The Bosun: A Military Romance (Love is Blind Book 3)

by Harlow Layne

  I already knew I didn’t want him to leave, but I couldn’t ask Remy to leave his dad behind. I knew how important his dad was to him.

  Snuggling closer into his body, I asked. “What do you want to do once you leave California?”

  “I want to be a full-time firefighter, but first, I have to take and pass my test. I’m not worried about that part of it, though. What I don’t know is where I want to work.”

  “Do you get to put in a request for which station you want to work at?” I really had no idea how becoming a firefighter worked, but I guess I always thought he’d work at the station he’d trained at.

  “Nothing like that. I guess I should have been clearer when I spoke. I don’t know if I want to be a firefighter in Florida or in California. I like the guys here, and the station house has an energy about it that speaks to me.” His hand moved to start tracing circles on my lower back as he spoke. “While I’ve known for some time that being a fireman was what I wanted to do, the station I trained at in Florida never felt like home. Not that I don’t like the guys there, but I guess I never felt like I fit in, but I’ve felt the exact opposite since the moment I stepped foot into station nineteen.”

  “So, you’re thinking of staying here?” I tried to tamp down my excitement in case I’d heard him wrong.

  “If they’ll have me. And maybe a certain special woman I know will also want me to stay.”

  Pressing my lips to his, I smiled and licked along the seam of his mouth before I spoke. “I do want you to stay. I just wasn’t sure we were at the stage where I could ask that of you.”

  “You’re not asking. I want to be here if you and the station will have me.” I couldn’t contain my smile. “Our relationship isn’t normal. We didn’t start out normal, and that’s okay. Normal is overrated. Our relationship will go at our own pace. I may be younger, but I’ve been through things you can’t imagine. Through all of that, I’ve learned a lot about myself and to trust my gut. My gut is telling me I’m right where I’m supposed to be.” Leaning in, he pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose. “What is yours telling you?”

  It was amazing how by opening up to him, Remy was able to push all of my fears to the side. In the short time we’d spent together, I knew I was already falling for him. “That I need to not be afraid of my journey with you, and I can open up to you, and you won’t go running for the hills.”

  “Nothing could make me run from you.” His hand started to rub up and down my back while the other played with the loose strands of my hair. It was soothing. Remy St. James was the perfect mix of the tattooed bad boy who was a beast in bed and then a gentle lover afterward.

  “That feels good,” I murmured sleepily. With each pass of his hand, I could feel my eyes droop a little more until I couldn’t hold them open. Each night Remy had to go back to the station, and I never got to sleep in his arms. I only wanted to experience it for a moment, I told myself as I let myself fall asleep.

  Startled awake, I blinked as Remy thrashed beside me, moaning in his sleep, sounding hurt and afraid. Placing my hand on his chest, I tried to gently wake him up with no success. I had no idea what to do in this situation. Was I supposed to let him wake up on his own or save him from his dream?

  Sitting up on my knees, I shook him harder and was about to throw a glass of water in his face when Remy stopped moving. The sound of his ragged breathing filled the otherwise silent and dark room.

  I started to rub my hand up and down his arm, trying to soothe him when Remy jumped out of bed. He seemed lost as he walked around the room a few times before he disappeared into the bathroom. I started to get up to see if he was okay or needed any help, but the click of the door lock had me getting back into bed. Turning on the bedside light, I moved to rest against the headboard and rubbed at my tired eyes while I waited for Remy to come out.

  It was hard to calm down, wondering what happened as I worried about him and adrenaline pumped through my veins. More than once, I wanted to get up and knock on the bathroom door, but I held myself back.

  Ten minutes later, Remy came out of the bathroom with dark circles under his eyes that looked haunted. “I called an Uber to take me back to the station. It should be here in a few minutes.”

  Of course, an Uber would get here fast when I didn’t want Remy to leave. At least not without first talking to me about what happened.

  “I could have driven you back.” I sat up straighter against the headboard, clutching the sheet to my chest. “I still can if you want to talk.”

  Not looking at me, Remy dressed without saying a word. I didn’t understand what was going on. Why was he shutting me out, and what was that dream about? Had he seen something horrific from the fire and didn’t want to mention it? Whatever it was had taken its toll on him, going by the way his shoulders were hunched over and the desolate look in his eyes.

  “Remy,” I called out to him, my voice shaky, “please talk to me. I don’t want you to leave like this.”

  “It’s...I can’t. Not tonight.” He looked at me only for a moment before he looked away again. “Anyway, I need to get back to the station, and we both need to get some sleep.”

  “I wish you could stay and sleep here.” And talk to me.

  “You know that’s not possible. I need to go.” He moved around to my side of the bed and kissed the top of my head. Never once did his eyes meet mine as he spoke. “I’ll try to call you tomorrow night, but I might be wiped, so if you don’t hear from me, don’t be alarmed.”

  How could he say that? Tomorrow Remy would be placed closer to the line of fire. Of course, I was going to worry about him. Now even more so.

  “Remy,” I grabbed his hand, not wanting to let him go. With tired eyes, he met my gaze. “Please be careful tomorrow, and if you don’t have the energy to call me, then send me a text letting me know you’re okay.”

  His eyes fell to my lips and lingered there before he spoke. “I’ll try. Now I really need to go. My ride is waiting for me downstairs.” Every word that came out of him sounded like it was coming from a robot. There wasn’t a hint of the man I’d come to know there.

  I kept my grip on him even as he started to pull away. After being woken up the way I had, I was desperate to touch him in any way I could, wanting to go back to those minutes before I woke up. When my fingers slipped from his, Remy turned on his heel and walked away.

  “Be safe,” I called out as a tear ran down my cheek.

  Without looking back, he replied in the same robotic tone as before, “Always.”

  18

  Remy

  Lying on my cot, I knew I should text Stella to let her know I was okay, but the truth was I wasn’t okay. I was fine from today, but my dream from last night kept haunting me. Also, I couldn’t get the way Stella looked at me when I told her I was leaving out of my head. She’d opened up to me earlier in the night and then I did what I said I wouldn’t do, I ran.

  Blowing out a breath, I thought back to my call with my therapist. He knew what I’d been through, and I’d hoped he could shed some light on what was going on with me. I’d talked to my dad earlier, and he told me I needed to give Stella my past, but I didn’t want to fill her with my darkness.

  Dr. Rivera said the same after I explained to him how I was feeling about Stella, but I couldn’t do that to her. He also suggested maybe I wasn’t ready for the situation I’d put myself in with volunteering in a life or death situation. We went over some of the exercises that had helped me in the past, and he said to call him day or night if I needed to talk.

  I wasn’t ready to face the reality that doing the one job I wanted to do might set me back. I was no longer able to suppress what happened when Damon died.

  Knowing I needed to open up to Stella about my past and worrying she might not want the damaged man inside kept me from calling her. I couldn’t be another man in her life that let her down. First, her father for not accepting the way she looked, and then Brock for using her to make his way through medical schoo
l only to cheat on her when she didn’t become pregnant with his child. What kind of man did that? And how could I be another man she let into her heart only to break it with the shattered pieces of me I hid from her?

  I knew what I needed to do, but I had to wait until I was face to face with her. This wasn’t something I could say through a text or over the phone. Tomorrow, I would tell her. For now, I’d send her a message letting her know I was safe and I’d see her the next day.

  Remy: It was a tough day but I’m at the station house and safe.

  Remy: I’ll see you tomorrow.

  Stella: Thank you for letting me know.

  I can’t wait to see you.

  Stella: Good night, Remy.

  Remy: Good night.

  Closing my eyes, I willed myself to come up with another alternative to deal with the pain that was trapped inside me. All night and day, all I could think about was how I’d thought I was better and not as damaged as I’d been since the moment Damon died. Even now, knowing it wasn’t my fault that he died. The pain of losing him and Tyler all came rushing back after my dream. The only time it went away was when I was working and out risking my life to save others.

  Not wanting to be around others when I saw Stella, I took a taxi to Penelope’s condo. My leg bounced the entire way there with nerves about what I was getting ready to do.

  The moment Stella opened the door, and she took me in, her eyes filled with tears. “Come in,” she said on a shaky breath as she moved to the side to let me in.

  Following her to the couch where we reunited, I sat down and left a couple of feet separating us. I knew if I felt the heat of her body, I would cave and not do what needed to be done.

  “You look like shit.”

  I knew I did. I’d barely slept the night before, and it been a long and difficult day.

  “I guess I look like I feel.”

  “What’s going on with you?” She started to move closer but stopped when I held my hand up.

  “Please, I need to say this, and I won’t be able to if I can feel your heat or smell your coconut scent.”

  “Oh.” She curled up on her end of the couch with her arms wrapped around her knees. “What is it you want to tell me?”

  “After the other night, I realized I’m not who I thought I was. There’s so much darkness and pain inside of me just waiting to get out, and I can’t let it infect you the way it has me.”

  Her glassy eyes locked on mine. “What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense.”

  “I thought we could be together. That we’d...but we can’t. I’m sorry, Stella, but I won’t be another person in your life who tries to ruin the beautiful soul I see shining back at me. I wish your light could cut through my darkness, but no, I’m too damaged.” I swallowed the emotion that formed in my throat. The devastation written on her face as she continued to look at me nearly had me changing my mind, but I knew I’d only ruin her, and I wouldn’t do that to her.

  Standing, I moved until I was in front of her and cupped her face in my hands. “Forget about me and find a man who isn’t damaged beyond repair.” Leaning down, I closed my eyes and kissed her soft pouty lips one last time.

  “Are you breaking up with me?” Her chin trembled a little more with each word she spoke.

  Running my hand along her jaw, I soaked in the way she felt under my touch. “I’m setting you free from the darkness.”

  She opened her mouth. Surely a protest on her tongue, but I hushed her with a finger.

  “Goodbye, Stella. I wish I could have been what you needed.” Before she could speak or try to talk me out of what I’d done, I left.

  The taxi was waiting for me. I didn’t want to go back to the station, but I had nowhere to go. I was alone again. As soon as my time in California was up, I’d go back to my father, who I knew once again would be disappointed in my choice to cut Stella out of my life.

  Instead of going inside, I sat out on a bench by the volleyball court and looked up at the stars. It had been months since I’d done that when before it was a nightly occurrence.

  I missed the tranquility of it.

  As the moon started to head for the horizon, I picked myself up and went inside. What was done was done, and I had to live with it. Even if Stella was the best thing to ever happen to me.

  19

  Stella

  “What do you mean, he broke up with you? I wasn’t gone long enough for him to come into your life and walk right back out. I didn’t even get to meet the jackass,” Lexie growled out as she brushed my matted hair away from my face, reminding me of the time when Remy had done the exact same thing. A new round of tears started.

  “Just what I told you,” I cried. “He had a nightmare one night, and after that, he wasn’t the same. The next time I saw him, he ended it. Something about darkness and light.” I hung my head. “I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

  I’d run over everything in my head at least a million times since he walked out the door that night over a week ago. I’d tried to text him, but he never responded. Eventually, the messages never even said delivered. I wasn’t sure if he turned off his phone or changed his number to avoid me. Either way, I knew then it was over, and there was nothing I could do about it.

  “I’m sorry, sweetie. If you had told me how bad it was, I would have come back sooner.”

  Wrapping my arms around my middle, I tried to hold in the aching pain that was permanently etched into my heart. “I couldn’t ask you to skip out on a job because I got my feelings hurt.”

  “They’re more than a little hurt, Stella. You’re a wreck.” She scooted closer to me on the couch and wrapped an arm around me. “You could have a least called me. I swear you’ve lost ten pounds while I’ve been gone, and you look like you haven’t slept.” Probably because both were true. Food was unappealing, and sleep rarely found me. When I did sleep, I dreamt of Remy walking out on me over and over again. Reliving it every time my eyes closed had me consuming copious amounts of coffee each day.

  “Have you talked to Pen yet?” she asked quietly.

  “No,” my chin wobbled, and I knew I was close to losing it again. When I woke up the next day after crying myself to sleep, I knew I couldn’t stay at Pen’s place any longer, so I packed everything back in my car and drove home. The worst of the danger was over, and all I wanted to do was be somewhere I wouldn’t see Remy everywhere I looked. Once I got home, I fell onto my couch and had been there ever since. It felt like I hadn’t stopped crying since.

  “What are you waiting for?”

  “I don’t want her to leave the tour so she can come and pick up the pieces of my life once again. Pen deserves to be happy, and she’s finally found it.”

  Resting her head to mine, Lexie spoke softly. “She is happy, but she’d still want to know. She’s your best friend. How would you feel if Pen and Walker broke up and she didn’t tell you?”

  “I’d be pissed, but this is different. Remy and I were barely together.” My eyes filled with tears, and I tried to rein in my emotions. “It shouldn’t hurt this much.”

  “I know, honey, but it will be okay. Maybe Remy was only put in your life to help you move on, and there’s someone else out there who you’re meant to be with.”

  I knew her words were only meant to help, but they didn’t. They stung worse than any other thoughts I’d had since the breakup. I wasn’t sure if I could put myself out there again for another man to trample on my heart.

  “Why don’t I draw you up a hot bath and maybe make you some tea? I think that’ll make you feel better.”

  She was probably right. A nice shower or bath always made things better. Even if it was only a small amount, it would be better than nothing.

  “That would be nice. Thank you for coming over here to check in on me. I know I can’t mope around and cry forever.”

  She stood and helped me up before guiding me to my bathroom. “It’s okay to be sad. You saw something in him that spoke to
your heart.”

  “What if I never find someone? Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Maybe I should get a cat and start hoarding them now.”

  Lexie turned on the water and tested it before adding some oils to it and looked to me. “I can’t say when you’ll find your someone, but he’s out there. I know he is. He has to be because you deserve to be loved.”

  I wanted to believe her, but it was hard when I couldn’t understand why Remy had ended things.

  Stepping to me, Lexie took me in her arms and gave me a big hug. “Get in the water, and I’ll bring you your tea when it’s ready, okay?”

  All I could do was nod and hug her back. Once I was alone in the bathroom, I stood in front of the mirror and took in my disheveled state. I was a mess with my hair all tangled, looking like a bird had started a nest in it. My eyes were red-rimmed with dark circles underneath them, and my skin was pale.

  Doing as ordered, I removed my clothes and threw them in the trash, not wanting to see them again.

  Slowly, I lowered myself into the steaming water. With each inch submerged, I felt my body relax a little more until only a small amount of my shoulders and head were above water. The smell of lavender filled the room, further relaxing me until all thoughts seized. I was only in the here and now.

  A few minutes later, Lexie came in and crouched beside the tub. She spoke quietly, as if she was afraid she might break the peaceful bubble I found myself in. “Do you want me to stay?”

  Keeping my eyes closed, I spoke just as quietly. “You can go. Thank you for everything you’ve done. I already feel better. Once I get out of here, I’m going to sleep, but I’ll call you whenever I wake up.”