by Harlow James
“I don’t want to run, Mom. I just—I just don’t want to live without you.”
Her hand reaches up to caress my cheek and then she tells me the words that I sealed deep in my chest for years to come. “Sometimes you just have to accept your fate.”
Those words have echoed in my mind ever since that day and each time something has gone wrong in my life. And I think since the first thing that negatively affected me after she passed was Trent, I’ve associated those words with my ‘curse’.
For years I’ve believed that any shitty hand I’ve been dealt is fate telling me to accept what’s happened.
I lost my mom to breast cancer. I know I have a possibility of developing it as well one day thanks to genetics. And I tend to pick the wrong men for me.
I started living my life jaded, convinced that I’d been dealt a shitty hand in love. And yet in the back of my mind was still a ray of hope that things would work out, that I wasn’t destined to walk this earth alone—that there was a man out there that would be utterly devoted to me like my dad was to my mom.
I still talk to my dad and sister regularly, but nothing can replace the voice and encouragement of your mother. And my father has never been the same since she passed. A part of him died that day with her too.
And as I let Brooks hold me and I assured him I wasn’t going anywhere, all of these feelings from four years ago came rushing back. I fought like hell to keep them buried and instead, immersed myself in his comfort, wishing that when my mother died I had someone close that could have done that for me.
If there was any clarification I needed to stop being afraid of what Brooks and I had, it was this—a shared experience would forever connect our souls. And even though his mom is still alive and fighting, I understand what he’s going through and that is not something that you can find easily.
I’ve found myself in yet another instance where a boy and his mom need my help, my soothing voice and reassurance that things will be okay until they aren’t.
I told him I was invested, that his happiness was my happiness. And I want to be that for him. In watching my mother die, I didn’t have someone who was watching out for me, asking me what I needed. My sister and I leaned on each other as much as we could, and my dad shut us out. I felt very alone and wished there were someone who could have just made sure that I was still standing at the end of the day.
So I will do that for him. I will take care of him while he takes care of his mom. It’s the least I can do, and better yet, it’s something I want to do.
With our lips pressed together, I show him that I can be strong for him in the moments when he feels weak, a need that comes barreling forward so fast that it takes me by surprise. And yet is also gives me clarification.
This man is who I’ve been waiting for.
“Brooks,” I declare breathlessly when we part. “It’s getting cold. We should start to head back.” I’m honestly loving being at the beach again after so long, but the desire coursing through me for him is winning the battle in my mind.
His lips perk up with that admission and then he moves to stand, reaching down for my hand to pull me up as well. “Well, I have one thing planned for you before we go back.”
“Okay. What is it?” Before I can say another word, our feet are moving forward towards the water, the sand growing colder beneath our feet as the sky burns a bright orange in front of us, the small semicircle of the sun still sitting on the horizon. “Brooks, I… I can’t.”
“Yes, you can,” he says before squeezing my hand even harder, wrapping his arm around my waist, and practically pulling me towards the ocean. He’s not being forceful or rough, but just demanding enough that I want to run.
My body is on high alert, my palms sweating, my heart pounding against my rib cage. I feel like a dog that’s fighting its leash, desperately trying to go in the other direction.
Brooks rests when we are just a few feet away from the line in the sand where the water stops in its journey up the shore. “Jess, look at me.”
I lock my eyes on the ocean, the heaviness that can be heard as the waves crash on themselves feels like it’s suffocating me. I can still feel that weight, especially in my dreams of that day when I was pulled under and couldn’t fight to breathe anymore. But then Brooks tilts my chin towards him so I see nothing but his reassuring face staring back down at me.
“I’m not going to let anything happen to you, okay? Remember what I said to you at Tony’s?”
I swallow and then recall those words that gave me the strength to go zip lining with him, or better yet, the strength to trust him. He’s asking me to trust him again. And I do.
“That any fear in life is easier to face with someone by your side that you know won’t let you fall.”
“That’s my girl. I won’t let you fall, Jess. I’ll be here the entire time. I just want you to put your feet in, to see that although the water is dark and you can’t see through to the bottom, facing your fear will start to brighten up your mind to the possibility that nothing bad is going to happen. You told me you weren’t going anywhere earlier, that you would support me. Well, that’s what I want to do for you too. I want to be your rock as well. I want you to feel brave enough to tackle any challenge that comes your way.”
Where the hell did this man come from and how did I get lucky enough for him to choose me?
“Okay,” I relent, and then take a deep breath. I cling to Brooks’ hand, pull up the bottom of my dress that’s been dragging on the sand, and scoot forward just as the water reaches where we’re standing, the stark cold temperature catching me by surprise even though I knew it was coming. “Ah! Oh my gosh, that’s cold!”
Brooks chuckles beside me and then urges me forward. “Come on, you can go further than this. Remember, I’m right here.”
I nod slightly and then take a few more steps while we wait for the tide to return. And when it does, the water covers both of my feet up to my ankles, and then floods right back out to the ocean as quickly as it came in. Every time the water rolls in, we move out further, and I feel a pang of fear radiate in my chest the second the water hits my skin. But then it subsides like the waves and falls away, leaving me with a relief that I am finally stepping foot in the ocean after all of this time, and it’s with Brooks’ hand in mine that I contain the bravery to do that.
“You’re smiling,” he says, pulling my eyes to him.
“I am?”
“Yeah. How are you feeling?”
I sigh and then twist my head from side to side, basking in the view, the smell, the wind hitting my face. “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but thank you for pushing me to do it.” I thrust up on my toes, wrap my arms around his neck, and kiss him once more, tangling our tongues together and shifting the intention behind the kiss just like our relationship has shifted in the conversations held on this beach.
We stand in the ocean for a few more minutes, Brooks’ arms wrapped around me from behind, but then I encourage him to leave once more. We have a hotel room to occupy, and I know exactly what I want to do in that bed.
There’s no more need to wait. Tonight solidified it for me. I can trust him. I can let him in, and he’s not going to hurt me.
The walk back to the room is filled with promise and a buzz of anticipation as we stroll through the darkness, admiring the unimpeded view of the stars in the sky. When we make it to our room, I go to the bathroom to freshen up. Dragging my fingers through my braid, I release the strands from their style, creating beach-like waves. I strip off my dress to reveal the lavender strapless bra and thong I put on underneath in the hopes that tonight would lead to this.
In the back of my mind there was still doubt that what Brooks had to tell me would be something I couldn’t accept. But now that I know we share this bond, I’m more convinced that it’s time for us to connect this way. And even though I realize I’m going to have to share that information with him eventually, I don’t want it to be right now.
I
want the next few minutes to just be about us connecting, sharing our bodies completely with one another, much like we’re sharing our souls.
With one spritz of my perfume, I check my appearance in the mirror, my tiny stature looking as feminine as possible. I may be tiny in height, but my curves definitely don’t equate. Brooks has told me on many occasions how much he loves my body, and I’m hoping that tonight he enjoys all of me.
As I step out of the bathroom, I catch a glimpse of him sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at his phone. He seems to be typing out a text message, so I let him finish before I alert him of my presence.
“Hey.” His head shoots up and his eyes goes wide, followed by his smile as he watches me walk towards him.
“Damn, Jess. You look incredible.” He throws his phone to the side and then straightens his spine.
“You like?” I ask as I twirl around so he can enjoy the entire view, glancing over my shoulder so I don’t miss his reaction.
His tongue darts out to lick his lips and I count that as confirmation. “You have no idea, baby. Come here.” He directs me over with a curl of his finger, my feet following his command as I arrive between his legs. His hands land on my hips and then slide down over the curve of my ass, grabbing my cheeks and giving them a slight squeeze.
“I want you, Brooks. All of you.”
Our eyes bounce back and forth between one another for a moment while he searches for clarification. “Are you sure? You know I have no problem with waiting, Jess.”
I nod enthusiastically. “I know. And you’ve been so patient. But I’m sure, Brooks. I want you. I can’t wait anymore. Not after today…”
“Thank fuck,” he mutters before crushing his lips to mine and pulling me into his chest. Our arms wrap around each other and then I move to straddle his lap on the bed, my knees framing his hips. As I rest my core over his legs, the thick outline of his erection presses against me, warming me up in record time and dampening my thong quickly.
We continue to work each other’s mouths until Brooks flips us over so my back lands on the bed with finesse. He breaks our kiss and starts trailing his lips down my throat, over my collarbone, and then stops just at the swell of my breasts slips further out of my bra from me lying down.
“Do you like your nipples played with?” He asks, peering up at me while he hovers above my chest.
I nod, struggling to find words as my entire body shakes with anticipation.
“Use your words, baby. Talk to me. Don’t be afraid to tell me what you want.”
“I… I want you to suck on my nipples, Brooks.”
“Damn,” he growls. “That was even sexier hearing it from your lips.”
I giggle and then push up on my elbows so Brooks can reach behind and unclasp my bra, pulling away the lavender lace from my body. Even though we’ve fooled around, he hasn’t seen my breasts yet, which makes me slightly nervous—ironic, I know since he’s eaten me out. However, by the way he’s studying my chest, I’d say he approves and that squashes my nerves.
“God, you’re fucking perfect, Jess.” He bends down and palms my chest, caressing the skin and trailing his thumbs lightly on the underside, but never touching my nipples. “When did you get this?” He asks as his fingers trail over the butterfly tattoo on my ribs, the only ink I have on my body in remembrance of my mom. Since Brooks has never seen my upper body before, I understand his surprise.
“When I was twenty-two. I’ve always loved butterflies,” I offer as an explanation, even though the image holds much more meaning than that.
My mother and I used to spend hours outside in our backyard when I was a kid while I helped her work in her garden. She loved plants and flowers, and I loved listening to her tell me about all the different kinds there were. She’d let me pick out which ones we should plant when we went to the store, and of course I always picked the pink and purple ones. But my mom didn’t care. She filled our entire yard with pink and purple flowers, which happened to be the same colors I chose for the wings of my tattoo.
“Why are there so many butterflies, Mommy?” I’d asked her one day, watching them flit through the air and travel from bloom to bloom.
“Because butterflies love flowers, but they also remind us to embrace life, to keep hope, and to accept change. Some say that seeing a butterfly is a sign from an angel in heaven.”
As Brooks traces the lines of my ink, I soak up the words my mother spoke and remind myself to embrace the changes happening in my life, a notion I’ve been fighting for a while now.
Maybe I was just waiting for Brooks to help me see it and accept it.
This feeling—of this man telling me how much he adores me, wants me, needs to be with me—it’s overwhelming. He’s honest and pure, regardless of waiting to share aspects of his life with me. If anyone understands what he’s going through, it is me. So I want to make sure that he feels the reciprocation, that he knows that although it’s taken us a while to get here, it’s all been worth it to me.
As Brooks slowly lowers himself over my chest, I hold my breath as I wait for that first stroke of his tongue on my nipples, the buds already harder than glass from the chilly air in the room and the readiness coursing through my body.
“It’s beautiful,” he says before placing a soft kiss over the image inked into my skin.
“I love the way you touch me, Brooks,” I exclaim as the wet heat of his mouth closes over my nipple next and I gasp at the contact.
“Mmmmm,” he moans before releasing me from his mouth and then pinching my nipples between both thumbs and forefingers. “I couldn’t stop touching you right now even if I tried, Jess.” And then he’s back, this time with more fervor as his mouth laps, sucks, and nips at my chest, spreading the wealth between both of my breasts while the ache between my legs builds and sharpens to a throb.
With one final pop of my nipple from his mouth, he stands and then reaches behind his neck, drawing up his shirt to expose his chest to me, a part of him I’ve yet to experience as well. At this moment I realize we may have done things a bit backwards in our exploration of each other’s bodies, starting at the bottom and working our way up.
I sit up on the bed, crawling towards him before propping myself up on my knees, my hands connecting with his torso to draw feather-like touches all over his chest and abs. Brooks is toned and broad, a stark contrast to me. He’s light and I’m dark. He’s big and I’m small.
But together, we somehow fit.
I press my lips to his pec, dragging my tongue along his nipple, enticing a moan from him this time. He leans forward and grabs my ass while I explore his torso and raise the temperature between us. I feel his thumbs hook through the waist of my thong as he drags it down my legs, so I help him maneuver the fabric off of me and then resume my position in front of him, reaching for his button on his shorts now and releasing it quickly.
“You’re so fucking beautiful, Jess.” The intensity of his stare as I lower his zipper and drag the metal down has my body alive with need for him. I want to take this slow, savor every moment. And then the other part of me can’t wait until he’s buried inside of me.
“I want you, Brooks.” My hand moves inside of his shorts, under his underwear to find his hot and hard length ready for me. My thumb drags through the pre-cum at his tip while my other hand tries to push down the fabric encasing his hips and legs to the floor. Brooks assists me in removing his shorts so when he stands and steps out of them, we’re both completely naked together for the first time.
Two bared bodies. Two bared souls. Two people who are finding solace in each other.
“Lean back,” he directs me as I press one last kiss to his chest, release his dick from my hands, and crawl backwards on the bed. Brooks drops to the floor for a moment to fetch a condom out of his wallet, and then moves up to join me, placing the foil pouch on the bed beside my head.
His mouth moves back to my chest to suck on my nipples again as one of his hands dances across my mound befo
re he drags a finger through my slit that is soaked with my arousal. Just feeling him touch me there sparks the fire inside of me tenfold.
“Touch me, Brooks. Finger me.”
“As you wish, babe.” He tests my readiness, which is clearly indicative right now, and then slowly pushes two fingers inside of me, reaching up and rubbing along that sweet spot that he knows will set me off.
“Brooks…” I mewl, gasping on each intrusion of his fingers into my core.
My body is raging, my hands moving to my other breast that Brooks’ mouth is not attached to at this moment to pinch my nipple and caress the flesh, adding to the sensations that he is eliciting all over my body right now.
“You like that, Jess?”
“Yes, keep going.”
“I never planned on stopping, baby.”
Brooks speeds up the pace of his fingers in time with his tongue, and like the weight of the waves of the ocean, my orgasm slams into me, making me cry out in pleasure.
“Yes!” My voice is so loud, I barely recognize myself before Brooks seals his mouth over mine to quiet my calls.
“Shhhh, baby. That was so fucking hot, but I don’t want us to get kicked out,” he teases, dragging his nose down my cheek and neck, planting kisses along the way.
“I’m sorry, but fuck.”
He chuckles and then reaches for the condom, ripping the foil with ease, and covering his cock in one fluid motion.
“You ready for this, Jess? You can still change your mind.”
I shake my head. “I’m not changing my mind, Brooks. I want this.”
“I want this too, baby. So much.” His lips find mine in a sensual peck before he lines himself up to my entrance and pushes forward, filling me with every inch of him as he pulses and plunges a few times before he reaches my end.
“Oh, God,” I moan when he leans forward, finds my mouth again, and then kisses me intensely while he moves. It’s been a while since I’ve had sex, but this feels different. This is meaningful and worth the wait because the pressure and pleasure building takes me high in a matter of minutes.
