by HP Mallory
“Ah’m glad fer it, lass,” he answered in a monotone.
“I can be your sentry now,” I said as I sat down next to him on the rock. He stood up and immediately shook his head.
“Ah dinnae need ye.”
“But what if something tries to attack you?” I argued.
He adamantly shook his head. “Ah amnae worried. Ah can manage. Ye can return ta yer stookie angel an’ take a nap. ’Tis another few hours’ walk ta the tavern.”
“The tavern?” I repeated without a clue of what he was talking about.
“Aye, Ah desire a warm meal an’ a good whisky.”
I felt my eyes widening because I didn’t know Tallis drank hard liquor. That, and I was shocked that there was a restaurant in the Dark Wood in the first place. But the idea of a warm meal enticed me and I simply nodded and headed for our camp where I could see Bill snoozing against a tree. Not wanting to awaken him, I draped my nice, clean sweatshirt over one of the tree branches and reached for my sword before I sat down next to him. Instantly catching his horrible smell, I moved to another tree. I pulled my sword from its scabbard and admired the shiny steel. Running my fingers down the metal, I noticed how the lines on either side were perfectly symmetrical. Tallis truly was a master craftsman.
As soon as I thought of Tallis, I started to worry about him being in the water hole by himself without any protection. I knew enough about the haunted forest to suspect there were creatures inside it that would not hesitate to eat one of us for dinner. I wasn’t sure what prompted it, but before I knew what I was doing, I was back on my feet, my sword in hand. I started for the watering hole, being very careful not to make any sounds because I knew how pissed Tallis would be if he caught me spying on him. But, it was a risk I was more than willing to take if it meant ensuring his safety.
“But when thou art again in the sweet world, I pray thee to the mind of others bring me.”
– Dante’s Inferno
TEN
When I made it around the tree, I noticed Tallis was submerged up to his neck in the middle of the pool and facing the opposite direction. Grasping the opportunity to hide behind the same large boulder he was sitting on when I was bathing, I darted across the ten or more feet that separated it from me. Then I sat down on the ground, looking in the opposite direction as I asked myself what in the hell I was doing. Peeking at Tallis while he was naked? Had I lost my mind? I tried to rationalize it by saying I was just looking out for him, and being protective. But I honestly knew that wasn’t the full story. No, there was a side of me that thrilled at the idea of seeing Tallis completely in the buff. Although I didn’t want to admit it, that was the bare-faced truth.
I felt heat flooding my cheeks as I shook my head and mentally berated myself. It wasn’t right for me to spy on Tallis, especially when he had no idea I was there. But any attempt to talk myself into returning to the sleeping Bill was futile. So, with a deep breath, I turned around, and snuck a peek behind the rock. Tallis was still in the water, but now it was only up to his waist. He submerged himself entirely before standing up again, and throwing his head back while running his hands through his hair to squeeze the water from it.
It wouldn’t have surprised me to find myself drooling. I just couldn’t remember another moment when Tallis appeared more breathtaking. With his defined and sculpted chest, and the water dripping down his face, sliding over his pecs and abs, he could have been every woman’s dream come to life.
He shook his head more vigorously and the water droplets flew left and right. Then he started moving toward the shore. Realizing he was planning to get out of the water, I immediately ducked back down behind the rock and faced forward. I started to panic when I thought about how I was going to return to our campsite. If I waited too long, Tallis would certainly see me because I wasn’t well hidden. I peeked around the corner of the boulder again and watched him wading through the water as it grew increasingly shallower. Even though I knew I should take cover again, I couldn’t bring myself to. Instead, I silently watched him, anticipating what I would see in another few seconds. The idea of secretly observing, and thereby experiencing, Tallis’s nude body thrilled me all the way down to my core.
I couldn’t help the sharp gasp of breath I took as soon as he stepped out of the water. He was stunning to behold. His thighs were sculpted of sinuous muscle; and the enormous creature that hung between his legs was, in a word, impressive. So much so, I couldn’t pry my eyes from it. Despite my virginity, I’d seen naked men before—mainly in movies or on the Internet a time or two. But none of those men could hold a candle to Tallis. I couldn’t tell if it was simply because he was right there in front of me, in all of his glorious, unclothed flesh, but my heart skipped a beat.
All at once, I grimly realized the predicament I was now in. Tallis was well on his way back to the rocks to retrieve his clothing, and here I sat. He would, no doubt, see me and that was for sure. With no time left to hightail it back to our makeshift camp, I knew I had to hide. Crouching low, I duck-walked away from my hiding place behind the boulder, seeking a better one. Spotting a few larger rocks down the way from the one I just left, I hurried to get to them. That was when I remembered my sword.
“Fuck!” I whispered inaudibly as my heart started thudding in my chest. Tallis would absolutely know I was there if he found my sword, so I instantly made up my mind to go back and retrieve it. I started crawling toward the boulder again, my heart lodged in my throat. My sword was right where I left it, innocently leaning against the face of the rock. I started to reach for it, but quickly thought I should probably check to see where Tallis was. If I were really lucky, he’d be facing the opposite direction, and I might be able to make a direct beeline for our campsite.
Silently lifting my head up from behind the rock, I found myself face-to-face with Tallis’s bare thigh, and I squealed out loud.
After a few seconds, during which I wondered if my heart would simply give out, I craned my neck upward to face him. Of course, he was still completely naked; and as my gaze revisited that place, I told myself quite sternly to close my eyes or look away, but I did neither. Instead, I looked directly at it. Right at it! When my eyes finally reached Tallis’s face, he was staring down at me, and he did not look amused.
As soon as we made eye contact, he reached down, clutching me by the back of the neck, and yanked me upward. I couldn’t form a word in my mind as his intense gaze penetrated me, and his eyes narrowed in anger. I was so mortified, I couldn’t even think. I just couldn’t get past seeing Tallis’s … unit when it was no more than three inches from my face. And like a total moron, all I’d been able to do was gawk at it.
Tallis didn’t release his hold on me, but instead threw my head back when I tried to look away from him and break eye contact. As he thrust me backward onto the rough surface of the boulder, my breath caught in my throat as I wondered if he planned to do me in right there, to slit my throat just to be done with me. I dropped my eyes to the level of his pecs.
“Look at meh,” he demanded.
Breathing deeply, I felt like I might pass out when my eyes met his again and I saw that his pupils were widely dilated. That was when I sensed he wasn’t quite as angry as I’d originally imagined, but he appeared to be … rather … What? Excited? “Um,” I started when I found my tongue and knew I had some ’splainin’ to do if I were to extricate myself from this very odd and uncomfortable situation. “I … uh … um, I was only trying to protect you,” I blurted out, my heart thumping in my chest.
“Dinnae speak,” he replied and just stared at me, but released his grip on my neck. When he ran his fingers across my nape, over where his grasp had felt so hard, his fingers were much more tender.
“Tallis, please don’t be upset with me,” I pleaded, when my wits unexpectedly returned and brought along with them a severe case of diarrhea of the mouth. “I’m sorry I invaded your privacy ...”
He looked like he was about to say something before he clenched
his teeth and stepped away. Turning to the rock next to him, he retrieved his kilt. I just stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say or do, embarrassment flooding me. Actually, embarrassment didn’t describe the half of it. Overcome by intense mortification and the sudden wish that the ground would open up and swallow me whole, I added, “I was worried about you.” I felt obligated to explain my actions.
But Tallis didn’t respond, and merely secured his kilt around his waist, before stepping into his sandals and retrieving his sword, snug inside its scabbard. He lifted the scabbard over his head and secured it in place against his chest, then turned to face me. When our eyes met again, his appeared more narrowed and angry. He didn’t say a word when he started walking forward. With no other choice, I grabbed my own sword and obediently followed him.
“We will move oan ta the tavern,” he announced.
He walked past Bill whom we found snoring against the tree trunk. I kicked Bill’s foot to wake him, suddenly nervous that Tallis might just leave us. In fact, I was convinced that was exactly what would happen if Bill didn’t wake up. “Bill!” I yelled when he made no sign or motion to open his eyes.
“What?” he asked as he jerked with a start and began scanning his surroundings, his eyes wide. “What’s goin’ on, nips?” he inquired when his gaze rested on me again.
“We’ve got to move,” I announced, grabbing my sweatshirt and loosely tying it around my waist before starting forward. Tallis had already vanished beyond one of the trees directly in front of us.
“But I haven’t bathed yet!” Bill protested in a whiny tone.
“I know,” I replied and stopped walking for a moment as I glanced back at him. “But unless you want to be left all alone in this forest, my advice is to start walking now.”
“What the hell’d you do ta piss the Yeti off now?”
I shook my head at him and sighed. “You don’t even know the half of it.”
Bill grumbled something unintelligible as he rose to his feet. After trying to stifle a few yawns, he complied and started following me. I’d already made it past the tree where Tallis disappeared and now, I could just make out his body’s outline as he walked around the base of a large hillside that was maybe twenty feet ahead of me.
“This is BS, man,” Bill announced when he finally caught up with me.
“We’re heading to a tavern and they might have baths there,” I answered while increasing my pace, which, thankfully, Bill copied and kept up with me.
“A tavern?” Bill repeated as he scratched his head in obvious wonder. “Like a place where you drink alcohol an’ find big-boobed wenches to motorboat?”
“I think that’s probably the definition you’d find in Webster’s Dictionary,” I replied somewhat absently, since all of my attention was now centered on finding Tallis again. We were just approaching the hillside where I last saw him, but once we rounded it, Tallis was nowhere in sight.
“Dude, did the Yeti freakin’ ditch us?” Bill asked as I broke into a run. My heart fluttered and I felt something lodge in my throat.
“I don’t know!” I called over my shoulder. Looking to my right, and then to my left, I saw nothing besides the skeletal outline of charcoaled trees that populated the Dark Wood. I stopped running, when I realized it was utterly useless, and wheeled around in a full circle, trying to find any trace of Tallis. Bill caught up with me, and had to lean onto his thighs before he could catch his breath.
“If that prehistoric ape ditched us,” he trailed off as he inhaled and exhaled deeply again, before coughing and trying to catch his breath.
“Hurry oop!” Tallis’s voice suddenly roared from above us. Looking up, I noticed he was standing at the top of a steep cliff. It was probably a good forty feet high; and the cliff face was nothing but sheer, smooth rock.
“An’ just how in the hell do you expect us ta get up there, He-Man?” Bill demanded with his hands on his hips. “Do we look like frickin’ goats?”
“There is a trail ’round the bend,” Tallis said in a monotone before disappearing from the top of the rock face, and presumably going the other way. I started around the bend of the mountain and noticed there was a narrow pathway that bisected the craggy rock face.
“We gotta hike up that?” Bill whined, clearly perturbed.
“Guess so,” I answered as I started up the incline. My calves burned almost immediately, and moments later, the muscles in my thighs were blazing. But I didn’t pause once, or bask in the luxury of feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I continued up the trail and ignored my over-fatigued muscles. The closer I got to the top, the worse the incline became. I had to ultimately pull myself up the last few steps by holding onto the rocks, which jutted from the face of the mountain.
Hoisting myself up and over the ledge of the cliff, I found a smiling Bill, who stood there with his hands on his hips and a smug look on his face. “Took ya long enough.”
“Nice for you that angels can materialize,” I grumbled as I dusted myself off. I soon noticed Tallis leaning against the remains of a large tree that was about twenty feet from us. He didn’t say anything when he pushed away from the tree and continued down the pathway. I took another deep breath and Bill and I followed him.
Although a trail ran between the blackened trees, it was difficult to follow, given how dark the forest was. Speaking of the trees, the farther we walked, the larger they became. They were still dark with the color of death, their branches not having seen a leaf in who knew how long? But they were, nonetheless, immense. They dominated the never ending night sky. As we came around a bend in the path, a structure suddenly loomed before us.
“Is that the tavern?” Bill asked Tallis who was now ahead of us in his customary distance of only six feet.
“Aye,” Tallis answered, his first words since starting this last trek of our tour.
The tavern looked like something you’d see in Shakespearean England. It was Tudor-style with a steeply pitched, thatched roof, and cobblestones covering the walls on the first floor. The second floor overhung the first and the black and white timber/plaster construction was reminiscent of Elizabeth I. The tall, mullioned windows and high chimney as well as the sign that hung over the front door which featured a carved glass of ale made it feel like we’d just traveled backward in time.
As soon as the image of the carved glass of ale registered with me, I turned to face Bill and glanced down at his wrist, focusing on his alcohol monitor. I wasn’t exactly sure how the thing worked—if it alerted Afterlife Enterprises whenever Bill was simply around alcohol or if he actually had to ingest some. But what I did know was that I didn’t care to find out.
“We are here,” Tallis announced when he marched up to the front door, which was already slightly ajar. After pulling the door farther open and without waiting for us, Tallis walked inside.
“Time to get this show on the road,” Bill announced with a big smile as he slapped his hands together and proceeded forward, looking excited.
“You realize, don’t you, Bill, that you can’t drink anything alcoholic?” I asked, as I followed him into the bizarre establishment.
Inside, it was nearly standing room only. Not being a huge place—maybe four hundred square feet in total, it was very much alive with people drinking, singing, and in general, appearing to have a good time. The floor was uneven cobblestones, but the ceiling boasted hardwood plank flooring that had to be at least a few hundred years old. There were roughly hewn pine tables and chairs set up around the perimeter of the room, although the center of the room was unoccupied. Well, with furniture anyway. It was peppered by a few couples “dancing,” if you could call it that. Truthfully, all of them appeared to be at some level of inebriation, and the men kept clawing at the women, who I later decided were the tavern wenches. Their hiked-up skirts and plunging necklines, flashing their immense breasts, which were often hanging out, were my first clue.
Tallis was already seated at the bar at the far end of the tavern. Bill strode up
to him and pulled out a wooden stool, while I was just a few steps behind. Once he was seated, Bill looked up at me and shook his head, appearing perturbed. “If I have just one drink, it ain’t gonna be a big deal, Butter Nipples,” he announced.
I shook my head and stood beside him because every other stool was already occupied. “If you drink anything, that monitor will go off,” I said as I motioned to the slim, black band around his wrist.
“’Twill not work in here,” Tallis stated as he held up his hand to get the bartender’s attention.
“What do you mean, it won’t work?” I inquired.
Tallis shrugged when the bartender, who was a stocky man with a bald head and thick glasses, approached him. “The sixteen-year-old Lagavulin,” Tallis told him. The bartender didn’t reply, but simply nodded and walked away. Tallis faced me and said, “We are oot o’ range fer anythin’ belongin’ ta Afterlife Enterprises ta work.”
“Snap!” Bill said as he nodded and grinned up at me. “So we’ve discovered one damned good thing about this crappy ass forest!”
But I shook my head at him. “I don’t care,” I said with a frown at Bill. “You’re an alcoholic. You shouldn’t even be in here.” Scanning the room again and the myriad drunk people, I spotted one of the couples on the dance floor now caught in a heated embrace. The woman’s loosely fitted blousy shirt fell off her right shoulder and exposed one of her large, but very droopy, breasts. I faced Bill again. “This is just a bad idea.”
“Shit, you gotta live a little, nips,” Bill responded, shaking his head in defiance. “We just went to hell an’ back an’ if that ain’t cause for a drink, I don’t know what is!”
