The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays
Page 16
(Pause. The boys look at him blankly, baffled.)
ABEL: Eh?
EASY: I’ll need a bit of a hand, being as I’m on my own, seeing as my mate got struck down in a thunderstorm on the A412 near Rickmansworth—a bizarre accident … a bolt from the blue, zig-zagged right on to the perforated snout of his Micky Mouse gas mask. He was delivering five of them at the bacteriological research children’s party—entering into the spirit of it—when, shazam!—it was an electrifying moment, left his nose looking more like Donald Duck and his ears like they popped out of a toaster. He sounded like a cuckoo clock striking twelve.
(EASY relates story with considerable gusto, but to his disappointment it falls flat being, of course, not understood.) Right you are then, lads. Where do you want them?
(Another long pause, BAKER takes a step forward towards EASY, pleased with himself for having a good idea.)
BAKER: By heaven I charge thee speak!
(Pause.)
EASY: Who are you then?
BAKER: (Encouragingly.) William Shakespeare.
EASY: (To ABEL.) Cretin is he?
BAKER: (Looking at his wrist watch.) Trog-taxi.
EASY: I thought so. (Looking at CHARLIE.) Are you all a bit peculiar, then? Where’s the guvnor?
(DOGG enters briskly.)
DOGG: Useless! [*Afternoon!]
BOYS: Useless, git! [*Afternoon, sir!]
EASY: Afternoon, squire. [This means in Dogg, *Get stuffed, you bastard.]
(DOGG grabs EASY by the lapels in a threatening manner.)
DOGG: Marzipan clocks! [*Watch it!]
(DOGG produces a piece of paper which is a plan of the construction which is to be made on the stage. This is quite a large piece of paper and the steps and wall which are to be built are discernible on it. DOGG examines the paper briefly and then starts positioning the boys.)
Abel…
ABEL: Slab, git. [*Yes, sir.]
DOGG: (Pointing towards the lorry.) Pontoon crumble.
ABEL: Slab, git.
(ABEL goes out towards the lorry.)
DOGG: Baker…
(BAKER pays attention.)
Brick. [*Here.]
(He positions BAKER next to the wing near the lorry.)
BAKER: Slab, git.
DOGG: Cube. [*Thank you.] (To CHARLIE.) Charlie.
CHARLIE: Slab, git.
DOGG: Brick.
(He positions CHARLIE in line with BAKER and the lorry. EASY stands next CHARLIE in the place where the steps are to be built. To BAKER and CHARLIE.) Plank? [*Ready?]
BAKER/CHARLIE: Plank, git. [*Ready, sir.]
DOGG: (Calling out to ABEL.) Plank?
ABEL: (Off-stage.) Plank, git.
(DOGG gives the piece of paper to EASY who studies it warily. EASY puts the paper in his pocket.)
DOGG: (Calling out to ABEL loudly—shouts.) Plank!
(To EASY’s surprise and relief a plank is thrown to BAKER who catches it, passes it to CHARLIE, who passes it to EASY, who places it on the stage, DOGG smiles, looks encouragingly at EASY.)
EASY: (Uncertainly, calls.) Plank!
To his surprise and relief a second plank is thrown in and passed to him the same way. He places it.)
Plank!
(A third plank is thrown in and positioned as before, DOGG leaves, satisfied. Note: EASY is going to build a platform, using ‘planks’, ‘slabs’, ‘blocks’ and ‘cubes’ so that the platform is stepped, with the steps upstage.
Confidently, calls.) Plank!
(A block is thrown instead of a plank. When it reaches EASY, he passes it back to CHARLIE who passes it back to BAKER, who turns and places it on the floor upstage. While BAKER is upstage EASY has repeated his call.)
Plank!!
(A second block is thrown straight into CHARLIE’s arms. CHARLIE passes it to EASY who passes it back to CHARLIE who takes it upstage to join the first block on the floor, EASY shouts.)
Plank!!!
(A plank is thrown straight to him and he places it gratefully on the floor next to the other three. EASY takes another look at the plans and replaces them into his pocket. He shouts.)
Slab!
(BAKER and CHARLIE have resumed their positions. A slab is thrown in, caught by BAKER, passed to CHARLIE, passed to EASY, who places it on top of the planks, EASY shouts.)
Slab!
(A second slab is thrown in and passed to EASY who places it. A third slab likewise reaches EASY. He needs four for his construction. He shouts.)
Slab!
(A block is thrown to BAKER, passed to CHARLIE, passed to EASY, who impatiently passes it back to CHARLIE who passes it back to BAKER who takes it upstage, EASY shouts.)
Slab!
(Another block is thrown, straight to CHARLIE who passes it to EASY who passes it back to CHARLIE who walks upstage with it and places it on the floor.)
Slab!
ABEL: (Enters smiling.) Slab?
EASY: Nit!
ABEL: Nit?
EASY: Git! Slab.
(ABEL leaves and a moment later another block comes flying across to EASY who catches it, throws it furiously at BAKER and CHARLIE, who catch it and put it down, EASY walks off into the wings.
From his satchel CHARLIE produces a small transistor radio which he turns on. He is lucky enough to catch his favourite song, half-way through the first verse, which we have already heard. CHARLIE sings.)
EASY: (Off-stage.) Useless.
ABEL: (Politely, off-stage.) Useless, git.
(There is the sound of a slap and a sharp cry from ABEL. EASY re-enters carrying a slab. DOGG now re-enters with a tray of
button-holes. He puts this down and picks up the box of flags.)
DOGG: (Calling off-stage to ABEL.) Abel!
ACTA: Slab, git.
DOGG: Brick.
(ABEL enters, holding his ear and glancing aggrievedly at EASY. DOGG starts handing out the flags, starting with ABEL, who on receiving his flag goes back off-stage. DOGG hands flags to BAKER, CHARLIE and some of the audience, counting the flags as he gives them out.)
Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, tun, what, dunce …
(EASY, who has placed the slab and is watching DOGG, takes a step towards him.)
EASY: What?
(DOGG takes this as a correction.)
DOGG: Dunce.
EASY: What??
DOGG: Dunce!
EASY: What??
(DOGG irritably does a re-count, aloud, and finds that he was right…)
DOGG: Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, tun, what, dunce!
EASY: Oh!
DOGG: (Witheringly.) Pax!
(DOGG then turns his attention to the button-holes, EASY expects to be given one.)
(To EASY.) Nit!
(He gives a button-hole to CHARLIE.)
CHARLIE: Cube, git.
DOGG: Block. [*Next.]
(BAKER comes forward and receives his button-hole.)
BAKER: Cube, git.
DOGG: (Calls out to ABEL.) Block! Abel!
(ABEL comes on and receives his button-hole. ABEL is holding his ear in an aggrieved manner, looking at EASY.)
ABEL: Cube, git.
(ABEL retires back to the lorry, DOGG looks expectantly at EASY.)
DOGG: Slab? [*Okay?]
EASY: Block.
DOGG: Slab.
EASY: Block.
DOGG: Slab.
(He obviously expects EASY to carry on with the work, EASY re-examines the plan, replaces it in his pocket and nervously calls out to ABEL.)
EASY: Block!
(To his surprise and relief a block is thrown in. By this time CHARLIE, who had guiltily turned off the radio as soon as DOGG entered, has gone back to his receiving position, as has BAKER. The block is passed down the line to EASY who places it on top of the slabs. He calls out.)
Block!
(Another block follows the same route, DOGG leaves satisfied. EASY calls out.)
Block!
(A slab is heaved on. BAKER catches it and passes it to CHARLIE who, however, anticipates EASY’s reaction and takes it back upstage to join the blocks on the floor. EASY shouts out.)
Block!
(Another slab is heaved on and BAKER no less astutely takes it upstage, EASY marches off towards ABEL.)
CHARLIE: Cretin is he?
BAKER: Cretin is he?—Trog—taxi—marmalade. [*Marmalade denotes pleasure and approval.]
EASY: (Off-stage.) Great Oaf!
ABEL: Git?
(This is followed by another cry of pain from ABEL, CHARLIE has turned his radio on again. The radio emits the familiar pips of the time signal, BAKER checks his watch.)
RADIO: Check mumble hardly out. [*Here are the football results.]
(CHARLIE takes a pools coupon out of his satchel and starts checking it off. The rhythm of the language coming out of the radio is the familiar one, appropriate to home wins, away wins, and draws.
The following is a translation of the numbers;
Nil = quite
1 = sun
2 = dock
3 = trog
4 = slack
5 = pan
In addition, ‘Clock’ and ‘Foglamp’ correspond to ‘City’ and ‘United’. Thus the result, ‘Haddock Clock quite, Haddock Foglamp trog’ would be delivered with the inflections appropriate to, say, ‘Manchester City nil, Manchester United three’—an away win. The radio starts by saying, ‘Oblong Sun’ with the inflection of ‘Division One’.)
RADIO: Oblong Sun, Dogtrot quite, Flange dock; Cabrank dock, Blanket Clock quite; Tube Clock dock, Handbag dock; Haddock Clock quite, Haddock Foglamp trog; Wonder quite, Picknicking pan …
(CHARLIE whistles at that—a five-nil away win. Meanwhile EASY re-enters carrying a tall load of blocks, followed by ABEL, limping, carrying a similar load, EASY puts his blocks down. He notices the radio and CHARLIE checking his pools. EASY produces a pools coupon and a pencil before he realizes that he can’t make head or tail of the radio.)
EASY: (Bemused.) Do you mind if I ask you something. What wavelength are you on?
(Meanwhile BAKER has started to make a neat wall out of the blocks and slabs which have so far been assembled. It is apparent now that some of the blocks have got apparently random letters printed on them, EASY, having put away his pools coupon, adds blocks to the steps, ABEL has dumped his load of blocks near BAKER and now limps off stage back to the lorry, DOGG enters.)
DOGG: (To EASY.) Moronic creep. [*Maroon carpet.]
(EASY grabs DOGG by the lapel.)
EASY: Watch it!
(DOGG, surprised, disengages himself.)
DOGG: (To EASY.) Afternoons—moronic creep?
BAKER: (To DOGG.) Brick, git. [*Here, sir.]
DOGG: Ah. Cube.
(BAKER points at the carpet, DOGG unrolls the red carpet to make a path from the microphone to the wings. CHARLIE has turned off the radio on DOGG’s entrance and now BAKER rejoins him in building the wall, EASY has completed that stage of the steps, and the wall is complete, BAKER and CHARLIE are nowhere to be seen because they built the wall from the back and it now conceals them. This leaves EASY apparently alone in front of the wall. He hasn’t yet noticed the letters, which read;
MATHS
OLD
EGG
EASY takes the plan out of his pocket and studies it again, DOGG notices the wall. He looks at EASY, EASY looks at the wall. EASY looks at DOGG. EASY smiles, DOGG slaps EASY lightly on the cheek. EASY opens his mouth to protest, DOGG cuffs him heavily on the other cheek and knocks EASY through the wall which disintegrates, DOGG takes the piece of paper out of EASY’s pocket and looks at it carefully, EASY picks himself up. CHARLIE and BAKER go back into their receiving positions, DOGG gives the paper back to EASY.)
EASY: Here, what’s your game?
DOGG: Cube. [*Thank you.]
EASY: Eh?
DOGG: Cube.
(Then he calls out to ABEL.)
Cube! Abel!
(A cube is thrown in to BAKER, passed to CHARLIE, passed to EASY who puts it in place, DOGG to CHARLIE and BAKER.) Slab?
EASY: Cube.
DOGG: Slab.
CHARLIE/BAKER: Cube, git!
EASY: (With venom.) Git!
(DOGG is pleased and smiles. EASY is completely at a loss, DOGG leaves satisfied.)
Cube!
(Another cube follows the same route.)
Cube!
(A slab sails on and BAKER and CHARLIE catch it together. They immediately take it upstage and place it down to form the base of a rebuilt wall. They start rebuilding the wall. Meanwhile EASY walks off towards ABEL and as soon as he is off-stage there is the sound of a thump and a cry from ABEL. ABEL walks on, limping, holding his ear and rubbing his backside.)
EASY: (Off-stage.) Cube!
(A cube sails on over ABEL’s head, and ABEL, who is caught by surprise, catches it and places it on the steps. This keeps happening again and again while BAKER and CHARLIE rebuild the wall. ABEL, however, makes a tower out of the cubes instead of laying them to make a new level. After seven cubes, in toto, EASY enters and sees the tottering tower of cubes and just saves them from collapsing, BAKER and CHARLIE meanwhile have removed themselves from view by rebuilding the wall which now says;
MEG
SHOT
GLAD
DOGG enters, carrying a small table with silver trophies covered with a velvet cloth. He walks to the microphone and tests it.)
DOGG: Sun, dock, trogg …
(The microphone is dead, DOGG to BAKER.)
Haddock priest.
BAKER: Haddock, git? DOGG: Priest.
(BAKER goes to the microphone and turns the switch on.)
Sun, dock, trog … Gymshoes. [*Excellent.]
(The microphone is live. Meanwhile EASY has placed all the cubes correctly so that they make a top layer to the steps. He is one cube short, however, ABEL goes back to the lorry.)
EASY: Cube short.
DOGG: (To EASY.) Brick?
EASY: Cube!
DOGG: Brick.
EASY: Cube!
(A cube sails in from the lorry and EASY catches it and then the steps are complete, DOGG turns to go, sees the new wall with its message and looks at EASY. EASY looks at the wall. He looks at DOGG.)
Pax!
(DOGG knocks him through the wall which disintegrates, DOGG leaves. CHARLIE and BAKER start re-assembling the components of the wall, EASY shouts after DOGG.)
Yob! [*Flowers.]
(CHARLIE, BAKER and EASY are roughly in line by the carpet. DOGG reappears immediately with a bouquet which is wrapped in cellophane and tied with a red ribbon. It is important that it is distinctive because it appears in the second half of the play. He hands this to CHARLIE. March music is heard. CHARLIE gives the bouquet to BAKER who gives it to EASY who thrusts it into DOGG’s hands as he exits, DOGG re-enters furiously and gives flowers back to EASY who gives them to ABEL as he enters. ABEL gives them to CHARLIE who loses them while rebuilding the wall. EASY exits and returns with lid for platform. CHARLIE and BAKER, now joined by ABEL, rebuild the wall, then take their little flags out of their pockets and start waving them, EASY joins in unhappily.
A LADY enters followed by a smirking DOGG. The music plays, the flags wave. The LADY gets to the microphone. The music stops and she is ready to give her speech which is written on a neat postcard held in her gloved hand.)
LADY: (Nicely.) Scabs, slobs, yobs, yids, spicks, wops …
(As one might say Your Grace, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…)
Sad fact, brats pule puke crap-pot stink, spit; grow up dunces crooks; rank socks dank snotrags, conkers, ticks; crib books, cock snooks, block bogs, jack off, catch pox pick spots, scabs, padlocks, seek kicks, kinks, slack; nick swag, swig coke, bank kickbacks;… frankly can’t stick kids. Mens sana in corpore sano.
(Applause, LADY comes down from the platform helped by DOGG. They stand by the table, DOGG lifts the cloth to reveal the s
chool trophies.)
DOGG: (Presenting school prizes reads.) Pansticks jammy, sun-up—Fox Major.
(FOX enters from auditorium left, climbs steps to stage and collects his prize. He shakes hands with a beaming LADY.)
FOX: Cube, get. [*Thank you, madam.]
(FOX exits into auditorium right.)
DOGG: As Grimsby primate what, sun-up—Fox Major. (FOX, still near the front of the auditorium, turns and awkwardly squeezes in between two rows of seats. As he steps over the audience’s legs he apologetically exclaims ‘Cutlery’ [*Excuse me], reaches stage and receives prize as before.)
Cuff-laces empty cross … Crazy jogs … Poodle-fire … Melon legs arc lamps … pelvic wiggle stamp … grinning … grape-soot pergolas … fairly pricks double … elegant frantically … plugs … Fox Major.
(DOGG has been placing all these trophies on top of the velvet which covered them earlier, and which he has placed on the platform EASY built, FOX whoops when he hears his name and rushes onto the stage as before, but picks up the table, which is now quite bare, and exits trimphantly stage left.