Devoted: Emerson Falls, Book 5 (Emerson Falls Series)

by Harlow James

  “Yeah. I actually went straight to Dr. Lexington’s department the next day. They did a needle biopsy a few days ago. I’m waiting for the results.”

  “Jesus. What did they say based on the scans? Was it small?”

  “The lump didn’t feel very big. In fact, I was surprised I noticed it, and he mentioned the same thing. It is tiny, which is good. It must have been the way I moved my fingers because I honestly don’t know that I would have caught it otherwise. But it’s there.” I point to the side of my left breast where my lump resides.

  “Okay. Okay… so what happens now?”

  “Well, once we get the results back, we can come up with a treatment plan. But at this point, I think I just want a double mastectomy. That way, I can remove the tissue that I know will ultimately try to kill me.”

  “Jess, just because your mom died, doesn’t mean you will too. It sounds to me like you caught it just in time. If there’s any positive aspect to focus on, it’s that. Try to be patient and not jump to any rash decisions, okay? But no matter what you decide, you know that I’m here for you.”

  I blow out a breath and look to the side of the room, surrendering to the fact that there is another issue I’m facing. “I don’t know what to do about Brooks.”

  Suddenly, Piper’s demeanor changes, her body becoming rigid like she’s preparing for a fight. “What do you mean? You’re going to tell him, right?”

  “I… I don’t think I can.”

  “Jess,” she exhales in frustration and then looks back at the door. “Look, we need to get back out on the floor soon before people come looking for us.” She twists back to me and then scrutinizes me with her gaze. “I am beyond devastated for you, but promise me, you won’t do something stupid right now. You’re feeling all sorts of things and your mind is going to fight you and convince you that the worst is going to happen. Why don’t you come over tomorrow night? Rachel has been leaving her ass print on my couch for the past week, and she needs some cheering up. We can have a girl’s night, eat our weight in carbs, and talk it out. You can’t give up on what you’ve built with him. You two are so perfect together.”

  Closing my eyes, I try to take in her words, but I feel like my mind is already made up. I can’t do this to him. He doesn’t deserve this kind of luck. It seems we both just need to accept my fate.

  “A girl’s night sounds good, but I can’t promise I’ll be excellent company.”

  “I don’t care,” she says before pulling me in for another hug. “Just come over and talk with us. It might help.”

  “Fine. Let me know what to bring.”

  She smiles and then cups my cheek. “Just you, Jess. Just bring you. You’re going to get through this. This is not the end for you—I feel that in my bones. This is just a speed bump.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  She reaches for both of my hands, clasping our palms together before bringing them up between us, her unwavering friendship coursing through our touch and her words. “I’m so sorry this is your reality right now, Jess. But I’m here, okay? I promise you I’m here.”

  We share one more hug before we exit the storage closet and I go to the bathroom to clean myself up. As I make my way around the ER a little later, Brooks stops me for a moment.

  “Hey, baby,” he whispers in my ear before leaning back, smiling down at me, and surveying my face. And then his mouth falls flat instantly, spiking my nerves. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I lie, not knowing how much longer I’m going to be able to fake normalcy with him.

  He eyes me suspiciously before continuing. “Okay. Well, do wanna come over tomorrow for dinner? I have something important I want to talk to you about.” His smile has returned along with the twinkle in his eyes. The man is so perfect and it kills me that I don’t get to keep him. The universe didn’t listen to my plea.

  “Uh, I actually have plans with Piper and Rachel. She asked me to come over tomorrow to help cheer Rachel up since Luke fired her last week.”

  “What? What happened?”

  I shrug and then look away, trying to focus on anything besides the beauty of his face and heart as he shows concern for my friend. “I’m not entirely sure, but Piper is worried about her. Rain check?”

  He kisses my temple as I close my eyes and memorize his touch. “Of course. But if you wanna come over after that, you know my door and bed are always open.”

  I glance up at him and give him the best smile I can muster. “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

  A fresh case pulls his attention from me as I let out the tension coiling in my shoulders from lying to him again. Once I know the results of the biopsy, I know what I’ll have to do.

  I have to let Brooks go, like a butterfly taking flight. He deserves to be free from the chains that have sealed my fate. I just hope I’ll be brave enough to let him fly.

  Chapter 26

  Jess

  Stage zero. Less than two centimeters in size. Cancer has not spread beyond the breast.

  Best-case scenario.

  Dr. Lexington called me the next morning and asked me to come in to his office to talk. I was able to sneak in right after my shift ended where he explained the next steps to take. In cancer speak, my case was the best to have. My chance of survival in the next five years is over ninety percent, which is incredible considering that I knew this disease would find me one day.

  My mother gave me a sign at the perfect time, preventing my body from letting the cancer grow at a rapid rate that could have ended my life in a matter of months. I thanked her repeatedly that morning after I met with him and decided how to move forward.

  And yet in the back of mind, my brain keeps nagging—but what about after this? How many times are you going to be fearful that this will come back? Does Brooks deserve to share in that pain and anxiety each time you go in for a scan?

  Better yet, he doesn’t need yet another woman to look after and risk losing from this horrible disease.

  All of those questions ultimately lead to my final decision as I sat across from Dr. Lexington and took the plunge. “I want a double mastectomy,” I command as Dr. Lexington goes over my options.

  “That’s not necessary, Jess. We can do a simple lumpectomy and start radiation…”

  “No.” I shake my head adamantly. “I want them gone. My breasts are just going to keep trying to kill me. I don’t want to give them the chance.”

  Dr. Lexington lets out a relented sigh. “Okay. We can do that. With your family history, I understand your decision. Let me consult with Tabitha get you on the schedule. Would you like to do reconstruction at the same time?”

  “Yes. That way I only have to go under once. And I want you to harvest my eggs. I still want the option of children if that becomes a possibility.” That dream of having kids with Brooks someday just seems to get blurrier and blurrier as the days have progressed since my biopsy.

  He writes down a few notes on my chart before looking back up at me. “You’re going to have to take time off from your job, you know that, right?”

  I nod. “Yes, I’m aware. I’ll make arrangements as soon as we have a date nailed down. I want to do this under the radar as much as possible.” The assurance running through my veins keeps my resolve from crumbling. I can face this head on. I don’t want to have to rely on others more than I need to. I don’t want sympathy and pity from my co-workers. I’ll just have to come up with some excuse for my leave. Maybe I need to travel back to Portland to visit my family for a few weeks, or something.

  After I found the lump, I called my sister almost immediately and urged her to check herself. She’s only two years younger than me, and if I found one at twenty-nine, there’s no telling whether the cancer could find her in the same timeframe. I told her not to tell our dad though until I knew my diagnosis.

  She sobbed into the phone, naturally, and prayed to God that I wouldn’t die too. I tried to reassure her that the lump was small, which is a good sign, but I
wasn’t going to take this discovery lightly—that I would fight this and do whatever was necessary to stay alive.

  “Okay. I have to say, Jess, I’m sorry this has happened to you. As not only your doctor, but your colleague, I want you to know that we will do everything we can to ensure your survival. Cancer is a bitch, but you found this at the perfect time.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Lexington.”

  “Please call me Thomas.”

  I feel my lips start to shake, but I fight back the reaction to his attempt at human connection. I know what he’s doing. He’s wanting to make me feel like I’m not alone.

  But I have to do this alone.

  “I’ll see you soon, Dr. Lexington.” I stand and follow him out to reception, where we’re able to fit in my surgery in a week’s time. This leaves me to scramble to cover my shifts rather quickly, but if I contact the HR department, I’m sure they can help.

  I want to get this over with. I want to extract this poison from my body as soon as possible so I can move on. I just don’t know what that moving on will look like.

  Later that afternoon as I make my way to Piper’s house, I feel the blanket of strength start to coat me. I’m going to beat this. I’m making the right decision by removing my breasts and doing everything I can to not risk the cancer returning.

  But how to let go of Brooks is still the decision I have yet to decide on how to handle.

  “Hey, sleeping beauty.” I hover over the couch, staring down at a sleeping Rachel bundled up under a blanket.

  “Hey.” She sits up and wipes drool away from her face.

  “Well, aren’t you just a merry ball of sunshine?” I tease but then sit down next to her. Studying her right now is like looking in a mirror each time I nursed my broken heart after another relationship ended. Lord help me for what is about to come when I break up with Brooks.

  “Yup.”

  “Seriously,” I lower my voice, reaching for her hand. “How are you holding up?”

  She shakes her head as tears build in her eyes. “I’ve been better.”

  “Life just sucks sometimes,” I say in the most reassuring voice I can, soothingly rubbing my hands with hers as tears start to build in my eyes as well. Damn, I was doing so well until I saw how emotional she was. I feel so bad that after finally getting Luke to own up to his feelings for her, he pushed her away so soon.

  “Yeah. It does,” she chokes out as she cries freely and I join her silently, hoping it doesn’t spark her curiosity. I pull her into my arms as Piper sits on the other side of her. “Why are you crying, Jess? Are you crying for me?” She asks as she pushes away.

  “Uh… yeah. I just know how badly a broken heart feels.” Piper eyes me across the couch in one of those looks that’s calling my bullshit. I know she’s not going to let me get out of tonight without confessing to Rachel what’s going on with me. And as reluctant as I want to be about it, part of me knows that I want the two of them to be the only people I lean on through this.

  But I’m going to prolong it as long as possible.

  Instead, I wipe my face and try to shift the conversation to be more lighthearted. “You know what? I think we all just need to drown our sorrows in food tonight. So… Rach? Are you ready to consume mass quantities of carbs and calories and not give two fucks about it?” I hold my hand up like we’re pledging a sorority or something.

  Rachel cracks a slight smile and equally tiny laugh. I count that as a win. “Sure.”

  “Perfect. Piper, what’s the E.T.A. on the pizza?”

  “Five minutes,” she replies, mock-saluting her. Piper and I both stand as I follow her into the kitchen, helping her put away the sundae supplies I brought for later. Calories do not count tonight.

  “You know you’re going to have to talk to us tonight. I’m not letting you get out of that.”

  I sigh as I place the ice cream in the freezer. “I know. And I will. But right now, can we just be there for Rachel?”

  “Yes, I agree. At least tell me, has Dr. Lexington called you yet?”

  I turn to face her and she registers the look on my face almost instantly. “I met with him this morning.”

  “Oh, god.”

  “It’s actually okay. I’ll explain later.”

  She reaches for my hand just as the doorbell rings from the pizza delivery. “I’m here not matter what, Jess.”

  I rest my other hand over our clasped ones. “I know.”

  Once our plates are full and we settle into the couches, I turn the focus back on Rachel. “Okay, so I’m pretty sure you’ve filled Piper in on all the details, but I need to know what the hell happened,” I ask around a mouthful of food.

  “Well, everything was fine until we had sex. It was like something happened that night. He was so sure it was what he wanted, but then the next day, he seemed off. I tried to chalk it up to him probably feeling all sorts of things having finally slept with another woman who wasn’t Hannah. You know?” Piper and I both nod. “But then he just became increasingly more distant as the week went on. It’s hard not to take that personally.”

  I shake my head adamantly and then finish chewing my bite. “No, don’t play that game. This is not your fault. You have been nothing but amazing to that man and his son.” God, I feel like punching Luke right now for making Rachel question her worth.

  “I know. But when Hannah’s parents came, that’s when the shit hit the fan.” She spends the next several minutes recounting their fight in the garage.

  “I’m sorry, Rachel. I think he’s just scared.” Piper leans forward in her chair, reaching for her hand.

  “I do too. But I can’t make that go away for him.”

  I bob my head in agreement before becoming emotional again. “Exactly. He has to see the light. And he needs to be honest about what and who he wants… but sometimes being honest about things is hard.” My throat becomes scratchy when my emotion builds again. I haven’t cried in a few days and even after my meeting with Dr. Lexington this morning. And now because I let a few tears free earlier, I feel like my body is about to let the damn break.

  “Jess, is there something you need to talk about? I feel like you’re being cryptic as hell.” Rachel’s eyes volley back and forth between Piper and I as Piper shoots me a discerning look.

  I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to keep it together, so I might as well just spill. I close my eyes before popping them open again, and as I move to speak, Cash enters the house before I can say anything. My lips close in on themselves as I freeze, realizing I could have just spilled my secret in front of him. I asked Piper not to say anything about my lump to him, even though I know she wants to. But I didn’t know what my diagnosis was yet, so I didn’t want to cause alarm. Cash isn’t the type of man to sit back and watch anything happen to his friends. And if he knows, I know he’s going to want to help, even though there’s not much he can do.

  “Hey, girls. How’s it going?” His eyes light up when he sees Piper in her chair, walking over like a string is pulling him towards her, taking her face in his hands before he kisses her and leaves her breathless.

  “See! That right there is a man that is not afraid of commitment!” I declare, so damn happy for my friend. Of course, I’m pretty sure Brooks would do the same to me, but we haven’t truly talked about our future yet. And now I guess it’s pointless to.

  “Don’t worry, ladies. Before this woman here, that’s exactly what I feared. But she changed all that,” he says while holding her cheeks in his palms.

  “Ugh. I love you two, you know that. But if you keep flaunting your love around me right now, I’ll be forced to stay in my room until further notice,” Rachel chastises them before placing her plate on the coffee table.

  “Fuck, I’m sorry, Rach.” Cash stands up and then walks over to her, pulling her up into a hug. “Don’t worry, I’m gonna make him sorry he ever hurt you.”

  “Oh, yeah?” She chuckles. “How?”

  “Don’t worry about that
.” He winks. “Just know some tough love is in order for my good friend, Luke.”

  I can’t help but laugh at how assuring his voice is, almost like he has this brilliant plan to change Luke’s mind. And hey, you know what? I hope he does. I hope Cash does help Luke see how stupid he is to let a woman like Rachel slip through his fingers.

  But is that what I’m planning to do to Brooks? Push away the perfect man I’ve been searching for and finally found?

  No, this is different, I desperately try to convince myself silently. This is a matter of life and death. This is a matter of respecting the fact that he is already supporting his mother in her fight. He doesn’t need the burden of mine too.

  Cash moves back over to Piper and brushes her hair from her face before he changes the subject. “I’m going to go to the gym and then probably swing by the retirement center to see Birdie. I don’t want to intrude on your ladies’ night, babe. Just text me when you girls are about to call it a night.”

  “Sounds good. Be safe.” They kiss each other once more and then Cash grabs his gym bag and leaves us all alone.

  Piper’s eyes zero in on mine. “Alright, Jess. Cash interrupted you, but now it’s time to talk.”

  “What’s going on you two? I feel like I’m the last kid in school to know the latest gossip.” Rachel resumes her position on the couch as I brace myself to speak again.

  “Rachel, I’m sorry that Luke broke up with you and fired you, sweetie. I truly am. You don’t deserve that. But there’s something going on in my life that I need to tell you. Piper already knows, but today I got more news.”

  “Okay, you’re scaring me, Jess. What’s happening? Are you okay?”

  I take a deep breath and then utter the words out loud for the first time. “I have stage zero breast cancer, which if you’re going to get breast cancer, that’s the one you want.”

  Rachel gasps much like Piper did when I told her about the lump, but this time Piper actually lets out a small sigh of relief.

  “Oh, my god. Jess…”

  I hold my hand up as she starts to move closer. I don’t want to hug it out right now. I just need to keep going. “The lump is small and the cells haven’t spread, which is good. Dr. Lexington, the oncologist I’m seeing at the hospital, suggested a lumpectomy to remove it, but I’m opting for a double mastectomy.”