A Fire Upon the Deep
Page 83
* [vsv] the work on these suits is something for the Lost Time writeups. Make a bigger deal of the suit as Pham’s semisecret hobby. It is kinda pivotal in the RIP scene to action and credibility.
* IMP INCON why he doesn’t use the suit on Tines’ world. This is explained in the ship’s fire rewrite
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Note 859
* [vsv] CHK INCON 200y
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Note 860
* QU Milord, Milady in Norske (perhaps as a substitute for Sir)? Cappelens has only a paraphrased translation … a revealing point about the culture?
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Note 861
* [ur] AWK in following paragraph; could be improved
* CHK “hull stripes” “signet flag”
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Note 862
* [vsv] June 9, 1991 Oops, may have to RETRO write (Lost Time 1) that Riders didn’t know all about what he was doing with the suit. This is actually something of a logic hole.
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Note 863
* PRO Need more buttressing for weakness of this ambush. This could probably be provided when Pham and Ravna argue about revealing the secret of the skrodes.
* ID this transport node is actually another ring segment. This would go a little way to SOLving the PRB that these radically different volumes seem so close together. With these ring arcs there is also the analogy with recombination of DNA — lots of variety and change possible
* IMP! PRB QU Zone must to some extent rotate with the galaxy. New findings 1990 might also make it difficult for many star systems to stay in the same zone through a rev. Really important to think about this galactic dynamics in general. How much mixing would there be, that is, stars that spend part of their time in different zones. Seems like there would be a lot. If so there ought to be a number of races in the Slow Zone that have evidence of the other Zones
* [vsv] I’ve decided to go with the symmetric galactic model (not the barred spiral model), so this isn’t as much of a problem. However, I suppose it’s just bad luck that Qeng Ho hadn’t figured it out ID IMP Maybe they did! Maybe that’s what sent Pham on the Wild Goose chase (unfortunately in the wrong direction)
* [vsv] SEQ the flight of the Wild Goose
* [vsv] IMP this may imply slight change in his reporting of what the Wild Goose quest was (maybe not; you’ve already mentioned that he has memory problems)
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Note 864
* PRB QU INCON actually it seems like the skrode perversion should not produce perfectly functional critters SOLN : This is just added proof that there was heavy duty fiddling, and that the race is of long term interest to the Helper phenom. Sometime you should CHK your sidebars about the Helper’s background to make sure that you have presaged this properly. So this would be just part of the analysis that is revealed in the Skrode’s Secret scene.
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Note 865
* ID 100GJ? 1GJ? you should say the energy rating.
* ID IDEA for future ZONE story. A fast eddy. Decide what to say about how often surges happen. You should have that small yet extreme ones are possible.
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Note 866
* [ur] QU CHK velocity calculation on the hole you describe. CIT?
* [vsv] CHK INCON 5
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Note 867
* [vsv] INCON seems like he could have done this trick by reflecting off the towers or even off the Rider moon.
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Note 868
* [hld] joules=energy; watts=power ==> probably watts are the correct unit for talking about plasma bounce. could have the suit use synthetic stereo sound to cue threat vectors; this is practical now
* ID PRO In later scenes, Ravna can review the record Pham’s suit makes of all this.
* RETRO this “valley (alley?)” trick earlier rather than in this paragraph. Basically you want to give a feeling of a landscape that is also an interior of some sort.
* PRB QU This scene seems to blow away some of the self-doubts you were planning to have for Pham.
* PRB should have more about other senses, hearing in particular, in this scene.
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Note 869
* [vsv] June 9, 1991 Strange they didn’t blast Blueshell INCON
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Note 870
* NÆH : ID mama = Norsk mamma. When Jefri is rescued he might mistake Ravna for his mother. She picks him up, carries him off without correcting. He’s semi delerious.
* IMP INCON QU remember to put stuff in about crazed nature of monosex packs? I don’t know. There are reasons not to: Maybe Ravna&&Tines in Blabber were lying Maybe a monosex pack isn’t pathological if there are other packs around that do have members of the opposite sex
* [vsv] — NOTE : you already have some of this in the conversation with Vendacious, more is optional I think.
* ID PRO by the time Ravna and Pham discuss the Skrode Secret, she could have had a chance to review the suits recording DONE c28)
* ID SIDEBAR for late in the story. Speculation of what the galaxy would be like after a helper success. This could in the (perceptive) reader’s mind ultimately tie up with the reason for the Great Surge
* PRB QU HLD JLC MG JDV JF deus ex machina ending in a way seems even worse than an indecisive ending. I wonder whether the two problems can be made to collide with each other
* [hld] I still think they should find something on the refugee ship that the “god-fragment” in Pham can recognize/use to damage/control/kill the Helper, perhaps by being uploaded on the net from OOB — something ranging from a virus that wipes the Blight’s OS kernal to something that jumps starts something into the Transcend to clobber the Helper, or maybe bounces through the Net to some entity capable of causing Zone the surge. The entity could be in the Transcend (or TRAN Transcend) or maybe an astrophysical phenomenon that turns out to be a literal deus ex machina.
* PRB with Ravna/Pham skrode secret scene: Even if they did scream out the secret it would just be more net noise. You might simply ignore this question. In any case, if they did make such a public revelation it would be coming from a now infamous place: the OOB.
* ID OOB is kinda in an honored place: How many times has a single ship been such a focus?
* PRB INCON Where’s the refugee ship’s antenna cloud? Does it really need one? NO
* [hld] Refugee ship doesn’t need big antenna cloud if the receiver is huge, eg deep space probes have 2m antennas to Goldstone’s 85m antenna — YES
* ID RETRO QU PRB What was the actual reason for the attack on Relay. You should CHK what you say there. I don’t think it is reasonable that it was directed specifically to pick up the OOB mission. Perhaps the attack was just ancillary to the attack on Old One. <— YES June 9, 1991
* [vsv] June 14, 1991 At least 2 places I’ve tried to make give info about the Relay attack: one was in the Sandor posting.
* [hld] Maybe the attack on Relay was to kill the most probable antenna for receiving the Testament <— NO June 9, 1991 [vsv]— because this would imply the Blight knew it had lost something at the bottom. You need a better reason, hopefully one that does not implicate these Skroderiders. Tie up to nature of the helper. Helper is sort of a worm, in any case look at it from a natural history point of view
* PRB with the above SOLN is that then the Blight would be all set with a very custom fleet to chase them at the end
* Back to the scene at hand:
* ID RETRO One way you could explain Blueshell surviving this stunt is if there were holes in the landscape. This could be part of a description right at the beginning, in which you make it clear the paradoxical aspects of the landscape.
* [ur] IDEA 21Jan90 Fellow whose hobby is doing things with machines that have (macroscopic) moving parts.
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Note 871
* PRB INCON RETRO why weren’t the m
idges armed?
* QU RETRO decide about whether to use the nose lock more explicitly in docking — no; in fact, you’re pretty explicit that they’re using the ship’s cargo lock QU By now, should there be other holes in the hull? QU Also, it seems like this hab would likely have been cut loose from the arc when serious shooting started.
* [vsv] CHK INCON 2
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Note 872
* CHK how long they’ve really been on the road
* PRB BKG do some design work on weapons and nomenclature. Also a fair amount of RETRO writing should be done to make the nature of Pham’s weapons in this scene plausible.
* [vsv] RETRO the Comm Synod of RIP as a Rider run organization. Do it as a speculation June 9, 1991
* CHK INCON 150d CHRON
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Note 873
* [vsv] Looking back over the RIP stuff, it doesn’t look like I ever had Pham kick himself for perhaps not really being Qeng Ho; related to your new view of the credibility (during the narrative) of the Qeng Ho “myth” June 14, 1991 TUF
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Note 874
* NÆH : RETRO make it really clear somewhere that Riders are not plants.
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Note 875
* CHK what term did you use for Ship’s surgeon before?
* CHK QU how come this doesn’t remind him of his resuscitation after the escape from Relay? SOLN : He was more “out of it” then.
* [vsv] fixed earlier, by saying that he didn’t remember that
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Note 876
* [vsv] CHKd “left arm”? In c28, there appears to be no specification
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Note 877
* [vsv] CHK INCON 60ly 30h
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Note 878
* [vsv] NÆH : ID The evolution of stuttering could be remarked upon (early in Part I)
* CHK INCON grep for use of the word “console”; what should it mean? when Rav hears about SjK destruction, she is using her console. Use “command console” for what Pham is after now.
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Note 879
* [vsv] CHK what Pham said at the time of the shootout? Probably no problem, since I don’t say what he said in his beamer message to her.
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Note 880
* [vsv] INCON loops v restraints v what you say in this paragraph: Okay, I’ve removed references to “loop”.
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Note 881
* RETRO restrict the number of races in the concourse. Make clear that this is just the rarity, a group that can congregate. (Actually, there might be others, centered on different environments.)
* PRB Yecco. QU How can I have there be suit recordings if I don’t want Ravna to see how enthusiastically Greenstalk turned traitor? For that matter, there should have been recordings from Blueshell’s cameras, too. Maybe I have to skrag the idea Pham put recorders in his suit (might be plausible if it was a home-brew he built in the ship’s hobby center; maybe he always had a thing against flight recorders). But there’s still the question of Blueshell’s recorders.
* [hld] SOLN shoot up the records in the fight, and have partial records as necessary
* [vsv] [?] v (?) I now vote for (?) when in ordinary narrative see also my comment on this in c26
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Note 882
* [vsv] apparent INCON Unfortunately for my plot direction, the Riders were perfectly positioned to snoop for the Perversion; they even suggested the search for Jefri, on the basis of their trip to Straum. Yecco.
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Note 883
* PRB there were other ways to do the ambush: Like quietly pervert both Riders, get them on the ship and then immobilize the humans. Have to come up with some explanation (perhaps implicit) for why this wasn’t tried.
* [vsv] SOLN You may want to explicitly comment that the Blighter Fleet looks ad hoc — related to the fact the Blight has been focusing its searching upon the High Beyond.
* CHK INCON 500 June 9, 1991 CHK 500 ships Aprahanti CHRON PRB June 14, 1991
June 14, 1991 One point here might be that the full weight of pursuers has not yet arrived YES June 20, 1991
* June 20, 1991 “listening for” slightly AWK
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Note 884
* [vsv] June 9, 1991 INCON numbers are far larger than the Aprahanti fleetlet that was at RIP (20, you said back then) June 20, 1991 FIXED
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Note 885
* [vsv] QU Dialog too melodramatic?
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Note 886
* NÆH (because it highlights possible contradictions, and telegraphs too much):
* [vsv] ID maybe back when Greenstalk first brings up the Rider Myth, she might call it a time of great peace
* [vsv] INCON Given all this, it’s a little strange that she remembers with horror her being owned by the Perversion…. Possible SOLN : On the other hand, you could use this as all grist for Pham’s suspicions
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Note 887
* [vsv] [ur] June 20, 1991 IMP ER do you use the term “Rider Myth” consistently
compare here with its introduction and the way you use it in c38
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Note 888
* [vsv] [ur] June 20, 1991 “Pham of the Qeng Ho” AWK corn?
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Note 889
* [vsv] NÆH : CHK INCON has Pham (especially) or Rav used the term “Blight” before?
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Note 890
* [vsv] PRB “chin up” overused? This is the only usage; I think okay
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Note 891
* [vsv] small INCON he used voice to get console privileges in the first place
June 9, 1991 Critical issue:
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Note 892
* QU newRIP, what should be its name?
* PRB if the galaxy is so big how come Sjandra Kei (twice a coincidence) is close by? QU MG: This is also a problem with having flamer be at RIP. (Of course, this could be just one of many flamers, but even so….)
* ID could have the flamer be nebbish in person ID it makes sense that the OOB carry quite powerful ultrawave equipment
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Note 893
* [vsv] CHK palisades meaning
* [vsv] This sort of conflicts with the tunnels used in the denouement
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Note 894
* [vsv] If you don’t use “partitioned” elsewhere in connection with Tines, you should use “fragmented” in this paragraph
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Note 895
* [vsv] When to say “Woodcarver’s” v “Woodcarvers”
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Note 896
* [vsv] should mention this dome later on (coppered) when they are landing
* IMP technical INCON hld points out the copper dome will shield against radio; — changed to pink marble.
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Note 897
* QU how about some other word besides djinni?
* [vsv] Note that you do have one other reference to demons c13)
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Note 898
* [vsv] June 4, 1991 Yecco. The end of this paragraph conflicts with the final stuff you want to resolve in the reader’s mind about Tyra June 4, 1991 Okay, I’ve tried to fix it up some. The price is a stumble in the course of realigning her thinking (the paragraph is now showing high-rate personality oscillation). Ask jrf.
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Note 899
* [ur] FRAG As Tyrathect, she could see some of the flaws now. With all the flensing, Flenser had created a pack that was too dominated by fear. There was genius in Steel, potentially greater than Flenser’s, but it spent far too much of its time looking in all directions for threa
ts that were not there. If she had it to do over again….
* ID SEQ Maybe Steel is Mr. Tines in “The Blabber”
* ID SEQ QU Freudian slip Amdi/Hamid? in “The Blabber” Certainly it’s clear in “The Blabber” that somebody got it wrong about Jefri/Hamid being a math genius (ie, was fooled by Amdijefri’s little deception).
* INCON Earlier you make the point that there is no word for “child” in Tines talk (c15, I think, and fixed there to mean “pack of puppies”)
* [vsv] However, this does mean that you should avoid other uses of children for Tinish offspring?
* PRB QU Gotta get some consistent usage for the number of Amdijefri in the prose style you use — I say, use plural.
* NÆH : PRB Should work on making the radio cloaks plausible to your XX- century readers, yet still consistent with the background of Pham and Rav
* [hld] Are these “radios” EM devices at all? Recharging by sunlight gives probably power limit for all night use of about 10-20W. Note tht solar cells must be dark colored — silver/gold part here won’t work. Maybe they have to be spread out in the sun with the inside showing. IMP DONE (changed the color to mostly black).
* [vsv] The following is good, but I’ve decided not to do it: