

  “Are you feeling better?” I ask Henry.

  He’s sitting at my desk, preparing to do work. Which seems like a bit much to me on a Saturday afternoon, but he promised that once he did a little bit more homework that we could have a Marvel movie marathon, starting with Captain America: Civil War.

  “Yeah, I think I just needed some distance,” he says.

  “So you’re going to talk to her? Be normal about things? Maybe not run away next time?”

  His cheeks redden. “Yeah. Man, I hope there’s a next time.” He drums his pencil on his book and gets to work.

  I text Stef again, trying to get a gauge on her mood.

  Paisley: So, what are you up to? Henry and I are going to have a movie marathon tonight if you want to join in.

  Stef: Um. Maybe. I’ve been hanging out with Melissa.

  Paisley: Is that where you were last night?!?!

  Stef: Well, Melissa’s apartment, with her and her roommates. Not actually WITH her.

  Paisley: Still good. Is she still with that guy?

  Stef: Yeah.

  Paisley: Too bad.

  Stef: So did you know Henry was coming?

  Paisley: Nope. He showed up on our doorstep like a sad puppy. He’s having an emotional/romantical crisis.

  Stef: Oh. Poor guy. Well. I probably will come back soon. I stopped by earlier to shower, but now I’m exhausted.

  Paisley: Yeah, I noticed you’d been here. What have you been up to?

  Stef: Swim practice, then the mall. Nothing too interesting.

  Paisley: All right. Well, hopefully you’ll be home just in time to watch Bucky and his beautiful hair.

  Stef: Ugh. He has such amazing hair.

  I look over at Henry and realize that his hour of work is almost up. At that moment, he closes his textbook and looks over at me.

  “You pop the popcorn and I’ll go get us sodas?” he asks.

  “Works for me,” I say.

  He steps out of the room.

  -CARTER-

  I’ve been pacing in the hallway in front of Paisley’s room for ten minutes. It was so quiet in there, I almost wasn’t sure if she was home. And maybe if she was home, she was napping. And I would hate to wake a sleeping Paisley.

  But then the door swings open and Henry appears. So the decision is made for me.

  “Hey,” he says.

  “Hey. I need to apologize to you.”

  “Has Paisley blackmailed you into this?”

  I chuckle. “It’s not Paisley. I mean. She’s part of it. But this isn’t about her. This is something I need to do. I need to make things okay between us. If I can’t take back everything I did, I at least want to make things okay.”

  “Okaaay,” he says, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I mean. It’s history, you know? You were dealing with some shit.”

  “Yeah, things sucked pretty hard back then,” I agree.

  “Yeah, I figured if someone was crying every day in the bathroom in middle school, it must have been pretty shitty.”

  “How astute of you.”

  “You’re not actually the first person to ever call me astute.”

  “I bet,” I say.

  “Anything else?” he asks.

  “So you accept my apology? I feel like I’m in a twelve-step program. Like I can’t move on to the next step without your okay. I don’t even know what the next step is.” I’m babbling. I know I’m babbling. But that doesn’t mean I can stop myself. I cross my arms in front of me and then uncross them.

  “Yes. Of course I accept your apology. I don’t tend to hold grudges.”

  “Unlike Paisley.”

  “Well, Paisley is something else. She’s special.”

  “She is,” I agree.

  He sighs and I know he wants nothing more than to move past this and walk away from me.

  Instead he says, “I’m not gonna do that thing. That macho thing where I tell you that if you hurt her, I’ll hurt you. Because she doesn’t need me to do that. If you hurt her, she’ll hurt you.”

  “I do not doubt that for a second.”

  “But, like. Good luck with her. I don’t mean that sarcastically. I just know you’re gonna need it.”

  I laugh.

  “I hope you figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. Both of you. Because there’s obviously something happening. I mean, the fact that both of you have now talked to me about this seems statistically significant if nothing else.”

  “If nothing else,” I agree. “Thanks, Henry.”

  Paisley and I are, if nothing else, statistically significant.

  “You want to come in?” Henry asks.

  “Nah,” I say, shaking my head. “You guys have fun.”

  “All right,” he says, turning toward the vending machines.

  “Tell Paisley I’ll see her tomorrow.”

  “Will do.” Then he does this little salute and heads down the hall.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  -PAISLEY-

  “Who were you talking to outside?” I ask when Henry comes back into the room.

  “Carter,” he says simply, placing our bottles of soda on my desk and not looking at me.

  “Carter was in the hallway?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did you invite him in?”

  “He seemed to want to talk to me.”

  “Are you going to give me any further information?”

  Henry looks over at me and considers the question. “No.”

  “Rude.”

  He shrugs.

  Stef comes in a few minutes later, and we settle in to watch Captain America: Civil War. But it’s hard to concentrate. I want to ask Henry a million questions.

  We fall asleep halfway through Ant-Man and in the morning we head out for breakfast. I keep my eyes peeled for Carter, but he’s nowhere around. As soon as we’re done eating, it’ll be time to bring Henry to the train station. Where unfortunately, he’ll have to take the train to the bus, just to get back to Penn State.

  But on our way out of the dining hall, we run into Carter and Ray.

  Finally.

  “Hey, you know, I don’t have your phone number,” Carter says by way of greeting.

  “You don’t have my phone number,” I repeat, like he said this sentence in a language I don’t quite understand. And maybe it is a language I don’t quite understand.

  “Yeah, you know. Like for the texting.”

  “Are you a good texter?” I ask.

  “Fair to middling,” he says.

  “That doesn’t really sound worth my while,” I tell him with a quirk of my eyebrow.

  My god, the flirting. We are world-champion flirters, I think. Unless we’re both really bad flirters and it feels so right because we’re on the same level. There’s a lot to unpack there.

  “I’ll get better. You could train me,” he insists.

  “I could train you? Like a parrot.”

  “Exactly. I bet if given the opportunity, parrots would be excellent texters.”

  “This conversation has gotten completely out of hand,” Stef says. “And if we don’t leave now, Henry is going to be stranded here.”

  I nod. “Give me your phone,” I say to Carter.

  I type in my numbe
r and hand it back to him. “Text me so I have yours.”

  Henry, Stef, and I turn toward the direction of town and Carter continues on to the dining hall.

  “Talk to you tomorrow,” Carter calls over his shoulder.

  “Yeah, tomorrow,” I say.

  “That was … interesting,” Henry says as we head off campus.

  “If by interesting you mean awkward as hell,” Steph says.

  “Well, you’re both weirdos, so that helps,” Henry says.

  “Thanks,” I say.

  But even after saying goodbye to Henry, something still feels off. I end up texting him during his bus ride.

  Paisley: So I think I can go for it with Carter now, right?

  Henry: I don’t know why you think you need my permission. Haven’t we been over this? Like fourteen times?

  Paisley: I need to know. I can tell something is brewing and I need reassurance from you.

  Henry: Listen, I barely care about this. I only care about it as much as I do because it involves you and I’d like you to be happy. But I could give a shit about you being happy with Carter.

  Paisley: Explain. Because that sounds bad.

  Henry: It doesn’t matter who you’re with as long as you’re happy. I don’t care if it’s with Carter.

  Paisley: Okay. That’s what I thought you meant. But I have a hard time believing that you’d be okay with it.

  Henry: Why?

  Paisley: I don’t know. Honestly.

  Henry: Is it because you think I’m stubborn? Or because I don’t get over things? Or because I don’t understand my own feelings? Or because you think I’m lying to you to protect your feelings?

  Paisley: No to all of that. Minus the stubborn thing. You can be stubborn but I don’t think you’re being stubborn about this. I don’t understand what exactly you’re being about this. I can’t get a good read on you.

  Henry: Here’s the thing, Paisley. Likely, someday, one of us might have a boyfriend or a girlfriend that comes between us.

  Paisley: I’m never going to let that happen.

  Henry: Just stop for a second. Let me finish. I’m not saying it’s going to happen. I’m saying that it might happen. That it could happen.

  Paisley: Well, if that happens, then we’re not as good of friends as I thought we were.