White Knight Dom Academy: 1st Semester

by Lucian Bane

  Fuck this was going to be difficult to endure without laughing. He clutched Tara’s hand tightly under the table.

  “If you don’t mind,” Steve said quietly, “I’ll refer to them as Cat one, Cat two, and Cat three from here on out, so please make a note.”

  “Wow, good job,” Tara said.

  “I helped!” Susan leaned in to deliver the hiss with a grin.

  “She did,” Steve confirmed. By his tone, it wasn’t as bad as he’d imagined it would be.

  “So… tell us,” Lucian said, a little excited to have the toy part figured out.

  Steve took a deep breath and pulled a small tablet from the breast pocket of his coat, giving Lucian a brace yourself for the atrocity look.

  Ah fuck. Lucian turned around in his chair as silent laughter escaped his tight lips.

  “Oh, here we go,” Steve muttered.

  Tara let out a single chuckle, the sound of one with far more self-control than he had. “It’s not personal Steve, it’s just the entire thing is funny.”

  “See that’s where I’m baffled,” Steve said in quiet fascination that Lucian knew would only make it worse. “We’re being forced to sell malefic trinkets straight from the bowels of the devil’s ass and then have to lie on top of that? I’m not a perfect man but I have a conscience.”

  Lucian was doubled over now and he’d turned to slowly lean into Tara’s shoulder who patted his head, her own laughter stuttering out like an engine trying to turn.

  “Wow,” Steve said. “You too? Really?”

  But he meant Susan. Lucian wanted to say the laughter was just contagious and he would, the second he could talk.

  By the time he could breathe again, Steve was flipping through his tablet ignoring them. “Okay,” Lucian gasped. “I’m sorry. I needed that laugh though, I really did.” He wiped his eyes, getting up because looking at Steve’s plastic expression was going to send him into fits again. “How about some coffee?” The question strained out around the laughter, making him sound like a little girl.

  “I’m up for some coffee,” Susan said, followed by Tara’s I’ll have warm milk, and Steve’s indiscernible muttering.

  Once sitting back down, Lucian gave a sigh and accepted Tara’s hand under the table.

  Steve gave Susan the tablet. “Maybe if you present it, it’ll be less hysterical.”

  She took the pad and cleared her throat. “Sure thing.”

  Getting that list read from Susan was at least manageable. Between her and Steve, they’d contrived eight very impressive practical uses for the medieval looking torture tools. The entire toy list put out a twilight zone snuff film vibe that left you feeling dirty and weird and reminding yourself every ten seconds why you were there even doing that again.

  “We figure we will to try and sale at least one of the more difficult conceptual toys per week. Keep it spaced. Starting with the Cat Ones, as Steve calls it, we have the baby Jesus butt plug that we think would make a fantastic ornament for a window seal or part of a manger scene.”

  “Please, call it by the names we gave them,” Steve hissed disgusted.

  “Oh,” she remembered, “right.” She studied the paper, her eyes scrunching before leaning over to Steve. “Is that an S?”

  “It’s the BJP. Initials, remember?”

  “Oh right, right.” She glanced at both of them. “The next Cat One is a…” she leaned closer to the paper. “A S suit?” she looked at him and he nodded. “Anyway,” she went on, “that’s the weird suit they wear that covers their entire body.”

  “Ah yes,” Tara said. “The sweat lodge.”

  “Ohhhh,” Susan said. “That’s a great idea.” She put the paper down and wrote on it. “We’ll add that to the possibilities. A sweat suit. Get rid of all those impurities. The other thing we were going with was like a scarecrow or a winter liner under clothes.”

  “Works good for these parts,” Tara said.

  “Yes it does,” Steve said, pointing to the page. “There’s one final Cat One—the HBC.”

  Susan leaned and whispered. “The human bird cage.”

  “The HBC,” he went on, “can clearly be used as a hay feeder orrrrr,” Steve grinned. “A type of deluxe bird cage with optional perches.”

  “Now on to the Cat Two’s,” Susan said, sounding eager. “Three of these as well. Starting with the NC or…” she leaned and whispered loudly, “the nut cracker. Cleverly to be used for grinding actual real nuts, duh. That should be a Cat One, I think,” Susan said, scribbling on the paper.”

  Judging by Steve’s expression, he disagreed. The Nut Cracker was clearly not Cat One status in his mind. Lucian would have to agree with him.

  “The next Cat Two is the BFC. Bacon flavored condoms. Now that is pure nasty,” Susan said, looking disgusted. “We figure they’d make good water balloons for pig runts that need human nursing. Fill them up with hot water for a porky soft mommy belly.”

  “Or a kind of party balloon for the farm animals?”

  “I told you that’s stupid!” Susan said. “They don’t throw parties for their damned animals, Steve.”

  “A lot of people have pets; farmers I’d imagine more so.”

  “Ummm, no, Steve,” Susan argued. “I’d imagine less so since they raise animals to eat them.”

  “The first thing you mentioned for the runts was a very good one,” Tara said.

  “Fine, go with that,” Steve said.

  “I will. Now, the last Cat Two is the ETT, or the electric titty taser,” Susan jerked to a huffy Steve. “For crying out loud, they have screwed in front of millions of people, I don’t think they care about these ridiculous toys, Steve!”

  “I care!” he hissed, making his red face jiggle. “I prefer not having to sit here and have more conversation than is necessary involving these…”

  “Trinkets from the devil’s ass, I know, I know,” she patted his arm in mocking concern. “Now can we get on with this?” She didn’t wait for his answer. “Coming to the Cat Three’s,” she said with extra boldness while Steve looked off to the right and muttered under his breath. “We have four and I’m sorry Steve, but I am going to speak plainly,” she warned, gesturing to Tara, “Our momma is tired, I can see it on her face. We need to wrap this up.” She straightened in her seat. “We have the foot with the vagina in the heel. Now that can be sold to the local salon as a foot model to practice painting polish on the toenails.” She leaned toward them and muttered covertly under her breath, “And the vagina down under can be used to store polish or whatever in.”

  Steve sighed and Susa went on chirpily. “And then we have that metal tailgate looking contraption with the ring part that goes around the man’s wee- wee, then spins around to… plug into his hiney. Steve says could be used as a wrench for a tractor.” She shrugged. “I don’t know nothing about no tractors, so we going with it. Now, finally, we have the bionic ass plug.”

  “Susan!” Steve cried.

  “What!” she cried. “The thing is a goddamn metal balloon that goes up your ass! And anybody who can get that thing in it has a bionic bung-hole, I’m sorry.” She looked at Tara with huge eyes. “Have you seen it?”

  Tara had her hand over her mouth, shaking her head while Lucian bit hard on his lips.

  Susan went on incredulous. “They somehow work this metal balloon up their butts and take a dump in it, then unscrew the bottom and attach a hose to shoot water inside!” Her mouth hung open crooked with a disturbed disgust while Steve put his forehead against his hand, shaking his head. “Can you imagine!” Susan said.

  “I can’t,” Tara assured in a strained voice.

  She tucked her chin and aimed a squinty gaze at them. “Now with the right water pressure, we could clean all the way to their dirty little souls.”

  Tara and Lucian’s laughter erupted simultaneously and Susan joined in with her signature cannon-boom laughter while Steve turned and put his back to her in sheer humiliation.

  Dear God, what a team she and S
teve would make. He suddenly wished they were in the Dom Wars with cameras to capture the sale of those contraptions.

  “Wait!” she said tapping the table with the palm of her hand. “Guess what we’re passing them off as.”

  “Oh God,” Tara squealed, wiping her eyes. “What?”

  “Try a cowwwww enema tool.”

  “Ohhhh,” Lucian shook his head. “Perfect. Just perfect.”

  “There’s one more,” Susan warned. “The ass-ring-toss.” She regarded Steve’s back and gave him a light shove. “Goober,” she muttered before turning to them. “Now, apparently you’re to jab one end of this thing into an ass and it has a long stick on the opposite side that you toss rings on,” she said, shaking her head. “I tell you what,” she angled her gaze at them, “I’d like to get my hands on the idiots who made that. Ass. Ring. Toss,” she repeated, making Lucian and Tara lose it again.

  “Lord, woman,” Steve cried. “Just tell them what they’re being used for!”

  She glanced at him. “Like it’s so impressive. We’re passing them off as toys. A normal ring toss toy.” Susan quirked her brow.

  Steve turned back around in his seat. “Do you have a better idea? I’d love to hear it.”

  “Yes I do,” she said matter-of-factly. How about stick it up your tight ass and loosen you up a little.”

  His jaw dropped for several seconds. “Real funny Susan.”

  “I’m serious!” She looked at Lucian and Tara. “He’s so uptight,” she hissed. “I will find the perfect toy for you and me, don’t you worry.”

  “That is enough Susan.”

  “Okay, okay,” Lucian cut in before a fight could break out and Susan hurt his buddy. “You guys have practically aced that assignment, I have total confidence,” he blatantly lied. “So the master plan is: We find a local builder and hire him. Check. Now, as far as the couple’s go? I’ve been giving that a lot of thought. I think we need to offer an incentive—the money kind. We pay them to take the classes as a preliminary endorsement for trying out kind of thing? If it helps them, they endorse it, give us a good review/rating, blah blah? You follow me?”

  They all nodded and agreed in one form or another but Susan chewed her lip with narrowed gaze.

  “What?” Lucian said. “Tell me your idea.”

  “Well,” she began lightly. “It’s good, I’m just thinking of something more.”

  “More than money?” Lucian asked.

  “Yeah. We want to ensure the confidentiality part, right?”

  “That’s a very dire requirement, yes.”

  “Well, money is a good incentive, but what’s even better is… maybe finding people that are thought to have great marriages but don’t? Or somebodies who should have great marriages? Or make people think they do?” She waved her hand. “Nah, never mind.”

  “No, no,” Tara said shaking a finger at her. “That is actually a very good idea. That is one thing this town is good for. Pretending to be holier than thou. The root parts around here are nasty dirty. Everybody has secrets.”

  “Ohhhh,” Susan said, perking up.

  Tara was nodding more. “Yep, yep, I’m just now thinking the same thing.” She looked at Lucian. “I bet you that I can get enough dirt on just about any couple I want. I happen to have a very good connection with the funeral home.”

  He narrowed his gaze. “Funeral home? How does that…”

  “Obituary lover, remember?” She chewed on her lower lip, holding her cup tight. “My fascination with dying may have gone a tad further than I mentioned to you.”

  Lucian drew back a little at this disturbing news. “Do I want to know?”

  She snorted and snickered, making him sure there was no secret that would not make him need to go fuck her on the spot. It was like the more vulnerabilities he uncovered, the more he needed to do that.

  “I did a lot of volunteer work at Gaspard’s Funeral Home. It’s not a fun job or popular, burying the dead. I helped with everything.” She nodded, smiling a little while looking into the air before her. “Mr. Gaspard did it all and I was his little sick side-kick. Tara the Morbid-Tician.” A snort preceded raised brows as though remembering good times with the dead folk. “You can learn lots of things about people’s families and Mr. Gaspard seemed to think it was part of my pay to know it all.” She sighed then and slouched, putting an arm on the table and leaning on her fist while staring at Lucian. “I never would’ve dreamed all that filth might come in handy one day. And,” she added, angling her gaze to Steve and Susan, “he’s one of the few people I trust in this town too. A lot like my Gramps.” She turned her gaze back to Lucian. “Think we should go see him tomorrow.” She sat up and took hold of her cup again.

  “Wow,” Susan whispered in excitement. “This is so much fun, I feel like Starsky and Hutch.” She turned to Steve. “You can be Luke, I’ll be the Daisy.” She gave him a huge wink, her mouth cawing open with it.

  “They were cousins,” Steve said, leaning away in masked disgust.

  “Ain’t you heard of….kissing cousins?” She made loud kissing sounds then erupted in hysterical booming laughter, whacking her hand on the table so that everything on it rattled. It was a stern reminder of what lie beneath all that sweet pink decoration - brute, ass-kicking strength.

  Steve mildly fought her off. “So we have leverage,” he nearly yelled. “That’s good. That is really good, we needed that.”

  “We’ll add money to sweeten the deal,” Lucian helped.

  “So, how are you going to present this?” Steve asked.

  “Just tell them straight!” Susan suggested with a fist.

  Steve regarded her. “Are you kidding?”

  She regarded him back with a direct gaze. “Do I look like it?”

  Steve turned a little in his seat to face her. “So, just, hello person I haven’t talked to in years. I know that your dead father was a cow humper and was wondering if you’d let us pay you to join our kinky classes, or we’ll tell on you?”

  Lucian slid a hand over his mouth in a wiping fashion while Susan said indignantly, “Now you’re being an ass. No, not like that,” she hissed. “More like, hello,” she batted her lashes with a sweet smile, “how have you been? I was just wondering if you’d be interested in our relationship classes we’re starting up in a week? It’s a community project we’re trying out, cost is on us. In fact we’re paying those who would like to participate. Ohhhh, by the way, how’s the family handling that awful secret about your Uncle John’s affair and illegitimate son? Are they taking it okay? Oh my, they don’t know? Well, your secret is safe with me. So about those classes, I really need some volunteers for it. We are desperate to start right away. Can I count on you?”

  Tara was laughing and nodding. She reached over the table to Susan for a high five and the woman burst out in machine gun laughter, slapping her palm hard enough to make Tara shake it off.

  “See?” Susan said to Steve all in his face. “I know how to sell baby, don’t you worry about that. And also,” she got closer to him and muttered seductively, “I’ll sell every one of those naughty gadgets to this town and they’ll wonder how they ever lived without them.”

  Steve’s upper body was a foot off the chair as he leaned away in what looked like horror while his wife laughed and pinched his cheeks. Jesus, she was something. There were dominant, strong women, and then there were Susans. Lucian could understand his intimidation.

  Lucian thought about those damn classes next. The last thorn in his side. “How long should we take to teach the lessons? I mean once I figure out what they actually are.”

  Tara shook her head slowly, pursing her lips in thought. “I think once you figure out what you’re going to teach, and use that book to make an outline, we can answer that.”

  “Right.” Lucian scrubbed his face. “I was kinda hoping we’d come up with a time and it’d spark ideas. Sort of going bass-ackwards. Just an idea. Okay, so re-cap. We get the building kicked off this Monday if possible. To
day’s Thursday, we’ll spend the weekend figuring out how to approach the couples, get our game pitch on. Tara and I will see the Grave Master prior. You two can find the best people to sell to. Please try to find the most unsuspecting folks? The older the better,” Lucian said.

  “And I’ll get an iron-clad contract drawn up,” Steve said. “For the classes.”

  “Maybe Tara and I would be best to approach the couples?” Susan looked at all of them. “Two women work better for that, I think? Like it’s a girl thing?”

  “I’m fine with that,” Tara said, looking at Lucian.

  “Sure,” Lucian said. He had no desire to be there when that circus happened. “Steve and I will work on the logistics.” He glanced at Tara. “Maybe you and I can use the evenings to tackle the course we’ll teach?”

  “Sounds good to me,” Tara said. “We’ll commit to having a solid skeleton of a plan by Sunday? Begin implementing Monday?”

  “And meanwhile,” Steve said, “I’ll hit the town and meet as many people as I can, make a few friends, nothing too pushy. Just enough to let them see Susan and I are good, decent folk.”

  Lucian nodded. “Game on.”

  Susan squealed and wiggled in her seat, making Lucian’s stomach churn a lot like it did in round six of Dom Wars when they had to jump from the helicopter. Jesus, let this all work out.

  Chapter Six

  “I’m stuck!” Lucian growled, getting out of bed and pacing.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t figure it out. The curriculum! Every time I start to, I get fifty what abouts and exceptions flying around. This is huge trying to form a class around such a complex subject! These are people’s lives we’re fucking with, you know?” He flopped back down onto the bed and sighed with the caressing stroke of Tara’s hand along his bare back.

  “Talk it out to me. That could help.”

  “I thought I had it.”

  “Are you still going with the six semesters and six weeks?”

  “I don’t know anymore! The only thing simple about that is the six semesters and six weeks. Beyond that it’s a fucking mess. I mean, do I educate them about each other, do I educate them about love? The meaning of dominance and submission and commitment? The difference and importance between physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and how they affect each other? The answer to all of that is yes, yes, and yes. But what order do I do that in? They each go with every and any topic.