When We Are Old (If We Were... Book 2)

by Anna Bloom

  “And what did you think?” I thought of the paint-covered boy I used to know.

  “That work should come from your heart.

  “But your dad did love his job.”

  “He did…”

  “But?”

  “He was absent, you know. He worked long hours. Sure, he’d try to make it to a game with us every so often, but they were few and far between. By the time he thought maybe it was time to slow down, all this damage had already been done. I was at uni, doing something he hated; Ryan and Liam were wild with Mam chasing them with a wooden spoon all day long. And then the cancer came and stole what was left.”

  “I’m sorry, Matthew.”

  “Don’t be.” His arms tightened; we were officially wearing each other.

  “So what did you do for Julie’s dad?”

  I crunched my face at her name.

  “Not much, really. I had a nice office, a PA, an even better salary, but I never really did very much.”

  “For fifteen years?” Wow. Imagine doing nothing for that long.

  “Don’t look at me like that.” He scowled, darkening his expression.

  “Like what?”

  “Judging me, thinking that I sold out.”

  “I’m not judging you, Matthew. You did what you did to help your parents.”

  “Being with Julie wasn’t easy. She’s not…”

  “Not what?”

  “Stable. Maybe. She’s an attention seeker. I see that now.”

  “Are you worried about the boys?”

  He sighed and relaxed, his arms loosening their tight hold. “I’m always worried about them.”

  The front door banged pulling our attention. “Hannah.” I cringed. “I’m going to have to talk to her. What happened yesterday wasn’t safe.”

  After a peck on my cheek he rolled from the bed. “Come on then.”

  “It’s okay. I can do it.”

  Matthew paused. “I keep telling you that you don’t have to.”

  Tears prickled my eyes.

  “Hey, what’s up?” Reaching down to where I sat on the bed, he tilted my chin so I met his gaze.

  “I’m trying to get my head around the ‘all in' concept.”

  “Well, that’s how it works with me.”

  My fears picked away inside my head. “I don’t want you to have to compromise your own life because of me.”

  Bending at the knee, he lowered so he could crouch by the bed, face to face with me. “I don’t know what you think relationships are like, but this is how it is.”

  I bit my lower lip. “Paul. He… he was determined to keep living the life he enjoyed.”

  Matthew leant forward, clasping a hand around the back of my neck, safe and secure in his giant grasp. “I don’t work like that.”

  I nodded; words still bubbled inside me. “I think I made him like that. Because of you.”

  Our gazes met, steady and sure. “And maybe I made Julie neurotic and manipulative. But we live with that and we move on. Ronnie, you have to trust me. Above everything, trust me. I won’t ever let you down.”

  “Muuuuuuum! Is it time for my bollocking?”

  I smirked at Matthew. “All in? You’ve got no idea.”

  Standing straight, he caught my hand and pulled me up. “All in.”

  Grey

  Matthew

  “Coffee.” I kissed the top of Ronnie's head and Hannah made an, “Ooohhhooooo”. Laughing, I plonked a cup of tea in front of her and then quickly slipped a coaster underneath it when I caught Ronnie’s mother glaring at the mug.

  I’d survived the early morning brain test, quick fire crossword clues shot across the room while I searched the cupboards for any healthy breakfast that didn’t involve toast.

  Someone needed to do a shop. What kitchen didn’t own muesli?

  I needed to run; the pressure had started to steam. Things were good here, in the crossword kitchen, but I knew I had to hit the pavement to truly remain in control.

  Ronnie grimaced as she sipped at her coffee and I laughed. “Ugh. What is that? It’s not sugar.”

  “It’s honey, it’s better for you.”

  “Because it’s disgusting?” She met my gaze and grinned, those strawberries I loved so much flooding her skin. I knew what she thought. This was it. This was happening.

  It veered into crazy territory.

  Maybe I didn’t need to run. Maybe I didn’t need to put miles between my thoughts and my actions.

  “Is this because I’ve got plump?” She couldn’t pull off looking offended.

  “No. It’s because sugar is a silent killer.”

  Hannah peered into her cornflakes and poked about with her spoon, possibly looking for some granules of the white stuff at the bottom of her bowl. “Mum. There’s none in here, either.” I smirked at her. Her tie sat askew under the collar of her shirt. She had make-up on, more than I would have thought allowed, but it wasn’t my place to say. I just shot a grateful prayer to heaven that I had sons. Much easier.

  For now.

  I hoped they were okay. That Julie was functioning.

  The four hundred miles between me and there felt long.

  Shutting my mind off, I grinned at Hannah. “It’s bad for you. I bet you in five days you won’t even notice.”

  She wagged her spoon at me. She’d learnt this from her ‘Nonna’. I’d already survived a wag of the spoon while I waited for Ronnie to get out of the shower. “Don’t think you can turn up and change things. I’m at a highly delicate part of my emotional development. You take sugar away from me now and I could be a crack addict in two years.”

  I liked this kid. She reminded me of Liam.

  “Matthew! Give her sugar.” Ronnie gulped at her coffee and then stood from the table. She’d been in the room two minutes. She needed to wake up earlier. I made a mental note to wake her up earlier tomorrow in a way that she wouldn’t fall back to sleep from.

  “This really is disgusting.” She pulled a face, her skin paling as she made her way over to me. “Sorry to run.”

  “It’s okay. You’re a successful businesswoman, I get that.”

  Hannah and Nonna both snorted. Funny that I already thought of Ronnie’s mother as Nonna, like Hannah did.

  “What? She is?” I glared at them and Hannah dropped her smirk pretty quick. “Did you see what she planned for my shop?” I shot her a smile. “It was exceptional.”

  Nonna looked at me with interest, but I ignored her.

  Ronnie shook her head while she shrugged into a neutral coloured raincoat. “Oh. Uh, did you want to use my car, Matthew?” Her cheeks flushed. “You are more than welcome. I can put you on the insurance.”

  “Wow. First weekend here and he’s on the insurance.” Hannah muttered.

  I rubbed at my neck.

  “You, shut it. Because of you I’ve got to go and see bloody Jewson.”

  I bit on my tongue. Not sure you should call the Head of the school 'bloody Jewson', but who was I to say?

  Ronnie turned to me and arched an eyebrow. “You haven’t met him. He is, Bloody Jewson.”

  Hannah looked at her mum with total adoration. I hoped Jack and Ewan looked at me that way in a few years.

  Or would they see me as the useless greengrocer, like I saw my dad? I breathed and pushed the thoughts away. I knew better than this. I had to stay in the moment. Had to remain focused on the now; not worry about things that hadn’t happened yet, or I couldn’t change.

  Ronnie stepped closer and peered up at me, a light frown between her eyebrows. “You okay?”

  “Yes, sure.” I bent and kissed the tip of her nose, then because that would never be enough, I rushed my lips over hers.

  “Oh. Uh. Childhood trauma happening right here.”

  I smiled into Ronnie’s mouth.

  “Go. I’m fine. I might go and buy some running stuff. You don’t mind if I keep things here do you?”

  “Sure.” She shrugged. “Although, I guess we would have to pack it
up and move it.” She shot a glare at her mother. “Right, anyway. I’d better go.” She towed Hannah by the elbow. “Come on, you.”

  Hannah’s skin blotched and she swallowed. “You okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Worried about what people will say?”

  She eyed with me caution, like she waited for me to spring a parenting trap.

  “I remember Liam used to get up to all sorts at the weekend and then pretend to be sick on a Monday.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” she mumbled under her breath.

  “Not really. He’d just have to face it Tuesday, or Wednesday if Mam let him get away with it that long.”

  Hannah nodded slowly. “Yeah, I guess.”

  Ronnie looked at me like I’d grown two heads. “Have a good day.” I gave her a wave.

  She hesitated and I could read her face, the way I always had. “I’ll be here when you get home.”

  “Promise?”

  “One hundred percent.”

  “Ugh, I’m going to chuck up.” Hannah made gagging noises and Ronnie pushed her from the kitchen.

  “Yeah while I might chuck in Jewson’s office” I heard her mutter.

  “Don’t you dare.”

  “Might.”

  They pushed one another out of the door and once it was shut, I turned for Nonna. “Come on then. What’s next?” I motioned to her crossword book and she gave me a wide smile pulling it towards her. “You know you need Varifocals, right?”

  Her glare would have beaten a lesser man.

  “Only saying because my mam just got some. I could find out where she got them from and go with you if you like?”

  My need to win over Ronnie’s family knew no bounds. I needed to make up for fifteen years of lost time and if I went to the optician with her then it would give me less time to brew on what the future held.

  “Oh really?” She hesitated from her death glare.

  “Yeah, sure. They look great too. Very stylish.”

  “Well I’m supposed to be signing the paperwork on the apartment today.”

  I shrugged and glanced around the kitchen. It had so much potential once the pine cupboards were gone. “Plenty of time I guess.”

  She nodded and placed her pen between the pages of the crossword book. “Yes.” A wide smile. “I guess there is.”

  “I need to get some running shoes and stuff; we could go to Kingston?”

  She patted her hair and gave me a full smile. “It’s nice you are willing to spend time with me.”

  I sipped my coffee. “Of course. I want to be part of Ronnie’s life. That includes you doesn’t it?”

  She pondered this for a moment. “Yes, I guess it does. Normally I just have to contend with Angela slopping around the place with her hangovers and vulgar language.”

  I grinned wide. “She’s not all bad.”

  Ronnie’s mam laughed and shook her head. “I’m not Ronnie, you don’t need to lie to me. I realised how jealous she was of Ronnie right from the beginning. She was always here in the early days of Ronnie’s marriage, when they had Hannah.”

  “Really?”

  “Well.” She leant closer across the table, like we were conspirators. “Ronnie always said she liked it because she was by herself.”

  “Oh really?” I pretended innocence, but it didn’t take a genius to read between the lines of Ronnie’s behaviour.

  “Well, Paul worked a lot.”

  My phone rang in my pocket, cutting off the secret conversation in a kitchen coloured with pine and terracotta.

  “Excuse me.” Stretching from my chair, my knees clicking, I stepped away.

  Julie.

  My stomach dropped and my limbs ached with heaviness.

  Determined to stay in the moment, I declined the flashing number and shoved it back in my pocket.

  “Everything okay, Matthew?”

  Turning, I smiled wide. “Perfect. Now, I don’t suppose you know much about greengrocers, do you?”

  Ronnie’s mam flourished like a flower under the midday sun. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been in one.”

  I nodded, trying to keep my smile on. “Me too. Would you listen to me talk through some ideas?”

  I ignored the vibration of my phone in my pocket, pleased that I could distract her from signing her contract on a retirement apartment.

  It seemed wrong to rush.

  But then I’d never been one to act on a whim.

  I stood on the front doorstep to Ronnie’s house, stretching out my calf muscles when the ringing of my phone became too much.

  “What?” I snapped.

  “Oh, Matty. There you are. Where have you been?”

  I sighed. “I’m away, you know that, Julie.”

  “I’ve had problems with Ewan, he wouldn’t go to school.”

  The sweat on the back of my neck cooled and I rubbed my hand at the skin. “Why? He loves school.”

  “He’s upset. Someone told him you’ve got a new girlfriend, and now he’s beside himself. He won’t stop crying, Matty. Even my mother came to help, but he wouldn’t settle for her either.”

  I ground my teeth together.

  “Who told him, Julie?”

  She didn’t need to answer. I knew well enough. My own family would never do such a thing, not intentionally.

  “He said you were a liar, that you’d pretended this woman was a work colleague. That can’t be right can it, Matty? You don’t have a job, do you?”

  “You know I’m restarting my dad’s shop.” My tone dropped; aching longing swept through me like a breeze over the desert at my dad’s shop.

  “Oh, Matty! Really? How do you plan to keep that running? You hate that shop.”

  “I don’t.”

  She chuckled, all concern for Ewan washing out of her voice. “You do, you always have. You never wanted to be the son of a greengrocer. Now you’re going to do that to your own children. No wonder Ewan is upset; he’s realised his father is going to be a nobody.”

  “Shut up, Julie.” I bent low, trying to block her words. “That’s not true.”

  “Darling, the best thing that ever happened to you was me saving you from a future worse than death.”

  I straightened, grinding the side of my fist against the red brick of the house. “No, Julie. You ruined me by tying me into it anyway.” I swallowed hard and threw a rope around my unwieldy rage. “Now let me talk to Ewan.”

  “You’re going to have to come here and see him. He won’t come out of his room. He says he’s devastated his mam and dad won’t be together.”

  “That’s rubbish. He’s been fine.”

  “Matthew.” I hated her saying my name like that. “Are you telling me I don’t know our son?”

  “No. I’m saying you’re a conniving bitch and you're playing me.”

  “Oh please, don’t give me this. You know I’ve been generous sharing rights with you. I could have said no; with your history it would have been acceptable. No court in the world would say you should have them.”

  I kicked at the front mat with its Welcome message in cursive font. “That’s not true. You make me like this, with your games and your twisted head fucks.”

  “Matty.”

  The sound of Ewan whining in the background cut through. “Where’s my daddy?”

  My heart sliced straight in half. “Tell him I’ll be there by bedtime.”

  “Did you hear that, Ewan. He’ll be home soon.”

  I held in my gasp. She had me on loudspeaker.

  She had me there on the word home.

  “I can take them to mine, if they miss me so much.” I almost laughed.

  “No need. You just make sure you get back.”

  I hung up without another word. I couldn’t fight it. I wanted to fall into a deep abyss. She had me again.

  I’d never be free—not from her, or her games.

  I stared at the red gloss of Ronnie’s front door and for the first time since she’d been back in
my life I wondered if I’d made a terrible mistake.

  This wasn’t me anymore. Ronnie, she needed so much more than being with a man as weak as me.

  When Demons Come Knocking

  Ronnie

  “I’ve apologised to all the parents personally; the ones I knew.” I tried to sit up straighter, but my spine was disputing the suggestion, preferring to act like a tub of slime kids liked to play with. “I’ve just come to tell you personally so that should any questions arise you know the facts.” That’s better, Ronnie. Be controlled. You’ve done nothing wrong.

  “So, you left fourteen-year-old’s unattended?”

  “Well.” I scrunched my face and tried not to meet Mr Jewson’s gaze. “We were only down the road. I thought it would be good to give them some space.”

  He sucked air in through his teeth. Bet he didn’t do that in front of the kids as it would totally ruin his cool-adult vibe. Knobhead.

  “Anyway. There doesn’t seem to be any residual issues.” Residual issues? “I’ve spoken in depth with Hannah and she knows that this mistake can’t be repeated.” She’s also grounded until she’s one hundred and five. “I think maybe your form tutors should be helping the children to understand the dangers of alcohol use.”

  Another suck of air.

  “We find it better if children aren’t left in close proximity to illegal substances.”

  My palms began to sweat but I refused to pay them any heed.

  “Perhaps also you could peruse the list of names of the sixth formers who turned up uninvited.” I ignored my use of the word peruse, leaving it to hang between us. “I’m concerned that individuals who are nearly adults came into a party of a minor.”

  It was Jewson’s turn to stiffen. I was in full flow, words were actually forming and exiting my mouth in a coherent manner.

  It was a win win situation.

  Until. “I’ve looked at the list. None of the names are students here.”

  “Oh.” I moved in closer to his desk and stared at the names of the too big kids Matthew had turfed out. “Are you sure?”

  “Mrs Child, I assure you I know every individual who attends this school.”

  I blew air through my lips like a donkey. “Right, anyway. I have to get to work.”