The Myth Of The Anal Probe

by David Larson

  A man, sitting in what appeared to be a commander’s chair in the middle of the flight deck, swiveled around to face Mike and Bob. He was in his mid thirties, very fit, with short black hair and reading glasses. He was wearing a three-piece suit. Mike stood there with his mouth hanging open, then raised his right hand, palm out and spread his middle and ring fingers apart in a Vulcan salute. Bob reached up and jerked Mike’s hand back down.

  “How’s it hanging there, Gary?” Bob said.

  “Wonderfully, thank you,” Gary replied. “How is our new friend getting along?”

  “Great,” Bob said quickly, “just great. He thought this might be a practical joke.”

  “Funny how you have that effect on people isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, funny,” Bob smiled nervously.

  “Is there anything we can do to make your stay here more comfortable sir?” Gary said to Mike.

  Mike just stood there with his mouth hanging open. Bob nudged him with his elbow.

  “Uh no,” Mike finally said. “No, I’m fine thanks”.

  “Well, we’ll just be shuffling along then,” Bob said as he grabbed Mikes arm and started to move to the back of the flight deck. Gary smiled thinly and turned around.

  “Just one thing” Mike said to Gary’s’ back. Bob squeezed Mike’s arm ‘til it hurt, and Mike jerked free of his grasp.

  “Yes?” Gary said.

  “Shouldn’t Bob here know where we’re going?”

  Bob suddenly found his feet very interesting.

  “Of course,” Gary said. “I can’t think of anyone on this ship that would have missed our pre-underway brief for any reason. Can you Bob”?

  “Ah, who me? No, of course not. Wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

  “Thanks,” said Mike. “Just checking”.

  Once out in the hallway, Bob stopped and turned to face Mike. “I bet you thought that was some real funny shit back there didn’t you?”

  “No, I wanted to see if this was real or not.”

  “And you thought getting my ass in a crack was a good way to do that?”

  “Something like that,” Mike said. “Shall we return to the class room?”

  “Yes, let’s.”

  Once back in his chair, Mike said, “Look, I’m trying to swallow all of this, but even you have to admit it’s a lot to absorb. I have about eight million questions but I have this feeling you’re going to answer the majority of them for me eventually, so I’ll just wait till you’re finished.”

  “Good,” Bob said. “As I said, we were ready to send our first colonization crew to Earth. We load up the ship and off we go. Unfortunately, someplace enroute, the crew developed a virus that we had never seen before, and the majority of them died just as they got to the destination. They had all of this equipment and supplies to drop off but there were only two colonists still living. They were adolescent twins, a brother and sister.”

  The captain knew he needed the entire crew to take the ship back home, but he also knew that the trip would have been a waste if they didn’t drop off the stores and the two colonists that remained.”

  “So, he set up shop, so to speak, and he told these kids that under no circumstances was there to be any hanky panky, because, as we all know, kids that come from blood relatives are never quite right.

  “Off the mother ship goes with every intention of making a quick turn around and getting back in 30 or 40 years with more people. Fast forward 32 years and the next supply ship shows up and what do you suppose we find?”

  Mike shrugged.

  “These two had been banging each other like bunnies. There were little special people running around everyplace. I don’t mean big heads and drooling on yourself or anything. They were just slow. They were very aggressive and would fight with each other over everything. If one of them had something the other one wanted they would try to take it away, or try to find someway to beat the shit out of the owner and steal it.

  “They were worshipping unseen beings, hoping that this entity would fix all their problems for them. And geez-o-petes, were these guys paranoid. They all thought all of the other ones were out to get them. In fact, they were so bad that they were screwing each other over in amazing ways and justifying it by saying they had to do these things in order to insure their own security.”

  “So what did you do?” Mike asked.

  “What could we do? We couldn’t kill them all. And we sure as hell couldn’t leave the colonists that we brought with us. They would never have survived with all those savage little turds running amok. So, we dropped off the supplies we brought and left vowing to return at regular intervals and check on how things were going”.

  “Wait a minute,” Mike said. “Are you saying that Adam and Eve were actually you guys, and they were related, and now we’re all retarded?”

  “Actually, their names were Mike and Gloria. I have no idea were the Adam and Eve thing got started, and if you think about the retarded thing, it all kind of makes sense”.

  “Sense how?”

  “Look, if you buy the ‘creation/Garden of Eden’ thing, then you most certainly buy the first man and woman being related thing, and consequently you know that all of their offspring had to be…well…special.”

  “Then how do you explain all of the major advancement we’ve made? All the things we’ve done to make our life better?”

  “The majority of those things are technology we gave you because we felt sorry for you. For Christ’s sake, it took you guys forever to learn to stop pissing upstream from the village you lived in. And ‘life better,’ are you kidding? We give you the formula for gun powder so site clearing for construction could be easier, and what did you do with it? We explain aerodynamics to the Wright brothers, and within 10 years of leaving the ground for the very first time, you strap guns onto the wings of one of the greatest things to come along in hundreds, if not thousands of years and try to find ways to shoot each other down. And you don’t even want me to get started on the whole nuclear energy thing.

  “Anyway, we came back after a few hundred years…”

  “What took so long?”

  “Frankly, we were embarrassed. As I was saying, we came back and it was amazing. There were all of these separate groups living isolated from each other. They had lost the ability to communicate with each other, mostly because each group was afraid the other one was going to try and take their stuff.

  “They had given up any kind of historical record-keeping long ago. Science, math, philosophy, any kind of social order or learning was gone. All they were worried about was either taking what the other tribe had or keeping the other tribe from taking what they had.

  “They had no idea who we were and we scared the shit out of them. The first guy to teleport down landed in a pile of bear poop by accident. One of the tribal leaders saw this and the next thing you know this entire tribe of people were worshiping bear shit, the ‘bringer of the Sky God.’ You have no idea how many of those poor dumb bastards were mauled to death hanging around a bear’s ass.

  “Things had clearly gotten out of hand. But what really blew us away was when this bunch started trying to kill all of the other, non-bear crap worshiping tribes because, get this, they were ignorant and unclean”.

  “So what did you do”?

  “We did the only thing we could do. We left, deciding that whenever we came back, we would try to be as stealthy as possible and do what we could to help. Unfortunately, the more we did to help the worse things got.”

  “For example,” Mike said.

  “Well, we pretty much let things run their course for several thousand years. We suggested some minor things every now and then, like stone tools, and then the bronze thing. But as far as social life, we just let them run around making each others life miserable.

  “Then Barbara came along. I know she had the best of intensions and all, but wow, what a hornet’s nest she kicked up. She was the captain of one of our deep space research ships that was
suppose to ‘observe’ this place for a while. When she gets here she sees that this one tribe, the Jews, are really getting the royal wiener stuck to them by the Pharaoh. So, she sends her science officer down to make a few suggestions to their leader.”

  “Our transporters have always been real accurate, but way back then they had, well, heat issues. So, they locate this guy Moses and shoot the Science guy, Steve, down to have a little chat with him. Steve beams down right in the middle of this giant bush in front of Moses and the whole thing bursts into flames. Steve rolls out of the fire and yells, ‘holy shit, that was close.’ Apparently, all Moses heard was the ‘holy’ part”.

  “Steve starts to tell Moses that he should think about talking to the Pharaoh and tell him that the slavery thing wasn’t working for him, and that he was going to gather up his people and seek better climes. But the whole time Steve is talking Moses keeps talking back to this burning shrub. Steve keeps saying ‘Hey Moses I’m over here,’ and Moses keeps saying ‘I know Lord I see you’ and Steve keeps telling him to stop talking to the flora then.

  “Anyhow, the rest is twisted history as they say. Moses hits the road and walks into the desert. From what I understand there was a great amount of forehead slapping on the flight deck of the ‘Mary Maru’ when that happened. So, oddly enough, things go to hell in a hand basket out in the desert.

  “First of all, these people have no idea how to survive in an environment like that. Steve beams back down to Moses and tells him that they are going to have to change the way they eat. Stop leavening the bread, stop boiling meat in milk, stop eating pork, that kind of thing. All of this stuff goes bad when you’re in the wilderness. Next thing you know…Kosher. Who’d a thunk it?

  “Then these people revolt. They start wasting valuable resources and time by building religious shrines, they start screwing each other’s wives, daughters, and livestock, and stealing everything that’s not nailed down. Murder has become a national pastime and, no matter how hard he tries, Moses can’t do a thing to stop it. So he gets to the point where he’s had enough and goes off into the mountains to sulk.”

  “Don’t tell me,” Mike said. “The Ten Commandments.”

  “Well that’s what you call them. It was actually much simpler than that. Steve goes back down and tells Moses that he should really think about laying some rules down to these people and Moses says he’s tried that already. So, Steve says ‘Look, write this down. 1. You guys can’t kill each other…yadda, yadda, yadda.”

  “Did you just ‘yadda, yadda’ the Ten Commandments?”

  “Trust me, they weren’t as big a deal as they have turned out to be. So, Moses looks these rules over and tells Steve that these clowns are never going to listen to him. Steve tells him to say that this all comes directly from a source in the sky that is unquestionable”.

  “What about the parting of the seas”?

  “Yeah, well, about that. Barbara sees that the Pharaoh is closing in fast, so they come up with this bright idea to get the ship in low to the water and direct the Hyper Magnetic Drive into the Sea. That drive has a tendency to suck anything that’s not a solid toward it. That created a very shallow area right in front of the Jews, and they were able to cross to the other side.”

  “That’s all great,” Mike said, “but why did you have to kill all the Pharaoh’s men?”

  “Complete accident”. Bob said “In the middle of the operation one of the Pharaoh’s guys sees us out on the horizon and yells ‘Hey, what’s that over there?’ Barbara dumps the drive to move out of sight, and voila, a bunch of dead solders.”

  “So, are you going to tell me that all the bible stories come from you guys”?

  “No, not all of them. A lot of that stuff was just things that happened, and we got blamed for it. Like the whole Job thing. There was no conversation between God and Satan about this guy being holy or anything. Job just had a string of really, really shitty luck”.

  “Look,” Bob said, “haven’t you ever wondered why all of these stories about people having direct conversations with God, and all of these miracles, and what ever, happened so long ago? Right up until that unfortunate incident with Jesus, and then nothing.”

  “Are you saying that Jesus was one of you guys”?

  “Hell no brother! That mess was all you people. That guy was just trying to make life better for all of you and look what he got for it. For three hundred years he was appreciated as a great man, not unlike Gandhi.

  “Then this nut Constantine, who was a sun worshiper and pagan by the way, thinks Jesus comes to him in a vision and tells him how to kill hundreds of his enemies on the field of battle. Sounds like something Jesus would do doesn’t it. Then, when he’s victorious, he goes back to Rome and declares ‘Hey guys, Jesus is cool’. Unfortunately, the majority of Rome is Pagan at the time so he has a tough time selling that idea. So being the bright boy he was, he throws together a blue-ribbon committee called the council of Nicaea and they decide how to make Jesus more palatable to the masses.

  “First he has to be has to be born of a divine being and a mortal that is a virgin. What’s up with you people and virgins by the way? If you check the stories, all Jesus-like characters in mythology came from the same humble beginnings. Next, they had to incorporate the holidays. Jesus’ birthday would coincide with the winter solstice his death with the spring festivities and so on.

  “And finally, since Constantine had no intention of giving up his pagan ways, the Sabbath would be held during his original Sun God’s day…Sunday. Think about it, Jesus was a Jew, and a rabbi. So wouldn’t his followers, Christians, observe the same days Jesus did? Like the Sabbath on Saturday, Hanukah, and all that other stuff”.

  “Yeah, I guess so,” Mike said. “I never really put much thought into it.”

  “Of course not,” Bob went on. “Thinking rocks your boat, and you people HATE having your boat rocked. But, I digress.

  “It seemed like everything we touched turned to shit. We realized that the Earth was going to be involved in a significant metrological event. So one of our guys stops by to tell Noah he might want to build a boat and let everybody else know what’s coming. Well as you know, everybody else gives him the finger, he loads up everything he can into his eager little craft and off they float.

  “Job well done, lots of back slapping on the flight deck of the ‘Divine Intervention’, then what do they see? Two months after the water recedes, that jackass Noah is still sitting in his boat waiting for God to tell him he can disembark. TWO MONTHS! They almost died in there because we never thought to tell them to get out and find something to eat”!

  “Boy,” Mike said. “When you put it like that I guess we are special”.

  “I know its tough buddy” Bob said quietly “but them was the cards you was dealt.”

  “So then what am I doing here?”

  “Glad you asked,” Bob said. “We stop by occasionally to see how things are going and we take random samples. For example...you.”

  “Thanks,” Mike said, not looking up from the floor.

  “You’re welcome. We don’t give out technology anymore. Think of it as an electric fence around the live stock. We don’t want you out roaming around the galaxy raising hell and knocking things over.”

  “We already have space travel,” Mike said.

  “Actually, all you’ve done is go to your moon a few times and drop off some litter. The rest of that knowledge and technology you use to spy on each other and blow things up. We aren’t real worried about a bunch of wild-eyed Earthlings busting through a worm hole screaming ‘yee haw’ with guns a-blazin’ anytime soon. You’re far too preoccupied with screwing up each others lives.”

  “Good point.”

  “I have my moments.”

  “So what now?”

  “We put you back where ever you want to go.”

  “Just like that?”

  “Yep.”

  “Then what was the point to all of this? Was it just some kind of
a personal ass chewing?”

  “Not at all. We know you’re evolving constantly. We find someone like you, give you all the knowledge of how things really are. Then we see what you do with it.”

  “And what is usually done with it?”

  “I think you already know that. Some people run around yelling about having things stuck up their ass. Some people decide no one will listen and keep the whole thing to themselves. But, you also have the Mother Teresa and Gandhi types on one hand, and the Hitler, Pol Pot, and Idi Amin types on the other.”

  “You mean they…?” Mike asked.

  “Yep,” Bob said. “Now you just tell us were you’d like to get dropped off and the rest is up to you.”

  “I think that I may have a better idea,” Mike said thoughtfully.

  Two:

  Absolutely no one on the flight deck of the Douglas Adams was happy. Crew members sat impassively boring holes in control consoles with their eyes. Their faces were fixed with unmoving stares that would have been better served on the faces of post-apocalyptic holocaust survivors on Day One of the end of every single creature comfort they had ever known.

  Gary sat slumped in the commander’s chair. His erect posture was gone, reading glasses dangling from a left hand that was woefully weighing down the attached arm as it lay depressingly draped over the lushly padded arm rest. He was deeply kneading the bridge of his nose between tightly clenched eyes.

  Bob stood facing him. Hands shoved so far into the front pockets of his well-worn jeans that they seemed to be pulling his waist forward at an odd angle. His legs were spread comfortably apart, and he stared at Gary with that infinite air of patience that usually made people want to smash him right in his sanctimonious face.