Until I Fade

by Kol Anderson

  Without warning, his hands started popping the buttons on Jesse's shirt. Jesse had to force him to stop. "What the fuck, Matt?"

  But Matt didn't answer. Drew him in for a kiss before Jesse could protest.

  Jesse broke away, angry. "Stop it!"

  "Just one kiss," Matt said, his voice low. "I promise."

  Everything was falling into place. Or maybe Jesse just needed it to. "One kiss."

  Matt pushed him into the wall and Jesse cried from the pain. Matt flipped him over, a little rough, making him stand against the wall and Jesse was crying again from the hurt as Matt lifted the shirt to take a look at his back.

  "Fuck!" he snapped. "Do you have any idea what he's done? I'm going to kill that bastard when I get my hands on him."

  "Matt, let go of me!"

  "Shut up and stand still."

  "Matt!"

  "Shut up and stand still, Jesse. I mean it."

  Matt slid the jeans slowly off his hips and cursed. "I'm going to get that bastard arrested!"

  He turned Jesse around, gently this time. "Jesse! What the hell is wrong with you?"

  "He didn't rape me. I let him."

  "You let him do that to you? Why?"

  "I wanted it…I just…wanted it."

  "You really think I'm going to fall for that?"

  "I'm not lying."

  "Why would you want that? This!"

  "I don't know, okay, I just needed to…fuck…I needed to feel something other than the damn hole you left me Matt!"

  Something about that line lessened Matt's anger. "Stay the night," he said. "Let me help you."

  "No."

  "Jesse—"

  "No, Matt. You don't get to do this. You don't just get to just waltz into my life anytime and act like everything's fine, and then leave and fuck other people. You're worse than Noah if you're doing it because at least Noah doesn't act like he cares."

  "Look. I was wrong to lead you into thinking we could be exclusive, wrong to think that I was even capable of being exclusive, Jesse. But I'm sick and tired of apologizing for who I am."

  "No, I get that. I don't expect you to apologize for what you think you are, or what you think you didn't do to me. Just, don't do this then. Let me deal with my own shit. Deal with not having you around every time I fall."

  "You'll walk out on a good thing just because there are no promises?"

  "Guess I'll have to, won't I? At least until I become evolved enough to understand your idea of a relationship."

  Matt was silent but only for a second. "You can barely walk," he said. "You think your mother won't notice someone beat the shit out of her only son? What are you going to tell her? Have the BDSM lifestyle talk? Explain those fucking wounds to her?"

  Reality dawned, and Jesse's anger subsided. "I hadn't thought of that," he admitted. "Shit. What the fuck am I going to do? She's already sick."

  "How sick?"

  Jesse paused before answering. "The treatment we were trying out," he said. "It didn't work."

  "Fuck. She sounded fine on the phone!"

  "Yeah, well. She has good days and bad days."

  "So, what now?"

  "Now, we try something else. There's some clinical trial going on. She already signed up for it. So, I'm going to let her. It's her choice."

  "Shit, I'm sorry."

  "She pulled through the last time. She'll be fine. She's strong."

  "Stay here for tonight," Matt said. "Please, Jesse. Just for tonight, that's all I'm asking. If we give her a call from here, she won't worry about you. The worst she'll assume is a booty call."

  Jesse smiled a little then, but there were tears in his eyes. "Matt—"

  "Save it," Matt said. "Let's just get you out of these clothes and I will go bring the first aid stuff. I won't try to do anything, Jesse, I promise. I won't even be mad at you. This is just me, being a friend. Okay?"

  Jesse was so glad to have some help after being lost and alone for so long, he didn't complain. Didn't even try to stop Matt or stop himself from accepting his help. He needed to slow down, needed to just slow the fuck down even if it was only for one night.

  "Okay."

  4

  It's the worst feeling in the world, seeing him with someone else. There's nothing I wouldn't do, no limits I won't go to get him back. But he won't give me a chance. He won't so much as look at me because he thinks I don't belong to him anymore.

  But that's the whole thing.

  I don't belong anywhere.

  Doesn't matter where I go or who I am with I am always alone. There’s something wrong with me, there has to be, because no one else seems quite as miserable at being without a master.

  But don't we all owe our freedom to something?

  People are slaves, aren't they? To their jobs, to their partners, to their children, even to their lifestyles? Slaves to society's rules?

  We all have those little kinks that we don't tell anyone about, because we think we're going to be judged for them.

  In a world where slavery is the norm, I'm a slave to my needs.

  To him.

  And I need to get him back.

  Staying the night with Matt had been nice, but Jesse chose not to let himself get carried away in some fantasy he knew wasn't about to come true. Still, the wounds were too bad for him to even move much the first couple of days. Days that he had to spend with Matt in that place, their old place and it was so confusing. But the minute he was up and feeling better, Jesse went back to work. He didn't need his boss getting mad, and he couldn't risk losing the job. Matt seemed angry when he got back from work, but said nothing. Jesse told him clearly that he was only staying until he was able to sit with his mother without wincing, and not a moment extra. By telling him that, he was also reinforcing his own decision. It took about a week for him to actually start feeling well enough to go back home. Noah had been calling him forever. He couldn't speak about that in front of Matt, so even though Matt tried to initiate that conversation a few times, Jesse didn't let him continue.

  He made sure Matt knew he was only there as a friend, and nothing else. He didn't want to give Matt ideas, and more importantly, he was saving himself from getting ideas.

  When he left for home, he finally picked up Noah's call.

  "I saw you leave with Matt that night," Noah told him right out.

  "So?"

  "I know what's going on between you two. At least, the major stuff. I know he cheated on you."

  "What's your point?"

  "My point is, I want you back."

  "That's not happening," Jesse said, with all the finality he could muster in his voice. "I won't be seeing you again. I don't know how I've let things go this far. So, stop calling me."

  "You know you're never going to get him, Jesse. Matt will never be yours."

  The words filled Jesse with a rage he couldn't get a handle on. "That's none of your business."

  "We can't be granted every wish in life," Noah said. "Especially the ones we want the most. You need to stop thinking about him. If you want to move on, you need to take a step in the opposite direction."

  "So, basically I should replace you with Matt and cross my fingers?"

  "Matt is a dream, Jesse. People don't get dreams because dreams want nothing to do with them. We're the ones going after those fantasies like sappy idiots, hurting ourselves every time we do it. I'm the real deal, Jesse. I'm the one you actually can get. And I know things got a little out of hands the last time, but I can take care of you. Think about it."

  "Why can't you just find a sub who can take your kind of pain?"

  "Because I have a dream too," Noah said. "And you're the face of it."

  "I don't know if I can do this."

  "At least I won't go around fucking other people behind your back. I'll be true to you, Jesse. Always. I'll never break your heart."

  But you'll break my body.

  "I need time," Jesse said. "Think this through."

  He could hear the smile in
Noah's voice. "Take all the time you need."

  * * * *

  Jesse was at home trying to make sure his mother was comfortable on the bed. The new treatment had started with even worse side effects than before. It was only the small hope that the treatment might actually be working that made the side effects bearable. Otherwise, she just looked sicker than before.

  "How's Matt?" his mother asked out of nowhere.

  "Mom, you need to stop worrying about other people. You need your rest."

  "I'm fine Jesse, it's not like this is something completely new for me, you know?"

  "Mom," Jesse said. "I don't know what to say to you anymore."

  "So, don't. Just tell me how Matt is."

  "He's fine, mom."

  "You mean he must be fine?"

  Jesse wondered for a second what he should respond with. "Yes," he confessed. "He must be fine. I have no idea because I haven't talked to him since…"

  "Since, you spent an entire week at his place."

  "Mom, I'm okay. We're just, sorting through some stuff."

  His mother placed a hand on his arm. "I've never seen you this sad," she said. "It scares me."

  It scares me too, mom. More than you know.

  "It's just a break up," he told her. "Like any other break up. This stuff takes time."

  "I hope that's all it is," she said. "If I find out that you were lying to me and there is something else, I'm going to be mad at you."

  "There's nothing else, so you need to stop worrying about me," he said, and forced himself to say the next words with conviction. "I can take care of myself."

  5

  LOST

  I need to find myself.

  I've been so lost, hiding behind my submissive nature, hiding behind abuse. Is that what's wrong? That I can't bear the thought of being by myself? That I just can't stop doubting my capacity to accomplish things on my own? Why do I feel so bereft at Matt's leaving that I'll do anything to distract myself? Including suffering through Noah's torture just because he's someone, something?

  Matt snapped the journal shut. He couldn't go on, couldn't read any more of this. But that's what he had told himself when he had realized Jesse had left his journal here. He hadn't touched it for a while, just like people are wont to do initially and then, like a nosy mother going through her teenage son's stuff, he had just flipped it open one day and once the crime had been committed there was no going back.

  He had already read some of that stuff twice. This was the last entry. All Jesse had talked about in those pages was related to Matt or his mother. As if they were the only two people who existed in his world, until he had started to add in bits about Noah. Matt hadn't understood it before, why Jesse let Noah get this far, but now he was beginning to. It made sense in some strange, unbelievable way but it did make sense.

  It wasn't Matt's first time dealing with submissives. He knew they had this in their nature, the need to be wanted, to be liked more than other people, the need to latch on to something, but with Jesse, it had been different. He didn't know why, didn't know how but for more than two years he had ended up being exclusive with him. And then, that night, this other guy came up and he was having an argument with Jesse as usual, and it just happened.

  But so what? He didn't owe Jesse anything, and there was no need to feel sorry for himself. This is who he was, the kind of guy who obviously got lured into one night stands and flings and there was no way he was going to promise Jesse something he couldn't give. No. Jesse was too…special for that. Too vulnerable. And Matt knew him well enough. Knew Jesse's tendency to get jealous and his need to feel like he was the only one, and while Matt understood that need, he didn't think he was the right person for it.

  He was well aware of his own tendency to cheat and to mess up relationships. And now, reading through the journal, he was just plain confused. What was this obsession Jesse had with him? He had never thought of it this way, but his words, they were making him feel miserable about the whole thing. Miserable and confused. He wasn't this person, wasn't this guy that Jesse thought he was. He wasn't as perfect or as sure of himself, or even as good a Dom as Jesse thought. But had Jesse really been looking through some kind of haze for all the time they had been together?

  He wondered how many other journals he had dumped someplace without ever showing anyone. The sound of the doorbell shook him out of his thoughts, and he got up to answer the door. The guy standing in front of him was extremely hot and extremely new. He wouldn't latch on to me, Matt thought, looking at the guy's ample chest. He won't place me on a pedestal and talk about me like I'm some kind of god. Yes, Matt Townsend was just a regular guy with a regular life and he wanted it to stay that way. Jesse would have to find someone else.

  * * * *

  Matt had truly believed that he had it all figured out.

  Thought he had analyzed and gone over the whole thing in his head plenty of times to have gotten a handle on it. And then, he came down from his room to find Jesse sitting at the bar with Noah, and everything just kind of didn't make sense again. Just watching Jesse with him was enough to rile Matt up in the worst possible way. Everything else be damned, he needed to stop this. Matt walked over to them, and Jesse saw him and the look on his face was a mixture of confusion and alarm.

  Matt tapped Noah's shoulder and the minute Noah's face was in front of him, he swung. Noah was about to charge back on him like a wounded bull, when Jesse managed to stop him.

  "Matt!"

  But Matt wasn't listening to him. His attention was focused at Noah. "Leave him alone," he said, and he may as well have been breathing fire. "And you," he looked at Jesse, standing to one side. "You're coming with me."

  "Matt—"

  "Shut up. I don't want to hear another word. You obviously aren't capable of taking care of yourself. You're coming with me."

  "Matt—"

  "I just specifically told you to shut up, didn't I?"

  Jesse made no further comment. "That's better," Matt said, and then turned his attention to Noah again. "And you need to get the fuck out of here before I call the authorities and tell them what you're really doing. I've got pictures of Jesse from that night. If I hear that you're torturing some kid again, I am coming after you."

  "Matt listen—" he heard Jesse trying to intervene, probably reminding him that there were no such pictures.

  "Jesse, what part of shut the fuck up and stand there do you not understand?"

  "We were just talking," Noah said. "I was apologizing for that day, you can ask him."

  "I don't need to ask him anything," Matt said. "He's mine, Noah. Leave him alone and back the fuck off. I don't want to see you near him again, and I certainly don't want you calling him. I don't even want to hear you taking his name."

  Noah looked over at Jesse once and then back at Matt and though Matt seemed prepared for a reaction, nothing happened. Noah must have decided it wasn't worth the trouble. "Fuck you both," he said, before he turned and left. The people who had gathered around them scattered away and Matt caught on to Jesse's arm, dragging him toward the elevator.

  "I'm going to take you up to my room," Matt told him. "Do you have any objection to that?"

  "You told me not to speak—"

  "Fuck, Jesse! Just fucking speak, okay?"

  "Are you going to sleep around?"

  "I will try not to. But if I fuck up, then I fuck up."

  "No!" Jesse yanked his hand away. "No, you promise me, Matt."

  "Jesse, I never wanted to cheat on you before. But it happened, it just fucking happened and God, I've missed you…missed you so fucking much but I thought, I thought you'd be better off without me!"

  "So, what changed?"

  "I don't know! All I know is, ever since you've been with him, I've been fucked up. It was different, somehow, when you were alone. I thought I could handle it, thought I could handle you being with someone else."

  "But you can't?"

  "No, I can't, obviously!"

&nb
sp; "So, let me get this straight—you're asking me to come back?"

  "Yes, Jesse. I'm asking you to come back."

  "Promise me," Jesse said. "Tell me you won't sleep with anyone else. And if we fuck up, well we'll deal with that, then. But you have to promise me. I'm not going to be in some fucking open relationship. That's not me, Matt. You know that's not me."

  "Fine. Jesse, I promise. I won't sleep with anyone else."

  "You won't hurt me again like that, will you?"

  "No."

  "Then, I have no further objections to you taking me to our room."

  Our room. Matt smiled. "Thank you," he said, and then looked around. "Now can we please go? Everyone is staring at us."

  "Let them."

  "You always have been a fan of PDAs."

  They walked up to the elevator and Matt pressed the button.

  "Okay, in the interest of full disclosure," Jesse said, while they waited. "I wasn't going to go back to him."

  "What?"

  "I just came here to tell him to never call me again."

  "So, you had no intention of going back to him."

  "Nope."

  "So that whole thing I just did, it was all for nothing? You weren't really in any sort of danger?"

  "Well, not for nothing. You sticking up for me in there, I thought that was pretty hot."

  "Right. So, I basically just got manipulated into playing out your fantasy?"

  "Did I ask you to stop me? Or punch him?"

  "No, but—"

  "Do you want to leave? Would you rather be with someone else?"

  The answer came after a soul-searching pause. "No."

  "Then what's the problem?"

  Matt grinned. "No problem," he said, hitting the elevator button again purely out of habit. "But you know you're going to pay for this, don't you?"

  "Yeah, I know."

  "And not one of those, it's hot when you spank me and make me come, kind of ways either. Pay, as in, really pay for it."

  "Yep. I'm fully aware of that."

  "Good," Matt said. "As long as we're clear."

  They had to wait some more before the elevator finally came down, and they both stepped in. The doors closed, and they started to move up slowly in silence.