A Fire Upon the Deep
Page 93
* [vsv] June 19, 1991 No, under my new “receiver side” dating format, it should be what OOB automation chooses.
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Note 1388
* [vsv] [ur] June 16, 1991 date is a little too late
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 Here is my reasoning (from current CHRON ): Various places, you say flight is to be 56d RIP/Tines’ World CHRON says they left RIP 4 days after Fall of SjK
* [vsv] [ur] miniSurge last 5d
* [vsv] [ur] Say a day max messing in the TW system till Pham’s riptide (which is the time I’m assuming for this message — though this message could be earlier <— (oops, from message internals It’s clear this Blight assault did occur earlier, so this note can’t be directly a consequence of Pham’s riptide? This may actually make things earlier, though one still wonders why the assault came when it did.)
* [ur] CHRON ” Date: 19.788 Msec since Fall of Relay (Clock Slop: unknown)
* [vsv] [ur] May 4, 1991 But other places, you elide it to “Sandor Intelligence”:
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Note 1389
* [vsv] I’m not sure if the preceding sentence is a typo!
* [jrf2] Where in the sentence? Looks okay to me. What don’t you get?
* [vsv] It’s just incongruous, since usually if you hear from someone again it’s because things turned out okay. Here, the opposite is true since Sandor intends to disband while it still has the ability to do so.
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Note 1390
* [ur] [Light gloss]
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Note 1391
* [ur] (full-gloss channel)
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Note 1392
* [vsv] June 19, 1991 Position now consistent with c19:594
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Note 1393
* INCON “Keywords” v “Key phrases”. I don’t think that there should be both fields
* [vsv] March 3, 1991 settled on “key phrases”
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Note 1394
* [vsv] [ur] May 4, 1991 CHKd
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Note 1395
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 Maybe even make this earlier than Sandor
3.223 Msec since Fall of Relay (Clock Slop < 4000 seconds)
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Note 1396
* [vsv] May 4, 1991 Make sure you haven’t zapped Debley Down
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Note 1397
* [vsv] INCON what about the Helper video?
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Note 1398
* [jdv] p816 repetitious about what had happened in this battle before
* [vsv] If reference is to the following paragraph, it should be easy to shorten
* [jrf2] Seems right. Do it.
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Note 1399
* [vsv] [ur] July 20, 1991 IMP SEQ the fact that godshatter thought it important to kill ramships probably implies that there is something that could be done at TW even after the maxi Surge, that would help the Blight
* [vsv] [ur] April 13, 1991 Humans affected somehow ( RETRO ).Packs affected substantially, in those cases where they can get togetherSome affect on AmdiFocus: This is like being next to a volcanoFeeling in air on skin. Enormous power. thinks the sun thing is almost good enough to carry the whole scene. But comment on how much power this is
Emphasize it and how small it is beside the unseen.
* [vsv] [ur] This is what jfr<?> meant by “more timely feedback”
* [vsv] [ur] April 13, 1991 Somewhere make clear/imply that the stealing of energy is from above the surface of the sun
* RETRO write Woodcarver’s obsession about keeping promises (or weaken it if you decide to partially kill Vendacious)
* [vsv] April 7, 1991 I think the proper notion is that News agrees on most of the facts about Countermeasure (and correctly, except for its connection with Zone storm)
* [5:10am August 8, 1990 ] notes for climax — should move to denouement.txt *Have a Net message; being at the head of a pin*Great balloon image: OOB*Feeling of danger, yet resignation, done everything you could
* Rav may think the best that could happen would be to get a message out
* Be nice if the cause of the Minisurge came as something of a surprise to most readers?
* [vsv] [ur] ID IMP that part of Pham’s function is to direct/focus Countermeasure; otherwise it is spastic — as witness the
* [vsv] [ur] NO : Countermeasure was designed for down here.
* [vsv] [ur] This is still Pham.
* [vsv] [ur] Make a list of dying statements.
* [vsv] [ur] Ravna: Shocked image of what the surge means to civilization. CHK INCON for repetition with similar statements about what the consequences of the minisurge were
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Note 1400
* QU all along, there have been suggestions for titles and chapter titles. Any suggestions for matching titles to chapters of this draft are certainly welcome.
* RETRO If you want this scene at all, you should have her come down on the north side of the castle, where presumably there aren’t a lot of corpses to distract from your peaceful imagery. TUF
* [ur] PRB I think you need more description here, perhaps about disposition of troops.
* [vsv] [ur] It seems like I need these Ravna scenes to have her finally meet the kids. On the other hand, does it slow up the remaining life-or-death crisis?
* [jrf2] You’re right; you need these scenes.
* [vsv] [ur] March 23, 1991 Done right, I think her indirect advance here could be due to her despair and because she knows that Pham is killing himself — but this is still thin. June 19, 1991 Also she feels shame at having brought the Blight’s hammer upon these people
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 100ha to a square km ( 1ha = 1e4 m**2). So I’m mainly referening to the oil destruction here
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 Inappropriate image here?
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Note 1401
* The brush fires that still swept up the fjords were mild by comparison.
* [vsv] CHK wind direction
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Note 1402
* PRB Elaborate on how the cart looks to Ravna.
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Note 1403
* [vsv] QU why did she land outside? June 19, 1991 Hell, it was hard for her to land at all!
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Note 1404
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 Slightly AWK paragraph
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Note 1405
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 Is it too much to mix the moth image with the last sentence in this paragraph?
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Note 1406
* [vsv] Is it okay not to mention Greenstalk here? June 19, 1991 TUF
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Note 1407
* [vsv] CHK INCON 2 domes ????
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Note 1408
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 “entrance to main dome”?
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Note 1409
* [vsv] [cf jrf2 in c04] possible echo of “plenty of noise” reference here NO
* [vsv] [ur] ? INCON timing compared to a few paragraphs earlier
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Note 1410
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 mARK June 19, 1991 AWK ordering
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Note 1411
* [vsv] size INCON
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Note 1412
* [vsv] May 26, 1991 Is Amdi too cheery here, after just losing his estimation for Steel? June 19, 1991 TUF . I do say he’s morose in patches
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Note 1413
* [vsv] [ur] Here is where different puppy sizes would affect things.
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Note 1414
* [vsv] might remark again its stripped down nature and perhaps the reaso
ns there are no drive spines
* [vsv] NÆH : SOLN In fact earlier, when Pham asks about Arne’s landing, Jefri might mention how the agrav had failed.
* [vsv] INCON earlier you still had lots of coldsleep boxes in here. I think that corrected now c24) March 3, 1991
* [vsv] March 17, 1991 still numerous earlier places where not corrected??
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Note 1415
* RETRO write some presentiment of what Countermeasure will look like here, in your earlier encounters with Amdijefri and Countermeasure.
* [vsv] Update the mold aspect of Countermeasure in this chapter. Overall, you want to tie this more to the previously reported appearance of the mold, and maybe move it into the commmand cabin.
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Note 1416
* [vsv] March 3, 1991 Consider deleting this detour into Peregrine’s background knowledge.
* [vsv] June 6, 1991 Maybe she should just assume he is talking beyond his real knowledge (parroting). This would be consistent with what Peregrine says about her on the atoll.
* PRB how to indicate that this is a artifact.
* ID REN consider “froth” “fractional dimensional froth” in place of “fractal”
* [vsv] not in place of, but as a synonym March 3, 1991
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Note 1417
* [ur] Page 733, INSERT E [begins a paragraph]:
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Note 1418
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 But why would she really know of such appearance?
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Note 1419
* [vsv] [ur] QU last couple of sentences ham-handed: Remember Pham’s burned hair, too.
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Note 1420
* [vsv] change “Testament” to another term consistently
* [vsv] Make it very explicit that Countermeasure is being used to call out for help (though there is then a little INCON with its ability to cause the miniSurge — apparently it can affect things some on its own)
* [vsv] [ur] This is where you get the notion that it is spastic without the control, in particular of Pham’s godshatter. cf Sandor in c32
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Note 1421
* [jdv] IMP RETRO p828 references to the Riders’ Myth — clarify
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Note 1422
* QU “back push”: I want a word for what happens when, just before a tsunami hits, the water draws quickly back from the coast
* [jrf2] “undertow”
* [jdv] “riptide”
* [vsv] Dictionary: “riptide” == “rip current” == “a strong surface current flowing outward from a shore”
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Note 1423
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 “krima” CHK for collision with vocab in Grimm’s World
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Note 1424
* [vsv] June 19, 1991 FRAG , as too wordy and somewhat repetitive of Woodcarver’s earlier statment: He judged that Woodcarver let him get away with it because his curiosity was the same character flaw that had led him to take such chances in the development of the Queen’s artillery.
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Note 1425
* [vsv] BKG INCON CHK “fliers” instead of “birds” ? <”birds” used elsewhere>
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Note 1426
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 CHK OED Oliphaunt properly RETRO write “Oliphaunt”
* [jrf] [ur] ??
* [vsv] This is a young child’s dataset. I have to RETRO write a little more about its appearance, I guess.
* [jrf2] “Oliphaunt” is animal name? Should describe this a little on first encounter with the dataset. [vsv: I think I do in the corrected ms]
* [vsv] CHK dimensions of OOB : 2*100m + hullwidth = spine span?
* [vsv] 120m long. Mass 20000Tonnes June 19, 1991
* [vsv] June 19, 1991 according to Guinness p301 USS Nimitz (aircraft carrier considered large in 1984) is 322.8m long 91487 short tons (~83000 Tonnes). Big sub from same era: 180m 30000 tons dived displacement
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Note 1427
* [vsv] April 6, 1991 “Balloon” image is good for consistency with Blabber, but doesn’t quite match previous description in this ms. FIXED
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Note 1428
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 You may want to shift c37, c38 so as to make this about noon (that would be about a twelve hour shift on all local time references
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Note 1429
* TITLE “When Straumers Go Afaring” in reference to Ravna’s leaving home to work for Vrinimi (oops, but she’s from SjK), or go to the High Lab.
* PRB QU It would really be nice if I had some first hand insight into what things were like at the High Lab. Possibilities: Speculation — as at the bar at the High DocksOverhearing Jefri’s parents discuss thingsJefri’s own recollections — as bounced off whom, though?Records on board the refugee ship, perhaps as viewed by the kids
* IMP In any case, under my present scheme the kids are going to be fooling with the Testament. PRB Have to do it in such a way that it doesn’t give too much away. SOLN : Scene playing with the fungus.
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Note 1430
* [vsv] April 6, 1991 CHKd preceding two paragraphs for undesirable resonance with “Nightfall”
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Note 1431
* [vsv] March 29, 1991 switch to Pham PoV here?
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Note 1432
* [vsv] ID Maybe somewhere in all the Net News speculation, there could be some discussion of planting countermeasures in archives. June 19, 1991 Sandor does this c32, I think) Alternatively, Pham might bring this up in that scene in their shared cabin on the OOB Lost Time MSGs
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Note 1433
* [vsv] QU INCON do you explain any where/why Countermeasure was stored in the lost archive? June 19, 1991 I think Sandor mentions it in c32
Related to this is the notion that the “Something” is not directly sentient
* [vsv] [ur] Notion that the Zones must be sentient
* [vsv] IMP ID use News to clear up INCON s: eg, the apparent incompetence of the Blighter Fleet (machines not of Transcendent manufacture) June 19, 1991 Sandor again c32. However, you can slip something in here, that the Blight never expected the Countermeasure to go down here (ties up with)
* [vsv] Searching High and Low TITLE DONE (in more than one place, I think).
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Note 1434
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 30 ly in 1000y is 0.03c = 9000km/s
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Note 1435
* [vsv] [ur] April 13, 1991 previous sentence is sympathetic toward those trying for transcendence; it maybe INCON for Ravna to think.
* TUF :
* PRB REN Through most of the book, you use “fleet” to mean the Qeng Ho, but here at the end you are often using it to refer to the Blighter Fleet.
* IMP QU to leave things set up on Tines World and in local space generally so there is the widest possible set of options for local and global sequels SEQ .
* [vsv] PRB INCON following statement attributes more insight to Olsndots than previously;
IMP you should work on it and connection with Prolog more
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Note 1436
* [vsv] definitely downplay “gray” (and even more, “smoky”) in talking about the Countermeasure here. PRB collision with the description of Pham’s skin
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Note 1437
* [vsv] “evolving” may be a bad term for this
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Note 1438
* [vsv] April 7, 1991 Put a sentence of two more here:
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Note 1439
* [vsv] April 13, 1991 RETRO Wild Goose
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Note 1440
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 Could have Greenstalk speak in the previous paragraph.
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 tojrf: Still wish I could suppress this hope:
* [ur] FRAG : #Johanna Olsndot stepped forward, stifled a gasp. “Maybe … there’s still our cold sleep boxes. There were some empties.” The girl was already moving toward the hatch. “If any work it’ll be maybe a four hour cycle time.” Jefri looked wildly at his sister and then Pham and then his sister. He rushed out the hatch after her.
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Note 1441
* QU suggestions solicited for how to improve this death-bed scene.
* [vsv] I still haven’t figured out plausible/effective way of introducing (to the reader, at least) absolute knowledge that Pham’s memories of Canberra and his career in the Qeng Ho are for real.
* [jrf2] Why can’t he just say so — that Old One really did take him, brain whole and put body parts together, but he, the essential PHam, had been who he’s said he was