by T. S. Joyce
“Okay. But…we’ll be late to the celebration of life.”
He huffed a sigh and closed the space between them. He didn’t do the knight-in-shining-armor move most men would. He didn’t do the romantic thing. He didn’t hug her tight to his chest and kiss her until she forgot about the red flags and sirens going off in her head.
Instead, he pushed her back against her front door and rested his forehead against hers, gripping her shirt so tight it tugged the material lower. “You should know I’m not okay. Not even a little bit.”
“Don’t apologize,” she whispered, closing her eyes and pressing her palms against his taut chest.
“If you can’t get it in your head to be with a mated crow…I can’t blame you. It ain’t like with other shifters, and there will be times when you will feel like second place. And I fuckin’ hate it, but this is all I have until the broken bond ruins me.”
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
“I thought I would never get Ten out of my head,” he whispered low. “Not even for a second. And then you came along, and you gave me that, too.”
“Gave you what.”
“Hope.”
Ooooh. Perhaps this was why she was here. Everything happened for a reason, and she’d been waiting and paying attention, wondering when she would figure out her place in his story. Perhaps this was the role she was supposed to play in his life. She was here for the hope of a crow. But Vina wanted more. She wanted so much more, and he couldn’t give it.
So all this would be was friendship.
Friendship.
That word hurt so bad.
She’d wanted a mate to only see her, and what had she done? Fallen for a man who could only see another.
But he wasn’t okay. He was asking for help, and what did she have to lose now? She could reach behind her, open the door, and let herself into her house and out of his life. Or she could be the light for his darkness until he flew away. Because he would. He’d said the bond would ruin him, and she knew about broken mating bonds. She knew about ruin. She’d been gutted, too.
Vina threw her arms around his neck and held on tight, even when he tried to ease away. “Stop it, Ram. This is all I get. This is the moment everything changes, and I want to hug a man I was starting to like before I have to pull my heart off him.”
“Stop talking like that. That’s not how things work. You said you were a tough girl.”
“I am. You’ll see now when I have to make myself see you as only a friend. My light isn’t going to taste as good anymore.”
Ramsey slid his arms around her ribs and crushed her to him, but there was no romantic kiss. Instead, he growled in her ear. “It’ll taste better.” And then he released her so fast she stumbled forward.
Ramsey strode to his bike, running his hand through his blond hair, and didn’t look back. He was leaving it up to her to follow. Breath shaking, she made her way after him. And when she reached him, he had his gaze averted to the handlebars of his bike, but in his hand was offered her helmet. Another choice. Take it, or don’t.
Vina gave one last look at her house…at sanctuary…at a safe place for her heart, but she was more reckless since she’d met Ramsey, and she took the helmet from him. And when she got on the motorcycle behind him, he slid his hand onto her thigh, keeping her steady as he straightened out the bike. That touch…
His hand was so warm on her leg, and here in this moment, her heart felt very unsafe, but the rest of her reached for him. And losing her mind completely, she slid her arms around his waist and laid a tiny kiss on the indentation of his spine, right between the flexed muscles of his back.
If he noticed, he didn’t react. He only put his hands on the bars and gunned it away from her house. She didn’t know where they were going, and as the wind whipped at her cheeks, she didn’t really care. Her eyes burned with tears she wouldn’t ever let fall because he shouldn’t apologize for this part of himself—the part that had fallen in love with someone else and got stuck.
She knew all about that.
Chapter Eleven
She’d kissed him.
And it wasn’t like before when Ramsey had wanted to shock her in the dressing room of Harley Davidson. Tonight, she’d been upset, and her soft brown eyes had held panic and sadness when she’d realized how messed up he really was. And still…she’d kissed him.
Just a tiny peck on his back, but she’d made the sweetest little smacking sound.
This girl was no Crow Chaser. She was real. And good down to her core. Much too good for him. Ramsey had already made up his mind to ruin her because she was time—she was sand added to his hourglass. She made him steady enough to think straight, and his Clan needed him to think straight right now.
Reporters were calling the clubhouse asking for interviews, and they were about to face an uncertain future as targets. With the celebration of life and the disaster that was inside his head, Ramsey needed Vina to understand why he was going to ruin her. He wanted her to see how he’d become the monster, and hopefully…hopefully…accept him enough to stick around until he was too far gone.
He needed her time.
And yeah, he knew what he was asking of her. She’d been hurt. That much was clear from some of the things she’d said today. Maybe she’d been paired up before too, and got all messed up in the head like him. But Vina was a lone shifter who had a shot at recovery, while he was a mate-for-one-lifetime crow who was poisoning the bonds of two dozen Clan members.
Selfish asshole that he was, he wanted her to like him enough to stick around.
He turned slowly under the sign for Two Claws Ranch. This might get him killed, but the bears were fair. They wouldn’t hurt Vina. She hadn’t done anything wrong. And if he got shot or mauled, meh. Maybe it would be easier to end it here. Yeah, this was a long-shot, but for Vina’s time…for Vina’s light…for the smiles Vina gave him, he would do far worse.
He wanted to pat her little feminine hands. Hyper awareness had been something he’d rediscovered around her. Every touch sizzled against his skin. It was as if The Crow was trying to reject her hands. Sometimes it burned, like now, but a piece of him still wanted to put his hand there to reassure her he enjoyed her touch, even if it wasn’t the truth.
She’d really kissed his back.
Had Ten ever voluntarily touched him or kissed him without him pleading? Never. Not once. She’d been disgusted by him, and he’d felt worthless for years. It was an odd combination for a dominant Alpha. He had to appear to have his shit together for all the men looking to him for strength, when behind closed doors, he couldn’t even make his mate happy for a second. Not one second. Not once did she look at him with the dreamy look Vina sometimes did.
So why the fuck had his crow chosen Ten, and not someone like Vina?
Everything was so messed up.
“Are we in Two Claws Territory?” Vina asked over the noise of the engine.
“Yep.”
“They’re going to be mad we are here, aren’t they?”
Vina was quick as a whip. No use lying to smart girls. “Yep.”
She held on a little tighter, and he fought the urge once again to rest his hand over hers. It wouldn’t do her any good for him to lead her on. All he needed was her time, not her heart.
The thought sickened him.
He wished he could be a good man who deserved her heart too, but he would never utter that thought out loud. Vina was from a different world. She was from daylight, and he was the night.
In the clearing where the Two Claws Clan lived in cabins, one big and one small, Ramsey came to a rolling stop and cut the engine.
Hairpin Trigger, the tall, musclebound grizzly shifter Alpha of this Clan, sauntered out of the barn with the Warmaker, his Second, right on his heels. Their eyes glowed bright gold. Ramsey was probably about to get more scars on his knuckles.
“If you’re here to take your cattle back, fuck off,” Colton, the Warmaker, called. “We sold them at auction a
lready.”
“That was a gift. I ain’t here for that,” Ramsey said.
“What do you want, Crow,” Trigger growled.
“I need to speak with Ten.”
Behind them, Kurt and Ten were standing in the barn doorway, glaring at him.
“Ten!” Trigger called without looking back over his shoulder. “Do you want to speak with Ramsey? Or do you want me to kill him for trespassing?”
“I don’t want to talk,” Ten called. She looked good. Happy. Cheeks all pink from the cool wind or anger, he didn’t know. She was wearing a red and black plaid shirt and Wranglers tucked into a pair of cowgirl boots. She leaned against Kurt as he whispered something in her ear. Her brown eyes softened, and she called out, “But I don’t want him killed either. Who’s the girl?”
“I’m trying…” God, how did Ramsey even finish that sentence? With a sigh, he left it at that and repeated softer, “I’m trying.”
Ten cocked her head and stared at Vina, who still had her arms clutched around him. She was shaking slightly. “You’re safe,” Ramsey promised her. He would kill anyone who tried to touch a hair on her head. Light deserved protection, and his soul had the scorch marks of a dozen kills. A few more wouldn’t make any difference. “If you won’t talk to me, will you talk to Vina?” Ramsey asked. “I know you don’t owe me anything, Ten. I’m asking a lot, I know, but she doesn’t understand me, and she won’t be able to understand me until she talks to you.”
“Are you Ramsey’s girl?” Ten called, easing away from Kurt and toward them a few steps.
“I wish,” Vina admitted. “He’s not mine to have, though.”
Goddamn, what those two words did to his insides. His entire chest constricted, and for a second, he thought The Crow would revolt and rip out of him.
Ten stood there, shifting her weight from side to side, studying Vina, then Ramsey, then Vina again. At last, she twitched her head toward the woods and took off at a brisk pace.
“Ten, you good?” Kurt asked.
“Yes,” his mate said crisply.
“Good,” said the tall mountain lion shifter, his eyes bright silver. “Because if you even look at her wrong, I’ll use your fuckin’ carcass to light a death oath on your entire Clan. And I won’t stop the war, Ramsey. Not this time.”
No one talked to him like that. Ramsey gritted his teeth against the urge to tell him off and beat the shit out of him, but that wasn’t why he was here. He understood Kurt was protecting his mate. Ramsey would do the same thing for Vina. He frowned. If Vina was his mate. And if she needed saving. Or if someone threatened… Fuck. Ramsey shook the confusion from his head and held out his hand to help Vina off the back. But when her new boots hit the ground, a shout from Ten echoed from the woods. “You too, Ramsey. Hurry up, I ain’t got all day.”
God, he hated it here.
Vina walked right at his side as they made their way into Two Claws Woods. There had been a war here not so long ago. More than one. The shifters here had painted this place in the blood of the Darby Clan and several of Red Dead Mayhem as well. Ramsey fought hard not to think about that part, or he would get to lighting another death oath on the Two Claws Clan right here. Already, he was flicking open and closed the metal lid of his Zippo lighter, a habit to calm himself down.
Ten was up ahead, but she turned abruptly at a clearing. There was a half circle of logs. “This was the first place Kurt saw my human skin,” she said, looking Ramsey dead in the eyes. “I panicked because I felt like my human side was ugly. And look at me now.”
“I am.”
“No! Really look at me. I’m happy. I’m human most of the time now. And that ain’t all.” Ten lifted her chin proudly. “I gotta little baby in me now. He’ll be a squirrel like me. A little brother to Gunner. Another son for Kurt. He’ll be part of the heart of this place.” Ten’s bottom lip quivered, and her eyes filled with tears. “I’m really happy, Ramsey. Don’t take that away from me.”
The vision of Ten pushing that machete into her chest during the war doubled him over. Ramsey squatted down on the green grass and scrubbed his hands down his beard, searching for the steady that Vina had given him today. Ten had been prepared to kill herself rather than come back to him.
“I know,” he gritted out. “I’m not trying to take your happiness. That’s not why I’m here.”
“Then why do I see your crow here at nights?”
Ramsey shook his head. “The Crow does his own thing now. I don’t have much control anymore.”
“But…” Vina said softly, her voice tainted with confusion. “He comes to me at nights.”
Ten frowned. “His crow?”
Vina nodded and sat down on the grass beside Ramsey, slid her hand onto his knee, and there it was. There was that steadiness. He inhaled deeply with the relief.
“Are you fixing him?” Ten asked. Was that hope in her voice?
Ram held out a hand and said, “Don’t worry about me—”
“Stupid boy,” Ten said. “Of course I worry about you. I’m scared of you taking my happiness, and I’m scared you’ll never find yours. I didn’t want to poison you. Can’t you see that? I didn’t want your crow to see me as his. I waited all those years for you to see the girls who looked at you like you were everything, but your eyes went vacant around them, and you only came to life when you looked at me. I didn’t want that. I wanted you to find someone else. Someone who could…”
“Care for me back,” Ramsey finished her sentence grimly.
“Yeah. That.”
The silence became so heavy, his chest hurt with the weight. He shouldn’t have brought Vina here. This was a bad decision because she was so quiet and sad-looking beside him. She’d said she never cried. Tough girl. But her eyes were rimming with tears now. He’d messed up. He was hurting her.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured to both of them.
“It’s okay,” Ten said, at the exact same time Vina said, “Don’t you dare apologize.”
Vina straightened her little spine and threw a piece of grass she’d been ripping to shreds. “Ten, I’m pissed at you.”
“What?” Ramsey asked.
Ten stood there shocked, her mouse-brown eyebrows arching nearly to her hairline.
“I’m…I’m…pissed! I don’t cuss, and piss is a cussword to me, but I don’t care. If you only knew what you threw away…” Vina stood in a rush and dusted grass off her backseat. “Your loss is my gain. And someday I’m going to come back here and ask you to go drinking with me. I’m gonna buy you a shot and look at pictures of your little baby and be so happy we’re all okay, but right now, I’m angry. He’s breaking. You get that, right? You brought out the worst in him! It’s great that you’re happy and everything worked out, but it didn’t work out for Ramsey. And now I get to watch him—watch him—spiral! Well, F that—”
“Woman, if you’re gonna rampage, rampage right,” Ramsey said, standing up beside her. She was so fucking sexy right now.
“I mean…fuck that!” Vina was wringing her hands now and pacing. “So to answer your question…yes, I’m going to fix him. Somehow. I’m gonna make him like to touch me because right now he flinches when I do! And I’m gonna make him see me because I see him for exactly what he is! And he’s hot. And sort of nice. And he’s tough. And did I mention hot? And even though he probably is a little bit of a psychopath, he makes me feel safe, and I like that!” Vina spun and stomped off. She got to the tree line before she turned around and pointed a finger at Ten. Ramsey thought she would say something vile, but instead she yelled, “And congratulations on your baby. That’s really good news.” Her eyes were glowing a whiskey brown and looked so different when she jerked her gaze to Ramsey’s. “Now, get on the motorcycle!”
And then she stomped off loudly, breaking every limb she stepped on as she disappeared into the woods.
Whaaaaat the fuuuuuuuck?
“I think she could be a biter,” Ten said with a smile in her voice. “I like her.”
And in a small but important victory, Ramsey didn’t look back at Ten.
He only looked forward.
Chapter Twelve
Vina needed to Change tonight.
She’d been so furious at Ten. Angry that anyone could throw Ramsey away like that. She was feeling very protective, and sometimes that wasn’t a good thing with her. Sometimes it was very, very bad. Sometimes it made her moose turn into an eight-foot-tall war machine, so in order to avoid stomping the stuffing out of the next person who upset her, she should just take her destiny by the balls and let the moose have a night of running around the woods doing moose stuff.
But right now, she needed to be there for Ramsey. Funerals were really sad. And though she’d never been a part of a Clan, because moose were rare, she had researched them. Ram was Alpha, and he had little invisible bonds to each of the crows who had pledged their fealty to him. And each death snapped a bond like a rubber band and lashed against an Alpha’s soul. And the pain stayed for a long time. Forever perhaps. Alphas just had to get used to pain. Though Ram looked strong and steady, the scent of ache that wafted from his skin was unmistakable. She’d never wished this before, but she would’ve given just about anything to take some of it upon herself and make tonight easier for him.
Ramsey cut the engine of his Harley. Vina frowned at the rock music bumping from the clubhouse so loud it shook the bike. There were three bikers outside with their arms around each other, slurring their words in a song she couldn’t understand a single word of. Funerals were supposed to be sad. Apparently Crows didn’t act right.
“We do celebrations of life a little differently,” Ramsey explained, but she didn’t miss the grimness in his voice. This night would be rough on him.
He helped her off the motorcycle and unclipped her helmet before she even got the chance to try. He dangled the helmet from the handlebar, and then he did something that shocked her into stillness. He cupped her cheeks, splayed his legs, and hunched down to eye-level. “What you did back there means more than you’ll ever know.”
