“At midnight tonight, I have to go to the plaza. This is the first time we’re lighting a town tree and I want to make sure all the lights work before the official ceremony. Sunday is church and choir practice. Monday you have PT and an appointment with the...”
She looked to the sky as if her calendar was floating there. “Eye doctor. Dad will have to take you. I have meetings that morning. Jazz and Elijah will have the boys.”
“What?” He laughed. “Are you sure we can survive without you grilling the doc?”
“Oh, don’t worry. My father will have a list of questions, and he’ll record the session for me in case y’all forget key points.”
“Of course. How could I have doubted you?”
“Tuesday—”
He held his hand up. “Three days in advance is more than enough for me.” He tilted his head back. Taking deep breaths, he relaxed his body joint by joint. He allowed his thoughts to float, and he heard music weave its way around the clouds.
Without opening his eyes, he went deeper into the memory that wrapped itself around him. “We danced out here.”
“We did.” Her voice was low, far in the distance. She made a strangled noise and he turned to her. His hand was on top of hers without a thought. “Are you okay?”
She took a deep breath. “Yeah. Just stuck between a laugh and a hard sob. We danced to one song more than all the others. It was the last dance at our wedding.”
“‘Faithfully’?” He didn’t understand why she would want to laugh, but she did say it was a nervous habit.
“Nope. This one is much more ironic.” She pulled out her phone and played a song, holding it up for him to hear.
Head down, he concentrated. Then it hit him, and his gaze flew to hers. “Really?”
“Yes.” She smiled, but the sadness in her eyes was heavy. “See what I mean? Cry or laugh?”
The soulful voice of Nat King Cole was joined by his daughter as they sang “Unforgettable.” Selena joined them. There was no laughter in her new tears.
He stood and pulled her into his arms, swaying to the notes that floated around them. “Hush.” He pressed his lips against her ear, his heart breaking as he tried to think of a way to stop her hurting. But he was the cause and he didn’t know how to be the man she remembered or needed. “It’s going to be all right.”
He wanted to kiss her. To savor everything about her, but until he could remember, he didn’t have that rights.
She nodded against his chest. Then “Unchained Melody” by the Righteous Brothers played. He held her tighter. The words ripped at his heart. How many times had she waited for him?
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
She took a deep breath and pulled away. Reaching for her phone, she stopped the next song, Olivia Newton-John singing “I Honestly Love You.” “Sorry about that. That was my ‘woe is me’ playlist for when I need a good cry.”
He hated the uselessness that numbed his limbs. “What happened, Selena? I mean in our marriage. Something wasn’t right. From everything I’ve seen and heard from others, we had a perfect marriage. But...”
A gust of cold wind swirled around them. Selena pulled her sweater more tightly around herself, but she wouldn’t look at him. Her gaze stayed on the horizon.
“Every couple has their problems,” she said. “Did being here help you remember? Did the music?”
Hands deep in his pockets so he wouldn’t reach for her, he studied the same horizon. The words to express his feelings escaped him. “Yes and no. It’s like I was holding on to a ladder about to board the boat I needed to get back, but then the rope was cut, and I fell. I can see the boat, but it’s getting farther away, and I can’t swim fast enough. What happened between us? Was it my missions?”
* * *
Selena couldn’t bring herself to look at him. There had been so much love between them in the beginning, and then she had pushed him away. “It was complicated.”
He snorted. “Like a Facebook status?”
She glanced at the door. If the world was kind, someone would barge onto the balcony with an emergency and save her from this conversation.
She waited. No interruptions. One deep breath, then she turned back to the endless sky. “Your missions were part of the problems we were having. Or maybe they were your solution to what you were dealing with. I don’t know. We fell in love really young. You remember our school dances?”
“I remember you were gorgeous.” One side of his lips quirked up. “You still are. In a deeper, richer way.”
A strange sound came from her throat. Running her hand along the weathered railing, she studied the horizon. “We were voted best couple. As soon as we got out of high school, we married. All you wanted was to leave Port Del Mar as far behind as you could. I wanted to make it my permanent home, the white picket fence, seven kids, a couple of dogs.” She made herself look at him. “I thought once you got away from your father you would love my idea of family life. I was going to show you how perfect it could be and you would lose the desire to run.”
He blinked at her. “Sorry, I didn’t hear much more after seven kids.” He had his hand over his heart as if to slow it down. “But I didn’t buy into your dream?”
“No. You joined the army. I was really proud of you and thought it would help you get whatever it was out of your system. And then we would settle down here.”
He looked over his shoulder, then back to her. “What happened to the seven kids?”
“Didn’t happen. The first year we had a miscarriage.” That seemed so long ago, but just like yesterday at the same time. She played with the tiny silver angel charm on the necklace he had given her.
Strong arms came around from behind her and he pulled her against his chest. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t just leave you, did I?” The horror in his voice made her turn around to look him in the eye.
“No. You stayed with me and promised you’d never leave me again and we’d have other babies.” She cupped his face. “We were only nineteen. I went with you when you were stationed in Germany. Each month I would fall into a depression when I discovered I wasn’t pregnant. I pulled away from you. I think you felt helpless for not being able to fix the problem, but we didn’t know how to talk about it. I came home. After a few more years, you retired from the army. We bought this house and I thought you would finally stay.”
“I didn’t.”
“No. Some friends of yours were doing private security and making good money. You joined them. And I started fertility treatments.”
“But I was still leaving?” He scowled. “Why would I leave if we...”
“I came to the conclusion that I was lying to myself by thinking you would stop roaming the world and want to settle down in Port Del Mar. I couldn’t make your heart want what I wanted. You were a hero out in the world, but with me? I think you felt like a failure.”
He pressed his lips against the side of her head. She closed her eyes and absorbed the feeling of being in his arms. She had thought this was gone forever.
Xavier was here. But she couldn’t change what he didn’t feel or remember. In some ways, he was still just as far out of her reach.
His issues with his father and those stupid insecurities had been bigger than her love for him. She didn’t see how now would be any different. If she gave him her heart again, they’d end up in the same place. Hurt. The only difference was the boys.
God, what do You want from me?
“Selena, I’m so sorry I can’t... I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I don’t want to hurt you, but that seems to be all I’m capable of.”
“You’re a good man, Xavier De La Rosa. I don’t know where we are right now.” She placed a firm hand on his chest. “You have one job and that’s to follow your doctors’ orders. We’ll figure the rest out as we go.”
She stepped back and
looked into those magnificent gray-green eyes. The eyes that had been passed on to her sons. “I’ve learned to turn everything over to God.” She laughed. “I’m better, anyway. We have the best Christmas gift.” She reached up and cupped his face. “You’re here. And those three little boys in there get to know their father. As you heal we’ll find out how this new us will look on a daily basis.” She shrugged. “God has this. No regrets. Okay?”
Xavier opened his mouth, but a door closed below them. Jazz, Belle, Elijah and their girls all stood in the front yard. The girls waved. Belle had the biggest smile on her face.
“See. I told y’all they’d be on the balcony.” She waved. “The tamales are done and stored. Buelita said she was going to take a nap in her room. If y’all need anything, just call.”
Selena leaned over the balcony. “Thanks for helping. It was fun.” She watched as they all got in their cars and drove away. Xavier moved farther away from her.
After everything she’d just blurted out to him, she wasn’t sure what to say. That had been too much at once.
She had way overshared. Closing her eyes, she said a quick prayer then turned, only to find him with his head down. He was rubbing the back of his neck.
“Xavier.” She kept her voice low. “Is your head hurting?”
“A little.” The reply was gruff.
“I gave you too much information.”
“No. I’m fine. I just need to rest. There was a lot going on today.” He straightened his spine and rolled his shoulders, his face turned to the sky. “I’m going to my room.”
She followed him in and down the stairs. “I’ll be in the office working if you need anything.”
At his door, he turned and gave her a reassuring smile, but the guilt was still heavy in his eyes. “Thank you.”
“De nada.” It was so much more than nothing, but today she didn’t have many choices so why bother with drama. She waved him off, pretending all was right in her world, and quickly moved to her office. Sitting at the desk, she took some deep breaths. Seeing the guilt in his eyes when it wasn’t his fault was the worst.
At one point he had been her everything and if anyone had told her he would stop loving her, she wouldn’t have believed it. But his words on the day she thought they hadn’t conceived would be forever burned into her brain.
Maybe it’s all for the best.
He’d actually said the negative test result was for the best. When he’d left after those words, she’d known it was over and had called the lawyer before Xavier’s plane had left the ground.
How could he not remember saying the words that had torn her heart out?
Stay in the moment. The past couldn’t be changed. There was so much to do. For over a year her work for Christmas by the Sea had kept her focused and happy. It was a dream becoming a reality.
Studying her calendar, she organized the timeline in her head. But it was all a mess. She was losing control. She couldn’t wrangle her thoughts from Xavier. What if he wanted more of the boys?
Closing her eyes, she stopped that downward spiral. This was going to be the best Christmas and the boys had their father.
Sort of.
Pressing her hands together, she lowered her head and prayed, praising God for all the wonderful gifts He had brought to her door. This house would be full of Christmas joy and hope for the New Year.
Lifting her head, she scanned the wall and all the events—and realized she had forgotten to schedule one very important Christmas activity.
She hadn’t set time aside to decorate the house and put up their personal Christmas tree.
Chapter Nine
Xavier sat straight up in bed. Despite the cool air, sweat trickled down his spine. He checked his phone—3:27. It was too early to be up.
He didn’t remember having a bad dream. During his captivity and then after he’d been released from the local hospital, his sleep had been interrupted by constant night terrors.
Not even one had plagued him since he’d been in Port Del Mar. But this didn’t feel like a night terror. Had something else woken him up?
Though uneasy, he slid back under his covers. A heavy thump on the ceiling brought him straight up in bed again. Had it been his imagination? When he heard another thunk, he knew it hadn’t been.
What was that? Had someone broken into the house?
Riff had taken a one-night gig and wasn’t home.
It happened again, right over him. In the spare room above him. Someone was moving around upstairs. It was too heavy for the boys, unless they were moving furniture. He had watched too many of those videos on the internet the last week or two.
Swinging his legs from the bed, he slipped on his boots, waiting next to his bed.
He reached for his heavy-duty flashlight and went into the living room. He heard it again. Hyperaware, he took the stairs slowly.
At the top of the landing, he saw all the bedroom doors closed except for the spare. He checked on the boys. They were still sound asleep. Another noise came from above him.
Someone was in the attic. Pushing the guest bedroom door open, he swung the light around the room.
There were a few pieces of old furniture, but for the most part it was empty. The trapdoor to the attic was open and the ladder extended. At the base of the ladder was a green tub on its side. The lid was off and what looked to be Christmas decorations were inside. That’s what he had heard.
Halfway up the ladder, he paused and listened. Whoever was crawling around in the attic was to his left. Easing up, he took one step at a time until he could see into the space. He heard muttering, followed by something being kicked.
Selena had her hands on her hips, glaring at a large tub.
“Selena. What’s—”
She screamed and jumped back. Losing her balance, she fell into a stack of plastic containers behind her. “Xavier De La Rosa, you scared me half to death.” She stood and checked on the boxes behind her.
Climbing into the attic, he joined her and set the stack back in place. “Sorry.” He swung the flashlight around the area. The attic ran the length of the house and there wasn’t an empty corner. “You scared me right out of a good night’s sleep. I thought we were being invaded by giant river rats.”
“Rats scurry. I don’t scurry.”
He brought the light around and aimed it at her worn teddy bear slippers and faded flannel pajamas. “I don’t know. You’re about the size of a big rat. In the jungle they were big enough to saddle. If I could have roped one, I’d have been home sooner.”
Hands on hips, she went back to the long tub. “Not funny. But it might have been the rats that ate my tree.”
Standing next to her, he looked down at the coffin-length box. Shredded fake pine needles made a nice bed for a Christmas tree skeleton. “That doesn’t look good. Why are you throwing things around at three in the morning? Is it some sort of weird workout?”
“No. The boys should be asleep for a few more hours. It’s about the only time I have to get the tree down and decorated. In all my planning for the town and getting ready for Christmas I forgot to put ‘decorate the house’ on my calendar. I was trying to squeeze it in.”
“At three o’clock in the morning? Why are you being so stubborn about asking for help? I could have gotten these for you. You’re doing too much. Let me help while I’m here.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew he’d said the wrong thing. “Selena, I—”
“That’s the problem. You’re leaving. I can’t allow myself the luxury of your assistance. I’ll be raising these boys alone. That’s not a complaint. It’s just the cold, hard truth and I need to get used to it. It’s okay.” She put the lid back on the long box. “My whole life, if I wanted something, I had to do it myself. I want those boys down there to grow up with—” Her lips went into a tight, thin line.
“Se
lena—”
She held out her hand, not wanting him any closer. “It’s okay. I’m stronger because of it. Everything in my past has prepared me to be their mother. All they will know from their childhood memories is the wonder of life and how joyful this time of the year is. When we celebrate love, giving and—” A hiccup cut off her words.
He set the flashlight down and pulled her into his arms.
With halfhearted effort, she pushed at him.
He didn’t let go. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I’m not so sure. You hate Christmas. You always have and I’m tired of forcing others to—” Wiping her face, she stepped out of his arm. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just tired. Your father didn’t give you any reason to love this time of year.”
He wanted to pull her back and tell her he didn’t hate Christmas, but that would have been a lie.
The forest of boxes was neatly stacked and looked to be color coded. Each had a label and a picture. Outdoor, Tabletop, Mantel, Angels. She had it all neatly sorted.
“My therapist asked me about Christmas.” He hated talking about this stuff, but he hated her tears even more. Tears he had put there.
If his talking would distract her, then he would.
“I thought y’all were working to retrieve memories.” She put down the small box with gingerbread men dancing on the outside and stared at him, waiting for more.
He had her full attention, and the tears had stopped.
Great, now he had to talk. “Yeah. Well, she thinks part of the memory blockage has to do with emotions I’ve submerged. Submerged emotion can lead to memory and word blockage.” He curled his lip.
She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound pleasant.”
With a grin he shrugged. Mission accomplished. Not a tear in sight.
“Her words, not mine. Anyway. I mentioned how much I hate Christmas, even though I can’t really remember it. She told me to write down triggers. When I get upset and want to shut down or go another direction, I’m supposed to journal what brought on the ‘feelings.’” He did air quotes with his hands.
The Texan's Surprise Return Page 10
