The Lily Harper 8 Book Boxed Set

by HP Mallory

  “Aye, ’tis because he wants somethin’ from ye,” Tallis confirmed with a nod of his head. “From now oan, ye willnae be dealin’ with Alaire on yer own. Ah will handle him fer ye.”

  “Well, I’m hoping neither of us will have to deal with him for much longer,” I said before taking a deep breath. This conversation was about to get even more painful.

  “Yer point, Besom?” he inquired as he eyed me with visible reserve.

  “I think my logic is worth testing,” I announced. Nodding for emphasis, I tried to talk my heart into beating at a more reasonable pace.

  “Whit logic is worth testin’?”

  Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself this was merely a scientific conversation that we were engaged in. I was simply searching for an easy solution to a problem known as Alaire’s fascination with me. There was nothing personal about any of this at all. I had no reason for bringing it up other than to solve my problem. And. That. Was. It.

  “Whit logic, lass?” he demanded again.

  “Having sex with another man to extricate myself from this crush that Alaire carries for me,” I testily replied, spitting the words out.

  “Whit man?” Tallis growled, his features taking on a definite dark tone while his entire body seemed to go stiff.

  “Any man,” I answered with a shrug. I suddenly feared I could pass out. “I don’t think the identity of the man really matters.”

  “O’ course the man’s identity matters!”

  Shaking my head, I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm my sporadic heart rate.

  Remember, Lily, I told myself, this is all about logic and problem-solving. There’s nothing personal about it.

  “The man’s identity doesn’t matter because he’s just a tool! A means to an end. The point is more about me losing my chastity and thereby removing me from Alaire’s interest.”

  “Ah dinnae like the sound o’ this a-tall,” he answered, shaking his head emphatically. He set me back on my feet and crossed his arms over his chest while regarding me glumly.

  “It makes total sense though, Tallis,” I argued. I wanted to prove it to myself, since I figured this was the only way that I might emerge from my predicament. “If it means that Alaire will get over this weird crush, then I’m all for it.”

  “Which man are ye talkin’ aboot?” he asked again, his eyes narrowing into slits. Even so, I didn’t miss the darkness in their depths. It soon became pretty apparent that this conversation was seriously upsetting him.

  “No one in particular,” I answered evasively. “Any man will do.”

  “Well, ye moost have someone in mind, lass,” he argued, shaking his head. “One doesnae come oop with sooch ah plan with nae ah partner in her mind tae perform sooch an act!”

  “I didn’t have anyone in mind, Tallis! Honest!” I said in a louder voice. I hoped my increased volume would convince him that I was telling the truth. “It was just an idea I had, okay? I thought I could yank out the root of this problem with Alaire.”

  “Ah dinnae believe ye,” he ground out.

  “Well … well, I don’t care if you don’t believe me!” I yelled in protest. “I’m telling you the truth! It’s not about who my partner is!” I continued, throwing my hands into the air in visible frustration. “It could be you, or Saxon, or any other man!”

  “Saxon?” Tallis repeated, and the fire in his eyes suddenly burned with even more intensity. “Sae ye did have someone in mind, after all?”

  “No, I was just using him as an example,” I replied, shaking my head as I realized I’d just backed myself into a corner.

  “Ye moost have had him in mind ’cause ye brought him oop!”

  Now it was my turn to cross my arms over my chest, so I did just that. “I also mentioned you, in case you didn’t hear me.”

  “Aye, Ah did,” he answered between tightened lips. He continued to glare at me before prying open his mouth and asking, “Does Saxon return this … carnal interest ye have in ’im?”

  “Oh my God!” I said, eyeing the dark night sky. Shaking my head, I could only wonder why men were so difficult.

  “Answer meh, lass,” Tallis insisted.

  “Saxon and I are nothing!” I shouted in no uncertain terms. “I just happened to mention him because he’s the only man, aside from Bill, or Alaire, that you and I both know!”

  “Ahem,” Tallis said while eyeing me like a hawk. Maybe he was trying to read the truth in my body language rather than my words. He continued to brace his arms against his chest as he stared daggers at me. That was when I realized he was jealous. Granted, it took me a little while, but as soon as it dawned on me, I began smiling on the inside.

  So, Tallis was jealous, was he? I was delighted by this small morsel of information and decided to use it to my advantage. I took a deep breath and cocked my head to the side as I shrugged. “But, I guess if Saxon agreed to help me out and was interested in me, I daresay he wouldn’t be the worst choice,” I said, throwing out my comment as casually as I could.

  “Whit!?” Tallis roared. “He would be ah terrible choice fer ye!”

  “Really? And why is that?” I asked, shaking my head as I tried to conceal my smile. “He’s very good looking, funny and, oh yes, very charming. Not to mention how muscular and strong he is too.”

  Tallis immediately shook his head. “Ye willnae convince meh that he is strong, or that he has any trace o’ mooscles! Saxon is naethin’ boot ah Jessie!”

  “A what?”

  “Ah man who looks more like ah woman,” he ground out.

  “You’re trying to say that Saxon is effeminate?” I asked, frowning.

  “Aye,” he answered as he nodded, tightening his hold on his arms, ostensibly so I would notice how his biceps popped out.

  “Saxon has nothing in common with any woman I know,” I argued.

  “Well, he isnae mooscular either,” he carped stubbornly as his eyes narrowed even further. “An whit is more, Ah dinnae troost him!” he said in more of a growl than a human voice.

  “I trust him,” I said. Although it wasn’t exactly the truth.

  “He is naewhere near good enough fer ye!”

  “So who is good enough for me then?”

  Tallis bit his lower lip and appeared to be at a temporary loss for words. Judging by how his chest kept rising and falling, I could tell he was breathing hard. He was also still very upset, made evident by his hands, which were now fists, and his knuckles that were completely white. “Ah dinnae know,” he answered at last, his tone of voice much lower and softer. “Boot whit Ah can tell ye is Saxon isnae him.”

  I expelled a long breath of frustration. Naturally, I’d been hoping Tallis could have stepped up and declared himself the man who should be my first. He was good enough for me and he deserved the honor. But, of course, that would never happen. Tallis remained convinced that he was nowhere near my equal and believed I deserved someone far better than he. Well, and Saxon, too, it seemed.

  “I guess that’s enough about all of this for now,” I said, obviously disheartened, setting out to limp toward our campsite again.

  “The man who deserves tae know ye intimately moost be special,” Tallis said in a voice that was deep, but soothing. I didn’t turn around although I did stop walking. “He moost be a man sooch that can defend ye, boot be kind an’ carin’ with ye. He moost be gentle an’ teach ye what it means tae accept ah man, tae know him sae closely. Ye cannae give yerself tae joost anyone, lass. Ye are tae special fer that.”

  I didn’t turn around to face him right away. Instead, I stood there and stared at the darkness behind the long dead trees. All I could do was imagine the remains of what once was a thriving and beautiful forest. That was long before the despair of the Underground City turned it into the atrocity that I beheld now.

  “The sad part about all of this, Tallis, is that I’ve already met the right man,” I replied. I turned around and focused on him and the haunted look that outlined his pinched expression. “The
man that you just described is standing right in front of me, but he refuses to consider himself as such.”

  I didn’t wait for his response; I already knew what it was going to be. Instead, I hobbled forward, preparing to reunite with Bill and, hopefully, emerge from the Dark Wood sooner rather than later.

  “Fiercely adverse have they been to me...”

  - Dante’s Inferno

  NINE

  Five Days Later

  After eventually returning home to Edinburgh, I slept for three days straight. By the fourth day, my strength and overall well-being were vastly improved, if not altogether restored.

  “I can’t decide what the hell to watch,” Bill announced. He kept flipping through the channels from where he lay sprawled out on the couch, his feet propped up on the ottoman. His T-shirt had ridden all the way up to his man boobs, and his round stomach looked like that of a beached seal. “I’m like, Netflix Bipolar, I swear.”

  “Isn’t it my turn to pick anyway?” I asked from where I sat in my chair beside the couch. When I didn’t get an answer, I turned to face Bill expectantly before my attention shifted to Delilah, who was sitting beside him.

  Delilah Crespo was a fellow Soul Retriever whom Bill and I encountered in the prison, level three of the Underground City. Seeing how it was Delilah’s first mission to the Underground, it came as no surprise that she was less than adequately prepared for the trip. Afterlife Enterprises pretty much sucked when it came to any form of training or job preparation for its new recruits.

  Bill and I first crossed paths with Delilah while she was trying to defend herself against Plutus, a half-man/half-wolf demon. It turned out to be extremely fortunate for her that we did because we’d essentially rescued her from Plutus and the Underground City. Afterwards, having been understandably traumatized, she was grateful for the opportunity to stay at our place while I finished my mission. I was more than happy to let her stay.

  Extending my hand toward Bill, I wordlessly tried to let him know I wanted the remote control back. It was my turn to choose what we would watch next, but he abjectly shook his head and snatched the remote clear out of my reach.

  “No, nips,” he announced with a frown at me. “I hate to break it to you, but you’ve been forever banned from picking shit to watch.”

  “What?” I asked vehemently. “Why?”

  “Because I refuse to sit through another one of your boring-ass shows where everyone’s drinking tea and dressed up like assholes while they talk in weird accents and ride horses! Who the fuck rides horses? No one!” he finished while tightening his grip on the remote.

  “I imagine you’re referring to the BBC’s version of Pride and Prejudice? It just so happens to be a classic, you know.” I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “The BBC can shove it,” he responded. “Whatever the hell that was, it sucked huge cojones!” He finished with a chuckle that undulated through his belly like waves, making his stomach look like it was generating its own tide. Glancing over at Delilah, he elbowed her in the arm and asked, “Don’t you agree, Dee?” before adding, “Like los grandes cojones.”

  Dee just shrugged, suggesting she wasn’t taking sides. “I don’t care what we watch,” she chimed with a happy smile. Then, eyeing both of us before patting Bill on the back, she added, “I’m just so glad to have you both back.”

  “Ah, us too, sugar lips,” Bill said with a broad smile that revealed something green, which was stuck between his front teeth. Gently patting her on the upper thigh before returning his attention to the television, he continued switching through the channels ceaselessly.

  There was no mention as to when Delilah intended to move back into her house in Barcelona, but I wasn’t ready to push it. Truthfully, I didn’t really care how long she stayed with us; and so far, it was working out great. She kept Bill occupied when I lacked the patience as well as the interest to entertain him.

  “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout,” Bill commented as he flicked to the next channel. Delilah and I were visually assaulted at the sight of a man ramming a woman from behind. She was bent over in front of him, and he was growling while she was screaming.

  “Bill!” we both protested at exactly the same time.

  Naturally, he didn’t change the channel. Instead, he cocked his head to the side and studied the television screen as if he were trying to etch it into memory. “Dude’s totally got bull balls!” he declared as the woman’s loud screams drowned out his voice.

  “Bill, change it this instant!” I ordered loudly.

  “No, I’m serious, his balls are like, massive! As in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! And, damn, girlfriends, I’m believin’ what I’m seein’!”

  “Bill!” I screamed again, but was totally ignored. It was all he could do to stare at and study the man’s genitalia.

  “Frickin’ things are totally hung super low too, just like a bull’s! Those things must reach his knees!” he ranted, as if Delilah or I even cared. Then he scrutinized the woman, turning his head in the other direction. “She’s just okay lookin’. Her titties are so small, though, they look like innies,” he added as his smile broadened even wider and he slapped his thigh. “Dude, she’s sansplants!”

  “Bill!” I yelled at him for the third time as Delilah jumped up onto her feet and started for the kitchen, apparently having had enough.

  “Come on!” he howled back at me. “That was a good one! Sansplants! You get it?”

  “Yes, I get it!” I replied before shooting out of my chair and lurching for the power button on the TV. I managed to reach it in record time, thereby saving Delilah and myself any further images of the man with gigantic bull balls (and they really were massive). Thankfully, there was nothing left to ogle, but the calm modesty of a black screen.

  Thank God.

  “Why you gotta be like that?” Bill demanded angrily. Shaking his head, he held the remote control out in front of him, trying to turn the TV on again. However, I purposely blocked it with my body and consequently, the remote wouldn’t work.

  “You, out!” I shouted at him while pointing toward the front door. “You’ve been stuck inside this house since we got back, and you’ve done nothing! It’s time for you to go outside and take a walk! Just do something!”

  “’Fraid not, dude, I suffer from FOGO,” Bill replied, shaking his head. He wrapped his arms around himself and sunk even further into the couch.

  “What’s that?” I demanded.

  “Fear. Of. Going. Out, yo,” he answered with a deep sigh. “It’s a serious condition,” he mumbled as he averted his eyes to the ground, apparently feeling sorry for himself. “It’s right up there with necrophobia, the abnormal fear of dying, which I also suffer from.”

  “Out!” I yelled again while picking up a throw pillow. I swatted his legs with it until he pulled them off the ottoman. “And as to your necrophobia, you can’t die! So what reason could you have to be afraid of something that doesn’t even apply to you!” I finished as I dropped the pillow and reached for his chubby hands, trying to force him to stand up. Bill was so heavy, however, that it was like trying to move a parked car.

  “Dude, come on, nerdlet!” he whined, shaking his head. “Please don’t make me go outside! I just wanna hang out here an’ eat somethin’.”

  “You’ve already consumed everything in this house! We just went grocery shopping a few days ago,” I reminded him as I stood up straight, propping my hands on my hips. Shaking my head at him, I gave him my sternest expression. “You are going to go take a walk and you aren’t coming back for two hours, at least!”

  “Fine!” He dropped the remote on the couch and stood up, glowering at me all the while. “Who died and appointed you Hitler?”

  “Go!” I yelled as I pointed to the front door again.

  “Okay, okay! I’m delazifying! Calm your ass down!” he replied while flashing his hands into the air. He scooted between the ottoman and the couch until he reached the open floor, whe
re he turned to face Delilah. “Dee, where the hell are we gonna go for two hours?”

  “Oh,” she started with a shrug as she looked from him to me and then back at him again. “I don’t know. Where do you want to go?”

  “You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to,” I said with a quick, apologetic smile at Dee. “I didn’t mean both of you when I ordered Bill to take a walk.”

  “Well, she’s gotta come with anyway,” he replied before throwing his pudgy hands on his hips and mimicking me. “Otherwise, I’m gonna get me something to eat all by myself. An’ while I’m eatin’ my sadghetti, I’ll be thinkin’ ’bout how my best friend kicked me out on my sorry ass! Never mind how I was a true friend to stick by her all through the freakin’ haunted forest! Never mind how scared I was to death of comin’ across the Blair-fuckin’-Witch!”

  “Good-bye, Bill, and take a good, long walk,” I said. I watched him wave me away with a dismissive air as he started for the door. Delilah grabbed her jacket from the coat closet and opened the front door before they both disappeared behind it.

  “Ah, peace and quiet at last,” I said to myself.

  As soon as the statement came out of my mouth, my cell phone, (Bill’s old, duct-taped phone that he’d kindly donated to me), started to buzz from where it sat on the kitchen counter. A sense of dread churned my stomach; the only people who ever texted me were Jason with a new mission, or Alaire.

  I retrieved the phone and flipped it open, spotting Alaire’s name at the top of the screen. As strange as it might sound, I was actually relieved to see Alaire texting me and not Jason. The last thing I wanted at the moment was another mission that would send me back to the Underground City. Not that hearing from Alaire thrilled me or anything, but his flirty texts were still better than potentially battling demons.

  Good afternoon, Ms. Harper, the text read.

  Afternoon, Alaire, I typed back as I wondered what he could possibly want.