by Harlow James
“Well, I’m not dating a quitter, so we can’t have that.”
“Damn right, I never quit,” he growls in my ear, reminding me of just how determined this man can get when he’s eager to please. Just the thought of Brooks working me over makes my entire body shiver and a bolt of arousal strike low in my belly.
“Oh, I know. I wish I could see you later,” I admit before Brooks moves to travel to the oncology department.
“Me too. But we have a date planned for two days from now, remember? Besides, tonight is gonna be bad for my mom, and I have to get some sleep before my shift tomorrow. We wouldn’t have been able to spend quality time together anyway.”
“I know. I just… I love sleeping in your arms.”
“I love that too, baby.” His lips find mind in a confirming kiss, his reassurance spreading throughout me as our mouths explore each other while I’m sure people passing by observe.
But I don’t care. I don’t want to hide. I want everyone to know that Brooks Bennet is mine.
“I’ll call you later,” he says when we part, giving me one last peck on the lips.
“Stay strong.” I release him from my grasp and watch him walk away, the wink he gives me over his shoulder builds a smile so quickly on my face, it takes hours for it to fade.
My shift goes by fairly quickly considering that in slow moments, my thoughts are focused solely on Brooks and how he’s doing. I remember sitting through just a few chemo sessions with my mom and how painful it was to watch her be pumped full of drugs that I knew weren’t going to make her feel better, but actually worse.
I’d give anything to be able to help Brooks through that. In the past month, I’ve managed to be there after her last session when he came to my apartment and broke down in my arms. I held him as he confessed how worried he is that she won’t make it after her latest scan showed no change in the amount of cancer in her body. He was feeling one-hundred percent comfortable to be honest and raw with me, and I’m glad that he feels that way. That’s what I wanted to be for him. I’m not going to lie and say that it’s easy to hear it though when it only brings back those emotions for me. But as I promised when he told me about his mother’s diagnosis, my goal was to be there for him—to give him what he needs so that he can give his mom what she needs.
“Jess, I could use your help in bay five,” Dr. Hill calls to me halfway through my shift as a mother holds her son that shoved a marble up his nose. It takes me and one other nurse to hold him down as the doctor pushes air through the nostril to extricate the glass orb. I swear it’s instances like these that make me question having kids someday.
And then the image of Brooks pushing a little girl on the swings or bouncing a baby in his arms pushes that silly notion out of my brain. Because watching that man be a father to a child of our own has now become my new favorite day dream.
By the time my shift ends, I have a full-fledged movie playing through my head of our house, our family, and the memories we will share in the years to come.
I clock out and drive home, barely keeping my eyes open. It’s early in the morning and my bed is calling my name, but a shower is necessary before I snuggle into my clean sheets.
“Hey, baby,” Brooks answers after the first ring. I didn’t want to go to sleep without checking on him first.
“Hey, you. How’d it go?”
“It’s been a rough night. She threw up in her bed and I had to change all of her bedding. She was just too tired to make it to the bathroom and missed the bowl I placed next to her head. Once I got her settled back in though, she slept fine, but I didn’t. I was too afraid of her getting sick again.”
My heart breaks for him at that moment because I know he feels helpless. That’s exactly how I felt. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s brutal, Jess. I wish I could hold you right now just so I can feel like everything is going to be okay.”
“I wish that too. I’m about to hop in the shower though and pass out. It was a long shift.”
“I bet. Get some rest, baby. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Okay. Take a deep breath, Brooks. Just remember she’s still alive.”
“I know. Thank you. Sweet dreams.” The line goes silent as a heaviness rains down on me, much like the stream of water pouring all over my body in the shower later.
I wish I could take away the pain I know Brooks is feeling, the exact level of powerlessness and uncertainty that’s plaguing his mind and heart. Cancer is horrible and unfair, a disease that has no prejudice, no discrimination based on gender, race, or age.
My mother was only in her mid-forties when it took her life. And even though I’m approaching thirty, I know that her genes run through me.
As I stare out my kitchen window and watch the sun move higher in the sky, a white butterfly flies past and makes my lips tip up. Every time I see one, I like to think it’s my mother paying me a visit, reminding me that she’s watching over me and I’m never truly without her.
“I love you too, Mom,” I whisper, feeling as though that butterfly was a sign from her in more ways than one.
As I move into the shower and stew on my mother’s presence, I decide to do a check on my own breasts, even though I know it’s probably just a precaution nagging in the back of my mind. I make sure to check myself regularly, but I realized it’s been a while since I’ve explored and concluded that everything feels normal.
As my hands move around my right breast, I let out a sigh of relief as my touch indicates everything feels smooth and normal.
But then I feel it as my hand curves under the left side, so small that if I hadn’t moved my hand in that direction, I probably would have missed it. My fingers stop in the movement and poke and slide back and forth over the skin where a small bump has appeared on the side of my left breast, right above my butterfly tattoo.
And suddenly the sign that I think my mother was sending me is protruding from my body as a physical representation of an impending truth I felt one day I would have to face.
I just didn’t think it would be this soon.
“No…. no, no, no…” I whisper in the shower as my entire body freezes and my breath catches in my throat.
I have a lump.
On my breast.
At twenty-nine.
This can’t be happening.
Chapter 24
Brooks
“I can’t believe we’re fucking doing this.” Ethan moves around me in the jewelry store, glancing down at all the engagement rings in front of us.
Princess cut, round, oval, pear—how the hell is a guy supposed to pick the right one?
“I’m not saying I’m gonna get down on one knee tonight, but I know I don’t want to wait very long. I fucking love her, man. And if my mom’s treatment isn’t making things better, I want her to be able to see us get married. I plan on seeing her tomorrow, and I want to lay everything down on the line.”
“You’re gonna propose tomorrow?” Ethan folds his arms over his chest as his eyebrows threaten to leave his forehead.
“No, not tomorrow. But I am gonna tell her that I love her. I haven’t done that yet.”
“Wow. Pretty sure I dropped that on Mariah about a month in.”
“Yeah, well, you’ve always moved faster in love and relationships. This is unfamiliar territory for me. And given everything that Jess and I have been through and are going through, I didn’t want to rush it. I wanted to make sure that the timing was right.”
“Understandable. I’m happy for you, man. Jess is great. And the few times we’ve all had dinner, it’s like she just fits right into our family.”
“Right? I think that was the last puzzle piece for me. Everything slid into place after that first night. My mom loves her too.”
Ethan’s grin spreads wide across his lips and then he clasps me on the shoulder. “Then let’s pick out some rings. I know Mariah’s hand won’t be bare for much longer too.”
Every moment we spend together, every touch an
d smile Jess and I share lights up my life in a way I never imagined. She’s become my best friend, my confidant, the one person who I can be completely honest with. I don’t feel like I have to put on a front with her. She allows me to be vulnerable and open, a feeling I’ve never truly experienced with a woman until her. And I’m tired of being afraid to let her know that I love her with every cell in my body. I didn’t want to scare her, but I can’t wait any longer.
Watching my mother fight for her life has broken a part of me that I don’t think will ever fully repair. But Jess makes me hopeful that at least she will be there to pick up the pieces as I crumble. I’m harboring as much strength as I can to deal with the next round of impending tests in a few weeks to see how effective her chemo has been, but with Jess I don’t have to put on that mask. She lets me get it out—my doubts and fears—even though it kills me to think that she had to go through the same thing once and I wasn’t there for her in the same way.
After my mother’s treatment last week, we met up as planned, but Jess requested that we stay in instead of going out. So we ordered pizza and watched a movie and then made love on the couch. Everything seemed fine, but I also had this nagging feeling in my mind like something was wrong. She was quieter than usual, which she just chocked up to being tired. Yet, I can’t help but feel like maybe she’s frustrated with me or the pace of our relationship, which is why I plan on having a heartfelt conversation with her tonight. I’m going to lay everything on the line and make sure that she knows that she’s my future. And then when the time is right, I’m gonna slap this ring on her finger and make her mine forever.
“Hey. Check this one out.” I point to a vintage style, princess cut ring that caught my eye as soon as I saw it. The center stone sits on the band surrounded by a border of small round stones, and the band is covered with those same circular diamonds. It’s classy and beautiful, just like Jess is.
“Yeah, that’s nice. I think I might go with this one.” Ethan points to a round solitaire on a white gold band. “Mariah likes simple, and I could see this rock on her hand for sure.”
The sales lady comes by to assist us, explaining the four C’s of diamonds, and then after a few stacks of paperwork, Ethan and I walk out of the store with two rings for two incredible women.
“Do you know when you’re going to propose?” I ask Ethan while we devour our lunch.
He finishes chewing before answering. “Not exactly, but I have an idea. I want to catch her off-guard though, so she doesn’t expect it. What about you?”
“Well, I was thinking of taking Jess skydiving.”
“What? You’re gonna propose in the air?”
I chuckle at my cousin’s lack of common sense and then pop a fry in my mouth. “No, after we land. She’s never been and I’ve been trying to help her face her fears and live a little. We’ve done the axe throwing and zip lining, but I feel like skydiving would be a pretty big leap.”
“I’ll say. Good luck with that,” he chides.
“I think I can get her on board with that soon. And if not, maybe I’ll aim for spontaneity. Jess says she likes that about me.”
Later that evening as I sit on the edge of my bed and stare down at the ring I can’t wait to place on Jess’s finger, I thank God for bringing this woman in my life when the most important woman before her is battling for hers. The sparkle of the diamond as the light hits it only clarifies for me that I’m tired of waiting on the right time. Life is short, and I want Jess to be in mine forever.
Chapter 25
Jess
“Good morning! Well, I guess technically it’s night. But it feels like our morning, right?” Piper’s cheery voice startles me as I turn around in my desk chair and glance up at her.
My hand falls over my chest on instinct as I will my heart to calm down. “Jesus, Piper! You scared me.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to frighten you. How’s it going? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in a while.”
It’s true. I haven’t spoken to her in a while. I haven’t spoken to many people, actually. And I’ve even been trying to keep Brooks at bay until I can get the test results back on my biopsy, which hasn’t been as taxing as I thought given our work schedules.
The day after I found my lump, I snuck into the oncology department at the hospital. Dr. Lexington and I have always been cordial, so I asked the receptionist if I could get an appointment with him, urging that discretion was necessary. She fit me in at the next available slot that worked out for me a few days later, and he rushed my biopsy given my family history. Since the extraction, I’ve been avoiding work and people. I took the day off after to rest and switched shifts with another girl since I wasn’t supposed to lift anything for a few days. The last thing I needed was to be in the middle of an emergency and have to explain why I couldn’t lift the patient.
But now the tension and nausea are building as I expect a call from him very soon with the results.
I haven’t been able to sleep or eat as the pending doom looming over me rests in the back of my mind all day. And I know it’s cancer, given I had the chance of developing it because of my mom. Even though there’s still a possibility that it’s not, I just never thought this would be a situation I would face this early in my life, especially when I feel like my life is finally beginning. And as much as I want to hold on to hope that God could be putting me through the ringer for nothing, my gut tells me that I know my fate.
I must have been staring off into space because suddenly Piper is right in my face, her eyes boring into mine. “Hey, what’s going on with you? You look like you’re about to be sick.”
I shake my head and then glance back at the computer, avoiding her eyes. “No. I’m fine.” I’m sure my tight-lipped smile is extremely convincing.
She narrows her eyes at me just as I glance in her direction. “No, I call bullshit. Sorry. I have one friend that is messed up right now going through a break-up, and my gut is telling me that you’re not okay either. I feel like you’ve been kind of off the past week. For a while there, I thought you were using drugs, you were so damn happy and giddy all the time. But now… I don’t know. I feel like something’s going on.” She softens her voices and then grabs my shoulders with her hands as she leans closer. “You know you can talk to me, right?”
The stings of tears builds behind my eyes. I can’t break down at work, not in front of people, or worse, in front of Brooks. We’re on shift together tonight, but I’ve been trying to avoid him.
Last week when we were supposed to go out the day after I found my lump, I invited him over instead. We ate pizza, watched a movie, and made love on the couch in which I insisted on keeping my top on. I didn’t want him to feel it, even though he probably wouldn’t have even noticed because I barely did.
As he kissed and touched every inch of my body, I fought every natural instinct in me to hold in my tears, knowing that soon I would have to give him up. I want to believe that we can get through whatever awaits me on the other side of this diagnosis, but I can’t put Brooks through that. He’s already dealing with his mom. And even though I’m sure he would, the last thing I want is to ask him to support me too.
“I…” I start to speak and then I feel my lips tremble.
Piper grabs my hand and pulls me to a storage closet just as the first tear breaks free. Her arms encircle me, holding me against her warm body and supporting my weight as I break down, finally letting all the emotion free that’s been building inside me for the past seven days. The only time I cried was the night I found the lump. Other than that, I’ve been keeping it together on a tightrope, knowing that there was no use in crying over something that I can’t control.
But now, having someone else to talk to about it, the reality that Piper will not allow me to keep this to myself—it’s granting me the relief to finally release the most basic human emotions that anyone would feel in these circumstances.
“Jess, you’re scaring me. Talk to me, sweetie.”
; I stand up and wipe my face, tears and snot covering multiple areas. “Piper. I’ve never told you this… but… my mother died from breast cancer.”
Her mouth falls open as a lengthy breath follows. “Oh my gosh, Jess. I’m so sorry. Did this just happen?”
I shake my head and look down at the floor. “No. It was a little over seven years ago. But I don’t like to talk about it. It was a very hard time in my life, and right after that was when I started dating Trent, which lead me to believe I was cursed and all of these horrible things were just going to continue to happen to me.”
She reaches out for my arm, stroking her hand up and down. “That’s understandable. Sometimes after we experience a loss, we associate our grief with different things. We can feel like the universe is out to get us. That’s kind of how I felt in my circumstances. I’d finally found Cash, but then my ability to have children was diminished. Luckily, he’s the most incredible man and supports me.”
“That’s just it. I finally found Brooks and then all of these emotions came flooding back when he revealed that his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.”
“So that’s what this is about? It’s been difficult to witness her fight because it reminds you of your mom?”
“Yes, and no.” I take a deep breath and then let it all out. “I… I was in the shower last week and realized it had been a while since I’d done a self-exam. I do them pretty regularly since I know I’m predisposed to developing the cancer myself. But… I found a lump.”
Piper gasps and moves to cover her mouth with her hands. Her eyes fill with tears as she stares at me, not making a sound. “No, Jess,” she finally whispers after what seems like a lifetime. “Oh, my god…” Her voice is barely noticeable as the heaviness of my confession rests between us.
All I can do is cry more, let all the tears fall as she pulls me back in to her arms and we stand there for god knows how long. “Did you make an appointment with your doctor?” She finally asks, wiping away her own tears.
