The Myth Of The Anal Probe

by David Larson

  “Yeah,” Mike said, “I bet it has.”

  “Yeah,” Bob said as he scratched his head as though he were searching for an answer to a question that had yet to be asked. “Anyway, you being here at the focal point of the workings of our little slice of universal paradise has its benefits.”

  “Tomorrow,” Bob went on “you’re going to interviewed by the planetary facilitator of the news channel.”

  Mike had been on the planet long enough to know that there were basically three television stations. None of them were 24/7, like there had been at home. For all practical purposes they ran for a few hours in the evening and that was about it. One channel was all about DIY tips, horticulture, and cooking. Another channel basically belonged to Serilda, and it let people know what work or specialties were needed where. Part of that broadcast was handed off to local stations for more focused needs.

  The third channel was news. Not like news on earth. There was no undercurrent of agenda, or right out directly slapping you in the face with a giant agenda whiffle ball bat. There was no screen split into two or four or six segments, each containing a head that was screaming incoherently at all the other head boxes. There was no Jim Cantore praying for the entire east coast to be blown away in a career building hurricane. No bluster, no false indignation or put up outrage. There was simply news of important things that were happing around the world. The clear intent of these stories was to inform the public so that they could take any given situation into their own hands and react intelligently to situations that needed to be handled.

  “Sounds like a good time,” Mike said.

  “Yep,” Bob said, “should be. I think you’re going to be interviewed by the principle facilitator. Right now they think that it may be several discussions over several days. They have a lot of questions and it seems you have a lot of answers.”

  “I’m ready for anything they want,” Mike said.

  “Tell me buddy,” Bob said as he put his arm around Mike’s shoulder, “how’s it hanging for you out here?”

  “In relation to what?” Mike asked.

  “Everything I guess,” Bob said. “You’ve been taking in quite a lot here. And I guess when it comes right down to it there’s been quite a lot expected of you. It could kind of twist a guy up in side. I guess the fact that you absorb all of this relatively easily kind of worries me just a little.”

  “I’m great,” Mike said, “really great. In fact, I’ve never felt better.”

  “Kind of what I’m just a tiny bit concerned with here,” Bob said. “Don’t lose sight of the goal line here, brother. The end game will always be that you go back home and try to fix whatever you can there.”

  “Absolutely,” Mike said flashing a big grin.

  ‘Maybe too big,’ Bob thought.

  “I know where this is going, Bob,” Mike said in a reassuring tone. “This is really a great help to me. When I get back to Earth, I’ll have quite a lot of material to use.”

  “Back to Earth…not home,” Bob thought. He stepped back, patted Mike on the arm and said, “Good to know brother…good to know. See you in the morning.”

  Ten:

  Bob and Mike got out of the capsule car in front of the same building where Mike first met Serilda, and walked through the glass doors into the foyer.

  “Does everyone work in this one building?” Mike asked.

  “Do you?” Bob answered the question with a question.

  Mike just shot back a disapproving look.

  “There ya go then,” Bob said.

  Mike was still getting used to the idea that he could walk into one of the most important buildings on the entire planet and not have to be ready to get frisked, scanned, and x-rayed…you know, to preserve freedom. He was pretty comfortable with the complete lack of pomp and splendor that any other official place would have in any country on Earth. But the lack of security of any kind whatsoever still made him think in his deepest of lizard brains that these people were way too vulnerable.

  But the other side of his brain asked the intellectual question, “vulnerable to what?” That was the real question here, wasn’t it? If no one would ever considered taking advantage of a weakness of any kind, be it personal or public, then why fortify yourself? He knew it was true here. Just as true as a $20 bill left on a public counter on Earth would last about 5 seconds before it became the property of someone else.

  Bob led Mike through an office door that looked similar to the one Serilda occupied. Behind the desk was one of the most strikingly beautiful women he had ever seen. Instantly he remembered Bob had greeted her in passing the day they had walked to Serilda’ office.

  “Mike, Tawny,” Bob said to the woman in way of introduction. “Tawny, Mike.”

  Mike was mesmerized and began to unconsciously extend his hand in greeting. He realized his mistake mid gesture and simply brushed the side of his hair back.

  “It’s a real pleasure to meet you,” Mike said awkwardly.

  “The pleasure is mine, Mike,” She said smiling.

  Tawny was someplace comfortably between 30 and 40. Mike had no idea how to judge age here. People seem to be so very well preserved. Her body would have served very well on Earth in the WNBA since Mike judged her at around 5’ 10 or so, slender and neatly dressed. But the most striking feature was her eyes. They were the deepest green Mike had ever seen, possibly made even deeper because of the light mocha colored skin that surrounded them. Her hair was just like everything else on this planet, familiar and yet not. In this case, blonde…but not really. It bordered between a blonde and brown and changed color depending on how the light struck it. Cut business like short, it framed her face perfectly.

  “I’m sure that Bob here filled you in on what we have planned,” she said to Mike as they all three sat down. Mike had started to become self-conscious since he had become so comfortable with just sitting in his home knowing a chair would be where ever he sat. That had led to an incident in public where he had simply flopped on the floor. No one laughed, and everyone had rushed to help him up and ask if he was hurt in any way.

  “He did,” Mike said “but after a fashion that’s truly Bob. So, I really don’t know much.”

  Tawny looked over at Bob and raised an eyebrow. Bob just sat back crossed his legs and grinned.

  “We have a lot of people asking a lot of questions,” Tawny said as she relaxed in her chair a little. “People that have never been on a deep space probe seem to be fascinated by one of the actual people that they have heard so much about being right here amongst them. People that have actually been on deep space probes to Earth are more…skeptical, for the lack of a better word.”

  Mike was just staring at her face and not responding to anything she was saying. Eventually he realized he was being more than a little rude and snapped back into reality.

  “I’m really sorry,” He said uncomfortably. “It’s just that, well, your lips…”

  “Yes?” Tawny said.

  “Well, they seem to be, uh, coordinated with what you’re saying.”

  “I know,” Bob said. “Creepy, right?”

  “Ah…no. Far from creepy actually,” Mike said as he blushed a little.

  “I’m sorry,” Tawny said in realization. “I actually speak English.”

  “With an Australian accent?” Mike said.

  “Yes,” she said, “I guess it is. I speak several different Earth languages. Most of it I picked up on Earth probes from watching movies. All I could get when I learned English was Chopper, and The legend of Ben Hall. Not terrific examples, I know but I filled in the blanks.”

  “Very well I might add,” Mike said.

  “Thank you.

  “What we would like to do here,” Tawny continued “is inform the masses of just who you are, and how your mind works. I’m afraid most of what goes on around Earth is completely out of the realm of comprehension here. It might help to hear it right from the source.

  “You see, everyone understands how Earth bec
ame the problem it is today, and what our part in that was. Most people just have a hard time wrapping their heads around the fact that although you are direct descendants of this civilization you can be so completely different than we are. They think there should be some type of shared attributes.”

  “I would say there are,” Mike said.

  “Oh,” Tawny said, “there most certainly are. Your people just seem to find ways to circumvent all of the things that we hold as concrete tenets here. War, murder, and theft are right at the very top of that list. Prisons are running a close second.”

  Mike looked down at the floor trying to deflect some of his shame into his shoes.

  “I’m sorry Mike,” Tawny said, “I’ve made you uncomfortable.”

  “No, it’s not that,” Mike said as he looked back into those captivating eyes. “I just feel like the punchline to a sad joke at times. When all of our human frailties are held up to your face and you can’t explain them away as something that is unchangeable, it’s just a little heavy is all.”

  “I’m sure it is. If it’s ok with you I’d like to get started first thing tomorrow.” She looked at Bob for approval.

  “That’s fine with me,” Bob said. “In fact, why doesn’t Mike just come on over here by his lonesome. He’s pretty good at getting around and you won’t have to worry about me interjecting ‘color’ from off camera at inappropriate times.”

  “Is that ok with you Mike?” Tawny asked.

  “Sure,” Mike said. “that would be great. It’s a date then.”

  Tawny smiled.

  He blushed some more.

  Eleven:

  Mike sat in a comfortable chair, in a room that was modestly decorated. Tawny sat across from him in an identical chair with a clipboard on her lap.

  “When do we go to the studio?” Mike asked her.

  “We’re already in it,” Tawny said.

  “Are they going to bring all the equipment in later?” Mike asked.

  “No, it’s already here. The camera is on that shelf across the room, and the microphones are built into the ceiling. We “tape” the interview, then I edit it, and the final gets put into a queue for airing based on its immediate importance to the community.”

  “You edit your own program too?”

  “Of course. We don’t have any killer graphics, or bass slamming lead-in music to grab people’s attention and push an agenda. We just have a story to report and we report the facts. That’s what people really want. Here we don’t want to be told what we already thought to make us feel more comfortable or verify our preconceived notions. It really cuts down on production costs and man power. It frees people up to do work that is actually beneficial to the people at large.

  “Just relax,” Tawny continued, “and we’ll get started whenever you feel comfortable.”

  “How could I ever feel not comfortable around her?” Mike thought.

  The first time he met Tawny he was instantly attracted to her physical beauty. It seemed as though she was flawless, but flawless in an earthy, real way. She was the kind of woman that could be dressed in a cocktail gown for a night out, or as a hobo for a Halloween party and she would be equally beautiful on either occasion.

  But the biggest attraction was her lips. He had been naturally drawn to them first because they were synced up with what she was saying. She was the first person he had talked to since he started this adventure that wasn’t like watching a Sergio Leone movie.

  After the initial shock he felt with actually having a normal in-sync conversation, he found that it was almost impossible to look at anything other than those lips. Of course, they were perfect. Just like everything else on Tawny. The rich fullness drew him in like soft pink clouds drifting through the evening sky as the sun gave up to twilight. Their movement as they formed words, and single syllables of words was like watching ballet in slow motion. The muscles would tense and relax, sometime accentuating creases and sometime hiding them.

  The light, soft folds at the corners of her mouth were the same work of perfection. Meeting in symmetrical unity and a gentle, almost imperceptible curve that rounded out to the flesh tones of her perfect cheeks.

  Mike found himself constantly lost in those lips. Wondering, of course, what it would be like to actually touch them with his own. Wondering what they might taste like. Nearly certain that they would taste like the scent of frangipani blossoms drifting on a soft Hawaiian breeze. He wondered if the touch of those perfect lips to his own would be paralyzing in their perfection. If he would touch them and be unable to move or speak. If he would be struck down with a lightning bolt of ecstasy that he would almost certainly be unable…or unwilling to control.

  Tawny was just looking at him with a patient smile.

  “Oh,” Mike said shaking himself back into reality “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

  “Do you think you’re about ready to begin?” She asked.

  “Oh…yeah,” He stumbled with his words. “Sure…let’s do this.”

  “Let’s do this indeed,” She said. The smallest curve of a smile tightened up at the corners of her mouth. She winked one perfectly beautiful deep green jeweled eye at him.

  He nearly passed out….

  Again.

  “OK,” Tawny said, “I’ll tape an introduction piece later to splice into the beginning. Right now we’ll just start with the question and answer section.”

  “Sounds good,” Mike said.

  “Thank you for agreeing to be a part of this project,” Tawny said as she started the interview.

  “My pleasure,” Mike said.

  “First,” Tawny said, “I think it’s safe to say that people here don’t fully understand the concept of Earth and the division of people. Could you explain that for us?”

  “Certainly,” Mike said “There are seven continents on Earth that are naturally separated by water. Does that translate here?”

  “Of course,” Tawny answered “but people want to know about the unnatural or self-induced boundaries.”

  “I guess to start from the beginning,” Mike said “there are almost 200 separate countries on earth.”

  “And could you explain countries,” Tawny said “and how they are differentiated.”

  “Countries,” Mike said “or sovereign nations, are separated by boundaries. Sometimes these boundaries are simply a line on a map and sometimes they’re geographical, like lakes rivers or streams. Each country has its own language. Although some countries share a language. Such as Spanish and English.”

  “Are people free to move about between these boundaries?” Tawny asked.

  “I guess free is a broad concept,” Mike answered. “People can move between boundaries with the proper paper work. It’s easier to move between some, and more difficult to move between others.”

  “For example, if two countries are at war, or if two countries have issues with each other. Then it could be more difficult or even impossible to cross between borders.”

  We’ll get back to the war part,” Tawny said as she looked down at the clipboard. “Aren’t some of the boundaries actually manmade obstacles?”

  “Yes, they are,” Mike said with a tinge of shame in his voice. “There’s a wall between my country and Mexico, for example. Also, there was a physical boundary around Russia. And there’s kind of a physical boundary between North and South Korea.”

  “And what are the purposes of these physical boundaries?”

  “Some are to keep people out, for example, the boundary that is between Mexico and the United States. Some are to both keep people out as well as keep people in, such as the boundaries around Russia. And in some cases, the boundary is erected to separate people that don’t trust each other or are actively at war. Such as in the case of North and South Korea.”

  “Let’s go back to the war part of this,” Tawny said.

  “Oh shit,” Mike thought “Let’s not.”

  “OK,” he said instead.

  “Could you please try to
explain the concept of War on your planet,” Tawny said.

  “Um, I’ll try.” Mike bit his lower lip. The explanation of war on Earth was always pretty simple. It was either this person or country did this or that thing to us and now we have to retaliate to either preserve our way of life, or just to make sure the score is always even.

  “Wars,” Mike started “are fought over many, many things on our planet. They’re fought for control over another country or people, or over power, or religion, or simply because one group of people really hates the other.”

  “And when you say fought, how exactly do you mean that?”

  “Ummm,” Mike searched for the words. He realized he was looking for words that would make the insanity of the human concept of war seem less animalistic. Then he realized that it wasn’t going to be possible. Might as well go with just the facts ma’am. “Let’s say that one country has done something heinous to another country, or let’s say one country has something that another country wants…”

  “I’m sorry to interrupt,” Tawny said “But what could one of these countries want that it felt it needed to take from the other one?”

  “Maybe a resource,” Mike said, “like oil. That’s usually a hot commodity.”

  “I should explain here,” Tawny cut in again, “oil is a liquid that’s a residual given off by decaying animals and vegetation. This substance has been under ground for millions of years. Now humans pump this substance out of the ground and burn it to produce energy.”

  “That’s correct,” Mike said. “Quite a number of wars have been fought, and I’ll get back to that in a minute, over oil. No one ever admits they’re fighting over oil at the time…but that really is the driving force.”

  “But to get back to the question you asked about why countries go to war. Sometimes it’s simply for the control of the land and people in that region.”

  “Are you saying that large groups of people actually kill each other to be able to control other people and areas of land.”