Something Old

by Rebecca Connolly

  Thomas was undeterred and shrugged. “So we’ll ask for a packed supper. Once we go back into our house, we go back to duties and responsibilities and being who we have been. I’m not ready to return to that, are you?”

  The question robbed Lily of her thoughts for a number of heartbeats. He was right; though Pendrizzick was not their home, there was no denying that by being within her walls, they would inhabit the positions they had carved out for themselves. Perhaps not to the same degree as they had done in the past, at Rainford or in London, but they would do so. The distance they had grown so accustomed to maintaining could creep in once more.

  Proper, polite, staid, and separate. That was what their marriage had entailed. But this man before her, this easy, warm, playful man knew nothing of distance or separation, of polite appearances or tedium.

  She would go anywhere with him.

  “It would be wild and reckless,” she murmured, not finding it within her to protest, only to express the notion.

  He nodded slowly, his eyes dark. “Come be wild and reckless with me, Lily.”

  If a soul could sigh, hers did so then. Her smile was almost breathless, taking on the faint edge to her breathing that sent her heart skittering like a leaf on a breeze. “All right. Let’s ask Mrs. Penrose to have a basket prepared.”

  Fearing he would change his mind, she bolted for the house and sent a maid to find the housekeeper. It seemed that Mrs. Clare was a most accommodating cook, for it was only a handful of minutes later that the basket supper appeared, fully stocked. With it came the offer to have a footman take the basket down to the beach in advance and have it all prepared for their arrival.

  Lily politely declined. The less intervention involved in this endeavor, the better.

  She restrained the urge to check her appearance in a looking glass, fearing she appeared a right mess, and proceeded out of Pendrizzick. Thomas leaned casually against the stables, seeming perfectly at ease amid his state and the powerful breeze that forever penetrated Cornwall.

  Lily held up the basket in delight. “All ready for us! The staff at Pendrizzick really are the most efficient bunch, and I didn’t receive any askew glances when I told them what we were about.”

  “I should say not,” Thomas protested playfully as he straightened. “There is no excuse for anyone to ever look at you askew. And this is Cornwall. I do believe it is no strange thing to stroll a beach.”

  “Not for ordinary people, perhaps…” A lock of hair danced in the breeze across her brow, tickling the skin there, and she paused to push it back behind her ear. “But I might venture that it is a little strange for us.”

  Thomas took the picnic basket from her and reached for her hand with his free one. “Today, we are ordinary people, sweetheart. We’ve worked in a mine, we’ve dined with our neighbors, and now we will go for a stroll on our beach.”

  She giggled even as her heart skipped, and she followed as they began to walk. “The beauty in that statement is a little diminished when you refer to the beach as ours. Ordinary people do not own beaches.”

  “Details, details,” he insisted with a dismissive shake of his head. He took in a deep breath as they ventured out into the more wild aspect of the estate lands. “I have never seen beauties in the world like these, and I consider myself a well-traveled man. What is it about this place that eases and awes in the same moment?”

  Lily hummed in thought and delight, feeling much of the same thing since their arrival. “I haven’t the faintest idea, but there is a sort of awakening that it prompts, isn’t there?”

  “There certainly is.” He squeezed her hand gently, then threaded his fingers through hers. “I wouldn’t want to be here with anyone else. I wouldn’t want to experience this with anyone else.”

  She smiled up at him in complete and unfettered adoration. “I feel the same.” An impish thought suddenly burst into her mind, and her smile turned wry. “It would seem Cornwall has caused another sort of awakening in you.”

  He chuckled, the sound low, delicious, and warm. “I believe it has, and I am not ashamed of it. I should have been this open and free long ago.”

  There was something sad in his words, something that filled Lily’s chest with pain and pressure, nearly bringing her to tears. “You were not the only one,” she admitted hoarsely. “I shut myself away from you, kept my feelings hidden, and made no efforts to bring us closer together. I’m sorry, Thomas.”

  “No, no,” he murmured, pulling her hand to his lips and holding it there for a moment, as though breathing in the scent of her. “You have nothing to be sorry for, darling. I’m the one who left you alone in the marriage, and it could not have been easy to be married to a man who refused to participate beyond what politeness dictates. I should be begging you for forgiveness on bended knee, if not fully prostrating myself at your feet.”

  “I don’t want you groveling at my feet,” Lily whispered, gripping his hand more tightly and hugging his arm to her. “I just want you with me.”

  Thomas pulled them to a stop and brought his lips to hers in a slow, maddeningly tender caress that made her shiver. He laughed softly against her mouth. “There is something about making you shiver that lights a fire in me, Lily Arden.”

  She sighed and buried her face into his shoulder, her hand rubbing up and down his arm as she fought for composure. “Lily Granger, if you please. I’ll not lose my name, even if I do lose my sanity.”

  He kissed the top of her head and started walking again. “We should have always been talking to each other like this. It would have made everything pleasant, not just bearable.”

  “I know.” Leaning her head against his arm, she fiddled with their joined hands. “Why were we able to break free of it? That night in Julia’s garden, how were we able to tell each other so much after years of silence?”

  “Some things are more easily admitted in the dark of the night,” he murmured, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. “And I think it had been building for a while. For me, at least.”

  “What had?” Lily pressed. “Your feelings?”

  Thomas nodded as they moved onto the worn path in the grass toward the beach. “My feelings for you, which have never settled, and my shame…”

  She didn’t want to hear more about his self-loathing, his years of guilt, how he’d hated himself for so long. There was nothing comforting in that, nothing to settle what she had felt in all that time, and it made her ache somewhere deep inside. What was the good in both of them being miserable?

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Lily asked, taking care that no hint of accusation should enter her voice. “Surely you knew I would try to help.”

  “I did know that,” Thomas assured her, smiling gently. “And I couldn’t let you. I felt wholly responsible for the situation, marrying you when I was penniless and using your money to avoid complete ruin. If I hadn’t loved you, I might have felt less about it, but given that I did…” He shook his head, sighing heavily. “I couldn’t bear to face you. I should have married you before I threw my fortune away on a blind speculation. I loved you enough.”

  Were they not walking toward the cliffs, were they only sitting in the drawing room before a fire and talking this way, Lily might have closed her eyes at this. Might have wept. Might have done any number of things in response. But holding his hand, clinging to his arm, connected to him as she was, she only pressed a kiss against his shoulder through the linen of his shirt, wishing she could send it coursing through to the heart of him to lighten the burden he carried.

  “I didn’t mind the money,” she told him, rubbing her hand up and down his arm gently. “It was the distance that hurt more than anything. I never thought we would have a marriage like that. When I dreamed of marrying you, that is. It wasn’t often, I’m not so much of a romantic, but I was sure we could at least be companionable.”

  Thomas groaned quietly, his fingers brushing hers in their hold. “I know. I debated breaking my personal vow nearly every week, kno
wing how it must have hurt you to be so remote. Then I would force myself to work even harder, drive myself further to improving our financial situation. I refused to rely on the money of your dowry for our existence. I would provide for you, not the other way around. I had to. I was too ashamed to do anything else. Until I did, I felt unworthy to love you.”

  “What changed?” she ventured to ask him. “You’re not distant now and hardly remote. I’d even venture to say that you…” She trailed off, unable to say it even with venturing into boldness. That, it seemed, was too bold.

  “Love you?” he finished without any hesitation, which told her much more had changed than she realized. “I do, and it’s the most exhilarating feeling.” He flashed a smile that would have removed her kneecaps had she not been actively walking. “I recently received reports that not only have we become financially solvent but rather well off. All of the businesses and investments are doing remarkably well, and the estate has had some very good years. I don’t take risks with money anymore, but I do use what I can to turn a profit. And because of the wise advice I’ve received from solicitors and men of business, I’ve made us safe for the future. And done a little more besides.”

  “A little more?” Lily laughed at the almost-modest hint. “It seems you have already done quite a bit, and you extended yourself further still?”

  His smile turned almost smug, though there was a light of laughter in his eyes. “Indeed I did. It was a dream of mine to accomplish, if I could manage solvency and safety.”

  When he said nothing further, Lily shook his arm a little, laughing. “Aren’t you going to tell me what it is?”

  “Hmm,” he mused, playing at hesitancy and reluctance. “I’m not entirely certain I will. What would be profited by it?”

  “Thomas!” Lily protested with another shake of his arm. “You cannot tease me and then refuse to elaborate! What did you dream of doing and then accomplish by your efforts?”

  He grinned a rather boyish grin, swinging the picnic basket by his side. “Do you really wish to know? I don’t want to bore you with details if this is only a polite interest.”

  Lily groaned dramatically and gave him as long-suffering a look as she could manage. “Thomas… Tell me.”

  “Very well.” He cleared his throat, sobering as he did so, which piqued her interest and made her worry a little. “I have earned back the full amount of your dowry. With interest higher than the present market rate.”

  The ground seemed to fall away from her feet, yet she remained upright. Rooted in place, and pulling her husband to a stop, but upright.

  “What?” she gasped, feeling her eyes stretch as they widened. “All twenty thousand pounds?”

  “With interest,” he affirmed with a nod. “It is safe, away from any of the investments and businesses that could risk a loss.”

  “But…” Lily wet her lips, her mind whirling on what she could remember of the marriage settlement. “But more than half of the dowry was tied up in my father’s investments and the estate. He couldn’t pay it all at once.”

  Thomas smiled with some pride, nodding again. “Indeed, so it took some time to get the amount from him and to renegotiate the investments into better straits. Once those investments had reaped what they could, I pulled them out and put them in the bank. The estate’s portion of your dowry earned out a year or two ago, and the rest was what I had used to keep afloat. And now every bit of that is earned back.”

  It was the most unfathomable thing she’d heard of, but she knew full well how her husband worked and strove and worried about business and finances. She knew the strain it had put on him during their marriage, and now she even began to understand why. To hear him speak with such satisfaction and pride, to hear the relief in being able to tell her of his success, she could not help but feel some relief in it as well.

  And some hope.

  “Oh, Thomas,” she said on a happy sigh, starting to walk again. “How wonderful! I can only imagine how this will help with caring for the estate and our tenants or in seeking to invest more in the mines here. There is such comfort in security, isn’t there?”

  Now it was her husband who pulled her to a stop, very gently. “I think you misunderstand me, sweetheart.” He met her eyes, turning more serious. “I have earned you back your dowry. Not me. The fortunes for our estate and family are set, and we are well-off, but your dowry, what came to me when I married you, is yours again. Solely yours.”

  Whatever stability in her footing Lily had felt before was completely obliterated by the sensations overtaking her now. It was as though she had been set upon one of the waves in the distance, rolling and falling in the same motion, unaware of anything but the tide.

  She couldn’t even ask him what he meant, could not form her lips into words, only had the power to stare back at him and wait for further explanation. If it were coming.

  “It is not our money,” he reaffirmed, his fingers brilliantly warm against her own. “It is just yours. I’m in the process of finalizing the details with my solicitor, making sure it will be in your name, as it should have been. I felt nothing but shame in taking the money when I married you, and now, finally, I am able to give it to you, as I hope I would have done if we had married under usual circumstances.”

  Lily exhaled sharply, her lungs heaving with the act. “What would I do with such a sum?” she stammered.

  The wind whipped between them, and Thomas stepped closer, bringing with him more warmth and protection from its sting. “It doesn’t matter,” he told her. “What does matter is that now there need be no distance between us. No barrier from loving you as I always should have done. No shame in my marrying you as I did. No guilt hanging about my ears. Lily, I feel as though I have washed the slate clean. There is much still to do to mend what has passed, but now I feel renewed and able to begin that mending. Would you let me try?”

  Would she? The man had worked himself into a frenzy over something as little as money, had scraped and saved and secluded himself in a world entirely of money and business to regain his footing, but then he had also given her something. Something she had never wanted nor particularly needed, but something that, to him, made all the difference.

  He had removed the obstacle keeping him from fully living in their marriage. From fully loving her. She’d had no obstacle but her own self-preservation and the acceptance of his behavior. Now he was asking her to accept this, both the money and himself, changed as he was.

  And heaven help her, she loved him just as much for that.

  She closed the distance between them, reaching for him and pulling him down to her until their lips collided. She might have been beyond words, but she was not beyond this.

  He responded at once, releasing her hand and wrapping his arm around her waist. His lips were fervent and sure, almost confident in their intentions, and her depth of feeling poured out through her own. She gave and gave and gave, arching into his hold and sealing herself to him with all the power in her being. Her legs began to shake beneath her, and she folded her arms about his neck to secure herself there, unwilling to let go or falter.

  He needed to know, he needed to feel, just how much she had longed for him, how badly she had wanted this. How much they both had missed. And how much there still could be.

  He broke off with a faint gasp, touching his brow to hers as he fought for breath. “Mercy, my love,” he managed. “I’m about two strands away from complete madness and likely to burst into flame right here and now for wanting you.” He took in a breath before releasing it very slowly. “Mercy.”

  Lily somehow found a laugh within her and very reluctantly lowered herself back to the ground, the soles of her feet protesting their change in position. “Wild and reckless, you said,” she whispered, sliding her arms down until her hands gripped his neck. “I believe this counts.”

  Thomas groaned, shaking his head against her. “Don’t tease me, Lily. I’ve no restraint for this.”

  “I don’t want rest
raint.” She arched up once more for a kiss, this one careful and short, but emphatic all the same. “I’m done with pretending in all its forms. I want something real.”

  One of his hands reached for her cheek, his hold somehow gentle and fierce all at once. His thumb brushed along her jaw, then slid to her lower lip, dipping his thumb just below its fullness, a subtle gesture that seared the nape of her neck and pulled at the pit of her stomach. “This is real, my love. I’ve never felt anything more in my life.”

  Lily all but purred in his hold, nuzzling against his palm. “Good. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for us. All I’ve ever dreamed of. Promise me we’ll keep it.”

  “I promise,” he whispered, his fingers curling against her skin.

  They stood there for a long moment, wrapped in the warmth of the exchange, in the admissions of the day, in the torrent of emotions and sensations roaring about and within them.

  How she could know what Thomas was experiencing, Lily could not say, but she was confident that he was sharing every aspect of this connection with her. Every wave of need and sigh of relief, every unsteady heartbeat and catch of breath, every brush of heated fingers was felt by them both, as though they were one. As though they shared everything. As though they had been married only yesterday and yet for eons of time.

  “We should go down to the beach,” Thomas said on a faint laugh. “Or we’ll never get there and back before dark.”

  Lily nodded, smiling up at him. “And I am beginning to grow hungry.”

  “Fie, my lady!” he cried, feigning outrage and rearing back with it. “Why did you not say so? A gentleman would never leave his lady to hunger!” He tutted, shaking his head and starting to walk again.

  Skipping back to his side, Lily laughed airily and took his hand once more. “I was more agreeably occupied. Hunger did not come to the forefront.”