by Brie Paisley
“I’m fine,” I answer without any hesitation whatsoever.
Ava sighs, and I know she doesn’t believe me. “Trixie, you know you can talk to me about what happened, right?”
Deep down, I know she’s trying to help. She’s being a good friend, thinking about me, but I’m still not ready to face what happened. I still carry the intense pain with me every single day, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to open up about it.
“I’m really fine, Ava. Look, I’ve got a lot of work to do, so can we talk later?”
“Trix, there’s something—” I clench my jaw tight, as she’s interrupted by one of the kids crying. It’s not that I don’t love her children, because I do.
It’s just I feel such immense envy and jealousy.
I want what she has.
A family.
I could’ve had that, too, but my baby died.
Holding onto the phone tightly, Ava says, “Sorry, Alexei is getting hungry.”
“No, it’s fine. I have to go anyway.”
“Wait, Trixie—”
I hang up the phone, before she can finish, and I pretend I’m okay. I suck in a deep breath, and once my walls are back in place, I go about my day, as if nothing is wrong.
But deep down, my soul feels, as if it’s dying all over again.
Why did I accept the invitation to meet some of my co-workers for a drink after work? At the time, it seemed like a good idea, or more of a good distraction. However, the longer I sit at the table with them, I realize just how much I have changed.
Before the … incident, I loved to go out and have fun with my friends. I enjoyed having a good time, while living my best life. But now, I find myself searching for the door, hoping someone will give me an easy out. I don’t know how many times I’ve looked at the bar’s door, wondering if I just snuck out, would anyone even notice I was gone.
I don’t fit in here.
I don’t even like most of these people.
What am I doing?
As soon as the thought crosses my mind, I look down at my untouched drink, and then glance up to my co-workers. They’re having so much fun, drinking and laughing. While they’re distracted with someone’s story, I quickly get up, leave some money for my untouched drink on the table, and then walk right out of the bar.
It’s kind of sad no one saw me, or even thought to ask why I was leaving. Though the thought is so depressing, I accept it, as my new life now. As much as it hurts, I know I can’t go back to my old life.
Sebastian wouldn’t want me anyway, especially not after what I said to him.
The sudden urge to call my mom stops me dead in my tracks, because the idea that I might actually need her is ridiculous. I’ve never needed her before, so I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way. I also know if I do call her and tell her what’s going on, she’ll end up making it about her, or worse, put me down for feeling like this.
Shaking my head, I push away the stupid notion of needing her, and then I continue to walk towards my car. As I get in, I lean back against the seat, wondering what I need to do to fill this new void in my heart. How do I go about the rest of my life, knowing how huge this new void is?
The answer is, there is no real answer.
Starting up the car, I make my way home, thinking about how I was once happy. I’ve been thinking a lot about Sebastian, and more importantly, how he’s doing. Does he feel this empty pit in his stomach, too? Does he hurt, like I still am? A part of me wants to reach out to him, but I don’t. I’m afraid of what he’ll say or do, if we ever happen to see each other again.
Would we act like strangers, as if meeting for the first time? Would he ignore me, like I don’t exist? Sighing, I realize it’s pointless to think about any of this. Honestly, there is no point, because he’ll never forgive me for what I said to him.
I don’t deserve his forgiveness anyway.
Pulling up at my apartment complex, I park and quickly make my way inside. An entire bottle of wine is calling my name, and also, a hot bubble bath to sooth away the tension I suddenly feel.
Just as I find the key to my apartment, I glance up, and I instantly lose my breath. I stop in the middle of the hallway, wondering if I’ve finally lost it. This is that pivotal moment that I think I might have just crossed over to insanity.
Sebastian sits on the floor, right outside my door, seeming to be waiting for me. He doesn’t notice me at first, and I’m honestly glad he hasn’t. It gives me a moment to take him in, and to admire just how handsome he still is.
That and the fact that six months hasn’t changed a damn thing about how much I still love him.
Maybe, this is the universe giving me a sign that it’s time to face him. Maybe, it’s fate playing a role with how my life has turned out. Either way, I know seeing him now isn’t just a coincidence. There is a reason he’s here, waiting right outside my door.
Now, I just have to decide, if I should walk up to him, or if I should just turn around and act like I never saw him.
My curiosity wins out, and I take a step forward.
And then, I take another and another.
The last step, I must finally catch his attention, since his head raises, and as soon as our gazes connect, my heart beats again for the first time in months. It feels like I haven’t felt my heart beating in so long, but now that he’s here, it’s finally decided to wake up.
As I reach him, I have to remind myself to breathe. It’s refreshing to feel all these sensations again. Honestly, it’s amazing to feel anything at all. I’ve felt numb for so long, and I had no idea, if I’d ever be able to experience any type of emotion again.
I should’ve known better though.
When it comes to Sebastian Matvei, he makes me feel, whether I want to or not.
I almost ask how he found me, since I never told him I was moving to another state, but then, I remember Ava, trying to tell me something earlier today. I know she was trying to warn me, and it’s possible she’s the one who told Sebastian where I was, too. I’m not upset with her about it, but now, I wish I wouldn’t have hung up on her. Letting out a sigh, what’s done is done, and now, it’s time to figure out why he’s here.
Standing inches away from him, I swallow hard, as I ask, “What are you doing here?”
He looks away for a moment, and I’m glad for the reprieve. His gaze is still intense as hell, so it’s a good thing he broke it first. “I’d like to talk, if you’re free.”
I suppose I could lie to him, and tell him some excuse, so he’ll leave. However, as my heart races faster and faster, I realize I don’t want him to go just yet. “Yeah, sure. Do you want to come inside?” I ask, as I point towards the door to my apartment.
With his nod, I turn, and then unlock the door. Walking inside, I glance around, wondering what he thinks of my new place. It’s barren, just like my soul. When I moved here, it never felt … right, so I never took the time to decorate or make it my own. It has everything I need, so I felt that was good enough.
It just shows me once again that I haven’t been living life at all for the past six months.
Pushing away my depressing thoughts, I set my purse and keys down on the small table by the door. “Do you want something to drink?” I don’t dare glance at him, because I don’t fully trust myself. It’s so easy to fall back into old patterns, and a part of me, does want to fall to my knees for him.
But I can’t let myself do that.
“Water is fine,” he says, and I quickly grab two bottles from the fridge.
Without thinking, I open the first, take a drink, and then hand it to him. I don’t realize what I’ve done, until after he takes it from me, and then clenches his jaw.
Fuck.
This is going to be harder than I thought.
Shaking it off like it’s not a big deal, I ask, “So, what did you want to talk about?” I try to sound nonchalant about it, but deep down, my stomach is starting to churn. My nerves are rising higher and higher, and no mat
ter how many times I tell myself to stay calm, my damn body refuses to listen.
Sebastian isn’t making things easier either. He takes his sweet time, as he looks around my new home, and then walks over to the couch. He sits on the armrest, but he has yet to utter a single word. It seems he’s trying to drag things out on purpose, and it shouldn’t surprise me. He’s always been like this, especially when he and I first met.
So, of course, he shocks me, when he finally asks, “Why did you leave?”
I’m so caught off guard by his question that I stay silent for a long while. I don’t know what he wants me to say, so I try to down play it. “I needed a change,” I state with a shrug of my shoulders.
He nods, takes a drink of his water, and then claims, “You’re a horrible liar.” Frowning, I start to argue with him, but then he adds, “If you wanted a change, then why move to Chicago? You could’ve moved to another city, and got a job there, but instead, you moved far enough way, that you knew no one would come looking.”
“Not to mention, you just up and left without telling anyone,” he tacks on with a hard tone of voice, and my stomach drops, realizing how bad this conversation can go. “So, do me and yourself a favor and tell me the truth.”
Shaking my head, I set my bottle of water down on the counter, as I utter, “I don’t know what you want me to say, Sebastian.”
“The truth, Trixie. Why is that so hard for you?”
“I’m not lying. I did need a change, and I’m sorry you can’t understand that. So what, if I left without saying goodbye. You’re the one that told me to leave. So, why do you care so much about how I live my life?”
As he stands, he claims, “Because I still fucking love you that’s why, and I never thought you would just up and try to disappear on me. If anything, I thought you would take a few days to figure things out, and then we could’ve worked through things.” He shakes his head, before adding, “Instead, you literally abandoned everyone, including me.”
My breath leaves me in a rush, and I stand as still as a statue. I’m not sure how to respond. Not to mention, how to even think of his confession. The longer I don’t say a word, the more I understand what’s going on here.
He’s here to bring me back, and I’m not ready.
“Look, I appreciate you coming all this way, but I can’t do this,” I say, but hate the way my voice cracks. I want to be stronger, but the truth is, I’m heading down a path that’ll lead to nothing but more pain.
But Sebastian isn’t interested in listening to me.
“It took me one day to realize what you were doing, and as soon as I figured it out, I went looking for you. Do you have any idea what it felt like to find out you’d left? Your apartment was empty, and you just up and disappeared on everyone. I had to question Kendra and Ava for weeks, before they finally told me what you did.”
He takes a minute to suck in a deep breath, before saying, “I was livid, Trixie. You. Left. Me. It’s like I meant nothing to you at all.” He glances away for a moment, before he claims, “Once I realized you moved to another state, I convinced myself it was for the best. I literally convinced myself that it was better for you, so instead of immediately coming to bring you home, I let you go. But then, one day it hit me. I can’t just let you go, because I love you, and I still want you in my life.”
Gazing down at my feet, I try my hardest not to feel guilty about what I did. Needless to say, it isn’t working. I hate the rush of guilt that flows through me just as fast as my own blood. I hate with every beat of my racing heart, it continues to grow, unrelenting at the same time. Opening my mouth, I try to form words, an excuse, or anything to appease him. But it never comes, and Sebastian uses the opportunity to finish saying what he needs to.
“I know losing the baby was extremely hard for you, and I understand more now than I did before. But fuck, Trixie, I needed you, too. Did you ever once think about me, when you decided to shut me out? Did you once think that I was and still am hurting, too?”
Shaking my head, I desperately want to ignore his words and how much they hurt to hear. I don’t want to listen to how much he’s hurting and how much he needed me. “I can’t do this, Sebastian,” I plead, hoping he’ll just shut up and go.
It’s so much easier to ignore the pain and pretend everything is alright. The easy road is always simple and less complicated to go down, and I want nothing more than to take the easy route. I don’t want to face why I pushed him away, or why I kept myself in a state of numbness. I don’t want to admit why I had to do what I did.
“I’m not going anywhere, and I’ll be damned, if I let you do what you did before. I’m here because it’s time you finally tell me why, Trixie. I deserve to know why.”
“No, I can’t,” I say once more, begging him to drop it.
He steps closer, and I notice his jaw is clenching. He’s angry, and he has every right to be. I don’t blame him one single bit for his anger, because deep down, I deserve it. “Tell me why,” he demands, and a shiver runs down my spine.
God, I’ve missed that tone of voice, even if I don’t want to acknowledge it, and now that the command has been issued, it’s impossible to ignore. Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, “I wasn’t thinking about you that’s why.”
“You’re fucking right about that, but there’s more, and you’re going to tell me.”
Anger finally makes its appearance, and I’m thankful it does. Anger I can hold onto tightly, and it doesn’t hurt one bit. “I don’t have to do anything for you anymore.”
When he takes another step forward, I step back. He does it again, and then again, until I realize he’s forced me back against the wall. I have nowhere else to go, and I get the feeling he knew what he was doing. I can tell by the way one of his arms raises, blocking me, as the other cups my cheek.
For a single moment, I close my eyes, allowing the sensation of his comfort to fill me. It’s been so long, since anyone has touched me, so I let him, because I’m craving it. As much as I wish I didn’t want it, I do.
I still need him, even if I don’t deserve him.
Opening my eyes, I glance up, staring into his deep green eyes. I see his pain, gazing right back at me, and I’m sure he sees mine, too. As he uses his thumb to rub against my cheek, he demands, “Stop shutting me out, and tell me everything.”
Tears suddenly build in my eyes, as I beg, “Please, don’t make me.”
“Tell. Me.”
A single tear falls, but he wipes it away, as soon as it slides down my face. Unable to keep his gaze any longer, I suck in a deep breath, before I finally admit, “It’s my fault.” As soon as the words escape, more tears fall, and Sebastian can’t keep up with them. “It’s all my fault that our baby isn’t here anymore.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? Of course, it’s not your fault, Trixie. You did absolutely nothing wrong.”
“Then why do I feel like it is? Why do I always feel so much guilt for what happened?” Dropping my head, I let all the pain and all of the agony, wash through me, and I heave in a sharp breath, as it all comes rushing back.
This is why I left. This is why I stayed in my little bubble of numbness. I can’t bear feeling this way, and there is nothing Sebastian can do to ease it.
Pushing him away, I’m a little surprised he lets me go. Running a hand through my hair, I face him, showing him just how much I’m still suffering. “Do you have any idea what it feels like to wake up every single morning with this immense weight on your chest? It’s like I can’t breathe, and the pain …” my voice breaks, but I manage to get it out. “The pain is too much. I can’t take it. Sebastian, I can’t …”
I don’t get a chance to finish, since he rushes forward, and then pulls me to his chest. The moment he touches me, I let go. Sobbing uncontrollably, he doesn’t do anything other than hold me tighter, as I cry. Maybe, this is what I needed the entire time, because the more I purge my pain, the lighter my chest suddenly feels.
I knew
I was holding it all in, but fuck, I was worried it would hurt even more to let go of it. I thought I was protecting myself by shutting Sebastian and everyone else out. Turns out, I’ve just been hurting myself even more.
After a long while, my cries slowly die down, but Sebastian still holds me close. He runs a hand down my back, offering all the comfort I could ever want. Pulling away from him, I wipe my eyes, using the palms of my hands.
“I’m sorry,” I confess, once I find my voice.
He lifts my chin with his finger, making me glance up. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“But I do.” He frowns, and I swallow hard, before saying, “I completely shut down after … after losing our baby. I didn’t know how to deal with it, and I honestly still don’t. I never once thought about how much it affected you, because I couldn’t even handle it for myself.” Looking away, I softly say, “I know it’s selfish to say that, but I couldn’t take your pain, too.”
“I didn’t want to think about what happened, so I pushed you away. I said hurtful things, because I blamed myself. That’s why I couldn’t bear to look at you. I thought, since it was my body that failed, it was somehow my fault. Every time I would look at you, it was like all the guilt would come crashing down on me, and I thought I didn’t deserve you.”
Taking a step away from him, I claim, “I still feel that way. Rationally, I know I didn’t physically cause the miscarriage, but that doesn’t stop the guilt and blame from coming anyway.” Pushing out a breath, I add, “It’s easier to not feel anything, so I left. I knew I wasn’t doing anything but causing you more pain, so I thought you’d be better off without me.”
His hard gaze stays on me for a while, as I wait for him to say something. I wonder what he’s thinking about, but then again, I sort of don’t want to know. I’m sure it’s something awful, because his jaw keeps clenching.
But of course, I should know by now, to never assume anything from Sebastian.
“You’ve been punishing yourself this entire time.”
“Yeah, I was. I deserve the punishment, so it seemed right.”
