Before the Dawn

by Gail Chianese

  “No. Shawn was great, but it wasn’t meant for the long haul.”

  “Rebound guy?”

  Kat sighed and smiled. “Rebound sex. Best ever.”

  Lexie smiled, a slight pink spreading across her cheeks. “Right up there with makeup sex and newlywed sex.”

  As the party entered the eleventh hour with no signs of winding down, Shawn made his way through the throng of friends and family. He was pretty sure his mom had invited every person he’d ever known. And they all showed up to welcome him home. It would have been great, except he was still on East Coast time, and his mind and heart were still in Camden Point, Connecticut.

  A couple of old high school friends waved him over. He pointed to the bathroom, grabbed a beer and detoured out the front door instead. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be around people, he was just peopled out after hours and hours of repeating the same old story. Everyone had wanted to know about his life in New England. He’d answered the same questions so many times, he was pretty sure he was stuck in repeat mode.

  A lot of details had been left out of his story. Details like how lonely he’d been at times, how he’d felt like the odd duck in the station house until the last few weeks, and anything to do with Kat. His mom and grandmother would feel guilty if they thought he’d walked away from happiness to be with them. Everyone else would probably have brushed it off as a meaningless hookup.

  Truth was, he hadn’t walked away from a chance at happiness. Kat and he had talked for hours, late into the night, as he made his way across the country. She’d text him during classroom breaks, and he’d text her every day before he hit the road. He’d never known early morning phone sex could be gratifying until this past week. Didn’t beat the real thing. Nothing came close to the feeling of Kat Jones in his arms, her sweet, soft curves on top of him as she sighed with satisfaction.

  But the calls and texts were enough to prove that he and Kat stood at chance at making something out of a long-distance relationship. Or so he thought. He’d called several times that day. It was Saturday and she didn’t have class, but every one of his calls went straight to voice mail. He’d sent a couple of texts to make sure she was okay, but they went unread.

  She’d sounded . . . off during their call last night. Not sick, but distant, as if she couldn’t wait to get off the phone. He’d chalked it up to her being tired after a long week. Now he had to wonder, was she ghosting him this time?

  He stopped at the door to the old barn, the one that still housed his mechanical bull. It sat, covered with a faded tarp and a layer of dirt, just where it always had.

  “Thinking of dusting her off?” The voice behind Shawn didn’t surprise him. His cousin and he had had very little time to catch up since he’d arrived home.

  “Maybe.” Shawn turned and leaned against the half-rotten wooden doorframe. “If I start training now, I could be ready by rodeo season.”

  “You’re a crazy bastard, you know that?” Sutter took a drink out of his own beer before nodding to the machine. “I’m surprised you haven’t taken up skydiving yet. Then again, that’s probably too tame for you. I mean, what’s falling out of plane compared to sitting on the back of giant steak who’s trying to turn you into a shish kebab, or running into a burning building?”

  “I’ve thought about it.”

  “I bet you have.” Sutter fell quiet for a few minutes while they both drank their beers and enjoyed the sounds of the party from afar. “What’s really going on with you, cuz? Yesterday you were in a great mood, if a little tired. Today you’ve either been scowling or faking a smile while glancing at your phone.”

  “It’s nothing. We should get back to the party.” He shouldn’t have been surprised that Sutter had noticed his mood change or preoccupation with the cell. They knew each other better than anyone. He was closer to his cousin than his brother, who had made the party for an hour before jetting.

  “Something going on with work? Or your new place?” Sutter wasn’t going to let it go.

  “Nah, both are fine. Just some unfinished business in Connecticut.” Shawn hesitated for only a fraction of a moment. He didn’t want to lay guilt at his family’s feet, but this radio silence was killing him. “Actually, it’s this woman I was working with on my last case.”

  “I thought you guys wrapped that up. That’s why you had to leave a day late. Right?” Sutter’s face went slack, then his gaze shot up, and he smiled. “Ah, it’s not work. It’s personal. What’s the score? She bugging you to give long-distance a shot and you’re not interested?”

  “No, she’s not like that.” He walked over to the bull, pulled the tarp off, and ran his hand along the top. Couldn’t help but think his relationship with Kat had been a lot like riding. Didn’t last long, but it had been the ride of his life. “We got the guy who was after her, the one setting the fires, but not who he worked for.”

  He turned away, glanced back at his phone, and did the math. Ten thirty Pacific Time was two thirty in the morning on the East Coast. No way was he calling her now. Kat had a particular fondness for sleep and leaned more toward a cranky tiger than a kitten when interrupted. Except for . . . better not go there when I’ve got a houseful of people to get back to, he thought and suppressed the chuckle.

  “Do you think she’s still in danger?” Sutter took another pull on his longneck. “Invite her out here for a while.”

  “I did. She said no, and now she’s not answering my calls or texts.”

  Sutter swung his arm around Shawn’s shoulders and nudged him back toward the house. “Give her a day or two. She’ll come around. Until then, I hear a couple of beers calling our names.”

  As they headed back to the house, someone cranked the tunes and the sweet sounds of Judas Priest filled the air. “Oh yeah, now we’re talking,” Sutter said.

  It had been two weeks since she’d talked to Shawn. Fourteen days, nine hours, and seventeen minutes of pure torture and agony testing her willpower. Each and every time she picked up her phone, her fingers itched to text him. Her heart ached to hear his voice. But this was better. Make a clean break, just like he had said before they got in too deep. They’d gone into the relationship knowing it was temporary, that it had a short-term expiration date. What was the point of dragging it out? She wasn’t moving to Seattle. He wasn’t moving back to Connecticut.

  It was finished. Finito. Done.

  Now if she could just get her head and heart to get onboard with the idea. Then she might be able to move on. Find the non-rebound guy. Have non-rebound sex.

  “Hello? Have you heard anything I’ve said, Katarina?” Emily Jones, aka Mom, smiled sweetly as her brows raised.

  “Of course. I agree, we should set up a system for people to preorder their holiday pies and then pick them up at the Fall Festival. It’s a great idea. But I don’t know if I can go to Aspen for Thanksgiving. It’s kind of short notice.”

  “We go every year. Three-hundred-and sixty-five-days’ notice isn’t enough time?” Her mom signaled the waiter and asked for a refill on her wine. Kat took the opportunity to order the chocolate lava cake. A year ago, she wouldn’t even have thought about dessert or of ordering the rich cream sauce on her pasta.

  Having your life flash before your eyes on multiple occasions tends to make you realize life is short . . . eat the damn dessert.

  “Well, yes, I do require a two-year notice now, Mom. Life has gotten very busy.”

  Emily’s smile disappeared as she reached over and took her daughter’s hand. “I’m sorry, you’re right. You’ve had a lot on your plate the last couple of weeks. It’s why your father and I were hoping you’d make it this year. You need a break, honey.”

  What she needed was not a trip to Aspen. What she needed she couldn’t say to her mother.

  Because what she needed was a tall, broad-shouldered, sandy-haired, hazel-eyed firefighter with magical hands, soft, warm lips, and the uncanny ability to make her do bad things.

  But it was more than that. Yes,
she missed the sex. Afterall, it was incredible, toe-curling, moan-out-loud, panty-dropping sex. That didn’t come along every day. If it did, people would be happier in life. She missed their long conversations about anything and everything. She missed arguing about bands and the meaning of songs with him. They’d covered so many topics, and still she had so much more she wanted to talk to him about. To share with him. She missed the deep rumble of his laughter, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled, and his deep love and appreciation of food. But mostly, she missed how he made her feel.

  Competent. Important. Safe. Smart. And sexy as hell.

  But she didn’t tell her mom about any of those feelings or that she wanted to stay home for Thanksgiving break so she could wallow in self-pity. Or maybe she’d reserve a table at David Burke’s Prime Steakhouse at the casino, hit a few slots, and go dancing. She was young, single and free to do anything she wanted. Even sit at home on the couch bingeing on Ben & Jerry’s and watching Mrs. Maisel or Schitt’s Creek.

  The sky was the limit.

  When Kat didn’t expand on her reasons for skipping the family trip to Colorado, and kept changing the subject, her mother had finally given up. They’d enjoyed their dessert and wine before heading home. Emily to her husband and Kat to her kitten.

  She had just settled down to watch The Proposal, again, because really, it didn’t get much better than Betty White and Sandra Bullock together, when a cool breeze wrapped around her. A second later Vinnie appeared in the chair next to her.

  “It’s Friday night. What are you doing at home?” he asked.

  “It’s Friday night. What are you doing here instead of with your ghostly girlfriend, Marilyn?” she retorted.

  “She’s getting ready. We figured we’d pop over to the Elks Lodge. Cut the rug.”

  Kat paused the movie and took in Vinnie’s outfit. He was in his white polyester suit, circa late 1970s, with a black silk shirt. His hair was slicked back and shone as much as his shoes.

  “What does that even mean, cut a rug?”

  “You’re killing me, kid. Dancing. We’re going dancing. Going to go socialize with our friends. Something you should be doing. Man, youth is wasted on the young.”

  “It’s been a long week.”

  “You still pining for the fire marshal?” Vinnie gave her that knowing look that she knew too well, and ignored it.

  “Nope, just tired from wrangling twenty second-graders all week long. Now go. Have fun and let me watch my movie.” She turned back to the TV and picked up the remote.

  “Fine, but if you ask me, and I know you didn’t, you should call him, Kat.” With that he disappeared and the air warmed several degrees.

  She hit play on the remote and settled back with her cat. Vinnie’s words rolled around in her head, taunting her like a triple dog dare. She would not cave. It was time both she and Shawn got on with their lives. Plus, she was busy watching a movie.

  They hadn’t even got to the first scene where Ryan Reynolds’s character disses his boss when she got interrupted again. This time it was a car door slamming in her driveway. “What do you say, Pye-pye? We ignore them?”

  Her beloved cat meowed and sauntered off with her tail in the air as if to say, “I don’t have time for this kind of drama in my life.”

  “I get it, cat. I’m right there with you.” Instead of going to the window to see who her late night visitor was, Kat paused the movie and hoped they’d go away. The last thing she needed was one more person telling her what she should be doing with her life.

  The doorbell rang. Maybe it was a pizza delivery driver who had gotten the wrong house? Right. Pizza at ten o’clock at night? The bell rang again. Persistent bugger. Then her cell phone buzzed. She glanced down as the text message flashed on-screen.

  Shawn: Open your door.

  What? Curious, she did as the text said.

  “Hey there, gorgeous.” Shawn’s uncertain smile and bright eyes turned everything inside of her to mush.

  She opened the door wider to let him in. “What are you doing here?” As soon as the words left her mouth she cringed. She hadn’t meant it the way it came out.

  Shawn cupped her face in his big hands and stepped into her personal space. “Missing you like crazy.”

  Kat’s heart thudded in her chest, her mouth went dry, and she pulled away before she could fling herself into his arms.

  Instead she closed the door, then headed into the kitchen knowing he’d follow. When he did, she looked around, not sure why she’d even gone there. Finally, manners kicked in. “Can I get you something to drink? Water? Wine? Beer?”

  So polite, as if they were just friends, not two people who had spent their last night together exploring every inch of each other as they tried to extend the hours.

  Shawn caught her hand, stopping her from her pacing. “There’s only one thing I want. You.”

  Everything in her stilled at those words. She wanted to yell yes, me too! at the top of her lungs, and tell him how much she’d wanted to hear his voice, to see him, to feel his warmth, strength, and love. But she kept that all locked down tight. “Maybe we should talk.”

  “Fine. Let’s start with you explaining why you’ve been ghosting me these past couple of weeks.” He still had hold of her hand, which she gently tugged free.

  She sat in the chair, not trusting either of them to forego the talking and move straight on to body language. “What do you want me to say, Shawn? We knew this thing between us was temporary. A quick fling before you left, which you did, so now it’s over.”

  The muscle in his jaw clamped down. The vein throbbed as he stared at his hands clasped between his knees. “You couldn’t even say goodbye?”

  “We did. Several times.” She sighed and grabbed a throw pillow, hugging it to her body. As if it could protect her heart. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be bitchy. It’s just—”

  “Better if we make a clean break?”

  “Yes. I mean, that’s what you had wanted before and I didn’t listen. The longer this cyber thing goes on, the harder it’s going to be. I’m surprised you haven’t already moved on.” The thought of him with someone else crushed her soul.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked, truly perplexed by her question as evidenced by the deep creases in his forehead.

  “A guy like you? Sweet, funny, smart, good-looking—”

  “You think I’m all that?”

  “And more,” she whispered, the words catching in her throat. “Women line up to meet men like you.”

  “What if I don’t want to meet anyone else?” His eyes held so much hope it broke her heart.

  Confusion ruled her brain. She couldn’t think when he looked at her like that, with all those emotions swirling around in his hazel eyes. If only there weren’t three thousand miles between their homes. She would have happily thrown herself into his arms and shown him just how much she’d missed him.

  But nothing had changed except he’d brought the conversation she’d been avoiding to her front door.

  “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s true,” he countered.

  “What are we supposed to do? Have a cyber relationship?”

  “Why not? It’s more than my grandparents had when he was in the Navy. And they survived. They were together for forty-five years.”

  Okay, point taken. Kat and Shawn’s generation really did have it made, but the odds still weren’t in their favor. “I don’t even know what to say to that, other than they were very lucky.”

  “Yes, they were. They found their person and stuck it out. My grandparents met a month before he deployed. They fell in love through the mail.”

  Love? Was he saying that’s where he was or thought they were headed, because she was already there. “It’s not that simple. I have a business and family here on the East Coast. You have a career and family on the West Coast. That’s not going to change for either of us.”

  “You never know what the future is goi
ng to bring. Where it will take you. I, for one, want to find out, but I want to do it with you. And if you can’t be by my physical side, then at least virtually for now.”

  He was saying all the right things. Damn him. “But what if—?”

  “There will always be what ifs. Like what if you walk away right now and turn your back on the best thing that’s ever going to happen to either of us?” He held out his hand, offering her the world. “Kat, I don’t know a lot of things, but I know I’m crazy about you. Time and distance aren’t keeping me from thinking about you constantly. They aren’t making me miss you less. And I don’t even want to think about walking out of that door knowing I’ll never see you again.”

  She blew out a breath and stared at his hand before glancing up to meet his gaze. “You’re quite the salesman.”

  There were two options here: she could take his hand, take a risk, and possibly find the love of her life. Or, she could step back, take a risk, and never know.

  Both options scared the life out of her, but she’d promised herself weeks ago, she’d stop living a half life and wouldn’t let fear rule her actions.

  She reached out and laced their fingers together. “You know, I was going to call.”

  “Were you?”

  “No.” She let out a humorless laugh. “But I was thinking about how much I missed hearing your voice. How I hadn’t had a good argument in weeks. And Chinese food didn’t taste nearly as good anymore. How I missed that mischievous little light you get in your eyes when you’ve got dirty thoughts running through your head, and how I’ve missed waking up next to you.”

  She stepped over his legs to straddle him on the couch. Bent down until their mouths were mere millimeters apart. “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed us.”

  With that Shawn lurched forward and their mouths fused. She dug her hands into his hair and he wrapped his arms around her to pull her in closer. They spent minutes, hours, days devouring each other, before Shawn pushed off the couch with her wrapped around him and headed to the bedroom.