Meet Me at Fir Tree Lodge

by Rachel Dove

  ‘I don’t get you Becks, I really don’t.’ Robbie was standing there now, addressing the room, not just her. He was in full influencer celebrity mode, she’d seen enough of his YouTube videos back in the day to realise now that he wasn’t addicted to the danger, or the sense of achievement you felt when you went out there and did your best. He was addicted to the byproducts – the fame, the hangers on. If he could film himself now, working up to his big monologue, it would already be livestreaming. They were almost at the door. She could feel Luke almost vibrating with anger at the side of her, and she knew he was holding it in for her. To get her out without causing a huge scene or make her look even more of a spectacle than she felt already. He was so angry with Robbie, had said so many times how he couldn’t believe anyone could be that calculating. His anger made her question her own, or lack of it.

  ‘See you soon then, Becks! Looking forward to seeing you on the slopes.’

  Stopping at the door, she pulled away from Luke’s hand and walked through the rest of the party guests to get to Robbie. His smile faltered a little, and she leaned in, pushing her index finger deep into the middle of his chest. She wanted to poke it all the way through, take that swinging brick of a heart out of his chest and stamp on the bloody thing till it was dust.

  ‘You can tell people what you like, you can play the jilted loving fiancé, but we both know,’ She leaned in closer still, ‘You were out of this the minute my body hit the deck. You just wouldn’t admit it. The fact is Robbie, it took all that for me to see just what a shallow, fame-hungry, little div you are. Luke is three times the man you are, without even trying.’ She smiled then, her fears fading as she took in his shocked expression. ‘The best thing that ever happened to me was that ski breaking. It took me till now to see that. I’ll see you out there. If you can get close enough—’ she drew herself tall, making her voice that little bit stronger ‘—you can eat my snow, Robbie. I’m done with you, and I don’t care who knows it anymore. I know the truth, and so does everyone here. Carry on with your childish little stunts, and the rest of the world will too. You’re not the only one who had a platform, remember?’

  She turned on her heels to walk away, but Robbie grabbed her wrist. She heard Luke suck in his teeth behind her, and she wrenched herself out of Robbie’s grip, holding out her hand behind her to stop Luke from coming over. She needed to do this herself. Look him right in the eye.

  ‘Don’t you ever touch me again. I’m leaving now. It’s over Robbie, it was before Canada.’

  Robbie’s face fell a little more, and she knew she’d finally hit home. He wasn’t a monster, he was just addicted to the buzz. She was addicted herself at one time, to the feel of the snow beneath her feet, the adrenalin when she rushed down the mountain. It had been all she’d cared about for so long.

  ‘I …’ Even Robbie was stuck for words. The party atmosphere was one of stunned silence, but Rebecca could see that Hans and Holly were both smiling, and when she looked to Mina, she gave Rebecca a thumbs-up, brushing a tear from her face like a proud mama. Christ, she’d even taken Mina down. ‘I don’t know how we got here,’ Robbie muttered. It was the first honest thing he’d said.

  ‘We are where we’re meant to be Robbie, moving on.’ She looked over her shoulder at Luke, who looked like he was about to burst into tears himself. His eyes were blazing with emotion, and she smiled at him, lifting up her hand.

  ‘Luke, take me home.’

  *

  ‘You were amazing,’ Luke marvelled as they lay in her bed, hours later. The lights were dim, one bedside lamp showing off the shadow of her collarbone as he looked down at her. He was propped up on one elbow, their lower limbs wrapped around each other in a complex love knot.

  ‘You weren’t so bad yourself,’ she grinned sleepily. God, she’s gorgeous. Robbie’s right, I’m not good enough for her. I’ll never stop trying though. ‘I think we broke the headboard at one point.’

  He kissed her, and she touched her hand to his cheek.

  ‘Not that,’ he said, reluctantly pulling away. ‘Tonight, with him. You put him in his place. I think you made him understand.’

  She didn’t say anything, just looked up to the ceiling.

  ‘Yeah, but he’ll soon have the last laugh, won’t he? I’m dreading competition day now. I’ll come for you and Hans, of course, but I might skip watching after you. I can watch the rest on the TV in the café. Holly can come down for the day, keep me company.’

  She turned on her side and started to open the bedside drawer. Luke couldn’t do anything but hold his breath. He’d done it. Just like he said he would. He’d gone and messed everything right up.

  Reaching in, she pulled out some papers. The competition entries her mother had sent her. She thumbed through them, frowning and thumbing through them again, a bit faster now. She sat up, looking into the drawer.

  ‘It’s not there.’

  She turned to look at him, the covers pulled around her, papers spread out on the bed in front of her now, discarded.

  ‘What’s not there?’ Luke played dumb as long as he could. Maybe she’d give up looking. Maybe they could get through this night before reality hit. All the while he cursed himself to the heavens.

  ‘The Alpine Challenge Entry form. I …’

  Rebecca was staring at him now, her confusion and trust breaking his heart. He’d done it. He’d gone and fucked everything up.

  ‘After we spoke to Dad, when we came back from the mountain that night. I saw the form filled out.’

  He waited and forced himself to watch the moment when the cogs all stopped whirring and she realised what he’d done.

  ‘Luke, tell me you didn’t hand it in.’ She pulled the sheets around her tighter, closing her body off from him. ‘Please, tell me you didn’t enter me in the competition.’ Bingo. Survey says, you are going to get royally dumped, you idiot.

  ‘I’m so sorry. We’d been having such a good time, and when you were skiing, I don’t know – I just thought you could get back on the horse.’

  ‘Horse!’ she shouted, her voice cracking as she struggled to place which emotion was surging through her with the greatest potency. She angrily brushed a tear away, pulling the covers off the bed and heading towards the bedroom door. Naked, Luke jumped up from the bed and blocked the door.

  ‘Move! It’s not a horse, Luke. It’s a massive competition, on television, with everyone watching me and remembering the last time I jumped!’ She tried to get around him, but he held her tight.

  ‘But you told Robbie!’

  ‘I lied to shut him up!’ she shouted back. ‘Why would you do this?’

  Wrapped in the quilt, she couldn’t do anything but kick out at him. She got him with a couple of elbow digs, but he didn’t move. He didn’t want her to leave. If she left the room, that would be it. He had to make her see.

  ‘I’m sorry, please! Please.’ He lifted his arms, letting her go but not moving from the door. She walked backwards, sitting on the edge of a bed like a sad burrito. He slid down the door and spread his legs out in front of him. ‘I wasn’t thinking about Robbie, I wasn’t thinking at all, I suppose. I just thought it might give you a push.’

  ‘This isn’t about Robbie.’ She didn’t take her eyes off the floor. ‘I don’t need a push Luke, I’m done.’

  ‘But why the entry forms though? I know you haven’t competed, but—’

  ‘You don’t get it, do you?’

  ‘I get that you’re scared, but—’

  ‘You get that, do you? Shattered bones before, have you? Have you hit the ground and realised that you are not going to come out of it in one piece before? No Luke, you haven’t. I sat in a bed for weeks, left behind by most of the world. It’s not a game, Luke. It’s not for a trophy. I’m not scared, I’m just done with it.’

  ‘The woman I saw out on the snow this week isn’t done. I’ve been watching you. You are more alive on a pair of skis than most people are their whole lives. You shouldn’t turn you
r back on that.’ He wanted to push her, make her fight back. Why didn’t she want this? It worked with his dad, why not with her?

  ‘Turning your back on something is different than giving up. I’m not giving up.’

  ‘Really? Why are you mad then? You just told a whole room full of people that you were entering, you looked for the form. Why are you so mad?’ She was making his head spin.

  ‘Because it was my choice Luke! Not yours! You went through my things, and did it behind my back! Why are you here anyway? For me or for your dad?’ She stood up. ‘You can’t save everyone with a cute gesture and a big plan. I don’t need saving. It’s you that’s lost. Please, just go back to your room.’

  ‘I know I did wrong, Becks. I know that, but I’m an arse with only the best intentions for you. I’m not lost, I’m happy here. With you. I’ll sort it out, I’ll get the form back. No one will have to know.’

  ‘It’s too late, once it’s in, people will know. Damn it, Luke. Just go!’

  ‘No, please. Come into the lounge and talk. Just for a little while. I can’t leave things like this.’ He spied his pants on the floor, and quickly put them on. She didn’t move towards the door, so he took a chance and sat next to her on the bed. ‘I will never do anything like that again. I just thought that you were doing so well, I thought you’d be happy.’ Hans had told him more over the past week, and he knew that she was well enough to ski. Hell, she could still compete. She just never did. ‘I know someone who is stuck in a rut. I’ve felt like that pretty much my whole adult life, till I came here. I’m braver here, I want to do things, try new things. I want to show Dad that life isn’t all bacon sandwiches and pottering about in the garden. No more playing it safe.’

  Rebecca took her chance and walked out into the hall. Luke stayed right where he was. She went towards the lounge, and Luke waited for the door to slam shut. Hans would probably be here in five to escort him off the premises. He sighed, wishing he could talk to his dad, ask his advice.

  ‘This was my life,’ Rebecca started, standing in her bedroom doorway, holding up the photo album he recognised from under the coffee table. She sat next to him on the bed again, pulling an arm out of the sheets to turn the pages. Page after page of Rebecca, Rebecca and Robbie, Rebecca and Hans, Holly and her, Mina and Evan, a few other faces that Luke recognised from the party. Her inner circle. ‘Was. I still have the friends, the ones that counted in the first place. I still live here, I ski. You saw me. I’m fine.’

  ‘Exactly! You’re better than fine. I did wrong, I’m sorry, but you can do this, Rebecca.’

  She threw the album to the floor. It landed with a loud bang on the wooden surface.

  ‘How would you know? You’ve known me a week, Luke. Have you ever done anything that scared you, before your dad’s accident?’ He could feel his jaw clench. She’s hurting, don’t bite. ‘You never did anything before this Luke, you said it yourself.’ She was staring at him now, and he went to stand up. ‘You’ve never watched everything you’ve ever worked for, all that you have ever been, crash and burn around you. That ski broke, and it might as well have killed me. To be honest, it would have been less painful.’

  ‘Don’t you dare say that in front of me. Ever again. Dad had a stroke, and he gave up. I changed that. I changed you, and you changed me. We’re all here, trying! Let’s do it together! Fuck Robbie, screw the competition! Do it for that! Do it for the girl in those photos. She’s part of you Becks, she’s a part of you and always will be.’ She didn’t say anything back to him.

  ‘I’ll go to my room, but this isn’t over.’ He stood up and started to walk to his room. He went to reach for her but she moved out of his grasp. She was just sitting there, still wrapped in the quilt, make-up streaked eyes making her look so beautiful, and broken. He’d really gone and done it now. He needed to let her cool off.

  ‘Luke?’

  He stopped and turned to face her. She wiped her face with a shaky hand and stood up tall.

  ‘Yeah?’ He held his breath.

  ‘I want you gone when I get up. Don’t contact me again. Go home Luke, spend time with your dad. It’s where you should be. You never should have left. Some things are just over.’

  Striding over to the bedroom door, she slammed it in his face, leaving him standing in the hallway in his pants, wondering what the hell had gone wrong so fast.

  Stunned, he stood staring, and reached up to the wood. Putting his hand on the surface, he rested his head on the wood and sighed.

  ‘Rebecca. I might not be perfect, but I am here. I would always be here. My dad sent me away. He made me leave the hospital. He stopped me from seeing him. I didn’t leave him, I came here to help him.’

  ‘Luke.’ The voice sounded faraway and tired. ‘You’re leaving soon anyway. The competition is in less than two months. We’re just ripping off the band aid early.’

  ‘It was never going to end after two months, don’t give me any of that crap.’ He knew she was angry, but he’d felt like she wanted this just as much as he did. Didn’t she? ‘Open the door, talk to me please.’

  ‘No Luke. Leave. I don’t want to see you. It’s done. The whole thing is done.’

  Luke’s fingers itched to touch the door handle, but he didn’t move. He gave it one last try.

  ‘From one coward to another, you’ll have to face it sometime. And me. I’m not leaving, Bec. This isn’t over.’

  Rebecca didn’t answer. He kept talking, telling her that she could do this, that he was sorry, that he was falling for her. She didn’t answer again. When the sun started to come out, Luke reluctantly left her doorway, packed his stuff up and headed to Hans’s place. Another person’s morning he was about to ruin. Lovely.

  Chapter 10

  ‘Luke, phone.’

  Rebecca pulled her hair away from her face, pushing her leg behind her to wake Luke up.

  ‘Luke, phone!’

  She recognised the ringtone. Hers. She scrabbled for it, the events of the previous night coming screaming back into her consciousness. That and the fact that she’d polished off her emergency tequila. The one she hid under the floorboards for emergencies of the Robbie level kind in the old days. Now, it had Luke’s name written all over it. Jabbing at the buttons, trying to blow her unruly mop away from her eyes. Eyes that felt like they were glued together with sleep at this precise moment.

  ‘Luke! Luke?’

  ‘Who’s Luke? Take your ear away from the camera, dear.’

  Looking at her phone in horror, she saw her mother’s smiling face. A face that stopped smiling as soon as it clapped eyes on Rebecca.

  ‘What are you doing? Have you been crying?’ She could see her face on the little screen in the corner, and she looked like a mad scientist had spent a wild night with Alice Cooper, and she was the resulting offspring.

  ‘Yes. No Mum. What time is it?’

  ‘Time you were up dear girl!’ Her mother had her phone propped up on something on the kitchen table. Probably not the boob shakers. She reached for a cup of tea, and Rebecca could see that she was midway through a sandwich. ‘You could have been out there this morning, getting all the practice you need!’

  Rebecca tried to rub at her make-up, but just managed to smear it across her face. Her tongue felt like a hairbrush. Linty.

  ‘Don’t rub at your face like that dear. Use a facial wipe.’

  Rebecca looked around her. No facial wipes. Just tissues from her weeping as quietly as she could whilst getting secretly shitfaced. Whilst the boy she liked slept in the next room. For the last time.

  ‘Sorry Mum, my masseur doesn’t come till eleven. I usually get rubbed down and spruced up then.’

  Her mother snorted down her nose. ‘Eleven! You’ll be lucky. It’s gone two here! Have you really been in bed this whole time?’

  She put the phone down on the duvet, looking for the clock by her bedside table. It had been knocked to the floor. It was after three. Where was Luke? Had he gone?

  Her mothe
r was still chuntering away as she dived out of bed, covering the screen with her quilt as she ran in her nightshirt out of her room. His bedroom door was open.

  ‘Rebecca, what the hell are you doing? Rebecca?’

  Walking slowly into the room, she looked automatically to his suitcase, which he’d put under the bed. There was nothing but space. She didn’t bother walking to the wardrobe. She’d told him to go. He’d gone.

  Her mother’s braying tones kept erupting from the heap of tear- and tequila-soaked bedding that she’d left her in. Walking like a zombie back to her room, she picked up the phone and sat at the end of the bed. Looking her mother square in the face, she listened to her go on.

  ‘Where have you been! I have things to do you know. Mildred from the paper shop on the corner? She brought me round a printout of your internet page thingy.’ She waggled the piece of paper in front of the screen, pushing it closer and further away. Cheers Mildred, you nosy old bag. You should stick to selling the news, not ruddy spreading it like glitter at a unicorn convention.

  ‘Can you see it? I can’t get this ruddy thing to focus. It’s you! You got papped again. Oh, I can’t tell you how excited we were. Who’s the new chap? Does he compete? He looks handsome in the photos. A bit Cary Grant, I thought. It’s finally—’

  ‘Shut up, Mum.’

  It took her mother a whole minute to digest what Rebecca had said. Probably because no one had ever said it to her before.

  ‘What did you just say to me?’

  ‘I said, shut up, Mum. I can’t take any more. No more. The guy in the photo? That’s Luke. I’ve been shagging him, in my little café flat, for the past week. Yesterday, I told him to bugger off. This morning, he did.’

  Her mother gasped like a fish, and for a second Rebecca hoped, nay, prayed that the connection had dropped on the line.

  ‘Shagging? Luke? Week?’

  ‘Yes Mum. Your daughter is a dirty little tramp, a washed-up old ski champion with a penchant for anything in spectacles and a sexy elbow patch. I met him a week ago, and now I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen for the huge dork, and I cocked it all up.’ She looked at the screen, bursting into tears.