Forever Mark

by Jessyca Thibault

  “Green,” I said.

  Kellen rolled his eyes. I put the donut in front of my face to hide my smirk. It was actually delicious. It tasted like mint chocolate chip ice cream, which was my favorite. I didn’t have any experiences with green donuts to compare it to, but I was sure this would be the best one I’d ever have. As far as trying a new food went, Kellen made an excellent choice.

  “It’s a very good green donut,” I said. “I’m sure this place makes the best green donuts in town.”

  “They do.”

  “And not just because they’re the only place that makes green donuts in town.”

  “The other places are too intimidated to make green donuts,” he said. “They know they can’t compete.”

  I smiled and looked over at Kellen as we passed beneath a streetlight. His face was illuminated and I couldn’t help but notice things I never did before, like how strong his jawline was or how crazy sexy I found the stubble on his chin, or how much I liked the little waves of hair that peeked out from under his baseball cap. Maybe I had noticed these things and just didn’t want to admit they were there.

  Kellen ate the last bite of his doughnut and looked over at me. I quickly looked away, but I wasn’t quick enough.

  “What?” he asked. I could practically hear the little half-smile playing on his lips.

  “Nothing,” I said. “I was just… thinking how your hat would look better on me.”

  I reached up and snatched the baseball cap off Kellen and put it on my head backwards.

  Kellen laughed and ran his hand through his hair.

  “Yep,” he said, looking at me. “It looks better on you.”

  I knew I must’ve been blushing and I was internally kicking myself for not putting on face powder before leaving. I’d thrown on a shirt and some jeans, tied my hair back in a low ponytail, and headed out the door without even thinking about it.

  “Um, so where exactly are we walking to?” I asked, hoping Kellen wouldn’t notice the redness that was probably spreading over my whole face. Unfortunately, we passed another streetlight, and I could see Kellen grinning. He noticed.

  “I’m taking you to the land of a hundred lands. The place where dreams come true – ”

  “We’re walking to Disney?”

  “No, we are not walking to Disney! Have some imagination, Carson.”

  “Hollywood?”

  “Please, stop,” Kellen said, but he looked amused. “I’m taking you to the used bookstore where I work.”

  “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

  “We’re going to the bookstore.”

  “I thought that’s what you said.” I punched Kellen in the arm.

  I didn’t have anything major against books unless of course I was woken up at 5:30 in the morning to look at them.

  “Hey! What was that for?” he asked, rubbing his shoulder.

  “That was for disrupting my Sunday tradition to bring me somewhere that’s barely a step above the school.”

  “Take that back. Bookstores are magical,” Kellen said. “Besides, reading a book is on the list.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Kellen Jordan, do you enjoy the full mobility of your arm?”

  “Kind of.”

  “Then shut up.”

  “Yes, dear.”

  I punched him again.

  “Ow! Okay, was that really necessary?”

  “Yes, dear,” I said, grinning.

  We walked in silence for a few more minutes before something hit me.

  “This bookstore is open at six in the morning on a Sunday?”

  “No, it’s actually not open at all on Sundays, but I have a key.”

  “So we’re breaking into a bookstore at six in the morning?”

  “No, I have a key.”

  I didn’t bring up the fact that having a key wasn’t exactly going to stop someone from calling the police when they saw two suspicious-looking teenagers (and it didn’t matter how much of a harmless dork Kellen was, his tattoos automatically made him suspicious-looking) entering a bookstore while it was pitch black outside. It just looked bad. I mean, besides causing trouble, what would two teenagers be doing at a closed bookstore at six in the morning? Reading? Yeah, okay, like anyone would believe that.

  A few minutes later we came across a little strip of stores that I’d never even known existed, which was odd because across from the stores was a large lake. It looked like a large black abyss, like if I stepped too close it would just suck me in and devour me whole. How did you go your whole life living in the same community and not know there was a giant lake that potentially devoured teenagers within walking distance of your house?

  “The store is just over here,” Kellen said, gently taking my hand and pulling me towards one of the shops in the middle.

  When we reached the door he pulled out a set of keys and, sure enough, the door unlocked. Kellen held it open for me and I walked inside, stopping a few feet past the doorway. The windows were covered and it was practically pitch black inside the store. I heard the door shut behind me.

  “What’s that smell?” I asked, wrinkling my nose.

  “That’s the sweet smell of a thousand lives being lived at once.”

  “Really? Because it smells more like old people, dust, and stale coffee to me.”

  Kellen laughed. “Let me find the light switch so you don’t walk into a shelf of old people, okay.”

  It was too late though. I stepped forward and felt my foot catch on something. I lost my balance and suddenly I was on the ground.

  I wasn’t sure why, but I found the whole thing kind of funny. I was in a closed bookstore at six in the morning and I was lying face down on a floor that probably hadn’t been washed since this store was built and something about that was just hilarious to me. Maybe I was inhaling fumes from the ancient flooring. I didn’t know, but I started laughing and then I couldn’t stop.

  “Carson, are you okay?”

  I saw the outline of Kellen above me and as he stepped forward I threw out my leg, knocking him to the ground.

  Now I was laughing even harder.

  “What’s the matter?” I said, still giggling. “Did you walk into a shelf of old people?”

  I heard Kellen move beside me. I sat up and suddenly we were face to face. At first all I could see was the shimmer of his eyes. I’d never noticed just how green they were. How had I not seen that before? They were like sparkling emeralds in the middle of a coal mine. The more I looked at him, the more details started emerging out of the darkness. Now I could see the shape of his face… The shape of his nose… The shape of his mouth…

  I stopped laughing.

  Kellen’s face was inches from mine and it was like an electric current was passing through the space. All I wanted to do was close the gap between us. The only thing stopping me was the fact that all I wanted to do was run and hide behind a shelf of old people. I was nervous and excited and lightheaded and I kind of felt like I was going to throw up green donut all over the floor. Based on the smell, I had a feeling I might not be the first person to do that. That didn’t make it any less unattractive though.

  “You’re kind of clumsy,” I whispered.

  I could see Kellen’s mouth break into a half-smile, which did nothing to stop the rollercoaster that had my stomach colliding with every other organ in my body.

  “What can I say? I fell for you.”

  Despite the fact that my stomach had made its way to my throat, I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “That is the most cliché pick-up line in the history of pick-up lines,” I said.

  “You know I had to,” he said, laughing. Then his face got serious. “But it is kind of true.”

  “Kind of?”

  I couldn’t stop staring at Kellen’s lips. I knew I should probably stop staring at Kellen’s lips. If I didn’t then something was definitely going to happen and that something couldn’t happen because it would ruin the something we already had going for us, whateve
r that something was.

  “Definitely more than kind of.”

  Kellen leaned in and my breath caught.

  Screw it, it was happening.

  I closed my eyes and leaned forward.

  Suddenly a light flashed across my face and my eyes flew open. I jumped a little, startled, and my hand bumped into something solid on the ground just as a car passed by the store.

  Guess it wasn’t meant to be.

  I cleared my throat and scooted back a little.

  “Looks like I found the culprit,” I said, lifting up a massive book. “I tripped over a gigantic old person.”

  I could see Kellen shift in the darkness and I knew the moment was gone.

  “I better get the lights,” he said. “Don’t want you face planting again.”

  I heard Kellen get up and I instantly started freaking out. It was so much easier in the dark – it always was. You could hide things like insecurity in the dark. You could blame things like a racing pulse or sweaty palms on the dark. Feelings were heightened and broken girls appeared to be whole. Desire ran away with you in the dark.

  Hearts mended, if only for two seconds, in the dark.

  Hearts broke when you turned the lights on, and it only took two seconds.

  The room lit up around me and I looked up. Kellen was facing the opposite direction and I was so nervous about what his face was going to reveal when he turned around. I bit my lip to keep myself from losing it.

  After what felt like a century Kellen turned away from the door and walked back to me, smiling. He didn’t look completely disgusted. I exhaled a little in relief.

  “C’mon,” he said, holding out his hand to help me up. “Let’s go find you a book.”

  I took Kellen’s hand and stood up, feeling a little wobbly. I expected him to let go of me once I was on my feet, but instead he kept my hand in his as he led me through the maze of dusty shelves.

  “Hey, Carson?” he asked over his shoulder.

  “Yeah?”

  “Did it hurt?”

  “Did what hurt?” I asked nervously.

  He looked back at me and grinned. “When you fell from heaven?”

  I threw my head back and started laughing. The joke was terrible and so overplayed and I know I’d told him I’d push him into a ditch if he ever used this king of corny pick-up lines on me, but somehow it was exactly what I needed to hear. I didn’t think Kellen’s feelings were any different now than they were in the dark and so I could stop being worried and afraid. I could stop wondering what happened in the dark, because I knew what happened.

  What happened was a boy almost kissed me and I almost kissed him back and it was because we both actually wanted it. We weren’t running from our problems or trying to fill some void in our lives or wanting desperately to feel something, anything, with anyone.

  It was the best kiss I’d never had.

  Chapter 24

  Sunrise

  The sun rises in the sky

  Lighting up your face

  Lighting up my world

  I didn’t know life could be this bright

  I didn’t know these colors existed

  We’d been looking at books for about forty-five minutes and Kellen was very unimpressed by my lack of literary experience. There was not a single book in this store that I’d read, unless you counted the easy-to-read child’s version of Frankenstein that I’d skimmed through during freshman year. I hadn’t wanted to read the actual book and I thought the pictures in the kiddie version would be enough to help me pass the Frankenstein test. They weren’t.

  “It’s not that I dislike books,” I said. “I just never think to read them.”

  I was sitting on a dusty chair that smelled like the inside of a shoe, watching Kellen stare intently at a bookshelf.

  “But what did you do for fun?” Kellen asked, sounding genuinely confused.

  “Well, you see my time has always been spent either self-destructing, thinking of new ways to self-destruct, or writing about self-destruction.”

  “That’s not a very productive use of your time.”

  “I’m a teenager. I’m not supposed to be productive.”

  “That’s a myth,” Kellen said, shaking his head at the bookshelf in front of him. “I think you should read more.”

  “And I think they should really fire the staff of this place,” I said, smirking. “It’s kind of a mess.”

  “Be nice,” he said, still looking at the books.

  “Are you looking for something specific?”

  “I’m just trying to think of one – wait, I’ve got it!” Kellen turned and yanked a book off the shelf.

  “That’s a lot of pages.”

  “Sorry, there is no picture book version of this one,” he said, grinning. “However, this book is so good that it will turn you on to reading. You’ll wonder how you spent your whole life without books.”

  “That’s a lot of pressure to put on a covered stack of paper.”

  “It can handle it,” he said, handing me the book.

  “The Hunger Games?” I asked.

  “Yep.”

  “Does it come with complimentary pizza?”

  Kellen rolled his eyes. “Trust me, that book will be a classic one-day. I guarantee you’ll be begging me for the sequel in no time.”

  “If you say so.”

  I still couldn’t get over all the pages. It was going to take me a year to finish it.

  Kellen glanced towards the door. “I think the sun’s coming up,” he said. “You ready to go?”

  “Sure,” I said, hopping out of the chair.

  We walked towards the exit and Kellen stopped at an old wooden counter. He scribbled out a note before pulling some money out of his pocket and setting it all on the counter.

  “Did you just buy me a book?”

  “Well I’m not going to steal it,” he said.

  “You know, buying a girl a book might give her the idea that you like her.”

  “Should I buy another so the girl knows for sure?”

  I said nothing and walked out the door.

  Kellen locked up and we walked to the edge of the lake. I could see the sun starting to peek out from behind the trees across from us. Kellen sat down on the grass and I joined him. Our shoulders were touching and it was like that electric current was back, passing energy between us. I wondered if Kellen could feel it too.

  “Thanks for helping me with the list,” I said. “The therapist thinks it’ll help me make progress.”

  “Progress is a good thing.”

  “Progress is a necessary thing unless I want my mom shipping me off to church camp this summer.”

  “You don’t want to go to church camp?”

  “Not in the slightest.” I started pulling out blades of grass beside me. “Kellen, do you believe in God?” I asked, my eyes still on the grass.

  “Yeah, I do. But I don’t feel like I have to go to a building to prove it,” he said before nudging me a little and adding, “or a church camp.”

  “I don’t know what I believe,” I said. “I never understood how so many bad things could happen in a world with a God.”

  “Bad things happen because people make bad decisions.”

  “Sometimes,” I said. “But sometimes they just happen and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.”

  “That’s when you fight like hell to make the situation better.”

  “How are you so positive?” I asked, turning to look at him. “It’s like nothing ever bothers you.”

  “It’s the tattoos. They give me superpowers,” Kellen said, grinning.

  I shoved his shoulder.

  “For real though,” he said, “I just don’t like to focus on things I can’t control. I can’t make idiots not be idiots and I can’t stop tornadoes from tearing towns apart. So I don’t try. I put all my energy into fixing things I can fix and being a decent person. That’s all any of us can really do.”

  “Yeah, I guess. But it would
be nice if we could make the idiots stop being idiots.”

  “Yeah, but then there’d be no one to blame bad things on.”

  “We’d still have tornadoes.”

  “Very true,” he said. “Anyways, you don’t have to know what you believe. Life’s about figuring all that out. We’re too young to put ourselves in a box and say ‘this is how I’m going to be forever’ because it’s not. We’re going to experience things and we’re going to change and what we believe is going to change too and that’s just how it is. And if anyone has a problem with that then just tell them to go hug a porcupine.”

  I started laughing. “Your porcupine fascination is getting slightly out of hand.”

  “I prefer to think of myself as a consistent individual.”

  He plucked a few blades of grass from the ground and tossed them at me, so I yanked out a clump of grass and threw it at his face. Now we were both laughing and I couldn’t help but feel that everything was right in this moment. I looked up at the sky to say a little thank you to God or Zeus or whoever and whatever might be up there, but I lost my breath.

  “Woah,” is all I could manage to say.

  In the few minutes since we’d sat down the sky had completely transformed. It was like someone went up there and slit a hole across the sky and all the colors had come bleeding out. I could see the sun, a bright orange sphere, peeking out of the trees as shades of yellow and pink and purple swirled around it. I looked down at the lake, the reflection of the sunrise dancing across the surface, and I wondered how this could be the same black hole from before.

  I didn’t think I’d ever seen anything so breathtaking. I knew I’d witnessed a sunrise before, but I’d never actually seen one. I’d never sat and picked out the different colors. I’d never watched as the sky swirled in on itself, making room for new shades. I’d never looked on as the world painted a picture like that.

  I honestly never knew that kind of beauty existed. I didn’t know it was capable of existing. But here it was, right in front of me – and it had been there the whole time. Even in a world full of idiots and tornadoes, the sun still rose each day and sometimes it put on a show. And if you opened your eyes and were willing to let the light in, you just might get lucky enough to have a front row seat.