The Forgotten Wife

by Emma Robinson

  ‘The thing is…’ How was she going to tell Dee about this in a way which wouldn’t provoke a wave of condemnation? ‘The thing is, there’s something I need to tell you. Greg has given me a key to his flat, and today I was going to get some stuff together that I can keep there. You know, just my toothbrush, spare PJs, that sort of thing.’

  She tried so hard to make it sound casual but she couldn’t suppress the smile that came over her face. He’d been so sweet about it all. Just said that he wanted her to feel that she could come over whenever she wanted. Weekends, holidays from uni, anytime. Her mum had met someone, and she knew that he stayed over when Shelley was away at college. He wasn’t there when Shelley came home but she didn’t want to get in the way of her mum having her own life. It would be good to have somewhere else to stay.

  Dee wasn’t smiling, though. She was staring. ‘You’re moving in with him?’

  Shelley shook her head. ‘Not exactly. I’m living in Warwick, remember?’

  ‘Exactly. You’re living in Warwick. So why is he giving you a key to his place? It’s not like you live around the corner and you’re going to be popping over. Is it?’

  This last question didn’t sound rhetorical. ‘What are you asking? Am I dropping out of university?’

  ‘Are you?’

  ‘No!’ That wasn’t what she was saying. She’d committed to going and she’d see it through. Even if she was hating it. And she was. Dee was still looking at her so she repeated herself. ‘No.’

  ‘You can’t blame me for asking. It’s not as if you are giving it a proper chance. And I know what Greg’s like.’

  Shelley felt defensive. On both her account and Greg’s. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘You don’t talk about anyone from college, and when I ring you in the evening, you’re always back in your room. I know you’re finding it difficult to talk to people, but if you don’t make an effort to go out, how are you going to make friends and start enjoying yourself?’

  She was regretting telling Dee so much in her emails. ‘I’m there to get a degree, Dee. And I just haven’t connected with anyone there.’

  ‘But you’re not going to connect with anyone if you keep running back home to your boyfriend every five minutes. You need to give it a proper chance. Without being tied to home.’

  These arguments were getting too common. ‘So, you think I should break up with him just so that I can sleep around at university and get the full experience?’

  ‘I didn’t say that. I’m just saying you’re not giving it a proper go. You would enjoy it. You’ve spent the last two years planning to be at uni, and now you can’t wait to get away and come home.’

  Actually, it was Dee who had spent the last two years planning it all, but Shelley didn’t say that. ‘I can do both.’

  But she was beginning to wonder if she wanted to. Being at the flat with Greg these last two nights had been lovely. He had cooked for her; she had helped him to pick out some new curtains from the Next catalogue. Just hanging out together felt right. At university she never felt at home, never felt entirely comfortable. It wasn’t as if she was even enjoying her studies. Most of the preliminary modules were about ancient history and it wasn’t really her thing. Was it possible that she had made a terrible mistake in going to university in the first place?

  Dee moved closer to her and took her hand. ‘I don’t want to argue with you about this, but I am just worried that you are going to make a decision that you’ll regret.’

  How could she make her understand? They were different. ‘Do you like your degree course?’

  Dee looked confused. ‘Yeah, it’s okay. Some modules are better than others. Why? Don’t you like yours?’

  ‘I’ve been wondering if I should think about changing to something else. Maybe history isn’t for me.’

  Dee nodded. ‘Well, if that’s how you feel, you should. Have you been to speak to anyone? You’ve only done one term – surely you can still swap and catch up?’

  She hadn’t been to see anyone yet because switching to another degree subject wasn’t what she’d been thinking about. ‘Not yet. But I have seen a course in London that looks good.’

  Dee’s face changed. ‘In London?’

  She’d started now so she might as well get it all out. ‘Travel and hospitality. It’s not a degree course but it looks really good.’

  Dee was staring at her. ‘Travel and hospitality. In London. Let me guess: so you can commute from Greg’s flat?’

  That had crossed Shelley’s mind, but that wasn’t the reason she’d picked it. It wasn’t. ‘I’m going to save a lot of money if I move back home and go to college from here.’

  ‘But you’re going to miss out on so much. It’s not the course – I don’t care what degree you do – but you’re not going to have the same experience if you live at home. That’s not what university is about.’

  Shelley had known this was going to be Dee’s reaction. That was why she hadn’t said anything in her emails when she’d started to research degrees in London. She’d wanted to talk to Dee face to face. ‘It’s different for you. You’re outgoing. You meet people. I’m not like you. And I’m miserable where I am.’

  The look of disappointment on Dee’s face was worse than the look on Shelley’s mother’s. Her mum had just said that Shelley should do what she thought best. That she just wanted her to be happy.

  The difference was, Dee thought she knew better what made Shelley happy. ‘It was Greg’s idea, wasn’t it?’

  She’d known that was coming. ‘No, it wasn’t. It was mine.’

  But Dee wasn’t listening. She stood up. ‘Wait till I speak to him. He is so out of order encouraging you to drop out so that you can go and play house with him in his new flat.’

  Now Shelley was annoyed. ‘Don’t you dare speak to him. It’s got nothing to do with him or the flat. This is about what I want. If you are my friend, you’ll understand.’

  Dee sank back onto the bed. ‘I don’t want you to make a decision you’re going to regret. I’m worried about you.’

  Shelley put an arm around her. ‘You don’t need to worry about me. I feel good about this new course. It feels more like me. And when I get a job in the travel industry, think of all the cheap holiday deals I’ll be able to get for us.’

  Dee looked at her. ‘Are you sure you won’t be going on all your holidays with Greg from now on?’

  ‘Of course not. You’re my best friend. I’ll always have time for you.’ She took the key out of her pocket with its sparkly HOME key ring that Greg had bought for her. ‘Want to come over and see the flat? There are two bedrooms, so you’ll be able to come and stay when you’re home from uni.’

  22

  Shelley

  Shelley didn’t actually know what mothballs smelled like but she would have guessed it was similar to this room. Stale clothes and old toys and a whiff of neglect. They’d picked the Oxfam shop on the high street because it was the shortest distance from the car park – she couldn’t expect Lara to help with the heavy black sacks.

  Since the clothes sort-out on Monday, they had barely seen each other, and Shelley had been surprised by how much she’d missed her new neighbour. It was strange how quickly she got used to having someone in her life. And how slowly she got used to having someone missing from it.

  The rest of the week at work had been particularly trying. Everyone was feeling twitchy about the takeover and was starting to snipe at each other. Flora had never so much as raised her voice at Shelley, but on Wednesday she’d lost her patience with her about the team manager job. ‘Have you at least filled in the application form for your job? The deadline is soon.’

  Even though she still wasn’t sure whether she wanted the job, she had filled in the application form the night before, more for something to do than anything else. ‘Just to clarify, it’s not my job. But, actually, yes, I have done it and I was going to ask you to look at it.’

  Flora had focused on the part
of the sentence she was interested in. ‘Great! Good girl. Email it over to me and I’ll pimp it up. I know you’ll have undersold what you’ve done. Your CV should make you blush when you read it, otherwise you haven’t promoted yourself enough.’

  Shelley had rolled her eyes. Maybe asking Flora to read it wasn’t the best idea. At least the CV had put her in a better mood, or a gossipy one at least. ‘You know you said you saw Steve with his girlfriend at the tabletop sale last weekend?’

  That wasn’t quite what she’d said. ‘I don’t know whether she was his girlfriend.’

  Details like this weren’t getting in the way of Flora’s story. ‘Yes, well, I was speaking to Adele in accounts and she said his girlfriend is called Svetlana. She heard him on the phone to her and remembered because it’s such an exotic-sounding name.’

  Shelley knew it was absolutely none of her business what Steve did in his spare time, but she wasn’t enjoying the gossip as much as Flora clearly was. Maybe he was on Tinder or one of those other apps. For some reason, it was an unpleasant thought. Was she jealous? Of what? Get a grip.

  * * *

  Now Lara was holding the Oxfam shop door open so that Shelley could stumble through with two big black bags of leftovers from the tabletop sale. A dark-haired woman in a bottle green cardigan smiled at them from behind the counter. ‘Donations to the back, please. Give Sandra a shout if there’s no one there.’

  Navigating her way around clothing rails, Shelley left Lara behind looking at paperbacks and made her way to the back of the small shop. Rows of plastic toys were perched on a series of shelves on the back wall, and she avoided those and made her way towards a doorway.

  The aforementioned Sandra was in the storeroom sifting through a pile of women’s clothes. She looked up when Shelley appeared and held her hands out for the bags.

  ‘What have we here?’ She peered inside. ‘Oh, these look nice, thank you.’ She turned and placed them on the floor beside the rest of the clothes. ‘If you’ve got a minute, can I take your details for Gift Aid? It makes such a difference.’

  Lara appeared behind her. ‘Good idea. We’re going to be regulars over the next few weeks – there’s a lot more where that came from.’

  Sandra suddenly looked very excited. ‘You’re pregnant! Perfect timing. I am just sorting through a huge pile of maternity clothes which would look lovely on you. Do you want a rummage?’

  Lara flushed. ‘Oh, no. I don’t need anything. Thanks. Actually, I’m feeling really hot. I’ll wait for you outside, Shelley?’

  Shelley recognised that look. Lara wasn’t hot; she was uncomfortable. ‘Okay. I’ll be as quick as I can. Maybe we can go and get a cold drink?’

  * * *

  The café was quiet. Most people were out enjoying the early summer sunshine. With a cold glass of juice to sip, Lara looked much better. Shelley raised an enquiring eyebrow. ‘Your love of eBay doesn’t stretch to buying second-hand clothes, then?’

  Lara shook her head. ‘It’s not that. It’s just that I’m still managing with my existing clothes. The joys of Lycra.’ She paused. ‘Actually, that’s not true. I’ve just not wanted to shop for that stuff, to be honest.’

  ‘Because you’re trying to save money?’

  ‘Partly. And because I don’t want to jinx anything.’ She turned her glass of juice around on the table.

  Shelley thought of the pram from eBay. ‘Well, it’s understandable that you’ve been cautious this time. After everything you’ve been through.’

  The kitchen door squeaked open behind Lara and she looked over her shoulder. ‘These look like our sandwiches coming over now.’

  The woman who had come from the kitchen with their ham baguettes was wearing a cap over her hair, which may have been why Shelley didn’t recognise her at first. But she recognised Shelley. ‘Hello, Shel! I didn’t realise that was you!’

  Shelley panicked. She knew what was coming next. ‘I didn’t know you worked in here, Cindy.’

  ‘Yes, I’ve been here about a year. Now the twins have started secondary school, I’ve got more time on my hands.’

  Shelley could see that she was just about to put her head to one side and the sympathy was about to flow. She needed to head her off. ‘Lara, this is Cindy. We were at sixth form together. Seems like forever ago now.’ She smiled at Cindy. If she could just keep her voice upbeat, maybe Cindy would go back to the kitchen and they could avoid any awkwardness.

  But that was impossible. She smiled at Lara and then her head was almost immediately back on her shoulder. ‘I was so shocked to hear about Greg. I remember you guys getting married, such a lovely day. How are you doing?’

  This was going badly. ‘I’m okay, yes. Just catching up with my friend here.’

  Shelley was being so obvious it was almost rude, but it was clearly too subtle for Cindy. ‘Ah. You poor thing. I’ve seen Dee out and about but I haven’t spoken to her. Terrible business. Terrible.’

  Shelley felt sick. How was she going to stop her from spilling the whole thing in front of Lara?

  Thank God, she was saved by the kitchen door opening and another hat poking out into the café. ‘Cindy! Can you give me a hand?’

  ‘I’ll be right there!’ Cindy turned back to Shelley. ‘Anyway, you take care and I’ll hopefully see you in here another day.’ She patted Shelley on the shoulder and left.

  Shelley turned back to Lara. She needed to get the conversation away from anything to do with Greg or Dee. ‘So, the joy book. How did you get hold of it in the first place? You don’t seem the sort of person to have gone looking for a book like that.’

  Lara was scrutinising her with what Shelley assumed was her professional legal face, but she was too polite to ask questions. She picked up her knife and cut the baguette into four pieces. ‘It was chance, really. I was taking stuff to the charity shop and…’ She sighed deeply. ‘I told you that we’d bought the pram too early the first time? Well, we’d bought other stuff too. Clothes, a blanket, even a tiny little lamb toy with a yellow ribbon around its neck.’ Her voice cracked and she coughed.

  ‘Oh, Lara, I’m so sorry. That must have been so hard.’

  Lara nodded. She pressed at the baguette in front of her, flattening it to make it easier to eat. ‘After the… last time, I said that I couldn’t do it again. It was over. I didn’t want to try for another baby. Matt stayed quiet. He’s always wanted kids. He’s one of five boys and family means a loud, crazy home to him. But he stayed quiet. Said he would do whatever I wanted. And what I wanted to do was clear out every single thing we’d bought.’

  Shelley’s own mother had tutted about women who bought things before the baby was born. ‘It’s bad luck,’ she would say with a shake of her head. It might be an old wives’ tale – like not opening an umbrella indoors – but she could see the sense in it for occasions like this.

  Lara sniffed loudly, waited a few moments, then looked up again. ‘Anyway, when I was at the charity shop, I got chatting to the woman who worked there and she told me that they’d had an influx of donations after this book was released. Make Way for Joy. Had I read it? She went on about it so much, I ended up ordering a copy off Amazon so that I could get away. And that’s how it all started. I bought the book and gave it a go.’

  Shelley had taken a bite of her sandwich, so all she could say was, ‘Mmm.’

  Lara kept going. ‘It was good at the beginning because it gave me a focus, something to do. The more I threw away, the better I felt. Not just the baby stuff – most of that went the first week – but other things as well. Clothes I’d said I’d slim back into. Lacy bras I’d never wear because they made me itch. Literary classics I thought I should read but didn’t actually want to. Rigby and Peller went the same way as Jekyll and Hyde: if it wasn’t in use and it didn’t bring me joy…’ She made a throwing motion with her hand. ‘Out of the door it went.’

  Shelley could see now why Lara had been so keen for her to do the same. And she was right, it had been cathartic. She
did feel like she could breathe a little easier. But Lara’s honesty was making her uncomfortable. If she was sharing, did this mean that Shelley should be honest too? They’d felt closer since their conversation after the tabletop sale and she’d felt increasingly guilty that she’d let Lara open herself up without returning the favour.

  A little of the colour had returned to Lara’s face as she spoke. ‘Matt and I started to laugh again. The weekend we tore a Hawaiian shirt he refused to give away was a high point. We had a sleeve each and were tugging it between us, which ended up in us wrestling on the bed. We laughed so much. That’s when I knew: I was ready to try again. Matt and I sat down and talked about it, and that’s when we made the decision to sell the house and pay for a private consultation.’

  ‘Wow. And everything went well from that point on?’

  Shelley regretted her question when she saw the cloud that came over Lara’s face. ‘I’ll save the rest of the story for when we’re not out in public.’ She picked up a piece of her baguette. ‘I think you’re right about the maternity clothes, though. When we’ve finished here, shall we go back and I’ll try some on? Maybe we can look for an interview outfit for you, too.’

  Seemed that she wasn’t the only one adept at changing the subject.

  * * *

  Back at the charity shop, both of them were in a lighter mood. Lara tried on outfits and then sent Shelley out into the shop to find hats or scarves to set them off. ‘Wait till Matt sees me in some of these. He’s going to bust a gut.’

  She was standing in front of a mirror and looking at herself, pulling faces as she repositioned a large-brimmed straw hat. From nowhere, Shelley got the old feeling. The flash of jealousy she used to get all the time when she saw a pregnant woman. She thought that one would have been put to bed but here it was, rearing its ugly head. She swallowed. ‘You look beautiful.’

  Lara turned and pretended to stick her fingers down her throat. ‘Please don’t give me that “all pregnant women are beautiful” tosh. I am well aware that I look like a hippo. Come on, why don’t you try something on? I saw a dress over there which would look great on you. The red one.’ She took the hat off and pulled the curtain to the changing room closed.