by S. Tron
"It's not, or better yet, it is, it is always crazy when love is involved, and that man loves you."
We go out to join everyone. I feel dizzy.
“Jude love, Jude?” I feel tears stinging my eyes, Andrew takes me in a big hug, I breathe him in, he smells like lavender, probably used my body wash, I relax, though my hand still wrapped around him tightly, “tell me again” I order him “Jude love what happened?”
“Just tell me, Andrew, what you see.”
“I see you, every little part, I know right now you're terrified, tell me why."
I think about it, breath him in, "it's nothing, my mum and I had a rough talk, it's never easy when someone shows you the truth" is it hard because what she said about me or the fact that Andrew loves me that freaking me out. “Jude, love” he lifts my chin with his fingers, hunching so we’ll be eye to eye, “I'm not letting you go, ever, not you, not Sam, not Matty, and not this crazy family, their great, though I wouldn't mind if your husband parents weren’t here” I laugh. "be nice, they need to say goodbye, then we don't have to see them again ``I winked at him, he smack my ass playfully. “I wish I didn't have to see it” Shak says coming out of the bathroom “Jude, my wife is busy, lets go to the back for a smoke” we go together, “you know kid, when you were born I was 13 years old, all my life I tried to look after you, but you were always keeping the hard stuff in, you are going to get that medal, and Andrew is going to be by your side, I see it in his eyes, he's not going anywhere, and you talk to him, about everything, you never did it before, I'm happy for you, and when you get to Tokyo 2020, we are all going to be there, dad already booked tickets”. I don't have words to express all that I'm feeling; I give my brother a big hug, tears streaming down my face, we finish our cigarettes and come back in, Matty is in Andrews' arms, almost asleep, Sam is also tired, we say our last goodbyes. Mum gives me a big hug, she whispers in my ear “he’s great, I know you’ll be happy” I tell her I love her. My brothers help us put everything in the car, including the dog in the cage. I say my goodbyes; this is the hardest; they are my biggest supporters in life, my rock, my closest friends. They all say they will come to visit us that I'll see them soon. Ryan and Lee already have tickets to come to watch me at the GB Team trails. They all give Andrew a man hug, saying things quietly, the children are sleeping in the car, so they leave them a gift to each from everyone. “The last thing", I say with one foot inside the vehicle, “Ryan” he looks at me, I throw him my keys, Kia Picanto 2017 that has been taking care of in the garage I used to work in. “has a fun brother”. I smile, we’re off. My heart beating so loud probably everyone can hear it. I get a text. It’s Andrew, I look back, but he gazes at Matty, with love, holding her hand.
Best day of my life, so far. A
By the time we land in Heathrow its dawn, Marcus is waiting for us, he rented a big car, the dog is still a bit off, they told me she got the anaesthesia shot when we boarded and was sleeping since, apparently Andrew bought two car seats, and I tie them in the car, then we tie the children in, we put everything in the car, my heart aches, it’s stupid but I miss my family, knowing I’m not going to see them for a while, my father had a rough time leaving us in the airport, we are close, he loves Sam more than anything in the world. Andrew went to shake his hand, and they had a quiet talk, then he was ready to give me my last hug, I said in his ear, thank you for believing in me and taking everyone to Tokyo, he says he always knew I a destined to great things. We get to the house. First, I take the dog out, she is a bit off, but she pees, Andrew made a place for her in the back, he tells me to go there, and he and Marcus will take care of the rest. In the back of the house, I see a new addition to the home, a sunroom, with tones of pots tools, a few holes In the grass waitIng for trees, and a doggy door with a rope, she can go in and out. I tie her, Andrew is now in the sunroom with Matty on his hands, sleeping, he opens the door for me, I see I got everything I need to start a garden as I have back home, “thank you, when did you do it?”
“First go have a look in the house, I'll put the children in bed, Marcus left, he’ll come tomorrow”.
Hearing Andrew say that he’ll put the children in bed makes my heart flutter. I walk to the living room; now it has a few boxes of toys, the walls that once held Andrews achievement now all filled with the photos I took around the world. I hold a hand to my mouth; the house looks more like our house back home. In the kitchen there is a new K-Mix on the counter, I go up the stairs, Andrew is tucking the children, their room, my old room, looks so much like their room back home, again my hand goes to my mouth in shook, even the pictures are the same, the photos with their dad. Also, a giant stuffed Giraffe and a bigger stuffed elephant. That man went above and beyond to make us feel at home; he plugs in my piano in the office. I go to him, almost running, kissing him fiercely, I want him to feel in my kiss how I feel, “take me to our room Andrew” I say breathlessly. We go to our room, we keep both doors open, the children will wake up in the morning confused, “you’ll have to be quite” Andrew says, I nod, we get to our bed, we look in each other's eyes, I'm swimming in chocolate, he swims in the ocean, I take my clothes off, Andrew does the same, our eyes looked, Andrew picks me up and places me in the middle of the bad, we kiss, long, and soft, we are not in a hurry, we are not rough, we’re sweet, caring and connected, Andrew kisses down my neck, licking my nipples, my hands going up and down, I want to touch everywhere, Andrew lifts my ass with one hand, the other in my hair, he slides into me once, indulging the feeling, then comes out, kissing, enjoying our time. We never been that patient in sex, but I like that, the soft kisses, slow rhythm, we indulge one another, I feel my orgasm building, Andrew getting faster, I moan, Andrew kissing me, swallowing my cries, his mouth is on mine, he brings me closer to him, kissing me, I feel his body tightening, I close my eyes, letting the pleasure comes, Andrew lift my head, “eyes love” I open them, we look into each other eyes, the desire pulsing inside us, we come together, I cry out, Andrew kisses me again, swallowing my moans, long after the trembling stops, we kiss, still connected.
34. Andrew
Jude falls asleep. I go to our bathroom, Jude loves me, I can feel it in every kiss, every glance, every time she sees me with the children. I know Jude needs a few more reassurances before she says it. She needs the children to love me too. I look in the mirror; I'm not going to buy them with gifts, or with words, like their mother they need to feel how I feel about them, I love them, they are the most significant things in my world, they are my family.
I go back to bed, covering Jude, "where have you been?" She asks sleepily.
"Went to the bathroom, to think" I feel her tense, "not that kind of thoughts love, the good kind."
She relaxes a bit.
"You're amazing," I tell her.
We fall asleep, tangled in each other.
The next morning we wake up from crying, Jude jumps out of bed, put on a robe and runs to the children bedroom, I'm right behind her. Matty looks confused; we knew it would be like that, we arranged our schedule for the week to be only in our home gym. We have all day with the children, in nap times we will train. Sam wakes up; he also looks confused. "Mummy are we there yet?"
"Yes baby, we're here, let's all go to the bath and after I want to take you for breakfast."
I look at her, also confused, she gives me her mischievous smile. We help them shower; they are both amazed from the bathroom, it's the size of their room back home. I tell Jude to go to the shower while I dress them. She does with a worried look.
"This was your fastest shower ever" I laugh at her, "don't you trust me with them?"
"I do, it is just their first day, and I'm worried".
I can understand that. I tell Jude, she relaxes. I see her fears loud and clear. This week will take us back a bit, but I'm here for the long run, so time is not an issue, I wish she weren't afraid. I go to the shower, coming out I see Sam on our bed, he wears a different shirt then what I helped with before, "Sam, will it be alri
ght if I get dressed?" He shrugged. Ok then. Can I be naked around a child? Jude comes in with Matty; she also wears a different shirt. They all sit on the bed while Jude tells them the plan for the day, I put on my boxer briefs, only then I take off my rope, nobody seems to notice, I wear jeans and t-shirt. Judes wearing jeans t-shirt and a jacket, her t is dark red saying 'im sweating like a hooker in church' great.
"Mummy, why can Andrew wear a t-shirt, but I had to change?"
"Baby it's cold outside, Andrew is used to this weather, we are not."
Oh, I see, that's why she changed their shirts.
We're going to Joann's for breakfast, then the zoo. It is Sunday, after all.
Jude is tense, it's good we are going to Joann's, she'll make it better. Jude holds my hand in a tight grip all the way, Joann stands in the door when we get there, the children hesitate at First, Joann gives Jude a big hug, Matty reaches for my hand, still not sure, Sam goes In for that hug, Joann is lifting him laughing. I pick Matty up, giving Joann big hug, Matty between us giggling. Breakfast is fantastic; sam is chatting about the zoo, he's excited. Matty I noticed has a little dance she does in her chair when she likes the food, at some point I'm left alone with the children, we speak about the animals they got in the zoo, I explain to him how the zoo is different here because it rains a lot. They are both so smart, very sharp; they ask reasonable questions, I figured I need to explain everything to the smallest of details, only then they are happy with the answer. I feel Jude eyes on me, but we're in deep conversation about how big stables for giraffes should be. I feel her hand on my shoulder, rubbing it. Joann comes in with a box of cookies. "Sam I heard this is called 'Sam's amazingly triple chocolate chip cookies', can you taste and tell me if I made them right?"
Sams thinks about it, takes one, breaks it, give half to Matty, she eats and makes her happy dance then Sam taste, "overall good job, I might put more vanilla extract next time" Joann's laughter fills the room. "You're A great kid, so are your little one," she tells Matty. We help clean up, Matty also gives a hand, taking random things from the table, placing them randomly around the kitchen. When Jude is picking the children's items, I help Joann wash dishes. "So," I say,
"So?" She answers.
"I'm not letting her go, nor the children".
"Good boy".
We're on our way to the zoo, Jude is better, though still tense, the children have a wonderful time, all three of them love animals, they have long conversations in each cage. Talking about caged animal behaviour, wild animals compared to a captive, I notice Jude speaks to them in a lot of respect, every question answered, I see it’s not always easy, sometimes she will talk to them in Hebrew, by her tone I guess she is reprimanding them. Wanting to help but not always sure what to do, I ask Jude to tell me. She seems annoyed, I think of everything she told me how her husband used to be another kid she needed to tell him what to do, I take Matty’s hand, I ask Sam to stay close to me, I holed Jude in my arms. “Jude love, it’s new for me, I see you are tired, I want to help you, do you want me to take them to the butterflies dome?” she nods her head, with a glimpse of a smile, good. The actual suggestion is better than asking what to do. "And love, I know by your tone when you're telling them off, you don't need to hide it from me". She nods again.
We go in, Matty eyes grow more significant, she shrieks, doing her happy dance, Sam holds my hand while Matty is running after butterflies, they ask a million questions, answering what I know, and asking the people that work there, we see an aquarium, a lady stands there, explaining the cocoons are inside and one about to hatch, we sit together long, but nothing happens, Matty glowed to the aquarium, Sam seats beside me, his hand in mine. “Andrew,” he asks “Can butterflies die in a car accident?” my heart goes out to the small boy, he is so smart and intelligent it’s easy to forget he is four years old. I see Matty is also watching us, waiting for the answer. “Come here, you two” I put each of them on my knee, hugging them close. “Every animal, every person, has its time" I feel like an idiot. "Death is hard on everyone if a butterfly dies, his mother will be sad, Matty will be sad, and I will be sad because Matty is sad."
Sam thinks about it; I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing, but I'm trying. "So when is it ok to be happy again?"
"You can be happy if you feel happy, it's better for everyone if you are happy."
"I'm happy" he announced.
"Tatty happy" Matty copies.
I feel two warm hands on my shoulders, Jude leans down and kisses me on the cheek. I wasn't aware she went with us inside the doom. I was so busy running after Matty.
The cocoon starts to move Matty shrieks again; Sam joins her, noses stuck to the glass they watch a butterfly emerge. Jude seats beside me, her head on my shoulder "that was beautiful; what you said was beautiful."
"I felt like an idiot."
"It happens sometimes, Sam will let you know if you are" she huffs. "Their happy, that's the only thing important in my life".
"I do not agree." she tense at my statement, "the most important thing in my life is the three of you, happy" I kiss her head. I love you. I want to tell her; I need to wait. On the way home, Matty is sleeping in Jude's arms, Sam in mine. Jude glances at me, I smile at her, I mouth 'amazing'. She laughs.
We put the children in their beds. Jude shows me an app that connects her iPad and phone like a baby monitor. We change clothes and go down to the gym. We exercise in silence, I glance to Jude now and again to make sure she's not letting her fears get her, she looks beautiful, but something inside me isn’t easy. “Jude love, do you want us to go run tonight on the track?” she looks at me. “Who will baby seat?” she looks like she’s about to cry, I go to her, “what's wrong love?” holding her in my arms.
“It’s just too much, everything, I'm too busy, too tired, I’m afraid something will happen to the children, I don't know the people working in the daycare, I don't know who can watch them at night, what if someone will do something to them? I can't trust anyone; I don't know anyone” she lets her fears come out, I am too busy with our relationship. I didn't notice other concerns taking over. “You’re right love, and I don't know anyone either in that department, but we have Angela, and Angela's sister, we can ask them for advice, we can go recheck the daycares, we can heir a full-time nanny. Whatever you want."
She relaxes and breaths, “do you want me to invite Angela over?”
“No, tomorrow we’re going to see the daycare anyway with the children, can you come?”
“There is no other place I want to be”. I kiss Jude softly on the lips, the kiss becomes hungry and passionate in a second, her hands go under my shirt, then we hear a soft voice from her phone, “mummy?” we break the kiss, “stay. Finish your exercise; I'll play with them upstairs”.
I go up, taking Matty out of bed, Sam lays with open eyes, ‘hey you two, want to come downstairs?”
We play for a long time. I cut some fruits, put on music while we play, I left the iPad connected to Jude's phone, she can see us. When she emerged from the gym, she looks tired, “what have you been doing?” I ask her. “Because I was scared and angry I tried to run as you taught me, separate my life from running, it was easy when I did it with Samuel and you, but now my mood is different, so I tried”
‘And?”
“It was ok, it’s harder now, but I’ll get there.”
“I'm proud of you; I like seeing you do things for yourself.”
“I like seeing you on the floor building in bricks with blueberry spots on your shirt.”
I look down, yep, definitely spots “it’s raspberry if you want to know.”
Sam lifted his head “mummy look what we built! It's a zoo. Andrew said he would bring animals and dinosaurs as we have at home” he is so excited. His eyes like Judes when she runs.
“That’s great baby; I want to shower and then make dinner, is that ok for everyone?”
“We can take the dog for a walk while you do everything, or we can order in, and you can re
st”.
Jude smiles a warm, kind, smile; she knows I see her.
We go out for a walk, I hold the dog, Eddy, in one hand, the other pushing Matty on a stroller, Sam's hand is on the stroller, I told him not to let go, I now understand Jude fears, I’m walking with them on a lovely evening, and all I can think is what if Sam runs to the road, what if someone tries to take him, what if the dog runs away. After twenty minutes we’re back home, I let the kids in, making sure Jude has seen them and locked the door, I go to the back, tie Eddy, she stays to roll on the grass, I come from the back door, locking it.
Jude, being Jude, made dinner. We eat. Sam and Matty chat about all we did that day, Jude listens, laughing, answering questions, helping when they get stuck with words, I noticed she asks them questions, she makes them think, Probably why they ask questions, their smart kids, she's an intelligent woman. I’m quite throughout the meal; we let the children play while we clean up, Jude put her hand on my arm, looking for something in my eyes, I kiss her softly on the lips. We go up, a very tired Sam doesn't want to shower, and Jude switch to Hebrew, it’s my turn to place my hand on her back. “Come, Sam, I'll fill you a bath, and you can show me how you shower all by yourself” he agrees. Jude brings Matty in after we put them in bed, she hugs and kisses them, covering them. We are about to exit the room when Matty calls me, Sam seats up, “we didn't get a hug and a kiss from Andrew”. I go inside, giving each a hug and a kiss — a lump in my throat. When I step outside, I see Jude in the doorway, eyes shining, we go downstairs, I make sure everything is locked. I take two glasses, pour some whiskey and go seat beside Jude.
We don’t speak; she lays her head on my shoulder, we seat in quite, after a few moments I feel like I can talk again. “I’ve never been this scared in my life, walking with them in the city, with Eddy, was scary. I felt the fear in my chest, hell my whole body was on high alert” I sip my drink, Jude lifts her head, looking at me “I never had a real family Jude, my parents were shit, I had my brother, but he hates that I tried to take care of him, I have Marcus and Michael, but it’s different.” she puts her hand in mine, turning entirely to see me, I just stare at the empty room. “Today was the first time I felt content, happy, whole. It came with an unimaginable fear of loss; I know how you feel Jude, I can’t ever lose you, all of you.`` I look at her, her eyes filled with tears, I kiss her.
