Lance

by Ronald L Donaghe

  Lance shook his head. “I can’t not be around you, Will. I…I decided I have to be honest, here. You and Lance. I know something is between you guys, even if you won’t admit it.” He eyed me, just then, his eyebrows raised, but I still wouldn’t answer him about that.

  A moment passed.

  “The thing is,” he continued, “even if you’re not queer, I am. That’s why I wanted to talk to you without Dick being around. I don’t know how he would react, you know? He’s the one that started in on you about being a faggot a couple of years ago. Remember? When you wore your uncle’s tags?”

  I just nodded, dumbstruck that Casey had just confessed to being gay. It was my turn. “Well, maybe that was a good idea to wait to tell Dick, though I guess I ought to tell you. Lance and I are sleeping together, and it’s exactly what you think it is. Only I decided it isn’t anybody’s business. So I won’t confirm people’s suspicions. You saw what almost happened to Lance.”

  It should have been a solemn moment, but Casey was suddenly grinning from ear-to-ear. “I won’t tell anyone, Will. Honest! But if you can be queer—”

  “Gay,” I said. “The word’s gay.”

  He nodded, still grinning. “Yeah. Gay. Then I sure can’t see anything wrong with it. It’s like finally being able to talk about stuff. It’s a shit-load off my mind.”

  “But, Casey, your brothers made you have sex with them when you were just a kid. How do you know you’re really gay?” It felt weird to be asking something like that, but I thought I should, since Casey had been abused.

  He shook his head again. “I’ve thought about that, sure. Even though I didn’t like some of the things they made me do, I really got off on the others, only I never acted like I did, because I didn’t want them to know.”

  I still couldn’t imagine how someone’s own family—someone’s own brothers—could do that. I shook off a really ugly image of me forcing Trinket, say, to do things to me, and again, I thought of Uncle Sean when I was after him to be my boyfriend. I just had no idea back then what he found wrong with it. But hearing Casey’s story made me shake my head, and I appreciated more than ever Uncle Sean’s wisdom.

  It was getting close to time for class, so I got up and offered him a hand, which he took. I pulled him up. “Look, Casey,” I said. “I’d just love to get Rick off by himself and beat the snot out of him, and let him know what a bastard he is. It explains a lot to me. But I don’t think I can because of what he might do to you.”

  Casey dusted the dry grass off his Levi’s and looked me square in the eye, smiling oddly. His eyes were red from crying and the black of his irises seemed as dark as a coming thunderstorm. His face was a mess. “Thanks, but I don’t want you in the middle with your sister dating him. Only Rita ought’a at least know. He’s pretty serious about her.”

  What Casey said was true, and that made my guts clench, thinking about him ever making love to her, after the way he had treated his own little brother. “Geez. I hadn’t thought of that. You’re not saying I ought to tell Rita about him and you, though, are you?”

  Casey turned away from me and we began walking back to the school. We weren’t even halfway around the football field when the buzzer sounded for class. Still, we just kept walking at a leisurely pace. “Tell Rita whatever you think you should. She deserves to know.”

  “I will,” I said. “What about you, though? You gonna tell Dick everything you told me? I’ve always kind of thought he was…you know…like us, only he seems too afraid of it in himself, he’s always trying to find it in other guys.”

  “Bingo!” Casey said. I could have sworn he was walking a little lighter, as if a big weight had dropped from his shoulders, now that we’d talked. Then he started giggling. “That’s what I’ve always thought, too, only there for awhile, you know, after Rick told us about you and Lance, I was kind of fighting it myself. I hope you don’t hold that against me too much.”

  “I don’t,” I said. “How could I, considering everything you just told me?” It seemed we’d both come a long way and maybe Casey had come a lot further with all he’d had to endure. “But about Dick, though. He might be too scared if you suddenly tell him about yourself. You need to think hard about that.”

  He nodded. “I guess so, but I think you’re right. He may be having thoughts he’s not comfortable about. You sure had him freaked out when you put us in the same bed that night.”

  “I don’t suppose anything happened then, did it?”

  Casey grinned. “I think it could’ve, if we hadn’t been so damned tired. You worked the hell out of us, you know.” Casey sounded kind of angry and, for a moment, I thought he was insulted by my question.

  “So you mean nothing happened?”

  He grinned again. “We both crawled under the covers and just lay there on our backs, and I was drifting off when Dick rolled against me and kind of threw his leg over me. I swear he had a hard on, Will.”

  “And?”

  He shrugged. “I woke up and it was morning! Like I said, you worked us ragged.” Then he snorted. “Dick was embarrassed, though, ‘cause when we woke up, we were tangled up in each other’s arms. You should have seen him fly out of the bed!”

  “I noticed he turned red when Mama asked you guys how you slept. But has he mentioned it?”

  Casey shook his head. “Not after what happened to me. Though I think…now that you know about me and I know about you and Lance…I think I’m gonna see what he says when I tell him I’m queer.”

  We parted a moment later, right at the double doors at the back of the school. I’d done what I swore I wouldn’t do, and that was confirm Casey’s suspicions about me and Lance. Only I wasn’t nervous about that, anymore. I was a little fearful that I might be wrong about Dick Lamb, and Casey just might be confessing to someone who couldn’t handle it.

  * * *

  The ride home without Lance in the pickup was empty and lonely, but it gave me time to think about things. He’d be surprised about Casey’s confession, of all people, one of our tormenters. And it felt even emptier at home with just Mama, Trinket, and Rita, and we all ate in silence, almost. It struck me deep, that if Lance hadn’t come into our lives, this is what it would be like. Still, it was a good opportunity to talk to Rita about Rick. I remembered how unhappy she looked that Sunday morning when she came into the kitchen where Casey, Dick, Lance, and I were eating. What Casey said had me think hard about Rick. He was not just a jerk, but dangerous.

  Rita was rarely home in the evenings because of dating Rick. But I’d noticed that she hadn’t gone out for a few nights, now. So when supper was done, and she and I were doing dishes, and Mama and Trinket were in the living room, I told her I needed to talk to her. May still wasn’t home from Animas, and I figured she and Kelsey were grabbing burgers or something. Only I waited until she and I had dried and put away the dishes. I sure hoped she wouldn’t be too upset, because I was about to paint an ugly picture of the person she loved.

  She poured herself a cup of coffee. She leaned against the counter and looked me in the eye. “So talk. You look like you’re about to bust a gut.” She wasn’t wearing makeup that night. Now that Mama no longer bugged her about it, she didn’t wear it as often, unless she was going out.

  I got a cup of coffee, myself, and leaned against the counter, too.

  “You know that Rick beat on Casey, right?”

  She nodded and took a sip from her cup. “Oh, Will! It’s just awful. The way Rick’s been since he figured out about you. That’s all he’s been able to talk about. And when he told me he’d laid into his little brother, I was just sick. It’s so hateful!”

  “There’s more, Rita,” I said. “But I don’t want you to be mad at me for telling you. Something Casey told me. He thinks you ought to know, though.”

  Rita turned to face me, laying a hand on my forearm. “I won’t shoot the messenger, all right?”

  I wasn’t sure about that, but I just plowed ahead, telling her that Rick had often ma
de Casey have sex with him. Then I said, “he was afraid Casey would tell me, or me being queer might rub off on him when he was over here.”

  Rita has a funny way of crying. It’s silent, but it just tears me up, because she cries with her whole body, while the tears just leak out from under her lids. Luckily, there wasn’t any mascara to run.

  For a little while I didn’t think she was going to stop crying. I had no idea what was going through her head, either. Then she sucked in her breath, a kind of high, sing-song intake. She turned her red eyes toward me, trying to smile but doing it badly. “I figured him for a bastard, once he told me how funny it was what Margie Collins did to you. He’s the one who told her, you know.”

  “I know,” I said. “Margie told me what Rick said the day she tried to get in my pants.”

  Rita laughed so suddenly, I did too. “I can just see her, Will! That old whore!”

  “So it made you mad that he told her?”

  “Of course it did! You think I want my only brother pawed by someone old enough to be our mother? I know how special you are, you and Lance. It’s weird to me, though, okay? But I see how much happier you are these days, in spite of all the talk I’ve heard.”

  I told her thanks for that. I really wanted to hug her, but I felt awkward hugging anybody but Trinket. Even as close as me and May are, I rarely hug her, either.

  “So what are you going to do about Rick, then? If he’s that violent, he might turn on you.”

  She stood up to her full five feet, eight inches and took another sip of coffee, then set the cup on the counter. “I’ve got a lot to think about. The way Rick has been has made me cautious. Until now, though, he’s never done anything to make me think he’s violent.”

  “But what about Casey and the way Rick beat on him? And did you know Casey’s father whipped him with a razor strap because Rick said he was queer like me and Lance? His back is in ribbons, Rita. If you ask me, that whole family is hateful.”

  We stood there side-by-side a few moments without saying anything, each of us busy with our own thoughts.

  Then all of a sudden she kissed me on the cheek. “I love you, Will. Don’t ever forget that, okay? If you want to know, I’ve been thinking about dumping Rick for quite a while. Now I have good reason.”

  A moment later, Rita left me in the kitchen. I looked around. I remembered when Daddy had put in the tiled counter tops. I remembered when I first saw Uncle Sean sitting at the table and how from that day I began to discover who I was. I remembered bringing Lance in here the day I found him on the rock ledge, and I could even see Daddy sitting at the head of the table, looking like he felt bad, that very same night. So much of our living was done here in this brightly lit room. It was where we had so many of our family talks.

  Something passed through me, just then, as I looked around, kind of an emptiness, kind of seeing this kitchen when all of us were gone. I didn’t think our family would be together much longer, and when I went to my bedroom, I was feeling kind of sad, though it wasn’t the kind of feeling that brought tears to my eyes. Just a slight ache in my heart.

  * * *

  Which of course brings me to Lance, again. He comes back from his trip tomorrow. Mama gave him fifty dollars to spend, though the school is paying for the motels. All he has to buy is food, so he ought to be all right. I’ve missed him badly, and I’ve even played this game with myself, sitting up here in the loft, watching the sunlight fade from the Big Hatchet peak across the highway. I’ve been pretending that I never met Lance, to see how I feel without him. Only I can’t really feel how lonely I was before he came into my life. His beauty fills my mind and wraps itself warmly around my heart.

  I remember how I wrote about Uncle Sean up here, before he had ever kissed me that time in the car on the way back from Deming, and I remember how I used to get a stiff-on just picturing him and thinking my childish thoughts about what it would feel like to be naked in the bed with him. I remember calling masturbation “having a wet dream!” Tears of laughter and embarrassment spring to my eyes when I think about that, because Lance has shown me so much in the way of making love. I can remember each special moment of our love-making.

  I guess the most important thing I have to tell Lance when I see him again, after I’ve filled his face with kisses and tell him I love him, is about Casey.

  I’m depending on Lance to know how to help Casey handle things, because Lance knows what it’s like to submit his body, knows what it’s like to survive beatings and how to break free of the guilt and the shame. At least I think he knows these things. Maybe Lance will even know how we should be with Casey, now that I know he’s gay like we are. Hmmm. One down and one to go. Only I’m a little more nervous about admitting we’re gay to Dick. But Casey promised Dick he’d talk to him. They are best friends, after all. I hope Dick won’t let all that go down the toilet if Casey tells him about himself.

  Nine

  Lance Returns, and the End Begins

  Oh, man! When Lance got home last night, I was waiting at the school in the parking lot, and when I saw the lights from the van as it pulled off the street, I was out of the pickup, jittery as all hell, I could hardly contain myself. It was dark, except for a few street lights in the lot and the interior lights of the van, which came on when Mr. Drummond shut off the engine and the side doors came open.

  There were others waiting for the art class students, but I could hardly contain myself when I saw Lance step out onto the gravel. He’d already grabbed up his suitcase and his arms were full of things he must’ve got on his trip. His face was indistinct there in the light, but I knew which one was him. I just couldn’t contain myself and ran up to him snatching things, saying “hi!” and “how was it?” and then I felt his hand on my chest, right there in front of everybody, running it down my shirt, and my little buddy just sprang to full attention, making a tent in my Levi’s.

  He hardly said bye to anybody, except Mr. Drummond, thanking him for the trip, and then we were off together, heading for the pickup, throwing his suitcase in the back, packing his bags and things under a tarpaulin I’d put in the bed of the pickup. About a second later, we were in the cab of the pickup and we just couldn’t wait any longer and were smashing our faces together and hugging and feeling of each other’s tents in our pants. It was lucky I’d parked a little ways off from the others.

  We must’ve kissed for two minutes, until our faces were slick with spit, and we were both breathing heavy and had to pull apart to take a breath.

  “Did’ja miss me, Angel?” Lance finally said, laughing and squeezing my little buddy.

  “A little,” I said, still breathing heavy. “Did you miss me?”

  He kissed me on the lips and ran his tongue into my mouth. “A little,” he said.

  My hands were shaking with excitement as I started the engine. My vision was actually blurry I wanted to make love right then so much, I could hardly get the pickup into gear. We lurched out of the parking lot and, in a few moments, we were heading east toward Hachita. The lights of Animas were barely out of sight, when Lance began ripping at my shirt, and when it was off, he unbuckled my belt and undid the buttons on my Levi’s. I tried to drive steadily, but I’m sure when he went down on me with his hot, wet mouth, and was going up and down on my already slick little buddy, I must’ve swerved off and onto the road. It wasn’t but a few seconds before I let loose, all that pent-up desire. And then I pulled off onto the side of the road, not even bothering to check for car lights from either direction.

  “In me, baby!” I whispered. “Do it in me!”

  In a second I was on my back with my Levi’s shoved down around my boots, and Lance flew out of his clothes. He used spit on me and worked me with his fingers, and then as slick as his own little buddy was, he slid in easily. All I felt was the heat of his naked skin against me, the hot flesh as I took him inside, and our lips and teeth, we could hardly contain ourselves.

  But we weren’t nearly done, and I got out of my clot
hes and threw them onto the floor board of the pickup with his, and as I drove, he kissed me and sucked me and ran his tongue in my ears, and we were both crying there for awhile. I couldn’t believe how much a few days away from each other had brought out so much heat.

  It was actually a cold night, and when we pulled into the yard at home and were dressing in the pickup, our breath showed in the air. With untucked shirts and barely buckled belts, with our arms around each other we went into the house, heading straight for our bedroom where we got undressed again and crawled naked into bed, and just fell into each other’s arms and kissed long and languidly.

  Lance fell asleep telling me about his trip and visiting that old lady painter. He talked about her studio and how beautiful parts of New Mexico were, and how he missed me, and had a surprise for me.

  Knocking at our door around two o’clock in the morning brought me out of a deep sleep. I untangled my arms and legs from Lance, feeling suddenly chilled. I tucked the sheet and blanket around him and pulled on my Levi’s. Then I padded barefoot across the floor and opened the door a crack.

  It was Mama, standing there with the hall light on, smoking a cigarette, her eyes bloodshot and a shocked look on her face. Seeing her, I felt all the blood drain from my face. I stepped out into the hall, hugging myself because of the cold.

  “Mama, what is it? You look bad.”

  “There was a phone call. I’ve got coffee on, Will,” was all she said, as she turned with the smoke from her cigarette rising to the ceiling and led the way into the kitchen.

  I was blinking in the bright lights and feeling like I was made of sand as I sat down cupping the mug of coffee in my hands. My feet felt like ice on the tile floor, so I tucked one foot under my thigh.

  Mama sat down across from me. She was wearing a robe, and I could see the “v” of her chest as it disappeared beneath her robe, and I realized that her skin was kind of wrinkly, with a few freckles around her collar bone. But her face told me something was terribly wrong, the way her mouth sagged below bright, fearful eyes.