The Forgotten Wife

by Emma Robinson

  Watching Shelley leave for work this morning, Lara had felt a twinge of envy. Shelley might be at home alone most evenings but at least her days were busy.

  Why was Shelley at home so much? If she and her ex-husband had lived in that house for years, surely she would have some local friends. Though she wasn’t spying out the window at all times of the day, Lara had never seen anyone visiting. Other than Greg and Dee, the only people Shelley had ever mentioned were two work colleagues – Flora and Steve – and her mother, who lived an hour away. Shelley wasn’t the most outgoing of people, but she must have some friends?

  The more she thought about Shelley, the more Lara realised how much she was beginning to enjoy Shelley’s company, looking forward to their sorting-out sessions next door. When Lara had been at school, she’d always been the quiet, studious one, but when she’d got to university, she had reinvented herself as a confident party girl. Friends from home would not have recognised her. That was the advantage of meeting new people: you got to be whoever you wanted to be. Meeting Shelley was a bit like that. Shelley didn’t know anything about the last few years of Lara’s life. She’d presented herself to Shelley as someone confident and calm, with a clear joy-focused ethos for life. The upside to this was Lara was beginning to actually feel more like that person again.

  She picked her phone back up from the worktop. Shelley was the closest thing she had to a friend right now, and even if that friendship was based on circumstance rather than choice, they needed to do something together other than sit in her box room. She thumbed another text:

  Hi. Just had a thought. I’m going to the gym later. Do you fancy coming after work?

  The reply pinged back immediately:

  When you say ‘gym’, do you mean ‘bar’?

  Lara smiled. The more she got to know Shelley, the more she seemed to loosen up. She tapped away again:

  If only. Pregnant, remember? It’s the one round the corner. Are you a member? If not, I can get you a free pass. I’ll buy you a posh coffee after? Going around 6ish.

  No reply pinged back. Had she misread the situation? Did Shelley only see her as a neighbour? Was she sitting at work trying to think up a plausible excuse for why she couldn’t go to the gym with her? Lara screwed up her eyes until tiny lights appeared. What had she been thinking?

  Her phone pinged:

  Sorry, can’t make that tonight.

  Oh no. She had been trying to think of an excuse. This was so embarrassing. How could she go next door again now that she knew Shelley didn’t want—

  Her phone pinged again:

  Sorry, hit send too soon. Can’t make tonight because I’m staying late at work to help my colleague Flora with her CV. I can make it tomorrow night?

  Relief flooded through Lara.

  Tomorrow night will be great. I’ll sort out a pass for you.

  It was ridiculous that she’d felt so anxious about inviting her neighbour to come to the gym. What had happened to her that something so small could send her into a spin? She needed to get a grip of herself.

  Another ping:

  Okay. But I’m not signing up to anything. Last time I did that, I ended up paying £35 a month to sit at home feeling guilty.

  Lara laughed. This would be nice. Shelley could be her friend. Shelley, who had no children and who didn’t know about her past and everything else. It was better that way.

  14

  Shelley

  After a relationship ends badly, the first moments after waking can be the worst. Somehow your brain plays tricks on you in the night and lulls you back to a previous time when you had a husband lying next to you. So, when you wake up and stretch and your palm hits the cold side of the bed, there is a physical jolt which brings you back to reality. There’s only you.

  Shelley peeled her head off the pillow. She’d woken up so often last night, it had barely been worth coming upstairs. This couldn’t go on. But she didn’t want to go back to the doctor for sleeping pills. He’d been so keen on her coming off them, and she didn’t have the energy to argue her case. She should be sleeping better by now – was it the room clearance making her feel worse?

  Dragging herself out of bed and into the shower, she stood with her face turned up to the water, letting it push the dreams from her mind. They were more painful than the nightmares because she was relieved to wake up from a nightmare. With a dream, she just wished she could go back.

  Much as she didn’t fancy going to work this Friday morning, she was grateful for it. Those first couple of months after Greg went, life had been erratic, and she’d floated from hour to hour like a kite that’d had its strings cut. The routine of her job had given her something to cling to when it had all been too much.

  This Friday she even had plans after work and, though it was only a session at Lara’s gym, it felt good. It would also give her something to tell Flora when she nagged her about doing something in the evening. She smiled and shut off the shower. Time to go to work.

  * * *

  She must have been late if Flora was at her desk already. As she slipped into her seat, Shelley glanced across the sales floor to check that no one had noticed her absence. She needn’t have worried: half of them were on job websites applying for new positions elsewhere. Would that be her soon too?

  Flora threw a globe-shaped stress toy at her. ‘What time do you call this? Steve just called. He’s due in any minute – you’d better look busy.’

  That was the last thing Shelley needed. ‘I bet he’s going to ask me about the job again. What can I say?’

  Life for Flora was always pretty black and white. ‘You should do it. If he thinks it’s a good idea, he’ll put a word in for you. What’s the problem?’

  The problem was that just thinking about it made her feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Work had been her safe place for the last twelve months and now everything was changing here too. Maybe this was where the dreams were coming from? Greg was on her mind because he was the person she would have spoken to about this. He would have helped her work out the pros and cons. Made a list of all the worries she had about it and worked through them. Helped her to work out what her journey to work would be and how long it would take. But Greg wasn’t here. Greg was gone. She shook her head and pulled her palms down her face. ‘I don’t know, Flora. It’s not something I would have thought about if it wasn’t for this place going. I’ve been fine just ticking along.’

  Flora sighed like a mother talking to a recalcitrant child. ‘That’s the problem: you’ve been ticking along for years. It’s about time you got a promotion.’ Flora squinted her eyes. ‘And you’re going to need some new clothes. Those ones don’t even fit anymore.’

  Shelley looked down at her fitted blouse, which flapped about over a skirt with a waistband that gaped when she sat down. To think of all the years she had tried and failed to lose the extra stone she’d gained since getting married.

  When she looked up again, Steve was standing there. ‘Morning!’

  She almost jumped. Why was she always so nervous around him lately? ‘Morning. Sorry, I didn’t know you were coming in. Was I supposed to prepare anything for a meeting?’

  Steve unbuttoned his jacket and slipped his omnipresent mobile into his inside pocket. The patterned silk lining called to mind Greg’s old suits and she wrenched her mind away from them. Steve shook his head. ‘No need to prepare anything. I’m only popping in to make sure that everyone has seen the job information. I’ll set myself up in the conference room for this morning in case anyone wants to have an informal chat about the opportunities.’

  Had she imagined it or had he emphasised the word ‘anyone’ and directed it at her? She could feel Flora’s eyes burning into the back of her head too. ‘Uh, okay. Do you want me to send an email round?’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll get myself set up in there and then I’ll come out and see who’s around. I need to make some calls first anyway.’

  As soon as he was out of earshot, Flora nudged her. ‘Yo
u definitely need to speak to him about the job. He clearly wants you to do it.’

  She could see Steve through the glass windows of the conference room, striding up and down as he spoke into his mobile. He was laughing and running his hands through his short blond hair. She’d wait until he finished and then go in; might as well get it over with.

  * * *

  Fifteen minutes later, he opened the door of the conference room and she took this as a sign that he was open for conversation. She knocked on the frame of the door and he smiled as he looked up from his laptop. ‘Shelley. Great. Let’s talk about that job. I’m hoping that’s what you’re here to talk about?’

  The warm way he looked at her was clearly designed to put her at her ease but it had the opposite effect; her stomach fizzed with nerves. ‘Uh… Yes… I wanted to ask if—’

  She was cut off by his phone buzzing along the desk. Steve closed his eyes and opened them again. ‘I’m so sorry, Shelley, but I have to get this. I’ve been waiting for this call. I’ll take it out in the main office.’

  He pushed his chair back as he stood up and slid his finger across the screen to accept the call. She couldn’t help but hear him before he strode across to the other side of the office. ‘Hi, Dana? I’m so pleased you called. I’m so sorry about this morning…’

  Dana? Another one?

  * * *

  As she drove to the gym, Shelley ran over the conversation with Steve in her mind. After finishing his phone call, he’d been very persuasive about her applying for the team manager role, listing personal qualities that she didn’t know she possessed. His enthusiasm made her suspicious, like there was something he wasn’t telling her. It was stupid, but the conversation she’d overheard with another woman hadn’t helped. She hadn’t pegged him for the kind of man who would date more than one woman at a time. It was none of her business, of course, but it didn’t sit right with her. Could she trust him?

  She pulled into a car park full of shiny new four-by-fours. Her little Fiat looked out of place and she couldn’t help feeling the same. The side walls of the gym were made of glass and she tried to get a sneaky look as she walked towards the entrance. Though she’d managed to dig out some old leggings and a vest, they weren’t in the league of the bright Lycra of the glamorous women facing outwards, thundering away on exercise bikes.

  Lara, on the other hand, looked as if she fit right in. ‘Hi. You made it! Do you realise this is the first time we’ve seen each other in the real world?’

  It was odd to see her away from one of their homes. Did this mean they were proper friends now rather than just neighbours? ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t rather cut out the getting sweaty bit and go straight to the posh coffee in the café?’

  Lara shook her head. Her long ponytail swayed to reinforce it. ‘No. I’ve organised a trial session now; you just need to fill out a Health and Safety form and we’re in.’

  ‘Okay.’ Shelley took the health questionnaire from the receptionist to record her medical history. There was a whole section on the heart, but no tick box for ‘broken’.

  The instructor who showed them around the lethal-looking equipment looked about fifteen, and he spent ten minutes explaining to Shelley how to use the running machine, seeming to take pleasure in emphasising how easy it was to have an accident. It didn’t matter that she interrupted him three times to tell him she’d used one several times before.

  Lara stood to one side and pulled funny faces at her when he was speaking, which definitely took the edge off his patronising explanations. Once he’d left Shelley alone – still hovering in the vicinity, ready to swoop if she lost control of her legs on the conveyor belt – Lara put her hand to her chin and frowned mockingly. ‘Do you think you got all that or shall I ask him to run through it one more time?’

  Shelley laughed. ‘I think I’m okay. What about you? Are you going on anything? Can you?’

  Lara shrugged. ‘I’d love to. A session on the cross trainer would blow some cobwebs away, but I’ve promised Matt I won’t. I’m going to have a swim if you’re okay here on your own for a bit? We can meet in the café in an hour?’

  Shelley would rather be on her own – getting red and sweaty was not a spectator sport – but she was surprised by how quickly Lara acquiesced to what Matt told her to do. She was so upfront and confident. Why did she give in to everything he said? It was uncomfortably familiar. ‘I’ll be fine. Enjoy your swim.’

  Lara reached into the small rucksack she had on her shoulder and brought out an iPod and a pair of headphones. ‘I brought you this to help keep you going for longer. I know you like pop, but what kind of music do you like to run to?’

  Anything that doesn’t remind me of Greg. ‘I don’t know. Something upbeat?’

  Lara thumbed through her selection. ‘I’ve got a workout playlist on here that’s perfect for running. Here you go.’ She passed the iPod over and Shelley tucked it into a hidden pocket on the front of her leggings, inserting headphones into her ears. Lara gave her a little wave goodbye – and a salute for the youthful instructor, who was still watching from a distance – and left for the pool.

  Two minutes of progressively faster walking and Shelley was ready to pick this up into a jog. It must have been at least two years since she’d been on a running machine, but she managed to find a rhythm to Beyoncé’s ‘Halo’: the first track on Lara’s iPod. As her breath quickened, her lungs worked harder to take in oxygen and expanded within her chest. Halfway along the earphones cord was a volume switch, and she turned it up and picked up the pace until the jog became a run. With music pounding in her ears, and her feet doing the same on the treadmill, she couldn’t think about anything else. The thoughts buzzing around her head couldn’t move: they were paralysed by the music. There was no room inside her ribs for anything but her burning lungs. This felt good. Really good. Her chest was screaming, her legs wobbled as they quickly tired, but the anger, the resentment, the gaping loneliness – it was as if she was crushing them beneath her feet.

  It wasn’t long before her lack of fitness caught up with her and she had to slow it down again, then stop and get off the machine. She bent over to catch her breath. And that was when she realised that she’d been crying.

  * * *

  In the café, Lara treated her to the posh coffee she’d promised. ‘How was your run?’

  Shelley’s lungs felt ragged and her calves were going to be screaming tomorrow, but she felt better than she had in a long, long time. ‘I’ll be honest – I was a bit confused why you invited me to the gym, but I’m so glad you did. It was amazing. I’m definitely going to go for a run more often.’

  Lara tapped her water bottle on the side of Shelley’s cup. ‘I knew it would make you feel good. It’s the best thing ever for blocking out the world and getting the mess out of your head. I really miss it.’

  She looked at Shelley and, just for a moment, Shelley saw something in her eyes which was deep and dark. Lara understood. There was pain in her eyes too. But why?

  Then, in a blink, it was gone again. Lara grinned. ‘I might even allow myself a hot chocolate to celebrate.’

  15

  Shelley

  ‘It’s all about the photographs. We need to catch the colours in it somehow.’

  Shelley’s legs ached on Saturday morning but today – Sunday – she’d managed a slow jog around the park. Ten minutes after emerging from the shower, a text pinged, suggesting Shelley come next door with the unwanted jewellery they’d uncovered; Lara had big plans for it apparently.

  Now Lara took the dark grey throw from the back of the sofa and laid it over a cushion, placing the pendant and silver chain across it. The milky sheen of the large opal had never suited Shelley, and she’d only worn it once to a work dinner of Greg’s. Lara seemed to think it was lovely though. ‘There you go. Something like that.’

  Shelley wasn’t convinced. ‘And you really think someone is going to want to buy that?’

  Lara looked at her as if she w
as crazy. ‘Yes. You’ve got some really nice pieces.’

  Objectively, Shelley could see that they were well made and attractive, but like the shoes, they had never been the kind of jewellery that she would have chosen for herself. ‘Greg used to buy me a piece of jewellery every time we went on holiday. It was a tradition, I suppose. To be fair, he was very generous.’ It wasn’t just jewellery. He would see something in a shop window or online and just buy it for her. It felt ungrateful to say she didn’t want something so she would wear it once and then hide it away in the wardrobe. She didn’t have to do that anymore.

  Lara closed her right eye as she peered at the necklace with her left. ‘I’m actually wondering if you should get some of these valued before you put them up. You want to make sure you get a good deal.’

  Lara held her phone towards the cushion and took three photographs of the pendant from different angles. She had the air of a crime scene photographer: precise and accurate. After a quick check, she held the screen out to Shelley. ‘See. Looks good, doesn’t it?’

  It looked like an old necklace on a cushion but Shelley didn’t want to dent her enthusiasm. ‘So, do you do this a lot? Sell stuff on eBay?’

  ‘Yes, and we used to buy a ton of things on there. Before Make Way for Joy, obviously. Don’t you?’

  Shelley shook her head. ‘Greg had a weird thing about second-hand things. He used to like everything to be brand new.’ He hadn’t even wanted the household things that Shelley’s mum had tried to give them when they’d first moved in together. Dee used to say he liked to show off how much money he had by buying flashy things, and there was a small part of Shelley who had suspected that might be true. Not that she would ever have admitted it to Dee.