by HP Mallory
“You both were naked?” Bill interrupted, his eyebrows pointing to the center of his face. “Were you doin’ the nasty?”
I opted to ignore him and continued focusing on Tallis because I wanted answers. “What did it mean?” I repeated the question.
Tallis opened his eyes and stared at me for a few seconds. His gaze was so penetrating, it felt like he could see right through me. “Ah dinnae know,” he answered.
“Thou who through the city of fire goest alive...”
- Dante’s Inferno
FIVE
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” I demanded, not at all happy with the fact that Tallis was purporting not to know what the vision meant. He didn’t respond, and wouldn’t even look at me, but charged back through the river and up the crest of the embankment. He seemed like a man on a mission, which was to get as far away from me as possible. I wondered if he intended to stop and wait for Bill and me or not.
“Tallis!” I yelled after his fast retreating figure.
He wheeled around to face me finally, holding his lips tight. “How else would ye like meh tae say it, lass?” he asked as he glared at me. “Ah have nae explanation fer whatever ’twas ye saw.”
“What I saw?” I repeated, shaking my head. “You mean what we both saw!”
“Ah am still nae convinced we each saw the same thing,” he argued haughtily.
“Why does my better judgment doubt that?” I rebutted as Tallis turned his back on me again. Then he rubbed the nape of his neck as he always did when he was frustrated while muttering something unintelligible. I figured he was probably speaking in his native Gaelic tongue, not that it really mattered. After another few seconds, he started forward again.
“What’s wrong with Tido?” Bill asked me, frowning at Tallis who continued walking ahead of us.
“Who knows?” I replied. I figured I should get back onto my feet. It took me a few seconds to flip around from where I’d been lying on my stomach so I was on my back again and facing the dark sky. Once I managed to roll over, I heaved myself upward and into a sitting position. I had to catch my breath because even such a small amount of exertion took its toll on me.
“Pro’lly cause he’s had to be mabstinent this whole time,” Bill said with a shrug as we watched Tallis steadily widening his distance from us.
“What?” I asked, still fighting to catch my breath. I hated feeling so exhausted.
“Dude’s had to abstain from masturbating!” Bill translated before he started shaking his head. “But, shit, Conan needs to like get over it, yo! Just look what a hell of a long time it’s been since I got to service the account! And ya don’t see me actin’ like a little bitch about it!”
“Somehow, I don’t think that’s what’s wrong with him, Bill,” I answered.
“Well, how the hell could you know?” he snapped, throwing his hands on his hips. “It’s not like you could even begin to understand what it’s like to own a freakin’ demandin’, insistent penis.”
“You’re right,” I said immediately, seeking an immediate end to the conversation. “I know nothing about it.” Thank God.
I perched my sword in front of me, the blade poking into the dirt, and used it as a crutch. Then inhaling the biggest breath I could manage, I heaved myself onto my feet. I had to struggle just to maintain my balance.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tallis watching me. He muttered something to himself and approached me, looking irritated all the while. Leaning down into a semi-squatting position, he gathered me into his arms, bridal style, and stood up. I looped my arms around his neck and reflexively leaned into him. The smell of his skin was as seductive as any aphrodisiac—nothing cloying or chemical-smelling. No, Tallis smelled like the richest earth, combined with the trees and the air that surrounded his cabin on the periphery of the Dark Wood. That was the only place where wildlife actually thrived. I leaned my head against his massive chest and snuggled into him, grateful for his huge arms as he wrapped them around me.
I always felt so safe in his embrace. He was like a massive, impenetrable bulwark. I tightened my hold around his neck and inhaled his scent as deeply into my lungs as I could. In response, I felt his breath catch as his posture suddenly turned rigid, and I immediately realized my mistake.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I lifted my head up and released my arms from around his neck.
“Lass,” he started, but soon swallowed the rest of his comment.
“I already know,” I said with a quick and embarrassed smile. “I make you uncomfortable and nothing can happen between us,” I quoted him pedantically. I was so beyond exasperated where Tallis was concerned. With sad resignation, I sighed out all my frustration and just figured the situation was what it was, and nothing could change it. And the sooner I accepted that reality, the better. “It’s okay—I get it.”
“Nae, ye dinnae fully oonderstand, lass …”
“What the frickin’ hell is that?” Bill yelled from where he followed behind us, and Tallis immediately turned around. Bill didn’t say anything, but simply pointed toward the river.
I followed the direction of his finger and immediately spotted the large shape sticking out of the middle of the river. It was spherical and looked like a very large egg. Except it had to be at least five feet tall. Unlike a chicken’s egg, though, it was a dark purplish-black, and the texture looked almost leathery. It bobbed in the dark water for a few seconds before floating toward the bank.
“Looks like we’re gonna be eatin’ omelets an’ scrambled eggs for the next few months,” Bill said as he rubbed his stomach and looked at Tallis optimistically.
“Somehow, I doubt we’ll want to eat that,” I answered. As soon as I replied, the object reached the shore. When it rolled onto the surface of the mud, it started to shake, as if whatever lay inside were wrestling to come out. A hairline crack appeared from the top of the sphere and soon ran down to its center.
Tallis immediately placed me back on my feet and took a few steps in front of me, pulling his sword from the scabbard across his chest. Narrowing his glare at Bill, who stood off to my right, maybe ten feet away, he ordered, “Ye will watch over Besom.” Then he whirled around again and looked directly at me. “Ye keep yer sword by ye a-tall times; an’ dae yer best ta wield it, should the need arise.”
“Okay,” I said with a quick nod. My heart started to slam against my ribs as I tightened my hold around my sword. Bill dutifully approached me while Tallis returned his attention to the strange orb in the river. I did the same. “What is it?” I asked.
“Ah dinnae know,” he answered as he held his sword up high and took a few steps towards the river. “Boot Ah am bettin’ ’tis nae friend.”
“Ya think it’s eatable?” Bill inquired as I nailed him with a discouraging glance.
“Ah dinnae know,” Tallis repeated, not bothering to look back. Instead, he kept his gaze trained on the object before us.
I did the same and noticed the egg was still quaking, and the fracture spanning the length of it was rapidly becoming deeper and wider. A few seconds passed by before a chunk of the leathery shell broke away and dropped into the mud below. I heard Bill’s gasp when a hand pushed through the opening. The hand, like the shell, was also a very dark purple; but aside from the color, it looked remarkably human. The creature jutted out its forearm before the entire length of its upper arm came fully out of the shell. Huge, thornlike horns poked out from the sides of its arm. It continued to break through the confines of its shell, revealing a shoulder that was also covered with spikes.
“I think I’ll revise my dinner plans,” Bill announced as he glanced over at me and frowned sourly.
The shell of the egg began to chip away on the opposite side as the creature frantically struggled to free itself. Seconds later, it punched its right arm out and buried its hand into the mud of the embankment. The shell started to shake even more violently until the whole top split apart as the entire spinal column of the thing inside
emerged. Thorns ran down the length of its spine, becoming ever more prominent as the creature arched itself upward. I could see the underside of its belly, which resembled that of a turtle. It busted one leg through the shell and then the other, revealing humanlike feet attached to overly muscular and swollen thighs that were also covered with sharp spikes.
“Okay, kittens, I’m about to shit my pants, so why don’t the three of us make like a tree and get the hells outta here?” Bill asked, his attention resting on the quiet Scotsman.
“Ah dinnae wanna take any chances,” Tallis responded, his attention strictly fastened on the creature.
“Right! Neither do I, an’ that’s why I’m sayin’ we needs to make our exit, like yesterday,” Bill argued. “As in right now!”
“It would merely follow oos,” Tallis answered as he shook his head. “’Tis betta tae meet the monster head oan.”
“Ya gotta be fist-fuckin’ me,” Bill replied in disbelief, his tone hinting at his combined awe and overwhelming fear. “This is like watchin’ the evolution of fugly ass species.”
The entire egg fell away from the creature until only its head was left concealed. With a vehement shake, the rest of the shell dropped and the thing was finally hatched for all to see.
“Ah!” Bill cried, shaking his head, when the hatchling looked directly at us. Its face looked faintly human. It had two eyes and a prominent mouth, but no nose. Truly, its mouth was more like a snout, and shaped almost like a cat’s. Underneath its eyes, the bones protruded into spikes and resembled a horned lizard. Its cranial area was much more pronounced than a human’s, and it almost looked as if its head were splitting apart beneath its leathery skin.
“It looks like it’s half man and half something else,” I whispered, and the sound of my own voice seemed suddenly foreign and strange to me.
The creature immediately stood up on its legs and turned toward me. Staring at me with huge, alien eyes that glowed purple; when it blinked, an inner, black eyelid eclipsed the pupil.
“I don’t think it likes you, nips,” Bill whispered before taking a few small steps until he was directly in front of me. He held his hands up as if the thing were a cop, ready to bust him. “It’s givin’ you the bitch face.”
“I think that’s just its face, Bill,” I managed to reply.
The hideous creature opened its mouth and made a horrible hissing sound; and seconds later, it leapt straight into the air, probably a good ten feet high. It landed with a loud thud directly in front of Tallis, who readied his sword, if it decided to attack him. But it didn’t act as if it even knew he was standing there. Instead, it kept its eyes trained on me.
“Yer ah bloody oogly son oove ah bitch!” Tallis railed, obviously trying to draw its attention from me.
The creature turned to face Tallis and reared back, like a threatened spider. It dropped its head down onto its chest and raised its arms while pivoting on its toes until it was fully facing him. Then it hissed again.
“Aye, come fer meh,” Tallis egged it on, his tone of voice level and seemingly unconcerned. He circled around the thing once, and then stood still, his feet shoulder-width apart.
The creature opened its mouth and a long, black tongue rolled slowly out of it. The tongue lifted into the air and paused for a few seconds, as if it were a snake, catching the scent of something. Then it immediately turned its attention back to Bill and me. Clearly, it wasn’t interested in Tallis.
“Dude, or dudette, we don’t want no trouble,” Bill said as he held his hands a little higher, ostensibly so the creature, which didn’t appear to understand, could see that he was unarmed. “We was just on our way lookin’ fer the road outta this screwed up, hate forest. We’re just a couple of lost travelers, ya know? Soze we’ll just be on our way again, an’ outta yours so you can go back to doin’ whatever you … purple-horned-things like to do.”
The creature cocked its head to the side like a curious dog. It studied Bill for a few seconds as its tongue recoiled into its mouth.
“Keep talking to it, Bill,” I whispered. “I think it likes your voice.” Well, that is, if the whole tongue-recoiling were any indication.
Bill nodded as he centered his attention on the creature again. “I get that ya got species dysphoria, dude,” he started and the creature looked right at him, only cocking its head to the other side as it studied him. “Seein’ as how you look kinda like a man, you pro’lly feel like you’re trapped in the body of the wrong species, an’ I get that, man, I really do,” Bill continued while taking another tentative step in front of me. “It’s gotta be tough when ya look sorta semi-human but mostly just ugly.”
“That’s good, Bill,” I encouraged him because it seemed the creature wasn’t as testy as it appeared a few seconds ago. It seemed like its stance was even a bit more relaxed … Or maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.
“I’m runnin’ outta stuff to talk about,” Bill whispered to me from the side of his mouth.
“Just talk to it about anything! It’s not attacking us, so consider that a good thing,” I said. When I glanced over at Tallis, he was definitely showing surprise. Since he didn’t make any attempts to kill the thing, I figured he probably agreed with me.
Bill nodded before facing the creature again. “So, yeah, you’re like semi-human, right?” he asked. “That’s cool, bro,” he continued. “The bad news is you got totally walloped by the ugly stick. I mean, dude! You got like so beat down!” I watched Bill’s head drop as he glanced at the creature’s loin area. “An’ it looks like you’re also missin’ a dick,” he added, shaking his head in apparent sympathy. “I can’t even begin to imagine how much that sucks.” He shook his head even harder as he sighed. “A dude without a dick …” Then he suddenly interjected, “Unless you ain’t no dude! Is that it? You just look bad enuff to be a dude, but yer really just a chick trapped in a dude’s ugly body!”
The creature’s eyes narrowed and it made that horrible hissing sound again before opening its mouth and rolling its tongue out again. This time, the tongue oscillated back and forth in the air, looking like a cobra in front of a snake charmer.
“Say something nice to it!” I whispered to Bill while gripping his upper arm. My biggest fear was that creature could somehow detect that Bill was making fun of it. I didn’t know how that were possible, but since I’d died and started retrieving souls in the Underground City, I’d stopped asking what was or wasn’t possible anymore.
“That’s cool though, dudella, ’cause you’re still aces with me,” Bill gushed, nodding again as the creature speared him with its vacant gaze and then opened its mouth again and hissed. In response, Bill jumped about an inch or so and backed up, stepping right onto my foot.
“Keep going,” I whispered as I ignored the momentary pain in my toes. The last thing I wanted was for Bill to pay attention to anything other than our frightening acquaintance.
“Okay, okay,” he said out of the corner of his mouth before facing the creature again with a deep breath. “Yeah, so … I get that you’re down on your luck an’ livin’ the thug life,” Bill rambled on. He forced out a laugh, which sounded completely nervous. “I feel your nuts, yo.” Then he shrugged. “If, in fact, you got ’em.”
The creature hissed again and took a few steps toward us as Bill backed up, right onto my other foot. He turned his head to the side and whispered to me: “I don’t think it likes what I’m sayin’; maybe it took the dick comment too seriously.” His voice sounded panicked. “Why don’t you try talking to it! I’m runnin’ outta material!”
“It liked you before!” I whispered back while patting him on the shoulder to console him. “Just continue talking nicely to it and stop acting like you’re scared. It’s probably got a sixth sense like a dog and knows when you’re nervous.”
“A dog?” Bill repeated. His jaw dropped open as he gaped at me from the corner of his eye. “That thing is nothing like a dog!”
“Just talk nicely to it!” I insisted.
Bill didn’t say anything more to me, but turned back to the creature. “Maybe you’d benefit from, ya know, something like a makeover, yo,” he said. “Maybe they could like sand down your horns a little bit so they aren’t so damn sharp? Then you could like buff yourself all over so you’re all shiny an’ shit? I’m sure chicks an’ dicks would totally dig you then!”
The creature took another few steps toward us, slowly lowering its chin and keeping its gaze locked on us. It hissed again, then squatted down low before jumping a good twelve feet, straight up into the sky. It landed barely a foot or so in front of Bill.
“Fuuuck!” Bill squealed as he nearly doubled over on top of me.
The creature opened its mouth and jerked its head back before lurching forward. Something fluorescent green, globular, and wet flew out of its mouth, missing Bill’s face by scarcely inches. The loogie, for lack of a better word, splatted against the trunk of a tree behind us and seemed to attach itself to the bark. Then it started to bubble up and appeared to be growing, easily tripling in size. As I watched in abject horror, the gooey mass of snot-like material began to dissolve the trunk of the long dead tree.
“Kill it!” Bill yelled at Tallis who was already behind the creature and swinging his sword toward it.
The thing turned around in record time and hissed at Tallis, before pulling its head back to spit another wad of horrible globule at him. But Tallis was quick on his feet and easily dodged it. He pivoted on his toes in a matter of seconds and heaved his sword up high in the air, before bringing it down on the creature, just as the thing lurched out of the way.
“Oh God!” I heard myself exclaim as I watched Tallis cleaving the creature’s arm right off. The thing wailed out in pain as the fluorescent green … blood, or so I figured it was, starting spurting from its wound and pooling on the ground beneath it. Strangely enough, the earth seemed to swallow the creature’s blood immediately and, soon, there was no trace of it at all.
