Finding Mother

by Allen, Anne

  Nicole was the first to arrive at their favourite café near the Victorian indoor market. That part of town, minutes away from King Street and the big stores, boasted the small boutiques that became a big draw for the girls in their teens. Nicole looked forward to a trawl through the shops with Susie, whose forthright opinions made shopping a fun experience.

  Susie breezed in and threw her arms around Nicole in the manner of a long lost sister. In a way that was what she was to Nicole who, laughing, begged Susie to let go so that she could breathe.

  ‘I had to make sure you were real and not a figment of my imagination. It’s been so long…’

  ‘I know, I know. And it’s my fault, should’ve been over ages ago. Forgive me?’

  Susie, head tilted to one side, looked serious for a moment before a smile lifted the corners of her wide mouth and she laughed.

  ‘Of course! But boy, have we some catching up to do!’

  Nicole grinned and after they had ordered their large café au lait studied her childhood friend for a moment. She hadn’t aged a bit, her round face was as smooth as ever and her blonde curly hair still spiralled out of control. Susie caught her eye and grinned.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking, I’m fatter than ever! The curse of having children!’ She shook her head. ‘And you’re still so slim. It’s not fair!’

  ‘You’re not really jealous. Your curves always got you more attention from the boys and helped you land that dishy husband of yours!’

  ‘True. Craig’s always said he liked having plenty to grab hold of. Still, wouldn’t mind losing a few pounds…’ She sighed and then, reaching out for Nicole’s hand murmured, ‘Has it been very bad?’

  ‘Well, it’s been better!’ Nicole pulled a face. ‘But in some ways it’s been a relief. I think, subconsciously, I knew Tom was still unfaithful but didn’t want to acknowledge it. ‘Cos then I’d need to deal with it and that would affect my job, my lifestyle. Pathetic, isn’t it? I let the bastard carry on cheating on me rather than face the truth and get on with my life.’

  ‘It’s not pathetic. You just needed to feel strong enough to break free and now you have. And that’s great! You never deserved to be treated like that and you know I never felt Tom was good enough for you.’

  Nicole grinned. ‘Yes, you made that clear when you poured a glass of beer over him at Bettany’s christening! Just because he’d criticised that mini dress you’d talked me into buying.’

  ‘Well, he deserved it. Pompous ass! Fancy saying it made you look like a tart! Hope you’ve still got it?’

  ‘Oh, yes. And I might wear it for our girls night out at the weekend. See what effect it has on Jersey manhood!’

  They laughed.

  After a sip of her coffee Susie’s expression was more serious as she looked across at Nicole.

  ‘So, you want to trace your birth mother?’

  ‘Yes, it’s become a real quest for me. Something I simply have to do. I feel as if there’s a few pieces missing from the jigsaw of my life and without those pieces I can’t make the right decisions about the future. What I should be doing, who I was meant to be. Even though I’m aware there’s a risk…’

  Susie nodded.

  ‘She could be an old hag you wouldn’t give the time of day to. Or she might be someone you’d be very proud to call mother. Knowing you as I do, I think it’s more likely to be the latter, don’t you?’

  Nicole frowned.

  ‘But why should it? I know the argument about nature versus nurture and that bad blood will out etc. So who’s to say that my real mother isn’t a horrible person?’

  ‘Hmm, if she was that horrible why did she go through with the pregnancy? She could’ve skipped over to England for an abortion. Would’ve been a lot easier for her. Instead, she must’ve put her own life on hold for quite a while to give you a chance of life and a good home. That’s got to be in her favour, hasn’t it?’

  Nicole’s face softened.

  ‘True, put like that I guess she did make it hard for herself. And I’ve always been grateful for my life – in spite of wayward husbands!’

  ‘There you are then! Anyway, I’ve got good vibes about it all. I could wish your mother lived in Jersey as it might encourage you to spend more time here. So we can relive our yoof!’ Susie chuckled.

  ‘Hey! We’re not that old! And whatever happens, Susie, I’ve decided that I must spend more time here and, with my parents now living in Spain, I can let my hair down!’

  ‘That’s my girl! Craig’s going to be doing a lot of babysitting while you’re here. Poor sod! Still, it’s about time. He has his nights out with the boys and I’ve not been out for what feels like forever.’

  ‘Believe it or not, but my social life has been pretty sporadic lately. Anyway, tell me how my gorgeous goddaughter is. And her handsome big brother, who must be, what – five?’

  ‘Yes, he is. Full time school now, doesn’t seem possible, does it? And Bettany’s three in a couple of months and I admit, in all modesty, is as beautiful as her mother,’ Susie replied with a simpering look, before dissolving into giggles.

  By the time Susie had regaled Nicole with all the latest news re her offspring it was approaching midday. They dashed out for a quick shopping spree before grabbing a sandwich to eat outside, happy to enjoy the warm and sunny June weather. The brief spree had resulted in purchases for them both. Nicole, so much less tense than she’d been on waking, was shocked to realise the time.

  ‘Oh, my God! I need to get moving. My appointment’s in half an hour. Just as well La Chasse isn’t far.’

  Grabbing her bags she kissed Susie goodbye, promising to phone later.

  She made it to the children’s service with five minutes to spare and only a tad out of breath. The receptionist directed her to the office of Mrs Evelyn Lewis, just along the corridor.

  A warm, motherly looking woman reached out to shake her hand.

  ‘Good afternoon, Nicole, please sit down. I gather that you’ve come back to Jersey specifically to pursue your search. Are your parents no longer on the island?’

  ‘They’ve a flat here but they live mostly in Spain now that Dad’s retired.’

  ‘Lucky things! A wise move after the summers we’ve just had.’ She frowned. ‘Do they know that you want to trace your birth mother?’

  ‘Oh, yes. In fact I’ve just been to see them and although I guess they’re a bit worried about the outcome, they’re very supportive. As they’ve always been. They told me I was adopted when I was five and it’s never been a problem. Until now.’

  Mrs Lewis nodded. ‘I’m glad that you have their approval. It can be very hard on parents in this situation, particularly the mother. Do they have any natural children?’

  ‘No, they couldn’t have any.’

  ‘I see. Now, you said it hadn’t been a problem until now. What’s changed?’

  Nicole cleared her throat, wishing she didn’t have to admit the truth to this stranger. ‘I…split up from my husband recently and it’s brought home to me that I need a sense of identity, of belonging. How I’ve become “me”, I guess. I’ve thought about it over the years, particularly since my, er, marriage started going pear-shaped. Perhaps if I found and met my natural mother, I’d be able to understand myself better. If that makes sense?’

  ‘Yes, it does. But I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. No chance of a reconciliation?’

  ‘Well, it’s only a trial separation but there are…problems.’ Nicole pulled a face, feeling her shoulders tightening.

  ‘I see. Don’t worry, it doesn’t affect our decision with regard to your receiving information about your birth mother. We do like to understand why someone wants to trace their natural parents in case there are issues involved. For example, what are your feelings towards your birth mother?’

  Nicole pursed her lips. ‘To be honest, I’m not really sure. I feel upset that she felt able to give me away, but on the other hand my
adoptive parents made me feel loved and took great care of me. In some ways I was spoilt, certainly materially.’ She leaned forward and went on, ‘I want to know why she gave me away. What happened in her life to make her do such a terrible thing. Terrible for her, I mean, not me,’ she added, seeing Mrs Lewis’s raised eyebrows. ‘My parents always stressed how special I was, that they had chosen me.’

  ‘Good. It sounds like your parents handled the adoption well. As did you. But have you thought about the impact on your birth mother if you now turn up?’

  ‘Yes, a bit. I realise she may be married with children and not want them to learn about me. I wouldn’t just barge in! She might not want to meet me and that would hurt, I admit. But I need to try, don’t I?’ Nicole, feeling her shoulders rise even higher, appealed to Mrs Lewis, who smiled encouragingly.

  ‘Well, it’s certainly your right to try and meet her. I see no reason to refuse your request for information, based on what you’ve told me. Now, what, if anything, do you know about your adoption?’

  ‘I understand that my mother was from Guernsey and a teacher at the time I was born.’

  ‘I see. Well, the file should hold more information but we are restricted in what we can tell you. If, for example, your mother specifically asked not to be contacted by you then we have to honour her wishes. But this does not mean that you cannot be given a copy of your birth certificate, showing her name etc. In England adoptees have more rights than here, I’m afraid.’ Seeing Nicole’s face drop, she quickly added, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll help you as much as we can. Now, let’s sort out the paperwork shall we? Have you brought your ID?’

  With the formalities completed, Mrs Lewis arranged that she would contact Nicole as soon as the birth certificate was available. In the meantime she would also request access to her adoption file.

  ‘This should all be through within a couple of weeks. I look forward to seeing you again soon.’

  Mrs Lewis smiled warmly as they shook hands.

  Once she was outside in the street, Nicole took a deep breath, finally letting her shoulders relax. Mm, not sure if that was good or bad. Seems a lot depends on whether or not my mother is dead against meeting me. As she set off towards the nearest café, she felt haunted by the fear of rejection. Again.

  chapter 6

  The mad and enjoyable night out with the girls was just what Nicole needed. The sexy mini-dress was indeed much appreciated by the Jersey men hovering around the group in Liquid Envy and Nicole was never short of a dance partner. But, in spite of her avowed intention to test the waters, man-wise, she was not serious. Much as she enjoyed flirting and being flirted with, in her heart she was still hurting. As she remarked to Susie, ‘I’m not ready to trust any man as far as I can throw him. A spin round the dance floor is the most they’ll get from me!’

  Nicole and Susie made the most of the summer days and headed to the beach to make sandcastles with Bettany while Paul was at school. As Nicole helped the little girl to search for shells to decorate their castle she felt a rush of warmth flow through her. Oh, my God! I can’t be getting all maternal, can I? Always so focussed on her upwardly- mobile career, she had given little thought to having a family. And Tom made no secret of his wish to delay fatherhood as long as possible. So why now, she mused, gazing at the cherubic face framed by blonde curls. Bettany was adorable, she acknowledged, very easy to love with her spontaneous hugs and kisses. But would she really want a child of her own –now? Not exactly great timing when she was as good as single. She sighed, shaking her head.

  ‘Anything the matter?’ Susie asked from her supine position on the beach towel.

  Nicole gave a short laugh. ‘Only that I seem to have discovered my latent maternal feelings!’

  Susie sat up, her mouth open.

  ‘Well, what a turn up for the book! Thought you didn’t want kids?’

  ‘No, I didn’t, or at least not till later on. But I’m thirty-five now – ’

  ‘And the clock’s ticking louder than ever! But what’s brought this on so suddenly?’

  Before Nicole could answer, Bettany called her.

  ‘Look, Aunty Nickle, aren’t they pretty?’ She held out a variety of pearlescent tiny shells.

  As Susie watched the two heads bent together she let out a throaty laugh.

  Nicole looked up and as their eyes connected she knew her friend had sussed her out.

  ‘You’re in love! With my daughter! You’ve finally felt that little arrow in your heart, haven’t you?’

  ‘Okay, okay, I admit it. I can now see how fulfilling having a child might be. Especially if she’s as cute as this little scamp here,’ she laughed, grabbing Bettany for a mock fight.

  The child squealed as Nicole tickled her and Susie joined in, so that soon they were all rolling around, laughing, on the sand.

  Later, as they were driving back, Bettany fast asleep in her car seat, Susie looked across at Nicole and said, ‘Don’t you think it’s somehow significant that you’ve discovered your maternal feelings just as you might be meeting your real mother?’

  Nicole, lost in thought, turned towards her friend.

  ‘It has occurred to me. But at the moment I don’t know if I will be meeting my mother. And, without a man, my chances of motherhood are, to put it mildly, non-existent!’ She frowned.

  ‘Hey, don’t be so negative! I’m sure your mother will want to meet you and you’ve got plenty of time to meet Mr Right, or, at least, Mr Nearly Right. Didn’t take you long to hitch up with Tom did it?’

  Nicole thought back to those heady days when she and Tom were so much in love that they lit up any room they entered. Oh, what happened? What went wrong? Was it her or was Tom just incapable of being faithful? Maudlin tears pricked at her eyes and she brushed them away, hoping Susie hadn’t seen them. But she had.

  ‘Oh, Nicole! Do you still love him?’

  ‘I…I don’t know. Guess so. I’m so angry with him and hate what he’s done but…’

  ‘I understand. It’s hard to stop loving someone just ’cos they’re a bastard! Not that Craig’s a bastard – but I have loved one or two in the past,’ she added hastily, seeing Nicole’s shock.

  ‘Would you consider going back to Tom?’

  ‘I don’t think so, but I’m not as sure now as I was.’

  ‘You wouldn’t go back just to have a baby, surely?’ Susie cried.

  Nicole shook her head. ‘Of course not. I’m not that desperate for a child! But I am confused.’ Her sigh was so heartfelt that Susie reached over and touched her arm.

  ‘It’s okay. You’ve got loads to think about just now. It will sort itself out in the end. Auntie Susie says so!’

  Nicole smiled at her friend, wanting to believe her. But knowing it wasn’t that simple.

  ‘Nicole, good to see you again,’ Mrs Lewis greeted her as she returned to the office two weeks later. ‘Been enjoying the fine weather?’

  ‘Yes, thanks. I’d almost forgotten what great beaches Jersey has.’

  Mrs Lewis nodded her agreement as she opened her file. ‘Good. Now, here’s your birth certificate as promised.’

  As Nicole picked up the crisp, new copy with trembling hands, she saw her mother’s name for the first time – an odd experience for a thirty-five year old. Hélène Ferbrache. Very Guernsey. The birth had been registered by hospital staff and there were no further details. Her heart sank.

  She looked up to see that Mrs Lewis was smiling.

  ‘You’re in luck. Your mother wrote to us in 1997 to say that if you were to try and trace her she’d be happy for you to make contact – ’

  ‘Oh, that’s brilliant! I…I can’t believe that I’m hearing this. Can I see the letter?’

  Mrs Lewis pushed it across the desk and Nicole scanned it quickly. Headed with a St Peter Port address, and written in beautifully neat handwriting, it went on… ‘I wish to make it known that if my daughter now wishes to make contact then I am happy for her
to do so. If I am no longer at the above address then a letter can be sent to me, marked Private & Confidential, c/o my parents Mr & Mrs R Ferbrache…’

  Her mind raced. Not only did her mother want to meet her, there was a good chance she was still in Guernsey. So she hadn’t emigrated! And she had grandparents, or at least she had ten years ago. She examined the letter more closely, wondering if the handwriting would tell her more about this “Hélène Ferbrache”, her mother. But she couldn’t decipher anything other than that her writing was as neat as it should be for a teacher.

  Looking up she caught Mrs Lewis gazing at her in obvious delight.

  ‘It looks like I’ve just made your day!’

  ‘You sure have, thanks. Right, I’d better get a letter off asap. May I keep this letter?’

  ‘I’ll copy it as we need the original on file. Data Protection and all that.’

  Nicole waited impatiently as Mrs Lewis went off to use the photocopier and after she had returned, shook hands before dashing off to meet Susie for lunch.

  A couple of hours later Nicole and Susie bid farewell to each other outside “Blue Fish” after a convivial lunch; Susie to pick up her children and Nicole to compose a Very Important Letter under the influence of a couple of glasses of wine. To my mother! Wow! This feels so weird. As she walked back to the apartment she was struck by the irony of the situation. She was going to write to the woman who’d given birth to her in the home owned by the two people who’d raised her as their own!

  After a strong coffee she made a start. But how to address her? Dear Mother? Oh, no, not that. Dear Mrs Ferbrache? Too formal. In the end she settled for Dear Hélène. Right, what next? Nicole made rough drafts, struggling to find the right words. What did you say to the mother you hadn’t seen since birth? Several attempts later she settled on the final version –

  Dear Hélène,

  My name is Nicole Oxford and I was given your name and address by the Jersey Social Services. I’m the baby you gave up for adoption in 1972 and, if you were in agreement, I’d like to meet you. Although I moved to England some years ago, I’m in Jersey at the moment and would be happy to come over to Guernsey if that’s easier for you.