Knot Gneiss

by Piers Anthony

  The courtroom and Demons vanished. They were back in the dusky cave, their bodies no longer convoluted, except for Wenda. Wenda was a true woodwife again, except that she was hollow in front, just as she had been the moment the Demon Court convened. All the rest of them were now back to their natural forms.

  “I’m so sorry,” Hilarion told Wenda. “I did not want this torture to be visited on you.”

  “Dew knot bee concerned,” she said. “I was a woodwife for most of my life. I can bee one again. I appreciate yewr sacrifice to try to spare me.” For the Demoness Fornax had offered him everything that Eris had given Jumper, and she knew how happy Jumper was. But Hilarion did have half a case: she was devastated by her loss of full reality. What would Charming think?

  “And you, Meryl,” Hilarion said. “You gave up your ideal male companion.”

  “I couldn’t let Wenda die,” Meryl said simply.

  “Yes, of course. And you, Ida—you also gave up your ideal male companion.”

  “It had to be,” Ida said shortly. “The Demons were testing us. We have to be true to our friendships.”

  Then Angela screamed. They all looked at her. She was flying just above the cave floor, her feet almost touching. They were dainty feet, on nicely shaped legs. But why had she screamed?

  “I’m whole!” Angela cried. “My legs have substance!”

  That was it. Her legs and feet had become visible. How had that happened?

  “The Demon Xanth said I would be rewarded if I won,” Angela said. “This must be how.”

  “You got Wenda’s lost substance!” Meryl said.

  Angela looked at Wenda’s hollow frontside. “Oh! I didn’t know. I never would have taken it that way!”

  Wenda realized that her loss was not total. “I’m glad yew got it,” she said. “Yew needed to get it before yewr time ran out.”

  “Wenda,” Ida said. “Your forest dialect is back.”

  Wenda realized it was true. “My reversion must have nullified the spell,” she said. “I have nothing to hide anymore.”

  “You never did,” Ida said.

  “I think it’s quaint,” Hilarion said.

  Wenda shrugged. “It’s me, anyway.”

  Now it was late in the day, for all that they were in the gloom of the underground. They camped where they were, on a wide ledge, eating from their supplies, and were ready when the conjugal visiting party came.

  “Angela!” Beauregard exclaimed. “You’ve got legs!”

  “And that’s not all,” Angela said, hoisting her skirt to flash him with her visible panties. Maybe her recent experience as a demoness had made her bolder about such un-Heavenly details.

  Meanwhile Charming was embracing Wenda. Like Beauregard, he had not changed his situation. Maybe the Demons had nullified that aspect of this region when they set up the courtroom, and forgotten to revert it when they left. So Charming was neither a child nor a pauper, but a man with desire and hands. She braced for his exclamation of dismay as those hands clasped nothing behind. Then she would have to explain how she had reverted. How would he react?

  Then she remembered that she had her backside. It was her frontside that was missing. So she turned in his embrace so that her full side was facing him, as it were.

  He kissed her neck and dropped to the floor with her, having no objection to the changed position. In seven minutes he was safely asleep. He hadn’t even noticed! Wenda wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or annoyed.

  The visitors were gone. It was time to settle for the night.

  Then Meryl screamed, bringing them all alert. “The Sidewalk!”

  Sure enough, there it was, crossing the path ahead. They had found it when they least expected it.

  Hastily they trundled the loaded wagon to the Sidewalk, and onto it, sideways. This time they made sure to take the right fork. Jumper opened the Door, and they squeezed through. They had escaped Reverse World.

  10

  GOBLINATE

  It was dark but quiet. “There is no nearby threat,” Jumper reported, ranging out telepathically. “We are on an island in a lake.”

  “The Door connected from one island to another,” Meryl said.

  “That may be coincidence,” Ida said, “but it is convenient.” She produced a small tent from her handbag, and they set it up. Then came pillows and blankets. Soon they were sleeping comfortably.

  Except for Hilarion and Ida, who sat up a little while, talking in the darkness. And Wenda, whose reverted condition made her restless. So she quietly listened, feeling slightly guilty for snooping. “Should I renew the forgetting for Meryl?” Hilarion asked.

  “I believe you should,” Ida answered.

  “Forget what?” Meryl asked, hearing her name.

  “You volunteered to allow Hilarion to work his magic on you,” Ida explained, “so that you could forget something it is important to forget.”

  “Oh. Like being fish-headed. That’s fine.” Meryl slept, satisfied.

  “You have a certain touch for discretion, Ida,” Hilarion said.

  “Thank you. I must say that it was a noble thing you did, surrendering your discovery of your betrothee in order to save Wenda’s life. Fornax offered you everything Eris gives Jumper. I realize how tempting that must be to a young man.”

  “No more noble than your own sacrifice of your ideal man. Anyway, Fornax was not my betrothee, so it would not have worked out.”

  She laughed without humor. “We seem to be similarly foolish. I hope you find your betrothee when no one’s life is on the line.”

  “I hope so too, and I hope the same for you. The Demons did not actually say we would not find them on our own.”

  “They did not,” she agreed. “At least now we have confirmation that they exist, and are presumably alive and well. That’s worth something.”

  “Yes, it is,” he agreed. “Maybe we can locate them after we get the Knot delivered.”

  “That is an idea,” she agreed. “Perhaps we should plan to make those searches together, as they are of similar nature and our talents mesh well.”

  “They do,” he agreed thoughtfully. “I would like to do that, hoping for success for us both.”

  “Then it is perhaps a date,” she said, and they both laughed. Wenda was glad that the young man and older woman were getting along so well. She wished them both success.

  In the morning the Knot was making its malice known again. Wenda replaced the seeds in the net, and the wagon became seemingly friendly.

  They rolled the wagon into the red water. It wanted to float, being wood, but the Knot was more like heavy rock and would not let it float. So Jumper transformed to a giant fish and carried it across to the blue mainland.

  Now all they had to worry about was the Strip.

  Angela and Meryl flew ahead, searching for evidence of the Sidewalk or Door. But this time they found no clue.

  “We shall just have to plunge in and look for it,” Wenda decided.

  They nerved themselves and did it. Immediately they were in a chaos of sound. A bell was ringing, deafeningly loud. Wenda oriented on the loudness and saw a man walking toward them. He had ears shaped like bells, and they were ringing as he walked. Loudly.

  “Excuse me!” she yelled over the sound. “Can you turn that off?”

  “I can’t hear you,” he shouted back. “My ears are ringing.”

  Just so. Normally any ear-ringing was internal. This was an animated pun, and they had to get past it to reach the Door. But the man was in the way, and when Wenda tried to push by him, the ringing got worse. She fell back, putting her hands over her ears. Her ears fed into her now-hollow skull, but the sound was painful anyway. She knew it was just as bad for the other members of the party.

  What would get rid of this tormented man? She looked desperately around. All she saw was another man. Well, at least his ears weren’t ringing.

  She approached him. “Hello,” she shouted. “I am Wenda Woodwife, as yew can see.” She turned ar
ound briefly so he could see her full backside, now decently clothed. Unfortunately she couldn’t clothe her hollow face. “Who are yew? What’s yewr pun?”

  “I am Anthony,” he shouted back. “I’m no pun. I just wandered into this dreadful Strip and now can’t find my way out. It’s awful!”

  Another sufferer? She did not fully trust this. “What’s yewr talent?”

  “Summoning and banishing the Demoness Metria.” He shrugged. “I know it’s useless, but there it is.”

  Wenda knew of Metria, who was always into mischief. She did not want Metria complicating this problem.

  Meryl was behind her. “Maybe Metria could help,” she said.

  Ida was behind Meryl. “I’m sure she could,” she agreed.

  Now that was interesting. There should now be a way Metria could help them, if she would. That was two questions: how could the Demoness help, and how could she be persuaded to do so?

  Then Wenda suffered a double notion as twin bulbs flashed over her head. “Summon her!” she shouted.

  “Are you sure?” he shouted back. “She’ll be in a bad mood. She doesn’t like being summoned.”

  “Reasonably sure,” she said. “I want to trick her into getting you out of here.”

  Anthony smiled. “Say no more.” He concentrated, and a bathtub appeared.

  The Demoness Metria was in it, having a bubble bath, scrubbing her bare back. She glared around, realizing that she was suddenly public. “Who did this assail?” she demanded threateningly.

  Wenda was ready. “Did this what?”

  “Violate, ravish, rape, assault, dishonor—”

  “Outrage?”

  “Whatever!” Metria agreed crossly, her temper not improved half a whit.

  “I did it!” Wenda said. “With the help of these two miscreants.” She indicated the bell ringer and Anthony, both of whom had freaked out at the sight of her bare heaving wet front. “What are yew going to dew about it?”

  Metria squinted. “I know you! You’re that woodwife with the funny dialect. Only what’s with your face? Did somebody punch you in your wooden nose?”

  “Yew’re right,” Wenda agreed, ignoring the face remark. “I’m guilty. Let the two men go. Haul me out of here instead.”

  “Oh no, you don’t! You’re trying to trick me into extricating you from the Comic Strip. I’ll mess you up instead.”

  “No, please! I’m the one to punish.”

  But Metria was already reaching out to catch the two freaked men. She hauled them both into the tub with duplicate splashes. The shock of the water made them recover. They gazed again at her front and freaked out again.

  “I am punishing you.” Then Metria, the tub, and both men vanished. And the awful ear-ringing had been silenced.

  “Onward,” Wenda said, pleased.

  “You are developing a rare talent in management,” Ida murmured.

  “Thank yew. But we still have knot found the Door.”

  But already another pun was upon them. A large wild woman was barring their way. “You shall not proceed, you civilized tenderfeet,” she declared. “I am Harberian Barbarian, and my talent is changing local seasons. You will stay here forever and three days unless you have a seasonal pass.”

  Wenda was taken aback. “Aren’t yew exaggerating? How can we stay longer than forever?”

  “It’s hyperbole, you tiny little nit. If ignorance were a molehill, you’d be a mountain.”

  “She’s a hyper-bully,” Jumper said.

  “And I love harp music, and know where every harbor is,” Harberian agreed. “Now observe my power, you insignificant mites.” She waved her arms.

  The season had been summery. Now it was fall, with the trees turning colors. And winter, with snow flurries blowing at them. And spring, with flowers popping out of the ground.

  Wenda looked around again. There was another man. Could she somehow use him to cancel the barbarian?

  She approached the man. “I am Wenda Woodwife, passing through. Are yew another lost traveler?”

  “No, I’m Eric, enjoying the scenery. I am Harberian’s boyfriend. My talent is to find the question for any answer.”

  “Knot the answer to any question?”

  “No. I know the questions to ask to get folk to come up with specific answers.”

  This seemed to be no help at all. But Wenda was desperate. She cudgeled her hollow brain, and managed to evoke another bulb flash. She noticed incidentally that the flashbulb was half hollow, like her head. Maybe she could use his talent after all.

  “The answer is Right Here,” Wenda said firmly.

  “The question is, Where is the Door?” Eric said immediately.

  “Sheer genius!” Hilarion murmured admiringly.

  And there was the Sidewalk leading to the Door. They trundled the wagon hastily to it, made the right turn, and came up against the Door. In little more than a moment and an instant they were piling through it.

  “That was a remarkable recovery,” Ida said. “I agree with Hilarion: you showed genius, Wenda.”

  “With my hollow head?” But Wenda was pleased, and she knew the back part of her head was blushing.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t celebrate yet,” Jumper said.

  Ida looked around. “Indeed we should not. This is, if I remember my geography correctly, the dread Hate Lake of the Goblinate of the Golden Horde. A deadly dangerous place.”

  “At least we are back in Xanth,” Meryl said.

  “We had better move on out of here,” Wenda said. She knew of the Goblinate; it was reputed to be the worst goblin band in Xanth, utterly ruthless and cruel, buttressed by the hate spring, which they used to torture captives.

  “I can assume roc form and carry us out,” Jumper said.

  “Too late,” Hilarion said. “They have surrounded us. You don’t have takeoff room, and if you did, they would pepper you with arrows.”

  Indeed, there was now a wide arc of goblins extending from the shore on one side to the shore on the other side, and closing in. They were trapped.

  “Dew knot change form,” Wenda told Jumper. “We dew knot want them to know yewr ability.”

  “I see an air boat,” Angela said, hovering above them.

  Wenda glanced up and saw that the angel’s flaring skirt was no longer empty; her nice legs showed right up to the heavenly panties. “Dew knot look up,” she snapped to Hilarion and Jumper.

  She was too late. Both men had freaked out.

  There was no time to snap them out of it. “Can yew show us the air boat?” Wenda asked Angela.

  “It is right here, beached by the water. It is invisible because it is made of air. I can see it because I remain partly ethereal.” The angel flew down to perch on it.

  “How big is it?”

  “Big. It could hold us all, plus the Knot. The goblins must use it to haul freight.”

  “Roll the wagon to it. We’ll cross to the island before the goblins catch on. Dew knot touch the water.”

  They snapped the men out of their freaks, and the two of them hauled the wagon to the boat. Wenda and Ida pushed from behind, while Meryl and Angela hovered nearby, watching the goblins.

  “They’re catching on,” Meryl called. “They’re bringing up some sort of contraption. Get the boat moving!”

  There was an invisible ramp for the freight. They hauled the wagon across it and lifted it clear of the beach. Hilarion pushed off with an invisible pole. They had made it.

  Meryl screamed. Wenda looked, and saw her ensnared in a flying net. That was what the contraption was: a catapult that had hurled the net and caught Meryl in the air.

  Angela flew toward her, but Meryl saw her and called a warning. “Don’t get close! They’ll catch you too! Leave me and get out of here!”

  “She’s right,” Ida called. “You can’t help Meryl. Stay with us. We’ll think of something.”

  Distraught, Angela came to land on the air boat. “We’ve got to rescue her.”

  “We’ll dew i
t,” Wenda said. But she had no idea how.

  There were air oars on the boat. The men wielded them, careful not to splash, and the craft moved smartly across the deadly lake. The goblins did not try to follow; they well knew the nature of the water.

  But Meryl was a captive of the most brutal goblins in Xanth. What could they do?

  They watched as the goblins swarmed over the net and hauled the struggling Meryl into their ugly mound. They did not seem to be hurting her. Yet.

  They held an impromptu council of war as the boat continued to move across the lake. “We have to save her!” Angela said tearfully.

  “I could change to roc form,” Jumper said. “But the moment I attacked the mound, they could kill her.”

  “And they would riddle you with arrows,” Hilarion said. “This is a hostage situation. We shall have to negotiate.”

  “Negotiate?” Wenda asked. “With what?”

  “They want something from us,” Hilarion said. “Otherwise they would not have taken her captive. They would have killed her immediately, probably while we watched.”

  “What could they want?” Ida asked.

  “I don’t know. I think we shall have to wait until they contact us. We are unlikely to like what they have to say, but I fear it is our only course at the moment.”

  Wenda suspected that he was right. The goblins did want something, and it was unlikely to be anything nice.

  “They are not fools,” Jumper said. “They may know about my transformation abilities, and fear that if they kill Meryl, I will bomb them to oblivion regardless of their arrows.” He smiled grimly. “And they are correct.”

  “We’ll just have to see,” Wenda said morosely.

  They reached the island and debarked. The Knot was starting to break down the reverse-wood shield, but Wenda did not refresh the seeds yet, not wanting to waste them.

  “Don’t we need Meryl to suggest something Ida can agree to?” Angela asked.

  Ida nodded. “That is a minor part of our problem. The major part of course is how to save her from the awful clutches of the goblins.”

  “Yes. I thought that if she can’t suggest a way, maybe I can. Only I know about your talent, so—”

  Ida caught Hilarion’s eye. He focused on Angela, who was evidently volunteering.