The Myth Of The Anal Probe

by David Larson

  “Some people are evil, so everyone suffers,” she said. “Is that about right?”

  “I’m afraid it is,” Mike said.

  “Do all societies on the planet work this way?” She asked.

  “No,” Mike said, “there are socialist societies, and communists, dictatorships, and other forms. I would guess that socialism is the closest to what you have here.”

  “I assume that doesn’t work because of the problem you mentioned with people cheating the system. So that’s not very popular,” she said.

  “Yes,” Mike answered. “But there’s more to it than that. Let’s say that Serilda was a horrible facilitator. She’s not, but let’s assume she is. A lot of people are hurt because of her self-serving practices. On Earth if a form of government is corrupt like that, no matter if it’s a good idea or not, then the people that stand to lose the most from that form of government will constantly bombard the public with fearmongering tactic that show what a horrible system it was, and not what a horrible person Serilda was. They would push a form of government that was best for them and remind everyone how they suffered under the last system.”

  “Communism is like that,” Mike went on. “Communism is a pretty good idea on paper. Everyone works for the common good and everyone shares in the good times as well as the bad. Unfortunately, the communist system was run by corrupt people that weren’t willing to actually make everything equal. They still expected the top tiers of government to receive more than the people. In the end people in other countries that would have less under this system convinced the masses that life would be horrible under that system by pointing out what the corrupt rulers did to hurt their own people.

  “You see,” Said Mike “it wasn’t the system, it was the people that ran the system that were bad. But people are pretty easily swayed, and more importantly, are extremely easily scared. And a scared public will do some of the most amazing things that are definitely not in their own best interest, in order to have the idea of security.”

  “How do you mean that last part?” Tawny asked.

  “We had a situation in my country that happened almost 20 years ago,” Mike said “everything on the planet changed after that because people were scared.”

  “How did one thing change all of that?”

  “It’s extremely complicated and will take some time to explain,” Mike said.

  “Take all of the time you need,” Tawny encouraged him.

  “As a point of history,” he started “my country was involved in a war when I was a teenager. It was a horrible war, as they all are, and it stemmed from decisions that were made following wars that had come before it. As they all do, no war happens in a vacuum. During this war the people of my country grew tired of the death, and the government that kept perpetuating that destruction for unclear reasons. After a few years of this the public started to direct quite a lot of anger at the common solders that were forced to fight it in the first place. These men and women were spit on, and called baby killers, and worse.”

  “Didn’t these people go to fight willingly?” She asked.

  “Some did,” Mike said sadly, “but quite a few others were forced to go against their will through something called a draft. They were notified by the government that they would be inducted into the military and be sent to fight the war.”

  “That had to be horrible,” she said.

  “You have no idea,” Mike said. “Anyway, the next major war to come along happened around 20 years later. People still remembered the abuse that the solders took during the last war, and there was a ground swell of emotion to make sure that the solders that fought this new war weren’t treated the same way. That war only lasted about four days. But the patriotic fervor that the American people had whipped up for the military continued to grow.

  “A lot of people were killed, displaced, and had their lives destroyed in that short war and they felt as though it was actually an extension of the crusades from 1000 years before.”

  “Why would they think that?”

  “Because the majority of the people attacking the country were Christians and the majority of the people being attacked were Muslims…just like before. Many of these people developed a deep-seated hatred for Christians and vowed vengeance. So a group of them plotted a scheme to steal airliners full of people and fly those airplanes into huge buildings in one of the most populated areas in my country.”

  Tawny was wide eyed. “Were they successful?”

  “I’m afraid they were,” Mike said “thousands of people were killed. Instantly my country began to plan vengeance, but it was hard to decide who was to pay for what had been done. The people that stole they aircraft died in the crashes, and no one knew who the people were that planned the attack. In the past, wars were easy.”

  Tawny raised her eye brows.

  “I mean that one country had wronged another country in some way, so to get even you waged war with that country. In this case the attack had been made by an ideal. The group that took credit for it was a radical Muslim group. People weren’t comfortable with waging war on a religion. So we did the only thing that we historically knew to do.”

  “What was that?”

  “We attacked a country,” Mike said. “Well, two countries actually, that we felt had ties to the group that had attacked us. People didn’t care what the consequences of that action might bring. And human beings are noted for not learning from history. Several things happened next. We started to hold our military up to almost a God-like status to make up for shitting all over them in the other war. If you were a veteran you could do no wrong. All you had to do was wear your uniform or let people find out you were in the military and people were falling all over themselves to tell you how great you were.

  “The other thing we did was to give away the majority of our personal freedoms. It became almost impossible to get on an airplane. People waiting to travel by air were frisked and inspected and made to walk through metal and explosive detectors. We made a special section of the government called the Transportation Safety Administration that ran these check points. They would walk up and down the lines of people waiting to get patted down to get on an airplane, and if they heard someone joking about explosives in their underwear, or if passengers got upset about waiting in line for hours then getting touched by a grabby government official they were taken out of line and arrested.

  “People serving passengers on airlines became just as feared as the TSA. They could have you removed from a flight for not moving your seat. Or for moving to a different seat that they had not assigned to you.

  “Of course, everyone that lived in this country that belonged to the religious sect that had perpetuated the attack came under instant scrutiny. They were attacked in public by scared citizens just for being a Muslim. People attacked and defaced places were Muslims gathered. And of course, hundreds of millions of dollars were spent to ensure that no one could get across the border to harm us. We were like a bunch of old ladies that had been robbed. We locked ourselves in the house and peered out through the curtains in frightened suspicion at every single person that walked down our street. And we absolutely shit our pants if someone actually knocked on our door.

  “Of course, politicians thrived on this fear and screamed that they were the only ones that could protect us from the nonexistent massive onslaught that was beating down our doors to hurt us. The really sad part is, for the most part, we bought it. We put a bunch of dirt bags in place to rule us and enact a bunch of self-serving laws that exploited the public and their fears. We closed off our borders to anyone that we were told was going to hurt us, no matter if there was any proof of that or not. We began to arm ourselves in record numbers with guns.

  “Of course, we paid the price for that. And in fact, we still are. People have become deranged with fear. There is a group that preaches the only way to ensure that the public is protected is to ensure that everyone has a gun. Mass killings have become common place, and some o
f the worst ones have happened to our children in our schools.”

  “Certainly, that has forced the general public to realize the error in their ways?” Tawny said hopefully.”

  “Tawny,” Mike said slowly, “a person with a rifle walked into a school and murdered 20 six-year-old children in their classroom…”

  A tear rolled down Mikes face. Tawny sat in stunned silence.

  “So that was what changed things?” She finally said.

  “No, it didn’t. Not one single thing changed. People simply called for more guns. And good people sat silently by and did nothing. Then 500 people were wounded in public by a lone shooter, and 50 were killed. Still nothing was done. I…mean…nothing.

  “Now people that want more guns actually believe that these killings never happened. That the people involved, the people that were murdered as they went about their day living their lives, were simply actors that were hired by the government to horrify people enough to take their guns away.”

  “I don’t understand?” Tawny said quietly.

  “Neither do I,” Mike said “neither do I.”

  Twelve:

  Mike and Bob were sitting on a picnic bench facing each other in the large open-air dinning facility. I like it by Cardi B was playing in the background.

  “I have to say buddy,” Bob said “I’ll give the tune a 10 but I must be missing something in the translation on the lyrics.”

  “You probably aren’t,” Mike said. “Are you hearing about having lots of sex, cursing, racial slurs, and bitches, in two languages?”

  “Pretty much,” Bob said.

  “Then you’re hearing it right.”

  “As much time as I’ve spent on the animal farm I have to say I don’t get youse guys,” Bob said.

  Another man that Mike had seen around the “village” came over and patted Bob on the back.

  “Room for some company?” The man asked.

  “Hey Briz,” Bob said, “grab a seat. Have you met the earthling yet?”

  “No, I have not,” the man said smiling at Mike, “but I’ve certainly seen his interview on the box. Quite the shakeup I’d say.”

  “Mike, this is Brizio,” Bob said as the man sat down next to Bob. “Brizio, this is Wildman Mike.”

  Bob leaned over toward Brizio and said conspiratorially, “He ain’t from around these parts.”

  “Hi Mike. Nice tunes by the way,” Brizio said as he pointed to the ceiling.

  “Thanks,” Mike said “nice to meet you.”

  Bob and Tawny had decided that Mike needed a distraction after the interview. Mike had been pretty broody since then, and for good reason. It’s hard to lay bare all human frailties in front of people that truly don’t understand Earth’s animalistic nature. Bob thought it would be a good idea to give Mike control over the entertainment after dinner.

  “Brizio,” Mike said, “that sounds a lot like Earthly Italian.”

  “From what I understand,” Brizio said, “it is.”

  “There are quite a few things here that remind me of Italy,” Mike said. “Even your language sounds like a cross between that and something else that I can’t quite put my finger on.”

  “Hawaiian,” Bob said.

  “Yeah,” Mike said as he turned off his translator, “Hawaiian. That’s an odd combo. I thought that’s what it was when I got here, but that was too wild of a connect.”

  “We tend to adapt pretty quick here,” Brizio said. “Our original language is closer to pure Hawaiian, or Samoan than what we currently speak. But that kind of makes historical sense, doesn’t it.”

  “How?” Mike asked.

  “If you were going to populate your planet,” Bob asked him “where would the most beautiful place on Earth be, that was also secluded enough to start the colonization without too much outside interference?”

  “I guess I’d have to say in the South Pacific islands,” Mike said.

  “Bingo dude. So, before you rupture your brain testicles any trying to do the relatively easy math; Mike and Gloria, your Adam and Eve, were Hawaiian.”

  “I’ll be damned,” Mike said.

  “Probably,” Bob said, “especially after what we all heard on your interview.”

  Mike just glared at Bob.

  “Wait a minute,” Mike said. “How could you have started this whole mess in Hawaii? Humans have been on the Earth longer than the Hawaiian Islands have existed.”

  “First,” Bob said “all of that is as far as you know. Second, are you sure you’re talking about humans. The question you should be asking here is, why have you never found the missing link?”

  Bob just raised his eyebrows.

  “Because there ain’t one,” he finally said.

  Brizio just smiled and shrugged.

  “Explain the Italian part then,” Mike said.

  “That’s pretty easy as well,” Brizio said. “We spent quite a lot of time with the Romans back when they were in vogue. Of course, they spoke mostly Latin. But, we stuck with them through the fall of their empire because we thought they could make a pretty awesome comeback. Then there was that whole thing with Constantine, and the ‘vision’,” Brizio made ‘air quotes,’ “and they became the ‘Holy’ Roman Empire, and things kind of went downhill from there. But the language that was beginning to form was pretty captivating.”

  “Yeah,” Bob said. “Captivating.”

  “So we started to assimilate it into our speech patterns,” Brizio went on “and it kind of just evolved into what you hear now.”

  The music went silent.

  “Hey, Maestro,” Bob said as he pointed to the ceiling. Best Friend by Sofi Tukker started to roll through the air.

  “Thanks,” Brizio said.

  “So it looked like you were pretty upset on the interview,” Brizio said.

  “Yeah,” Mike said, “I guess I was. It’s just pretty hard to learn that there is actually a species out there that is pretty much devoid of our human failings. Then to have to explain all of the bullshit, that we have spent lifetimes convincing ourselves is out of our power to control, is really depressing.”

  “I honestly don’t understand how you people can function from one day to the next,” Brizio said. “I would be looking over my shoulder every single minute of every day.”

  “Being here,” Mike said, “removed from all of the unnecessary issues on Earth makes me realize that in fact I did spend my entire life looking over my shoulder. Trust in one of the biggest intangible assets on Earth. I don’t think people every really trust another person. I mean, lots of people say they do, and I guess they really believe they do. But as soon as someone starts acting suspicious people get on edge. If they really did trust that person they would simply ask what was up and accept that answer. The fact that they’ll question it says everything you need to know about trust.”

  “I guess it does,” said Bob. “Do you think that anything you take back with you will even start to scratch the surface of change?”

  Mike felt a twinge of guilt right in the center of his forehead. He knew that everything he was doing right now was the basest form of human shenanigans. He was trying to keep these people at bay with bullshit about going back home until he could figure out a way to convince them he should stay. It wasn’t hurting anyone else of course. But at the core of it, wasn’t this exactly what he was trying to run away from, just as fast as he could.

  “I really think I can,” Mike lied. But he didn’t just lie. No, he lied really, really well. He lied good enough that he was sure his two table mates bought the bullshit he was putting out. And after all, why wouldn’t they. Deception was completely new to them.

  Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones started to play.

  “Shit,” Mike thought. “I have to be more careful about what I think here.”

  And there it was again. Human deceit. Mike was slammed into full-on Red Bull energy denial. He kept telling himself that it was just for now. That he would control his human disease after he got
what he wanted. If he played his hand now they’d drop kick his butt right onto the next deep space probe for a one-way trip to earth. That’s it, game over, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and the fat lady sings for the masses.

  Mike was looking down at the table concentrating. Suddenly his head snapped up and a broad grin spread across his face.

  Slowly, overhead, the pinging of a banjo could be heard. As it grew it sounded almost like a train was slowly starting to roll out of the station. The banjo kept on restlessly pinging out the same mechanical rhythm. Then a long easy draw across the strings of a smoky mountain fiddle slid into the background. The sweet harmony of the two together settled into the soul of the room. Everybody seemed to stop what they were doing and listened to the slow, painfully beautiful blend of the two instruments.

  Then a guitar joined in. The beat was bouncy and playful. Bob looked up at Mike, then at Brizio and smiled. The fiddle drug in the other direction then back again, like it was stepping down…no, that wasn’t it. The notes were stepping down the scale, but the music was stepping up. It was building. And it just kept building until the room was about to burst.

  “Oh man,” Bob said.

  Mike smiled bigger.

  “Slap my momma and call her butch!” Bob yelled as he jumped off the bench and grabbed Brizio.

  The fiddle slammed into the fast roll of The Orange Blossom Special. Bob and Brizio spun around the open floor. A woman slid by and jerked Mike off the bench, twirled him around once and they were off, dancing to the sound of the runaway fiddle. Everyone was up and moving as one entity, intermingled and swirling joyfully around the room.

  The music stopped and everyone fell onto the benches lining the open-air dining hall. Mike flopped down next to the woman he had been dancing with and they both laughed. Again, life was beautiful and the air was a sweet delicacy that Mike sucked deeply into his lungs. Life was good, he’d live forever, and he’d never have to go back to earth.