When We Are Old (If We Were... Book 2)

by Anna Bloom

  He nodded slowly and then pointed out a cyclist for me to swerve. Good job too. “Maybe it’s you that doesn’t like change?”

  “What am I supposed to do? It’s not like we can go far. Hannah’s school is there. She’s not going to move secondary schools, and nor would I want her to.”

  Another slow nod. “Maybe just give it some time. There’s been a lot going on.”

  I glanced at his cloudy day face. “How were the boys?”

  He shrugged.

  “What?”

  “I don’t know. Jack is being a bit needy.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He didn’t want to stay at home this weekend, said he wanted to come to mine.”

  “Oh, but it’s not your weekend, right?”

  He pushed back in his seat and fiddled with the knobs so he could make room for his long legs. “Yes. I don’t know.”

  “Who told you he was upset?”

  “Julie.”

  I threw my most evil glare at a passing tree and then turned to him smiling. “Well maybe he just had a wobble.”

  “Maybe. Right, I need to get some wine and flowers for your mum. I can’t turn up empty handed the first time I meet her.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. She has you pegged as, ‘The boy who used to smoke down the end of the road.’

  Matthew laughed. “I miss those days. So many times I wanted to go and sit back on that brick wall and replay all those moments again.”

  I reached for his hand. “You don’t have to. You can come in the door this time. You probably could have back then too if I’d been brave enough.”

  “Brave enough for what?”

  I shrugged. “To ask you. Tell Ma. Whatever.”

  “You never invited me in because you thought I’d say no?”

  Another shrug. This time smaller and with my face scrunched like a ball.

  “What am I going to do with you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I can think of many things. But none of them I can do under your mother’s roof.”

  “Maybe moving out would be best.” I laughed but caught him giving me a funny look.

  “Just maybe.” He forced a laugh into his words and settled back.

  I patted his knee. “Ready?”

  He breathed out low. “Yeah. I’ve always been ready.”

  “Guys.” I dropped my keys onto the sideboard. “I’m back.” I glanced at Matthew. “Uh. We're back.”

  He laughed and shook his head.

  “Okay, wait here.” I reached up onto my tiptoes and planted a kiss on his mouth. “I just need to read the riot act again.”

  “Ronnie. Please. Relax.”

  “Relax.” I squeaked. “Are you mad?”

  My head thudded with the pressure. Everything past and present came down to this very moment.

  Silly, but it felt like if this didn’t go well then there was every chance the future could rewrite itself again.

  Maybe Matthew would change his mind. Maybe he would realise I was too like my mother and would finally know I couldn’t be saved from my own stupidity.

  Maybe he would meet Hannah and only see Paul and decide he didn’t want to take on another man’s child.

  Maybe the thought of blending families would be too much.

  Maybe the sun would crash into the earth and we’d all die anyway.

  Maybe…

  His fingers trailed the edge of my face, his thumb brushing across my lower lip. Dipping his head, he planted a firm kiss on my mouth, and then another, and another until I was nothing more than a brush of air and a deep exhalation.

  Maybe he would kiss me and make me feel like the universe didn’t exist…

  A small voice in the back of my head reminded me I was kissing in my mother’s hallway. That broke a rule on a list someplace.

  “Ugh. Oh my god.”

  I gasped and pulled away at Hannah’s disgusted exclamation.

  “You’re going to put me into therapy. I hope you’re saving.”

  I squinted my eyes at her. “I’ve been saving since you were born.” I gestured her forward from where she hung onto the banister like a chimp at the zoo. “Hannah, this is Matthew.” It would have been so much smoother if I hadn’t announced him like he was the prize on a game show. Ta dah! You have won a giant Scot.

  “Hi.” Hannah had her resting bitch face on. She analysed him from top to toe. “So you’re my new daddy?”

  “Oh my god! Hannah!”

  Matthew kept a solid poker face in place.

  “She tells me all her boyfriends are my new daddy.” She shook her head. Sweat broke out across all my body. “Let me think, what number are you?” She tilted her head to the side while she pretended to count.

  Matthew laughed and held out his hand. “Hi, Hannah. Sorry I didn’t get to introduce myself properly the other week.”

  She smiled at him. A proper smile. “When I told you that I knew you, you said I didn’t. Then I finally remembered and created a happy ever after Disney moment for you both.”

  He chuckled. It sounded like heaven bouncing around the bare hallway. “Yes, then.”

  “I’d be gutted if my new daddy was a compulsive liar.”

  He laughed, glancing at his feet. “No. I didn’t realise you saw me all those years ago. I’m sorry.”

  “Apology accepted.”

  He seemed to physically relax with an exaltation of breath—stupid man. Did he not know teenage girls?

  “So party tomorrow?” Bless him for trying to keep a conversation going. Someone give that man a gold star.

  “Ma says she's not worried anymore now she’s moving out.” Hannah sneered at me.

  “She’s not moving out, Hannah. Let’s not discuss it, now. Okay?”

  She shrugged—universal teenage language for ‘don’t give a fuck’. I swept my gaze over her, taking in her outfit.

  “What the hell are you wearing? Where are your clothes?”

  I glanced at Matthew who concentrated very hard on his brown shoes.

  “What, I’m not going anywhere?” She shrugged while I ogled at her minuscule shorts and vest top.

  “It’s March, go and put some bloody clothes on. Nonna won’t let you sit at the table like that, and you know it, so don’t even argue.”

  Matthew cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably.

  “I don’t know if you are aware, but I can hear every word you are saying,” Ma clipped from the kitchen. With a sense of impending doom, I smiled tight and towed him in behind me to officially introduce my mother to the love of my life.

  “So, Matthew. Tell me.” Ma had on her Spanish Inquisition expression. She adjusted her glasses and peered at him over the top of the frames. I added it to my to-do list to remind her to book an appointment with the optician.

  At the kitchen table Matthew leant back in his chair. Every so often my eyes stung with sporadic tears. There was only a certain amount of needing the loo, that one woman should use during dinner, but the emotional overload of having him here, sitting at the kitchen table was heavy. A long lost dream for him to be in my life and not just a forgotten wish was making me increasingly unstable by the minute.

  His fingers looped around the long stem of his glass of red wine and my throat tightened. I coughed around it and then breathed slow when his foot tapped mine under the table.

  Matthew was here. Actually physically here. Making the old pine cupboards in the kitchen look shabby and tatty just by his sheer force of presence and beauty.

  This wasn’t a dream.

  “What exactly are you planning to do with this shop of yours?”

  “Ma! He’s only just got it back.”

  Matthew smiled and reached over to squeeze my hand. “It’s okay. I actually don’t know.” He stared at his wine for a long moment in which I wished I could beam every thought he had onto a movie reel for me to watch at my own leisure. “It felt important to me during my divorce, but now it’s mine I’m not sure.”
<
br />   “Divorce?” Ma hissed the word like she spoke the tongue of the devil.

  “Ma, I told you that.”

  “Hm.” She eyed him closer. “And your family?”

  “Seriously. Matthew, you don’t have to answer all these questions.” I glared at her. “Ma, try not to give him indigestion during his first meal with us.” I turned back and added. “You’ll soon discover that meals in this house are served with antacids as a pudding.”

  Hannah, now dressed in a tracksuit and long-sleeved crop-top, snorted and looked momentarily proud of me.

  “It’s fine.” He grinned and waved me off.

  “My mam, brothers, their wives, my children, cousins, remaining aunts and uncles, they all live in Scotland.” He took a sip of wine and flashed me a brief wink.

  “And ex-wife?”

  “Yes.”

  “And your children?”

  “Ma!”

  Matthew held up his hand to me. “It’s fine. Ewan is eight, Jack is six and they live with their time split between their mother and me.”

  Ma shook her head. “It’s awfully disruptive to children, divorce.” I picked up my knife and considered aiming for her fingers. If I lopped one off the pain might stop her from talking.

  “It is, but Julie and I, we are being civil, and I think the children benefit from two happy parents as opposed to two miserable ones.”

  His gaze flicked over me and I cringed down in my seat.

  “A happy marriage is a rare thing. Ronnie was so lucky with Paul.”

  I wondered if anyone would notice or question me if I slipped off my chair and rolled under the table.

  “That is true. She was incredibly lucky to meet Paul who was able to give her what she needed at the time.” He smiled wide. “Right, I should be going to check in at the hotel. It’s getting late.”

  I held in my groan. This had been discussed in detail. Matthew hadn’t wanted to give Hannah the wrong impression, and neither did I. But I’d slept only once in Matthew's arms and my deep craving for more ached inside me like a hangry Cookie Monster.

  After thanking Ma for her hospitality, which struck me as ironic considering Matthew and I had cooked the Bolognese sauce while mum quizzed his general knowledge under the guise of a crossword, I walked him to the door, pulling it behind us as we stood on the front step.

  I shivered, but not because the air was chilled with March freshness. “You survived.”

  “Did you doubt me?” He skimmed his nose along my cheek.

  “No. Not for a moment.”

  “Good.” Cupping my face in his hands he brought my mouth to his, but then hesitated. “Humour me?”

  I smiled up at him. “I’ve already humoured you with this hotel idea. You could have slept on the sofa.”

  “I’m a grown man, Ronnie. I wouldn’t want to sleep on your sofa.” He had a point. It was hard to distance my memories of Matthew the boy I’d been endlessly in love with, to the man in front of me. I guess the fifteen years of absence really had done a number on my brain. “Anyway. Come with me.” He dropped his hold on my face and snatched up my fingers in an easy clasp. The way we held hands seemed profound and I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d still feel that way when we were ninety-nine.

  Yes, I would.

  Slowly and in silence, he walked me to the end of the road. There on the corner to my cul-de-sac he paused. “May I?” He nodded towards me.

  “May you wha— Whaaaa.” He lifted me and planted my bum and thighs on the brick wall of the corner house. “What are you doing?”

  “Living out a fantasy.”

  “Brick walls?”

  He angled himself between my knees. “Matthew.” My protest would have been stronger if it hadn’t come out half-gasped with want.

  His light touch angled my face again, his thumb running along my jaw. His gaze of heaven and slate filled with purpose as his lips lowered to mine.

  My knees clamped his waist and I welded us together as his tongue teased a light dance inside my mouth. Kissing Matthew. It should definitely become an Olympic sport. I sighed and opened my mouth for him to explore further, my head filled with his scent, the tang of wine on his warm tongue electric. My fingers gripped his hair as my whole body sagged in the ecstasy of a single kiss.

  I held on tighter as his deep dive of exploration became small pecks and a firmly planted kiss on the edge of my mouth. His slow smile curved against me and I ran hot with fire in my veins. “Now that, I wish I’d done before.”

  “Uh-huh.” My breath puffed out of my chest, laboured and distorted. “My, my my.” My lips tingled; my head whirled.

  “Ronnie?” His laughter rumbled against me.

  “Having a moment here.”

  He caught my lips again, taking me deep, to places where oxygen became scarce and fainting was the norm.

  “Oh, gosh.” I clutched onto his coat. “I think I’m going to swoon.”

  “Come on. We're probably scaring the neighbours.”

  I shook my head and clung on tighter. “No. Stay here forever.”

  “It’s Hannah’s birthday tomorrow. You should get a good night's sleep.”

  “I can’t believe you’re going to be here for her birthday.” I looked up at him, his dark hair inky under the night sky, his profile of perfection cast onto a canvas of frosty stars and streetlight.

  “Does it feel wrong? I’m happy to stay away during the day. I can work on the plans for the shop in the hotel room until you're ready.”

  “No!” I welded myself tighter to him. It would take a heat source to separate us, or an asteroid. “I’m glad you'll be here.” I ducked my head down against his coat, pressing my face into the wool and breathing in the mint and lemon smell that clung to it. “It will be nice.”

  Matthew lifted my chin. “I feel like you aren’t telling me something.”

  “No.” My heart pounded unevenly in my chest. “Just that it will be nice.”

  “And you aren’t worried I’ll be stepping on Paul’s memory? Maybe this should be kept just mother and daughter?”

  “No. She invited you.” I bit in my other words, unwilling to let them come to the surface. His gaze held mine like a can opener to a tin of beans. He pulled deep secrets from me whether I wanted to give them or not. “I think she’ll like it. Paul always worked on her birthday. Or if it was the weekend, he’d be doing whatever sport was in season.”

  “Sporty, hey?”

  I shrugged.

  “Okay. I’ll be here, say ten?”

  “Okay.” He helped me down from the wall and I grabbed onto his hand. Laughing, he tried to pull it away. Stronger and bigger, he had the edge, so I doubled up my grip so he couldn’t escape me.

  “Ronnie.”

  “Don’t go.”

  “Twelve hours.”

  “Stay.”

  Pulling me off balance he levered me against his chest. “One sleep and I’ll be back.” A searing kiss made me forget my objective and I let go of my grasp, reaching my fingers for his hair. Breaking the kiss, he pulled back.

  “Cheater,” I grumbled.

  “I didn’t say I played fair.”

  “That kiss is dangerous. You should be locked up.”

  His laugh bounced down the quiet street. “Love you, Ronnie.”

  “I love you too.” The words rushed out of me, a torrent of truth.

  Ma’s silence spoke volumes; it pressed against me as I entered the house. I stomped heavy footed into the kitchen. “I can hear everything you want to say already. It’s too fast, we are rushing… he’s a divorcee with children.”

  I came to a halt when I saw her smiling. I almost turned to get the dustpan and brush in case her face cracked all over the floor.

  “He’s nice.”

  “The boy that smoked down the end of the road?”

  “Well he’s a grown-up now, isn’t he?”

  This could only be a trick question. A misdirection. “Yes.”

  I narrowed my gaze. This was
uncomfortable ground. Almost a civilised conversation.

  “I think I’ll be happy knowing you are with him and his family.”

  “What you do mean?” I knew she’d ruin it.

  “Well, you won’t be able to keep commuting. And he won’t be able to move here because of the shared care with his children.” She got up and brushed imaginary creases out of her blouse. “So you’ll live there. It will all be wonderful. Just as well we’ve had an offer on this place.”

  “What? Oh my god. When were you going to tell me?”

  “Right now. I didn’t want to say anything in front of Matthew and Hannah. A fabulous offer, Ronnie. You’ll be able to move to Scotland, have lots of money to take with you or invest as you see fit. I’ll be able to move into somewhere suitable.”

  “Ma, I can’t move to Scotland. What about Hannah and school? She’ll never leave. And what about us? Wouldn’t you miss us?”

  Ma shrugged and then her waggy finger of doom came out to speak. “You’ll sort it out.”

  “Ma, this is all going too quick. Can we press pause for a moment? I can’t move to Scotland; I’ve got my business here in Kingston.”

  She shrugged like this was no problem. “It will all be fine. What was it you told Hannah? It’s time to start living?”

  I nodded, distracted as she swanned from the room. “Hey! Wait a minute. How did you know I said that?” I called after her, but she was gone, leaving me standing in the kitchen of my childhood home wondering just how I was supposed to leave.

  This was actually happening.

  Scotland? I mean? That wasn’t a possibility was it?

  Was it?

  Was that what Matthew wanted?

  I mean, we’d only been official for a week.

  I sat down on the kitchen chair. Why did everything with me and him have to be so confusing. Why couldn’t we stay at kissing on walls and holding hands forever.

  The last thing I wanted was Matthew feeling pressured into jumping into accepting us. Probably best for his divorce to come through before I moved my daughter and I to his hometown…

  Teenagers

  Ronnie

  “Is it wrong I’m really worried about what’s going on at the house?” I glanced nervously through the pub window. Matthew and I had walked to the Duke's Head, which under any other circumstances would have been wonderful, cosy and romantic. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”