by HP Mallory
I looked over at Tallis, and soon found myself admiring him. Physically, Tallis was extremely intimidating. At nearly seven feet tall, the guy was almost as broad and could only be compared to a wall. Well, that is, if the wall was the most chiseled and muscular wall you could ever imagine. Wearing nothing more than a dark blue and purple kilt, he was somehow regal in his near nudity. Even though Tallis’s body was, no doubt, the first thing women noticed about him, it was his face that always captivated me and kept me spellbound.
Tallis was a very good-looking man, but I couldn’t consider him “handsome” because that word was entirely too feminine to describe him. There was nothing soft or innocent about Tallis’s face. Instead, his was the face of a warrior. A courageous fighter, he was also a survivor, as substantiated by the huge scar that bisected his cheek. Running from the tip of one eyebrow and ending at his jawline, it once was very obvious to me. Now, however, after knowing Tallis for as long as I had, his scar never even registered in my mind. All I found in the broad planes of his face were his square, chiseled jaw and his high cheekbones. They were even more accentuated by his hair, which was as black as his heavy eyebrows and very short. The olive tone of his skin contrasted nicely with his midnight blue eyes.
“Are ye hoongry, lass?” Tallis asked in his heavy Scottish brogue. It was the second time he’d asked me this question in the last twenty minutes or so. He continued to stand there, looking strangely uncomfortable as he loomed above me.
“Yes,” I admitted before inhaling deeply. I wondered if things between Tallis and me would mellow out or continue to be so uncomfortable and strained. The problem was a lack of communication. I wanted to start a conversation … but not in front of Bill. Yes, I thought about excusing ourselves, but when I remembered that Tallis wasn’t much of a talker, I assumed he would try to avoid having anything that resembled a conversation at all costs.
“Then let’s get this show on the road, Tido!” Bill called out cheerily. Slapping his thigh, he started rubbing his back against the trunk of the hulled out tree, trying to scratch an itch. “Before the damn fire goes out,” he added while inclining his head in the direction of the fire Tallis ignited only moments earlier.
Tallis’s only response was a nod at me before turning on the heels of his “Jesus shoes” as Bill affectionately termed them, and disappearing into the blackened remains of the forest. That was the other thing about the Dark Wood—nothing could live in it for very long. That was excluding, of course, the nightmarish creatures that called it their home. As far as trees, grass and any other plant life were concerned, there was none, since photosynthesis was impossible.
“You know, you might try being a little more polite when you address Tallis again,” I advised Bill as I glanced over at him, raising my eyebrows in an expression of disapproval. Pulling myself further up the fur pelt, which Tallis had laid out for me, I pressed my back firmly against the tree trunk behind me and planted myself there. But even such a small movement exhausted me. Barely forty-eight hours ago, I’d had a close call with death that I’d scarcely escaped.
I’d been bitten by a Hanuush demon while traveling in the fourth level of the Underground City. The bite of such a demon was renowned for inflicting a painful death on its victims. Luckily for me, though, I didn’t become another statistic. Instead, I was fortunate to receive antivenom from the Master of the Underground City, which saved my life.
Now, you can probably see why I was understandably exhausted.
Bill faced me with a penetrating glare. “I don’t give a flyin’ shit about Conan an’ his damn feelin’s!” he grumbled at me.
“Bill,” I started, but he adamantly shook his head.
“Do I gotta remind you that Conan the Dickarian agreed to turn you over to Alaire?!” Conan was another one of Bill’s pet-names for Tallis, along with Bubba, Tido, He-Man and Asshole.
“I’m very aware of that, Bill,” I replied, too tired to lose my temper. Alaire was the Master of the Underground City and as shady a character as they came. I’d never understood why, but Alaire harbored a bizarre fascination with me. Tallis surmised his enthrallment was for my innocence and his lecherous interest in perverting it. As far as I was concerned, I hoped to never find out. “Although Tallis might have initially intended to turn me over to Alaire, you know as well as I do that he refused to go through with it,” I argued. “Which is why I’m sitting here right now, having this scintillating conversation with you.”
Bill shook his head, heaving his stomach up and down with what I could only imagine was indignation. “So what if he couldn’t go through with it?” he argued. “Don’t you think Bubba pretending to be our bro while planning to pass you over to Alaire is bullshit?! And all just soze he could go an’ kill himself?” He started to shake his head. “I’ll tell you what, I’m about to save him the effort! I’ll do the job myself!”
Bill hadn’t exactly gotten all of the details right. It was true that Tallis had made a deal with Alaire, whereby Tallis was supposed to bring me to Alaire and leave me in his charge. In return, Alaire was to provide Tallis with absolution. Tallis requested absolution in order to be freed from the warrior spirit, Donnchadh, who possessed him. Donnchadh was the reason for Tallis’s immortality. Without his presence inside Tallis, Tallis would be vulnerable and would die … just like every other mortal.
“The point is, Bill,” I began, hoping to enlighten my guardian angel, “that Tallis did the right thing in the end.”
“Just ’cause Tido decided to go all breakin’ good on us don’t mean he gets my vote!” Bill yelled at me. “Freakin’ hardcore asshole goes all goody-goody, but that don’t mean shit in my books. Next, he’ll be volunteerin’ at the soup kitchen an’ pickin’ the kids up from school!”
“Since I have no clue what kids you’re talking about,” I replied in as even-keeled a tone as I could muster, “may I remind you that I could have taken the same hard line with you that you’re adopting with Tallis, and where would that have gotten us?”
“You? Take a hard line with me?” Bill doubled back on himself, looking affronted, while adding, “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”
“Should I remind you that it was due to your own failing that I even became a Soul Retriever in the first place?” I asked. No, I really didn’t want or intend to play that card, but at the time, it seemed justified. Furthermore, arguing with Bill wasn’t a pastime I could enjoy by any stretch, so I had to bust out the big guns.
Actually, it was Bill’s fault that I’d been killed in a car accident a couple of months ago. Had he been paying more attention to me instead of seducing some tramp, I might still be alive today. Not that I wasn’t alive now, I was, but I was making my life in a completely different body, living in a different country and doing a completely different job. All because of my guardian angel, Bill.
Because Bill was employed by Afterlife Enterprises (AE), the company responsible for dispatching the recently dead either to the Kingdom or the Underground City, they were the ones ultimately responsible for my untimely fate. The manager of Afterlife Enterprises, Jason Streethorn, negotiated at length with me to avoid yet another afterlife lawsuit. Apparently, due to a general lack of violation enforcement, this sort of thing wasn’t as uncommon as it should have been.
My only other option was spending the next hundred years in a place called Shade. Shade was a holding area for souls waiting to move on to the Kingdom. That might not sound so bad, but to me, Shade would have been a personal hell. Why? Because Shade just existed in mundane blandness. It was neither a good place to be, nor a bad place. It just was a place. While there was nothing you had to fear, you also had nothing to enjoy or look forward to. Faced with one hundred years, day in and day out, of the same boring, monotonous existence, of course I’d immediately opted to live again. But as with most things, so too with Afterlife Enterprises: be careful what you ask for …
Due to a simple computer glitch in Afterlife Enterprises’ computer system during Y2K
, a good number of souls that were meant to go to the Kingdom erroneously ended up in the Underground City, and vice versa. The response by Afterlife Enterprises was a special team called “Soul Retrievers” whose only responsibility was relocating souls to their proper destinations. That’s where I unwittingly found myself …
When I was offered the chance to live again, it came with a few non-negotiable conditions. The first demanded that I select a new body. That was probably the only part of the whole afterlife experience that I’d actually enjoyed. Having always considered myself rather unattractive and dumpy, I wanted to be an absolute knockout. I’d opted for a body that was tall and slender with large, natural breasts. As far as my new face went, I had dark red hair, green eyes, full lips and a pert, upturned nose.
That was the only part of my metamorphosis I truly savored. The next two conditions were nearly impossible to accept. The worst was vowing to never seek out any of my former family members or friends. That was tough on me. But despite how close I’d always been to my mother, I rationalized that it was necessary. The pain of losing family and friends was, at times, unbearable; but I did the only thing I could to survive. I shoved my harsh reality into the furthest recesses of my mind and decided to only live and focus on the here and now.
The final condition was becoming a Soul Retriever. The deal that was presented to me was that I would have to retrieve ten souls, and then I could bypass Shade and travel on to the Kingdom. Backed into a corner, I agreed, only to discover my job was to retrieve souls in the Underground City, basically a euphemistic name for hell. And I was given Bill, my guardian “angel,” as my tour guide.
“My failing?” Bill repeated, theatrically assuming the role of the injured party. “I’m like this close,” he started, holding up his chubby forefinger and thumb so that a tiny sliver of air could be seen between them, “to tellin’ you to go now an’ find your silence.”
“I won’t find my silence until I say what needs to be said,” I retorted with a pronounced nod.
“Then cut the longversation an’ git to the point!” Bill growled.
Clearing my throat, I scowled at him. I wanted to let him know I wasn’t pleased with his reaction. “As my guardian angel, you failed to notice the car accident that ended up killing me. So, technically, my case is proven: it’s your fault that I’m in this predicament in the first place!”
“Well, tut-tut, bubble butt! It ain’t like this has been a fun trip to the strip clubs for me either!” Bill railed back, and his round eyes bulged so much, I almost worried he was choking on something. Almost. “You, Miss Self-Righteous, were the dumbass who signed us up to rescue souls in the freakin’ Underground City! I had not-a-damn-thing to do with that!”
“I didn’t realize I was signing us up for the Underground!” I contested. “But, either way, it didn’t matter. It was that or a hundred years in Shade!”
“Soze the hells what?” he countered, and his eyes got so wide, it looked like he’d parted ways with his sanity. “So we woulda had ourselves a little downtime in Shade! So what!? Shit, girl, we coulda been sippin’ four o’clock tea an’ workin’ on our freakin’ tans!” He threw his hands in the air and shook his head at me. “Damn me! I’d much rather be doin’ that than feelin’ like I’m constantly gonna shit myself ’cause of all these fucked-up monsters we keep runnin’ into!”
“Shade wouldn’t have been like that and you know it,” I interjected.
“No, I don’t know that! Not that it matters, though, ’cause you had to go an’ be a hero, so now I’m spendin’ most my time in this hate forest. Not to mention, I’ve got permanent skeeter tinnitus.”
“You’ve got what?”
Ramming his index finger into his ear, he made an exaggerated motion of moving it around before he plucked it back out again. “I got this permanent ringin’ in my ears ’cause I’m so damn freaked out that real skeeters are gonna start tormentin’ me.”
“Really, Bill?” I asked, shaking my head. I frowned just to let him know how completely absurd he sounded.
“Yeah, really! It’s been nothin’ but a sadventure since I showed up on your doorstep in Edinburgs. And that’s another thing!” Throwing his hands up into the air again, he looked like he’d just thought of a long forgotten punch line. “You get the chance to pick anywhere to live, an’ you freakin’ choose the icebox!” Shaking his head like it was all a big travesty, he added, “Scotland? Really? A place no one’s ever even heard of!”
“Is that the full extent of your grievances?”
“No!” he yelled back. “No way! I’m just getting started!” Then he took a deep breath, glaring at me while his nostrils flared like a bull about to charge.
“Well, just keep on keeping on,” I said as I rolled my hand casually to dismiss him.
“So I’m forced to throw my lot in with yours an’ meanwhile you got the brown touch where everything you touch turns to shit!”
I couldn’t argue that one, so I didn’t even bother trying.
“An’ then there’s freakin’ Tido!” Bill ranted, his pitch rising. “He’s got you so dickmatized that you can’t even see what an a-hole he is! Not to mention how freakin’ old he is! You’re basically robbin’ the grave!”
“Being immortal, I doubt you can actually call him old …” I reasoned, but Bill refused to pay attention.
“An’ meanwhile, all I’ve gotta look forward to is bein’ friends with penalties!” he finished, glaring at me as his chest rose and fell with his belabored breathing.
“Um, what?” I asked, unable to conceal the smile from my face. Bill was definitely the most dramatic person I’d ever met.
“Y’know … Friends. With. Penalties,” he repeated in a duh tone. “You an’ me doin’ everythin’ except sex. Oh, what a lucky man am I!”
“Really, Bill?” I replied, while wondering what went on in the grey matter between his ears.
“Yeah, really!” he roared back at me. “Let’s talk about my needs! Remember me? What about my status quo, yo? I ain’t had a girlfriend in … let’s see, oh, yeah, since forever.” I wondered if he’d ever had a girlfriend, but decided not to inquire. Instead, I watched his gaze drop to the ground and a sad expression filled his face as he went quiet for a few seconds, looking crestfallen and pensive. Then he popped his head back up and glanced at me as if he’d forgotten something. “Oh, and I also have sticky sackitis.”
I didn’t bother asking him to explain since I figured the term must’ve had something to do with sweaty balls—a condition that didn’t interest me in the slightest.
“I’m sorry to hear all of that, Bill,” I said, wondering how we’d managed to get so far off topic. “And I fully understand why you would be upset.”
“My life has been extremely unsatisfyin’ lately,” he lamented as he shook his head and looked even more pathetic, if that were possible.
“I’m sure things will improve soon,” I said, even though I didn’t mean it. Nothing in my life had been what I considered easy over the last few months. However, I was never one to bemoan bad luck. No, instead, I was still trying to fight my way back to the original topic. “But my point in all of this is that it’s important to forgive and forget. I’ve forgiven you for letting me die and …”
“An’ I should forgive you for ruinin’ my life,” he interrupted with a deep sigh. “Fine. Done. You’re forgiven.”
I nodded, trying to avoid another argument. “Thank you for that,” I said with as sincere a smile as I could plaster on my tired face.
“An’ I’m sorry for blowin’ my thought wad,” he continued. “Guess I had a lot that had to get out.”
“It’s okay,” I said with a smile. “Speaking of forgiveness, though, I think it’s only fair if you forgive Tallis.”
He inhaled deeply, giving me an expression that said he was finding my comment difficult to digest. “You gotta know how protective I am of you, nips,” he announced.
“I know you are, Bill, and I really, truly ap
preciate it. But, trust me, Tallis is not the enemy.”
He nodded, but looked like he was lost in his own thoughts. A few seconds later, though, he brought his eyes back to mine. “Okay, fine,” he said. “I’ll forgive Sasquatch, but only ’cause you’re askin’ me to.”
“Thank you, Bill,” I said with a smile. My instantaneous relief went all the way down to my toes.
He nodded. “I must say, however, that you need to seriously think o’ goin’ through a sexorcism to get over him. Maybe start bangin’ a new guy so you can cut the apron strings you still have tied to Tido.”
“Thanks for the advice,” I said, not bothering to inform him that I still hadn’t had sex with Tallis … or anyone else for that matter.
Bill failed to respond when the stomping of footsteps sounded just in front of us. Moments later, Tallis unexpectedly emerged from between two gnarled, broken tree trunks. Without looking at either one of us, he held up the bloody carcass of some poor beast that defied classification.
Bill eyed the gory thing with unmasked disgust, bordering on abhorrence. “Turn down for lunch,” he grumbled.
“Between the torments and the city wall...”
- Dante’s Inferno
TWO
By now, I knew not to ask what type of species we were eating. In the Dark Wood, it was always best not to know. Instead, I chowed down on what looked and tasted surprisingly like beef, while my companions did the same. No one said a word; the only sounds in the otherwise still air were the crackling and popping of the blazing fire.
I noticed that Tallis kept his eyes trained on the horizon in front of him. Every so often, he glanced to his left and then to his right. He was sitting directly across from Bill and me, so I figured our duty was to keep watch on the forest behind him. He propped my sword beside me and his was lying on the dirt adjacent to his left thigh. Bill didn’t have a sword because, as an angel, he didn’t need to protect himself. Angels couldn’t be harmed or killed. They were sort of like spirits in that regard, although Bill told me he wasn’t supposed to get any of the “Underground City stuff” on him, whatever that meant.
