Something Old

by Rebecca Connolly

  Thomas said nothing, but she could sense him there with her, listening as intently as though he were the speaker himself.

  “And yet…” She paused, searching for the words. “I cannot avoid those moments to protect myself, no matter how the wisdom of it haunts me. I will not. I crave those glimpses and those moments. I adore the way my heart warms and swells, to know those desires have not changed, no matter how dormant they may be at times. They are a part of me, ingrained in me, who I am. I will always want it. Always miss it. Always need it.” Her voice broke, and a tear slid down her cheek slowly. “And in those moments, I am truly myself.”

  His hand covered hers on the table, and her eyes flitted there, focused on the fingers tenderly cradling hers. She turned her hand beneath it, palm up, so she could hold onto him as he held onto her.

  “I love you.”

  Her throat closed, and she swallowed hard, looking up at him with more fear than she had ever done. His expression was soft and open, sadness in his eyes yet a smile on his lips as he looked at her. His fingers brushed gently against the tender skin at her wrist and hand, stroking them over and over, his breathing not quite steady. She watched as he swallowed and nearly buckled as he drew her hand to his lips.

  “I love you,” he whispered again.

  Lily sighed at the admission, feeling as though her heart would soar and somehow break for the joy within it. “I’ll never tire of hearing that.”

  “I’ll tell you every day,” he insisted, bringing their hands back to the table. “Any time of day. I’ll grow ridiculous with using the words so frequently. Perhaps I should have a signal of sorts to let you know that I’m saying I love you, that way I may do so in a public setting without embarrassing you.”

  “Another signal?” She laughed and covered their hands. “What would it be, then? You can’t fidget with your cravat pin, we’ve already used that one.”

  “I’ll think of something,” he assured her with a wink. “I’m determined to make sure you are fully aware of my love for you at any given time or place.”

  Lily shook her head slowly, more in wonder than in resignation. “Are you certain I am not living in a dream?”

  He grinned at the question. “No, but I’m equally certain I don’t want to know the reality if this is one.” His grin faded into a thoughtful smile, his fingers still tracing absent patterns against her skin. “I would love to give you a child, you know. Several of them, if you wish. I’ve a great desire to be a father, though I would not compare my feelings with the beauty of your own. I would like to be the father who plays with his children on the floor rather than always demand they continue their studies. I’d like to explore tidepools with them and collect peculiar rocks or shells, perhaps. Read them stories in the nursery before bed, sing them silly songs that will never put them to sleep…”

  Snickering at the idea, Lily rubbed the hand she held tenderly. “It sounds perfect.”

  “I never had that,” he admitted as a furrow appeared in his brow. “My father was distant, which suited him. And us, I suppose, for we knew no better.”

  “As was mine,” Lily whispered, though he would already know it.

  Thomas’s eyes found hers once more, a new light entering in them. “We’ll do it differently, Lily. Our children will never want for our attention or our affection.”

  She nodded eagerly. “They will always feel wanted for who they are, not simply that they exist.”

  “They will marry for love,” he insisted. “Not connection.”

  “We will ensure that they love their home and find comfort in their family.”

  “They will laugh, and laugh often. And we will laugh with them.”

  Silence settled between them, lingered as they stared at each other, as these new dreams rose between them, the brilliance of their unity something rare and unknown. Such sweet visions of their future, unlike anything Lily had foreseen but had always longed to attain. Could it be possible now? Could they love each other enough to bring it about, to build that family, and to bring those dreams into their lives? Could they live up to their new expectations?

  “I never thought I’d have any of that,” Thomas admitted softly. “Or this. Or you.”

  Lily could only shake her head, a faint trembling beginning within her chest.

  Thomas rose from the table slowly, keeping a hold on her hand, and moved around the table to her. She turned toward him expectantly, though what she anticipated was slightly less clear.

  He stood there a moment, looking down at her, expression unreadable. “Might I escort you back to bed, Mrs. Granger?”

  A deep shiver cascaded down her spine, ending in the smallest toe of her left foot, which began to tingle. “I would like that very much, Mr. Granger,” she breathed, hardly able to give voice to the words.

  He nodded, then bent to scoop her into his arms, making her gasp a startled laugh and link her arms around his neck.

  “This is carrying me to bed,” she pointed out, “not escorting.”

  He shrugged, making a face. “I didn’t care enough about the details to be particular. Besides, I’d like to carry my bride across the threshold of her room. I’ve been remiss in that duty.”

  Lily smiled softly and leaned in to kiss him, her fingers toying with his hair a little. “Your bride would very much enjoy that, sir.”

  “Good,” he exhaled roughly. “It would be deuced awkward if she didn’t.”

  She rolled her eyes, leaning her head on his shoulder as they moved into the bedroom. “How did we go from such a beautiful moment to this ridiculousness?”

  “I don’t find this ridiculous,” he protested, the hand at her waist beginning to tickle her sides. “What are you talking about?”

  “Don’t you dare!” Lily cried as helpless giggles escaped, trying to writhe away from the hand, which only drew her closer to him. “Thomas, don’t!”

  “No? Hmm.” He narrowed his eyes in speculation, pausing before the bed. “Then I suppose some other ridiculousness will have to do.”

  Lily tried to catch her breath, relieved for a moment. “Oh?”

  He nodded once. “Yes.” Without a word, he set her on the bed then scrambled up himself, trapping her within the cage of his body. “But what sort will I choose?”

  Lily’s pulse began to gallop as she looked up at the most handsome, loving, charming man she had ever met. “What if I wish to choose, hmm?”

  His eyes darkened, and his expression turned to one of interest. “Then I will, of course, defer to you, madam. I am a gentleman, after all.”

  “So you are,” she agreed, sliding a hand back into his hair and drawing him closer without any resistance on his part. “Of that, there can be no question.”

  And then her lips met his, and only ridiculousness transpired for quite some time.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The temptation to whistle like a sailor had never been so strong, and the occasion was entirely inappropriate for such a thing.

  Down in a mine, one rarely whistled.

  At least, that was the case at Wheal Dandrea, and Thomas did not feel the need to break tradition. But the temptation was there, nevertheless, along with a ridiculous smile that refused to abate. Anyone seeing him would have thought he had found his life’s mission and pleasure in mining, which was certainly not the case. He found satisfaction in the work, it was true, but the smile was for another reason entirely.

  He had never known bliss such as this in his life with Lily. It had been nearly a week since the ball at Helwithin, and the intimacy and familiarity he had enjoyed with his wife since that night had become something that humbled him. Something he would forever treasure. Something he would never take for granted.

  He knew what it was like to be distant and remote from his wife. He knew what a miracle it was to now feel as though she was the only person on earth who knew him best and in whose arms he could find the surest relief. He could tell her anything and everything, could be fully himself in her compan
y, and no longer felt the strain of distance that had permeated their marriage from the beginning.

  They had shared a bed every night since the ball, and there were no words for the depth of feeling those nights provided. He would never be able to sleep without her beside him again, he was sure of it. Waking in the morning and watching her continue to sleep had become one of the quiet pleasures of his life, the time when he felt most grateful for his lot in life, for the change they had both endured, for the beautiful woman who had crossed his path all those years ago. He might even give thanks for his financial misfortune one day, if only for the prodding it gave him to make her his wife after all his hemming and hawing about the thing.

  He should have done everything differently, but they were here now. He loved her more now than he had thought possible, more than he’d known he could love at all. He’d never felt the full measure of the man he wished to be until the last few days, and he could lay that transformation squarely at Lily’s feet.

  How could he have known that in improving his marriage, in letting himself truly love his wife, he would find the truest part of himself?

  The pair of them had taken advantage of their new, rather heady captivation with each other, spending their days in each other’s company at every moment despite already sharing the whole of the night together. Exploring every inch of the estate, riding their horses along Dandrea Beach, examining the books in the Pendrizzick library, and, perhaps Thomas’s favorite, practicing a collection of local folk songs on the pianoforte. Of course, Lily did the playing, he simply turned the pages and assisted with selection. And flirted shamelessly with his wife while she played.

  It was as though they had taken their wedding trip suddenly, though they had been married for ages. What magic there had been in recent days! How long could such enchantment last?

  They had previously set plans for themselves for today, which was why he was in the mine now, but it was likely better for them to have a little time apart. If for no other reason than to allow for the opportunity to miss one another.

  For Thomas, the chance to work alongside the men in the mine was welcome, and thus far was doing him a world of good. To feel the dirt beneath his feet, to learn what the life of his workers entailed, to strip away more and more of the starched gentleman of leisure he had become. He could have been a man of business his entire life if he had let himself consider it in his younger years. He might have taken a more active role in his interests before this. If only he’d opened his eyes to see the opportunities there.

  But he was seeing it now. He was finding his way now. He was happy in his relationship with his wife. He was happy with his business interests and more personally invested in those interests, not just financially. He was satisfied with the man he was and had hope for the future. He could not remember the last time he could say that about himself.

  He chuckled as he brought the pick down hard against the rock before him, just as he had been taught, chunks of the tunnel falling down to the ground by his feet. He wasn’t going to check the pieces for signs of tin or copper yet, he’d leave that for more experienced eyes. But being able to slam the axe into the walls of the tunnel over and over was oddly satisfying, even in his present state of happiness. He couldn’t imagine how much it would help a man when he had frustrations that needed to be released.

  “Laughter while you mine?” the voice of his neighbor asked in bemusement. “Either ye be mad, or ye be mad, which is it?”

  Thomas grinned at the man, an equally dirt-streaked face looking back at him. “Well, I am the furthest thing from angry at the present, if that enlightens you. In fact, I am delighted to be here and utterly content with my life.”

  The man blinked amid his dust-covered state. “Aye, ye be t’other mad, then, ain’t no mistake.”

  Laughing fully now, Thomas set his axe down. “Come now, Arscott. You’re captain of this productive mine. Are you telling me that you do not find satisfaction in occasionally joining your men and getting your hands dirty, rather than always dealing with the business aspect of it?”

  “One can be satisfied without laughing his head off in the bowels of the earth,” Arscott pointed out dryly. “’Tis a sign of an ill mind, I make no bones about it.”

  Thomas shrugged and bent to scoop up his rock pieces, placing them in the cart nearby for sending up to the surface. “You’ll not put me off of my current happiness, man. I was raised to be a man of leisure, and you have no idea how tedious that can be. A man wishes to act, you know. To exert himself in some way, and a gentleman does not have such an opportunity.”

  “If ye be lookin’ for sympathy here, sir, ye’d best look away, or ye’ll be sorely disappointed.”

  “I am not saying it does not have its advantages,” Thomas replied, holding his hands up in surrender. “But I believe there is a reason that gentlemen get themselves in trouble with gaming and whoring and the like. Racing recklessly, compromising respectable young women, wasting their family’s fortunes… All from a lack of meaningful action in his life, mark my words.”

  Arscott seemed to consider that, though skepticism was rife in his countenance. “Useful occupation will keep a man to himself, there’s no mistake. But I’d fall short of thinkin’ a jot of ’em would envy any of us down here.”

  Thomas grinned at the dubious suggestion. “That’s because they’ve never experienced the satisfaction in it! What’s there to dislike?”

  Apparently, other miners had been listening in, for now answers seemed to come from every direction.

  “The dark.”

  “The dirt.”

  “The smell.”

  “The air.”

  “Rockfalls.”

  “Flooding.”

  “Wages.”

  “Hours.”

  “And lackin’ any sort of proper appreciation from the ladies!”

  Jovial laughter rang up and down the tunnel Thomas was in, and he joined in with them. No doubt, it was uncommon enough for a shareholder to be in the mine with them, or any gentleman for that matter, but as he had every intention of outright owning this mine in the near future, he was determined to be on good terms with all of the men. Not only good but approachable terms. While Arscott was the mine captain and all concerns would likely flow through his domain, Thomas wished to be an active part of the mine’s activities and workings, down to the boys who ran the ore up to the surface for the bal maidens.

  Even when he was not in Cornwall, as he would undoubtedly one day have to return to London or Hampshire, he’d eagerly wait for reports and send replies the moment he could do so. If it were in his power, he’d give up Rainford altogether and forever stay at Pendrizzick once he made an offer for the place. But Rainford was special to Lily, given its proximity to Monty and her cousin’s children, as well as Beth, so he doubted in all likelihood that they could give it up. They could let the London house though, as they were so rarely there and took no pleasure in the Season. It was agreeably situated in location and in style, which ought to make it a popular option for those seeking accommodation.

  Lily might prefer that, actually. Split their time between Rainford and Pendrizzick… Enjoy the pleasures of country living continuously, apart from the rare moments they would be required in London…

  It sounded ideal to him, and he made a note to address this with her when he returned to Pendrizzick.

  He brought his attention back to his task at hand and the miners who worked alongside him. “I have never worked in a mine before, men, so my experience may be lacking. But I believe I can say with some certainty that I have never worked among such capital fellows, nor amid such fine-spirited company. A gent in a mine is no common sight, but you have given me the good fortune of appreciating the work you do with greater understanding and teaching me new skills that I would never find anywhere else. I am grateful to be down here with you and even more grateful that I have not yet been mocked for my efforts.”

  “There be plenty o’ time for tha’, si
r,” one of the men called up. “Jus’ let us get used to ee, an’ we’ll give ee a right clacking.”

  A few whistles rent the air as others chuckled, and all returned to their work, leaving Thomas and Arscott to themselves.

  Thomas wiped at his sweat-dampened brow, looking at the work he had done, comparing it to Arscott’s for a moment. “Well, if that isn’t a pitiful excuse for a morning’s work, I don’t know what is. Now I truly cannot believe I haven’t been mocked.”

  Arscott grunted his version of a laugh but offered a smile. “We ne’er mock a man his first time below, sir. Give us time, we’ll get to ye eventually.”

  There was no comfort in that, but Thomas found himself laughing and spent the next few minutes discussing the quality of rock they were mining and what could be learned from it. Even in the dark of the tunnels, with the light of torches and lanterns alone, Arscott could see the difference in layers and could point them out to Thomas with ease, though the distinction was not quite as clear to him.

  However educational the day was, Thomas was in no condition to truly work the whole of it in the mine. He would need to keep himself more fit and strong if he wished to participate in the work of his mines on a more active basis. He would have an aching back and shoulders that night, there was no mistake, and likely when he woke tomorrow as well.

  But it was worth it.

  Thomas shook hands with Arscott and a few others, then made his way up to the surface, finding his horse tied where he had left it that morning. He mounted quickly and set off in the direction of Pendrizzick. He needed to get back to enjoying time with his wife. As soon as possible.

  The mistress’s garden at Pendrizzick had become Lily’s favorite spot in the entire estate without any trouble at all. The stone walls were perfect protection from the wind that accompanied Cornwall, and the neat, cobblestone path that meandered through the plants was just short of perfect, which was one of the most endearing parts. A small pond sat in one corner, containing waterlilies and moss that added perfectly to the ambiance of the garden as a whole.