Abengoni

by Charles R. Saunders

  Marvel?

  Scimitars? Shotel—no picture here, but: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shotel

  Well done—

  I’m about as pale as a white girl gets and I’m not salt white...Ivory?

  The internumbering within chapters is confusing

  How is the wake unpleasant?

  This sounds almost Yiddish

  Thunder’s a response to lightning

  Charles—I’m not sure about this reference. When I first read, it seemed very contemporary for the story. History I’ve found says sandpaper came to being in China in the 13th century. In your world, either country could have created it before the store. It’s your call whether you want to use it or not.

  http://www.abrasivesoasis.com/sandpaper.asp

  Hmmmm....I’m wondering about buttons? What period of history are you considering here? Even up to the 17th century, a lot of shirts were just billowing affairs that came over the person’s head

  Too common with our own world

  Singular?

  I like this MUCH

  If they make this claim as a people, I believe this is appropriate

  Love this line

  Hey—how come we don’t know this god’s name?

  Charles, the sentiment is there, but this really does throw me out of the story. It’s too modern—give me something from this world or I’m going to flash on old gangster films...

  Okay, that’s seriously creepy. I like it!

  Ugh—makes me kind of appreciate kudzu now

  Less modern, but still maybe not fitting?

  Yes!

  I and I—having trouble wrapping my head around the construction

  watch passive language in the middle of a fight.

  HUZZAH! Fist is pumping in the air!

  Transitions here need some smoothing—in a fight scene, I’d just go for direct instead of connecting lanaguege like Then, next, etc—you don’t need it. The power’s there

  Whoa

  Her?

  I’m with Elmore Leonard on adverb lead-ins. You really don’t need them.

  Gentlemen—this construct of internumbering chapters gives me concerns. It’s confusing and contrary in some ways to the usual outlining construct. If you’re going to have chapter sections, may I propose that you identify them with capital letters instead? This would work with outlining conventions better

  I’d say invincible here

  Had is not strictly passive but it acts as such and slows the narrative

  How about a more warrior-like bird? Eagles? Falcons? Give me a raptor of some kind—http://www.africanraptor.co.za/wordpress/

  You refer to them below as The Matile—possessive should be this

  Charles—you need a playlist for this novel. I’m reading it with Ladysmith Black Mambazo in the background. It’s amazing.

  That is amazing – well done!

  I love this description – right here, bleak, beautiful

  Birds of prey, etc as well—You have corbies, crows in Africa. They’re great for imagery and frightening since they take before death

  Charles—this may be a very respectable African name, but it’s slang for motherfucker—just saying

  Excellent—tears here

  I’m Scottish, our term for this is sassenach

  This section’s a bit slow. Tiyana is one of my favorites of the characters in the story and I know you are going to pay this off, but you may want to shorten it somewhat

  Behind his beard? Sheltered by his beard?

  Brilliant hook

  Charles, I have a problem with a “red-shirt” character introduced about ¾ of the way through the book

  Oh creepy—this is going to get very strange very quickly I suspect

  I like these people

  So typical

  YES

  I am wondering with all the dead, etc, why have there not been massive plagues as well? Generally, bodies are burned to prevent cholera, etc

  Good the tension is building up more here

  That’s my girl!

  Just yesterday a friend said every politician has caused more deaths than a soldier.

  Nooooo....It ends here?

  Good—I was going to suggest this. I actually have similar notes that I used to keep up with the story.

  The other thing that would be helpful is a map to go along with the place names.